bentnotbroken Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 I think I am torn on this... I do believe the betrayed spouse has a right to know that the person they love and trust has been unfaithful. They have a right to know that they could have been exposed to STD's. They have a right to know that their spouse felt something was wrong in the marriage and instead of talking to them about it, they chose to have an affair. I personally do NOT understand why people choose to have an affair vs getting a divorce. Then again, I think if a betrayed spouse is ONLY told because the dumped OW/OM is being vengeful..... or if that OW/OM hopes that by telling the betrayed spouse that the OW/OM would "get" the cheater .... I think that is wrong and hurtful. I don't know .... I am really torn on this.... I understand what you are talking about, the vengence. But the truth about that is if that is really the motive, it only heaps onto the person bent on hurting someone. The info itself is necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Right back at you... I'm damn glad I didn't go to your therapist. Listen... life isn't black and white. You can be adamant that in EVERY situation YOUR insistence that the BS ALWAYS know the truth is correct. It might have been the right decision for you, but this isn't a one size fits all kind of situation -- for anybody. You don't know my situation, and you can't possibly understand the nuances of it all from one post on a message board. There ARE situations where not telling is better. Choosing whether or not to disclose your own A if it will not be found out is indeed a very personal decision. I think that there are great reasons on either side of the argument. For me, I needed to come clean and see if there was a chance with it all on the table. However, that was for me...for you...you have to consider everything. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Are you not one of the proponents of the AP going to the BS and telling the truth? that is like saying...in the name of truth (which the BS will apparently, benefit from) betray your partner and tell on him.... Why is that hypocritical...think about it...a BS who is a "victim" of a betrayal is asking another person to betray another....in the name of truth... If you can control your H that way....more power to you. If your H does not have the "b@lls" to end the affair himself...well...it is his choice (or I guess, in this case YOUR choice ). Would that be ok with me? Sure. You have no responsibility to the OW, none...and really, you should close ranks and do what is necessary to keep your H to yourself. Yes, I think the BS should be told and I really don't care who they are told by. I guess you are right. I'm foolish to think that an OW would be able to tell the truth because it would help the BS. How incredibly silly of me to think that would ever happen. As far as control of my H. I don't have control over anyone but myself. However, we did ask our therapist about how to deal with the OW (since she wouldn't stop calling my H). We (my H and I together) thought it was best that we decide together how to deal with the OW. The goal was to just get her to leave us alone. Ignoring her would have been the easiest way, but we tried to give her some closure. It wasn't the closure she wanted, but we did try. Guess that was a foolish move too. Thank you for helping me see the light. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Right back at you... I'm damn glad I didn't go to your therapist. Listen... life isn't black and white. You can be adamant that in EVERY situation YOUR insistence that the BS ALWAYS know the truth is correct. It might have been the right decision for you, but this isn't a one size fits all kind of situation -- for anybody. You don't know my situation, and you can't possibly understand the nuances of it all from one post on a message board. There ARE situations where not telling is better. Sure there is...usually when the one who did the wrong is covering their assests. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Right back at you... I'm damn glad I didn't go to your therapist. Listen... life isn't black and white. You can be adamant that in EVERY situation YOUR insistence that the BS ALWAYS know the truth is correct. It might have been the right decision for you, but this isn't a one size fits all kind of situation -- for anybody. You don't know my situation, and you can't possibly understand the nuances of it all from one post on a message board. There ARE situations where not telling is better. Just stating my opinion. You just keep that lie from your H if that is what you want to do. Who am I to tell you to do anything different? I wish you the best with that. Personally, in my opinion, as I see it, a big lie about an affair would be an obstacle in a happy healthy marriage. But that is just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 As a married woman how are we able to make the right moves in our lifes if we only feel something is wrong.We hurt no matter what but with no answers we all hurt.Is it really right to lie no one wins.do you think your being told the truth from a cheater? You might like the other person of course you are going to hear how bad they are what are they going to say? She is wonderful but my needs are more important. Im here for questions also.Not always is it the other persons fault.And if its so right to be together and your in love shout it out! Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 The responsibility for the BS and Children is something I could not take on my shoulders. If you are such a great person that you wouldn't want to be responsible for the pain that the truth would cause the BS and the children, why would you have an affair in the first place? Are you saying that if the BS found out another way, you wouldn't be responsible for your actions. Oh yeah, that's right, you didn't make any promise to the BS or the children so it's not your fault. Forgive me, I didn't know what I was thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 As a married woman how are we able to make the right moves in our lifes if we only feel something is wrong.We hurt no matter what but with no answers we all hurt.Is it really right to lie no one wins.do you think your being told the truth from a cheater? You might like the other person of course you are going to hear how bad they are what are they going to say? She is wonderful but my needs are more important. Im here for questions also.Not always is it the other persons fault.And if its so right to be together and your in love shout it out! This is why I told my wife. However, I told her, not my xOW. I give her the same respect. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 In most circumstances I cannot understand this tactic. It seems selfish and downright mean. By disclosing the affair you damage your affair partner for sure, but.. and a huge but, you run the risk of devistation to an innocent spouse and possibly to totally innocent children. What do affair finks hope to accomplish? You wern't forced into affairs with MM/MW. Nobody twisted your arms. In the vast majority of situations you agreed to the affair. I don't care about either participants feelings. Both people in the affair need to be responsible both to each other, and for their actions. What did the innocent spouse and family do to deserve your anger? Why isn't it the responsibility of your affair partner to tell their spouses? My heart goes out to those innocent families ruined by angry affair partners who lash out in this manner. On that same note, I would like to say that the OM/OW ratting out MM/MW's are not soley responsible for the hurt the disclosures cause. Just as no one twists a OM/OW's arm into an affair, no one twists the MM/MW's arms into an affair either. Quite frankly I think the married party holds an even bigger share of responsibility for the hurt their actions cause. MM/MW should know better, but they choose to put their innocent children and spouses at risk and hurt them. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Yes, I think the BS should be told and I really don't care who they are told by. I guess you are right. I'm foolish to think that an OW would be able to tell the truth because it would help the BS. How incredibly silly of me to think that would ever happen.[/qoute] ahhh...yes, that is foolish....however, a woman scorned is a woman scorned..(or some girly man out there..), if she decides to betray her AP and the BS benefits from it...oh well...make use of the benefit wisely... As far as control of my H. I don't have control over anyone but myself. However, we did ask our therapist about how to deal with the OW (since she wouldn't stop calling my H). We (my H and I together) thought it was best that we decide together how to deal with the OW. The goal was to just get her to leave us alone. Ignoring her would have been the easiest way, but we tried to give her some closure. It wasn't the closure she wanted, but we did try. Guess that was a foolish move too./quote] I do not remember your story....but trust that if you think that was foolish, then I will have to agree with you... Thank you for helping me see the light. You are absolutely welcome! Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 Many of you will remember my story, where there once was a man, a good man, ME, that was an OM.. His MW's hubby became wary of things at the homestead, and began to ask questions, questions he knew the answer to. Well, the answers to his questions were lies, all lies I tell you. BUT, he knew the truth. So, he sought me out, for the answers.. and I gave them to him, as many as I could, and did ask of him to go back to the lying wife of his to get the rest.. which he never did I did not "rat her out", however, I did set him free... I get why some OM/OW's choose to do this. The overwhelming feeling of being "kicked to the curb" while their "merry, married" life goes on is sickening, although, in most cases I guess, not all that happy, but still... anyhoo, I feel that if there is a person, a human being, who is being played like a fiddle for what ever the reason is (money, the kids, no change, bullsh*t answer fill in the blank) it is wrong.. So, tell them! let them have the "brick" as I used to call it. The "brick of knowledge", whatever it weighs.. Let them decide what THEIR life should be about. If your spouse has dipped the winky, then she should know... If the wife has spread her legs for another man and had him at his glory, then the H should know, and decide what he wants to do... I just can't imagine what that cheating spouse is thinking about OR whould think 30 years from now, looking across the dinner table at their ""loyal, loving, devoted, FAITHFUL spouse" knowing that they werent... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 I absolutely agree with Movingforward.. the truth is NOT always good to tell.. With my first ex.. we were friend with this couple... he cheated on her with his secretary... he told her.. they had two lovely young children.. one day. she arrived at my place.. she looked like shyt.. with her young children... her eyes were swollen.. they all looked soooo miserable.. it was soooo sad... she had cried all day... and she told me she was looking for a place to move with her kids.. and she told me her life was perfect.. she loved him.. she was a great mom... she was devastated.. and she admitted that it would have been much better for her to NEVER know the truth.. because he said it was a one-time affair.. blablabla... Once you know.. there is no coming back... you know.. you cannot 'un-know' it.. and it hurts.. and it's sometimes devastating.. They separated for a while.. she lost so much weight she looked awful... she had to feed herself cause she had to feed her kids.. but she wanted to die.. They got back together... but their life was never the same.. So.. I say DON'T say anything.. DON'T MAKE ANY CHILDREN'S LIFE MISERABLE ! Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 BTW...as some of you know...I am also a BS. I never found out from the OMs about my wife's infidelities. I found out from her, and by her leaving her email open. I don't hold it against them. She was the one with the responsibility to tell me. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 28, 2009 Share Posted September 28, 2009 ahhh...yes, that is foolish....however, a woman scorned is a woman scorned..(or some girly man out there..), if she decides to betray her AP and the BS benefits from it...oh well...make use of the benefit wisely... I agree, I don't care what the motive is of the OW, just that the truth is told. I do not remember your story....but trust that if you think that was foolish, then I will have to agree with you... What I do know is that I can't expect anyone to act in a way or do something because I want them to. But, that won't stop me from doing what I feel is right. It's the only way I can live with myself. As foolish as I'm sure it was to be civil to the OW (because she didn't want to accept it was over), I know I did the right thing and I have no regrets about how we handled it. I could have put a quick nail in that coffin had I taken a different approach, but that's not how I chose to deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 ahhh...yes, that is foolish....however, a woman scorned is a woman scorned..(or some girly man out there..), if she decides to betray her AP and the BS benefits from it...oh well...make use of the benefit wisely... I agree, I don't care what the motive is of the OW, just that the truth is told. I do not remember your story....but trust that if you think that was foolish, then I will have to agree with you... What I do know is that I can't expect anyone to act in a way or do something because I want them to. But, that won't stop me from doing what I feel is right. It's the only way I can live with myself. As foolish as I'm sure it was to be civil to the OW (because she didn't want to accept it was over), I know I did the right thing and I have no regrets about how we handled it. I could have put a quick nail in that coffin had I taken a different approach, but that's not how I chose to deal with it. Herenow, I do not really think it was foolish, as a matter of fact, I have no opinion about it just because i have not thought it through...I was just agreeing with you....as you know your situation best. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 You know I just re-read some of this thread an I am having such a hard time accepting that to some people, keeping a lie is better than the truth. Call me naive, but I still believe that truth will set you free. The thought of living a life not knowing that my H cheated on me makes me sick to my stomach. How can anyone keep such a lie and say they love the person they say they are committed to? If there is true love, a marriage will survive the truth. I really just don't get this attitude that keeping a lie is better than telling the truth. Even our kids know better. This just baffles me to no end. I just don't get it. What is so wrong with taking responsibilities for your choices and being honest with people for the right reasons? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Herenow, I do not really think it was foolish, as a matter of fact, I have no opinion about it just because i have not thought it through...I was just agreeing with you....as you know your situation best. Oh I get that. I have dome many foolish things, some I regret, in this case, I have no regrets. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 If you are such a great person that you wouldn't want to be responsible for the pain that the truth would cause the BS and the children, why would you have an affair in the first place? Are you saying that if the BS found out another way, you wouldn't be responsible for your actions. Oh yeah, that's right, you didn't make any promise to the BS or the children so it's not your fault. Forgive me, I didn't know what I was thinking. Actually, I wouldn't have an affair with a woman who had young children. Yes I had an affair. Both of us were 50+ years old, chillins were growd. No I never considered "ratting" her out to her husband, and I was in lots of pain. Causing her, and her husband more pain wasn't an option, or frankly even a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 I'm amazed by the number of people, who believe that lying is a good thing, and that myths should be perpetuated. You have two situations: 1) a f**ked up marriage 2) a f**ked up affair. So the answer is to continue to lie, cheat and mislead? To protect the WS, while the BS and OP are hurt, "for the children"?, bullsh*t!! The kids will know that something is wrong, they always do, and what happens when they find out later in life, that one or the other of their [parents are lying cheaters? To live with dishonesty for years, possibly decades, only to find out that your childhood was another lie? Tell the truth!!! It doesn't matter who tells it. The short-term emotional anguish is bad, but the long-term healing is better, by far than a lifetime of slow moral decay. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 I'm amazed by the number of people, who believe that lying is a good thing, and that myths should be perpetuated. You have two situations: 1) a f**ked up marriage 2) a f**ked up affair. So the answer is to continue to lie, cheat and mislead? To protect the WS, while the BS and OP are hurt, "for the children"?, bullsh*t!! The kids will know that something is wrong, they always do, and what happens when they find out later in life, that one or the other of their [parents are lying cheaters? To live with dishonesty for years, possibly decades, only to find out that your childhood was another lie? Tell the truth!!! It doesn't matter who tells it. The short-term emotional anguish is bad, but the long-term healing is better, by far than a lifetime of slow moral decay. Thank you very much! I'm sure you all teach your kids to tell the truth, why can't you do it yourself? Now that's hypocritical. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Actually, I wouldn't have an affair with a woman who had young children. Yes I had an affair. Both of us were 50+ years old, chillins were growd. No I never considered "ratting" her out to her husband, and I was in lots of pain. Causing her, and her husband more pain wasn't an option, or frankly even a thought. Oh, I didn't know older children weren't capable of being hurt by their parents cheating. News to me, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Bold...not all children know that one parent is cheating.. a lot don't ... The AP is not always miserable at home.. they might lack the sex, the intimacy.. and that's it... everything else is great. Why would you destroy those children's lives.. that's beyond me.. honestly.. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 I'm amazed by the number of people, who believe that lying is a good thing, and that myths should be perpetuated. You have two situations: 1) a f**ked up marriage 2) a f**ked up affair. So the answer is to continue to lie, cheat and mislead? To protect the WS, while the BS and OP are hurt, "for the children"?, bullsh*t!! The kids will know that something is wrong, they always do, and what happens when they find out later in life, that one or the other of their [parents are lying cheaters? To live with dishonesty for years, possibly decades, only to find out that your childhood was another lie? Tell the truth!!! It doesn't matter who tells it. The short-term emotional anguish is bad, but the long-term healing is better, by far than a lifetime of slow moral decay. You know what Boldjack, I also find it amazing that people continue to build marriages on lies and deceit, yet expect a something different than what lead to the affair in the first place. If you do the things you have always done, you will get what you always have....a marriage that has something missing. In this case the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Bold...not all children know that one parent is cheating.. a lot don't ... The AP is not always miserable at home.. they might lack the sex, the intimacy.. and that's it... everything else is great. Why would you destroy those children's lives.. that's beyond me.. honestly.. So lie, lie, lie because... Why should we lie again, I don't understand? Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 The reason i say tell is because i feel it and it hurts.i went to move because he wanted out i was shocked.he cant come up with a reason but when i packed he desided he wanted to work it out.our family is a mess we are all hurt but for me knowing would give me an answer so i could move on.i dont even know how to work it out with out honesty.i trusted him with all i had but all the signs are there.i loved deep i gave honestly,and with my whole being.now i cry,prey,and only breath.16 yrs of a lie.their is so much evidence he did. Link to post Share on other sites
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