A question if you dont mind.

[ant0255]

Ok, so here is the back story. My ex and I started dating in december of laster. Things were great, to me she was everything I look for in a woman. She was and still is a great gal. When we first started dating she told me that she and here ex had been together since high school, and were engaged. Well she broke it up with him because he was phsychologically abusive to her. Now, from what i have experienced being in law enforcement is that this is the same as physical and sexual abuse. For example, we go to San Fran for the day and he calls her, I stay out of it cause at the moment it was not my problem, but the things i heard him call her through the phone were horrible. She was down about it, and apologized and I told her im here for you and if you need any help, just let me know, and gave a huge hug and kiss.

 

Anyway, after some coaching from a close friend of hers, she finally let go. Everything seemed to be going well and then he started in again, this time wanting her back and what not. Im not gonna lie it did a number on me, especially when the woman you love starts to push you away. I know it was harder for than me because I know from my training and experience, that woman who were and are abused tend to blame themselves and try to find reasons to make it sound not as bad.

 

A few more months go by and things were getting better, she competed in the crossfit games and was finally starting to show signs of improvement, which I thought was great, but she started pushing me away again, not calling me like she always did, not returning my calls or text or saying she had a rough day. Well i got of it and called her and asked if she wanted to hang out over the weekend, she said ya, but we have to talk about some things, I knew what was coming.

 

So, she comes over and we sit down and visit, and then get down to the nitty gritty. She basically told me that she cannot give a hundred percent in the relationship because she needs time to heal and that she is done with dealing with the bull**** that her ex put her through. As upset as I was, I was happy for her finally realizing that she is an independant person who can take care of herself.

 

So we agreed to breakup, but we are still best friends, we work out at the same gym, we support each other and hang out from time to time, partly because she is good friends with my roomate Jess.

 

So now here is the strange part, I go out and run some errands and get texts from both my roomate and my ex asking where im at. I tell them im on my way home. I get home and we start visiting in the kitchen. We chattin about whatever when my ex tells me about the douche before me and how he said she can take the dogs for whatever reason. Now the part that has me weirded out is that she tells me that when she got to the house earlier she waited for me so that i can give her a hug cause she had a bad day, and she starts saying im the best canolie ever, thats her nickname for me. I laugh and shrug it off, until the next day when my roomate and i are making dinner. Im standing there and she says, "so, beth has been acting different around you," I was like ya i noticed that too. She then begins to tell that beth always talks about how she misses your hugs.

 

Jess and I are like brother and sister, she askes me if i still care for beth, I say yes i do very much. Now before you saying thing, ive gone out and dated since we broke up, and nothing compares to what I feel with her. I tell jess this and she says ok to feel that way. Its funny the same thing happens again saturday, we had a competition and then we all bbq'd and went out and got drunk. When we get back we are all doing are thing and i walk into the kitchen and she is talking to our friend from highschool who is like a brother to her, only to notice that she was crying, I made up an excuse to leave the house for a few minutes cause i didnt want to get involved with that right then. As im walking out she grabs me and askes if im mad at her, i wasnt and told her so. I leave, come back and both girls are excited to see me. I go change and walk into the kitchen to get some water, beth is in there. She turns around and puts her head on my shoulder and i turn and look and our eyes meet and at that moment I didnt know what to do, i froze up. She then askes for a hug and says how much she loves my hugs. Im like cool. So as we are going into our rooms she stops at my door and wants another hug.

 

I gotta tell ya when I hug her, it feels right, i cant explain it.

 

Oh and one more thing, she askes me last night to talk to my friends mom, whose house im living if it would be ok for to stay here until her house is ready, so im a little confused and am going to discuss it with jess.

 

I apologize for the soapbox, but any advice on what i should do or we should do, or should i confront her about these things would be appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[Leveller]

I wouldn't confront her, I would just let her be for now. You sound like a good guy and want to do the right thing but her ex appears to have some kind of hold over her in spite of the abuse she has suffered and it seems some women are attracted to these types of men. By this I mean those men who display controlling characteristics but come over to them as 'real men' or perhaps the strong dominant type. I'm probably not putting this well but I was intrigued by your comment "I know it was harder for than me because I know from my training and experience, that woman who were and are abused tend to blame themselves and try to find reasons to make it sound not as bad". Why is this? I have seen this first hand myself but I am at a loss to explain why, particularly if they were in an abusive relationship before, excuses are made for controlling or abusive behaviour.

[ant0255]

Thanks for the advice, I think I will wait and just let nature take its course. Its funny my roomate said the same thing, so definately just gonna let her do her thing and show some support. Let me ask you this, do you think that there are women who actually appreciate guys who like being treated the way they deserve to be treated?

[Island Girl]

there are women who actually appreciate guys who like being treated the way they deserve to be treated?

 

There are women who appreciate being treated well. -- I think that is what you were getting at.

 

The barrier for her is that she, like most abuse victims, doesn't feel deserving of that kind of treatment. He has beat her down mentally and the fact that she is still taking it to some extent leads me to believe she has quite a lot of self esteem work to do before she'd be ready for a healthy, respectful, and nurturing relationship.

 

Have you suggested IC? She really should be talking to a professional who can not only help her separate her feelings about the ex and get that clear but also figure out why she was susceptible to abuse in the first place and address that.

 

These guys (like any abuser) know the girls they can get away with this crap with. They are drawn to them. And then they start small but it is consistent break down of self esteem and spirit. She needs to figure out why she was putting out the victim vibe and why when he showed this behavior initially (even though small) she didn't tell him to take a hike then.

[Leveller]

Thanks for the advice, I think I will wait and just let nature take its course. Its funny my roomate said the same thing, so definately just gonna let her do her thing and show some support. Let me ask you this, do you think that there are women who actually appreciate guys who like being treated the way they deserve to be treated?

 

IME some women who have been in this type of relationship seem to gravitate back to them. Not perhaps the full on abuse (because this happens later) but the controlling characteristics which come across as male dominance. If anyone has any thoughts this could prove to be a useful thread.

[Island Girl]

IME some women who have been in this type of relationship seem to gravitate back to them. Not perhaps the full on abuse (because this happens later) but the controlling characteristics which come across as male dominance. If anyone has any thoughts this could prove to be a useful thread.

 

They gravitate back to the same type of man until they work on themselves and get to the root of why they don't value themselves enough to think they deserve better as well as honor themselves as useful and productive, etc. WITHOUT a man or a romantic relationship.