kristy1976 Posted November 27, 2003 Posted November 27, 2003 I started this thread in second chances by mistake under long time friend betrayed my trust. Here is the post in brief: I have been lovers and friends with this guy. He was my very first love in high school. We have been planning for the last 4 months a cruise in December. I have paid for the cruise and air fare for his Christmas present. He would have only had to pay for whatever we did on the cruise. He called me 2 weeks ago that he was sorry, but is not able to go because he has been financially supporting his ex-girlfriend during her pregnancy of the last 3 months. I will be going alone on the cruise and will try to have a good time, even though it will be very difficult seeing romantic couples. Update: He emailed me on Sunday, two weeks after calling. He says that he has not been in contact with me because he feels embarrassed and ashamed. He says that he is sorry that he didn't tell me the truth at first and that he feels badly that he failed me and our friendship. He says that he is determined that sometime next year we will go on a special cruise like we planned but that he will pay for all the expenses. He says that I am a dear and close friend to him. I don't think that any of those words are true. I think that he hasn't called because he is with her. He did not answer my phone call on Monday and has not called back as of Wednesday. If he felt so bad, if he thinks that I am such a close friend, then why hasn't he tried to fix our relationship? Not talking to each other isn't helping. It is making it worse. I think that if I did decide to go on another trip with him, he would make up some stupid excuse why he would not be able to go. Some days, I feel so angry and never want to talk or see him again. I am tired of his lies. Especially the ones that he says that he is not with anyone and then a couple months later he tells me that he is,but still wants to be a lover to me. I know it is difficult being long distance (on opposite sides of the country), but there are other lovers that can be faithful, so why can't he be? Some days, I feel so sad. It seems like every time I watch tv, listen to music, or do anything to make me a little happier something reminds me of him. Every day for the past 2 weeks, I have cried at least once. I try not to, but every time I get online, I check for an email from him. Every time the phone rings, I hope it is him. I wonder when and if the pain will ever go away. I wonder if I will ever meet someone I can trust. I wonder if I am destined to be single forever. I wonder if love is just for the movies and songs. Sometimes, I don't know what to live for and wonder if it will be better if I just die. Also, is it worth my time to try calling or emailing him again? Or should I just wait to see if he contacts me? I don't know what I want to do. I don't even know why this happened. I hate not being in control of my emotions. I hate losing a friend. We have had many ups and downs, but I was thinking that we were getting closer. I don't know if I want to try to fix our friendship if there is any hope or just to move on? Oh goodness, here come the tears again....
Lucy Loverheart Posted November 27, 2003 Posted November 27, 2003 kirsty, you are not alone in your grieving and i understand what you are going through. just check out my post left yesterday titled "help i keep on bombarding my ex with calls!" please don't think that life is not worth living. at the moment your life feels as though it has been torn apart but in time your pain will ease - when i don't know - could be afew months - it could be a year. wither way you WILL get through this i promise you. you need to remember that you are in control of your emotions not him. i know you can't suddenly stop feeling sad but you can help yourself out bit by bit. so you have been crying solid for two weeks? that is fine - it's healthy to grieve the end of a relationship. when i ended my relationship i cried solid for 5 weeks. i felt as though my world, life as we know it ,had ended. i lost all interest in men, my appearance, friends,work and hobbies. i could feel my life slide away and i exhibitied some very uncharacteristic negative and self-destructive behaviour. it has only been recently that i have been able to start moving on and life is getting better all the time and im able to see how bad for me my ex was. start by going to see a councillor, maybe try some anti-depressants, tell your friends and family that you are having problems coping - you need heir support, don't try to be brave when you are feeling so sad. good luck x x x x
midori Posted November 27, 2003 Posted November 27, 2003 Hi Kristy, Maybe it's just me, but I think that part of your problem is revealed by the terms you use. I think I raised this idea before on your earlier thread. I'll mention it again now: you keep referring to your relationship with him as a "friendship." But he's not just a friend, he's your erstwhile lover. You're not just a "friend" to him, and you don't want to just be a friend to him. For some reason the terms you use strike me as a sign that you're trying to fly under false colors. He's supposed to be honest with you, go away on a cruise with you, because the two of your are friends, and why wouldn't you be honest with your friend? But really what you want is to be his lover -- exclusive or not. I think you're right to assume that he's fobbing you off at this point. I rather doubt that there will ever be a cruise together. I'd love to be wrong about that, but that's what it seems like to me. He is avoiding you, because he knows he is disappointing you. You can see that he's preoccupied with other things. You can either recognize that you're just not going to get what you want out of this situation (but first you have to admit what you want!), or you can keep on trying to poke and prod him, stay in his life with emails and phone calls .... and end up frustrated, continually disappointed, and with the perceptive feeling that he is trying to avoid you as much as he can. Sometimes circumstances conspire to make what might have been a good relationship impossible. Distance is a big one; I speak from experience here. I think you need to recognize that his priorities lie elsewhere, and move on. You're not going to be happy with half-measures; you don't want to have just a portion of his affection or time. I can see that he wants to hold on to you, or at least the idea/possibility of you, but that's not fair to you. And it's not actually meaningful to him -- his obligations lie elsewhere. I think you need to let go of this. Abandon hope. When you do, you'll be free to see the possibilities that are all around you.
Author kristy1976 Posted November 28, 2003 Author Posted November 28, 2003 I will try to let go of him. I will try to keep on living. I will try to stop crying. What do I do if he comes back? What do I say if he says he wants to still be friends/lovers? Thanks for your replies.
Vivid_29 Posted November 29, 2003 Posted November 29, 2003 Kristy - The two of you must have had a great friendship. By the way you are grieving, it almost sounds as if you lost a husband or boyfriend. Now, you were asking, what happens if he still wants to be friends/lovers... This, my dear, can be a sticky situation, because your feelings for him go beyond physical. You are emotionally attached to this man and you could risk getting hurt again. I can't really give you advice on this, because of the way I am. I can get really emotionally attached to someone, but at the same time, I can shut my emotions down and cut them off, as if they never existed. I know - I'm a jerk! If he does come around and you want to continue this love affair, my only advice to you is to keep those walls up. Don't let him hurt you again...
Author kristy1976 Posted November 29, 2003 Author Posted November 29, 2003 I am grieving because we have known each other for 14 years. I am grieving because we used to talk to each every day and now we don't talk at all. I am grieving because I don't know if he loves this ex girlfriend or if he is just supporting her while she is pregnant. I am grieving because I don't know if he is telling me the truth about being faithful to me. I am grieving because I don't know if I may have caused this. I am grieving because I was looking forward to seeing him and going on this cruise with him and now I will be alone. I am grieving because I don't know if I will ever talk to him or see him ever again.
Vivid_29 Posted November 29, 2003 Posted November 29, 2003 Do you want something more that just a friendship with benefits relationship? Wait a minute --- Being faithful to you??? In what way? I thought the two of you were just friends...
Author kristy1976 Posted November 30, 2003 Author Posted November 30, 2003 We were lovers all through high school and have been lovers for the past 4 years.
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