Please help, I don't want to lose my girlfriend :(

[cactus3178]

Okay, I'm posting about my personal life on an internet board. I'm desperate for advice and help, and I have nobody else to turn to. The situation:

 

My girlfriend & I have been together for 3 years, but the last year has sucked ass. I love this girl to death, but things on my job have become unstable (economy, lack of work). I haven't been pulling my financial load becasue of this, resulting in stress, which in turn results in my acting like a dick.

The stress has made me become a different person, and I snap at people for no reason or get pissed over little things, I've become very lazy and all aspects of my life have been affected.

Everything came to a head 5 days ago when the love of my life decided that we need to take a break. We still live together, and we don't see other people, but things just aren't the same.

She told me I need to prove myself to her (ie, get another job and bring home steady paychecks, no more sh*tty attitude). The said basically if things aren't 'proven' by Christmas, that we will have to split permanently. I've been sleeping on the floor and I'm not allowed to touch her in any way. I feel like she doesn't even want to act like a friend to me right now.

She said that she's not sure she can ever forgive me for what's happened, and that if she can't things will also be over.

I love this girl more than anything, and I want to fix things, but I don't know how to make her less angry, and I can't stand to be 'without' her for a month, even if we're still in the same house.

 

I guess my biggest problem is trusting her (even though I know I can, I can't seem to show it), and she gets pissed off all over again when I ask about getting back together soon. I just don't know what to do :|

 

Go ahead and make fun if you want, but I'm hoping somebody will have some advice. I'm so depressed.

[HokeyReligions]

Slow down. Take a deep breath.

 

Job loss and financial problems plague a lot of people. I am unemployed right now - lost my job last May, worked some temp jobs, but can't find a permanent job. It's not the first time my family has been through this and probably won't be the last time the way the economy bounces.

 

I once fell into that trap of inertia. I know what it feels like to wake up in the morning, or the afternoon, and think "why bother - I don't have a job to go to, I don't even have an interview or any calls to make" and my attitude got bitter and I snapped at those that I love. I understand that trap.

 

The only thing you can do about finding a job is to look for one. The best thing to do there is to have a plan. When you worked you had to keep to a schedule - you had to be at your job at a certain time, you may have had duties in your job that had to be done at a certain time, and you came home at a certain time. So now you need to establish a schedule for looking for work.

 

You have access to the internet so use it to look for a job. Set a time each day to get on the computer and send out resumes, compile phone numbers of places you want to call, and look up information on companies you would like to work for -- even if they are not hiring at the moment. When you get off the computer take a break for an hour and don't think about finding a job. Watch TV, eat lunch, read the paper - treat it like your lunch break from work. Then get on the phone and make your calls, mail resumes, call the companies that you are interested in and find out how you can send them a resume or go by and fill out an application. Try to get out of the house at least once a week to drop off an application somewhere. Don't rule out temporary agencies - even if its not your direct line of work - they get calls for lots of different types of positions and can be good contacts. Get on their lists even if it means you have to get dressed and go talk with them and take some tests.

 

Speaking of getting dressed -- get dressed every day - don't lay around. You have to fight the inertia and inertia is a STRONG enemy, a very powerful foe. Look what its doing to you already. you have to be on your toes to fight this.

 

Before you prove anything to your gf, you have to prove it to yourself. Don't do this for her, do it for YOU. By doing this for yourself your attitude will change and you can use that energy that goes for stress and anger and bitterness toward something positive.

 

Do some housework each day. Clean out a closet that hasn't been touched in a while. Scrub the bathtub. Organize your CDs - do something that you can finish so you can see your accomplishment.

 

Instead of telling your gf how much you love her and can't be without her, etc. Ask her for help and support through this. You need encouragement too and you need to be able to pull together during this time. You both need to understand that when you are snapping at her its only because shes in front of you and it has nothing to do with her, but with your own stress and sense of panic over not working. If you need a sounding board to yell and scream - go outside and scream or tear a pillow up or something else - don't take it out on her just because she's the one who is there. Talk to some of your family and friends - find someone else to blow off steam with. Go to a park and shoot some hoops or do something active. When you are active the anger has a way out, when you are not it bottles up inside and comes out in a fight with someone you love.

 

She may be resenting you for not working - but if you are trying each day and doing something positive, the resentment will diminish. You need to communicate with HER too and take into account her feelings of helplessness now. She can't find a job for you, but together you can encourage each other and build a new bond.

 

This won't last forever. You will find a new job. I keep telling myself that too. I've never been unemployed for this long in my entire life. It's scary as he11 for us too because I have no health insurance and I have some health issues that need to be addressed ASAP. I keep putting them off because 1) I can't afford it and 2) if I do find treatment now it will be a pre-existing condition when I do get insurance. I set a deadline of January 31st to either get insurance or go to the doctor myself. By setting that goal I eliminated the stress and worry. I know what I have to do and when I have to do it.

 

It's harder to be unemployed than it is to work. Not having a routine and a sense of worth is debilitating. Not to mention adding the money worries. But you can fight it. I'm glad you came here. This board is a great place to find encouragement, comfort, new ideas, and just a place to vent.

 

You CAN fight this inertia that is tearing you and your relationship apart.

[cactus3178]

Thank you so much. It's very inspiring to know that others have similar problems. I wish life wasn't like this, but that's the reality of it. I just keep getting up and moving in the last few days and it has been helpful. I sincerely wish for this to end, and things to go back to the way they were when everything was good, but it almost seems like too much. I've got to find a source of inspiration. She won't guarantee me anything, so I'm kind of flying blind.

 

Good luck to you, I know with an attitude like yours, anything is possible for you. You and your family will be fine in time.

 

Thank you again, and happy Thanksgiving.