Why is everyone Ratting out their Affair Partners?

[LakesideDream]

But, since she is the one who cheated on you wouldn't or couldn't you have won custody?

 

 

Absolutley not, in the USA, and particularly in the state I was living in the Woman is ALWAYS right if she isn't a prostitiute or crack addict. No fault assumes custody goes to the mother.

 

And.. in our situation, it's not wrong. I was the primary bread winner. I would have been more able to help support a second household. Her earnings were minimal, barely covering the expense of her working. ($100 a week or so).

 

I was a full time dad. She went 20 miles to "work", I worked four blocks away. I was always home first helping with homework for the kids, and cooking meals (I enjoyed cooking). I spent lots of time with the crumb crunchers.

[mourningMM]

Wow...this thread, and the responses go all over the place.

 

Here's my $.02 (don't know where the cents sign is!).

 

OK. Deep Breath...and the classic "consultant" answer is "It depends".

 

Why would it be advisable, even generous, to tell a BS about an A? Well, if the BS approached the affair partner, I believe that telling a "cover up" lie would be just wrong. Or if the married person was a serial cheater, whose behavior was definitely putting the betrayed spouse's health at risk (read AIDS). Quietly and respectfully telling in those situations would be appropriate from my perspective.

 

Why would it be inappropriate? If it is an act of vengence or if it is just to MAKE YOURSELF FEEL LESS GUILTY...that is selfish, and inappropriate! Really, if a person knows that they are particpating in an affair, they need to suck it up and live with the guilt when the affair is over if the married person goes back....give the marriage a chance to heal.

 

Some affairs have little impact because they never come to light...and that is a blessing.

 

Now, here's the really grey area...is it fair to the betrayed spouse to hide the truth? You know, it isn't our call as affair parnters to make; it is the decision of the PERSON IN THE MARRIAGE about whether to come clean. They are the ones who will know whether it would be more damaging or healing to tell. I never told, she never learned, he never shared that portion of his life with her. He did go back, and I believe he was a much better husband for it. I also believe he got the need out of his system....

 

And here's the even bigger twist...what is it was an emotional affair, not a physical affair?

 

Many, many women would want to know; others would prefer to never face that reality.

 

I think that it just depends on the situation and the INTENT of the person. If they mean harm, it is bad. If they cause greater harm by telling, it is bad. If they have honorable (ok...no comments about how an affair partner can be honorable; really we can) then I think it isn't "ratting out" anyone.

[herenow]

Its easy enough to picture a scorned OW/OM wanting to tell the BS out of spite, vengefulness, or even hope. And its an ugly picture to say the least. The result to BS is pain, and if that is the intent...it sucks.

 

BUT, regardless of the intent the result is also revelation. And no matter how the secret is revealed, or the intent behind the initiator's revealing...the secret loses its hidden undermining power, the BS now knows what is happening in his/her life and can make decisions or move forward, or ignore...but is at least now an active participant in their own life.

 

Infidelity can be justified by all parties involved including sometimes a BS. But the hidden secret affecting our lives...that to me, is something worth rectifying at all cost. No matter the initial intent or the malice felt by its messenger.

 

For a WS who stops an affair without confessing the secret...hoping to repair the marriage...you can't explain to someone that you are sorry for cutting off their fingers when in fact you have amputated their arm. You have to work together on the same page...or you are still in betrayal.

 

Right. Also, when a therapist advises a WS to not tell the truth to a BS, they are only giving advice to the WS. IMO, they are not looking at what is best for the marriage, they are telling one person to do what is best for that person.

 

Had my H gone to a IC that convinced him the best thing would be to lie (to spare me pain), there is no doubt our marriage would be over. I gave our marriage a chance because my H told the truth on D-day. I still kicked him out that day, but had he lied about the scope of the affair, there would have been no chance of reconciliation, ever.

 

A good MC, IMO, should insist on transparency. Anything short of that is continued betrayal.

 

All the best to anyone who keeps a lie from their spouse and stays married. That must be a hard thing to do. IMO, it would be impossible.

[Susmay]

In most circumstances I cannot understand this tactic. It seems selfish and downright mean. By disclosing the affair you damage your affair partner for sure, but.. and a huge but, you run the risk of devistation to an innocent spouse and possibly to totally innocent children.

 

What do affair finks hope to accomplish? You wern't forced into affairs with MM/MW. Nobody twisted your arms. In the vast majority of situations you agreed to the affair.

 

I don't care about either participants feelings. Both people in the affair need to be responsible both to each other, and for their actions. What did the innocent spouse and family do to deserve your anger? Why isn't it the responsibility of your affair partner to tell their spouses?

 

My heart goes out to those innocent families ruined by angry affair partners who lash out in this manner.

 

Getting back to the original post, there is another angle in that an AP (MM) who has a d-day often "rats" on his OW to his BW.

 

I'm sure my H's OW would be utterly horrified to learn the full extent of what I now know about her. As seems to be so common in these situations, my H begged and pleaded for me not to end our marriage. The price I wanted for this was total honesty and transparency about the A as I needed to know what I was being asked to forgive.

 

This meant he answered all my questions and believe me I asked a few really off ones. I don't usually go around asking these sorts of questions but it was exceptional circumstances. My H remarked to me yesterday that he had probably totally betrayed any expectations his OW would have had of him about her own secrets. He didn't seem to feel "guilty" about this and when pressed by me said that she had always known he was married, and if she'd thought about it at all would have realised that once there was a d-day it was very likely that he would "choose" me and that this would mean her privacy would not be respected.

 

None of this gives me any pleasure at all.

[2sure]

Just because the truth hurts doesnt make it less necessary to be heard.

If the BS is the one the truth hurts the most...then the truth is all the more necessary. Kill me once with a shot to the head, not with a slow poison you have put in the tea you brought to me.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow...this thread, and the responses go all over the place.

 

Here's my $.02 (don't know where the cents sign is!).

 

OK. Deep Breath...and the classic "consultant" answer is "It depends".

 

Why would it be advisable, even generous, to tell a BS about an A? Well, if the BS approached the affair partner, I believe that telling a "cover up" lie would be just wrong. Or if the married person was a serial cheater, whose behavior was definitely putting the betrayed spouse's health at risk (read AIDS). Quietly and respectfully telling in those situations would be appropriate from my perspective.

 

Why would it be inappropriate? If it is an act of vengence or if it is just to MAKE YOURSELF FEEL LESS GUILTY...that is selfish, and inappropriate! Really, if a person knows that they are particpating in an affair, they need to suck it up and live with the guilt when the affair is over if the married person goes back....give the marriage a chance to heal.

 

Some affairs have little impact because they never come to light...and that is a blessing.

 

Now, here's the really grey area...is it fair to the betrayed spouse to hide the truth? You know, it isn't our call as affair parnters to make; it is the decision of the PERSON IN THE MARRIAGE about whether to come clean. They are the ones who will know whether it would be more damaging or healing to tell. I never told, she never learned, he never shared that portion of his life with her. He did go back, and I believe he was a much better husband for it. I also believe he got the need out of his system....

 

And here's the even bigger twist...what is it was an emotional affair, not a physical affair?

 

Many, many women would want to know; others would prefer to never face that reality.

 

I think that it just depends on the situation and the INTENT of the person. If they mean harm, it is bad. If they cause greater harm by telling, it is bad. If they have honorable (ok...no comments about how an affair partner can be honorable; really we can) then I think it isn't "ratting out" anyone.

 

 

:eek:Who's blessing? I would guess God doesn't hand out blessings for lies, since he said no one should bear false witness. And do explain the honor thing, please.

[mourningMM]

Hmmmh. Sometimes typing this stuff out is tough; but here goes.

 

Occasionally an affair is just the brain fart of an drunken fool...and those short-lived, completely meaningless affairs...which are more a symptom of stupidity than something deeper are better left burried.

 

Any affair shows that there is an imbalance in the marriage...but sometimes the imbalance is all in the wandering spouse. And sometimes (not always) the bonehead figures out that what is happening is not right. And they recover....then it is that person's decision on whether to share their betrayal with their spouse. I believe that it is possible. Maybe I'm wrong, but I know that there are lots of folks out in the world who've had emotional affairs, then realized that they were getting in dangerous waters and cut it off. I know that if that happened in my own marriage, I'd have been happy as a clam to never have known.

 

Instead, my exH emotional affair turned physical and then broke up our marriage...

 

Why can a person in an affair be honorable? Well, because the person who begins an affair learns, and grows, and occasionally finds the strength to end it. And that decision is as honorable as it gets when there is a love between the two affair partners....

 

Honor, in my mind, is making the decision to do the right thing, even if you've made a mistake....

 

I have to believe that people change over time. Otherwise, what is the point?

[scatterd]

I need to know so I can make my own mind up on if im willing to stay or not.The realationship has changed but if its over someone else that would

help me figure out if the stay and hard work is worth it.After giving all of

your self to a person for many years honesty is the best thing .trust is the most important in a relationship with that all the rest follows.Who can trust a cheater?

[bentnotbroken]

Changing over time would include not continuing a lie. Yes, we can change, but only by the thing that caused the problem in the first place.

[whattodonow12]

I haven't "outed" anyone because I am not sure if it will even believed or if it will really serve a purpose. But, I am interested in all of the replies and seeing the different perspectives.

[scatterd]

All of you have been interesting i wish you all happiness and hope .everyone is learning as I am.Good Night

[herenow]

Changing over time would include not continuing a lie. Yes, we can change, but only by the thing that caused the problem in the first place.

 

Especially if the person who is being lied to asks for the truth. How many times have there been BS's here at LS that have begged their spouses for the truth only to be led to again and again? Sometimes even when they get the truth, it's not the whole truth. And in the some cases, it takes years for the puzzle pieces to start to make sense. Wasted years that could have been spent healing. Instead, by the sole choice of the person who holds the truth, so much is destroyed many times beyond repair. When all that person had to do in the first place was tell the truth. Why is that so hard to do?

 

Also, why do many OW lie to the BW when she asks the OW for the truth?

[boldjack]

HN, You called me a hypocrite, and said that I lied. In what way did I lie?

[movingforward]

Will your H ever know the truth to be able to make his own decision about what is best for him? Just wondering.

 

 

Good God, you are a piece of work.

 

Maybe I should explain this again. My A was the biggest mistake of my life. There wasn't a huge problem in the marriage... the problem lied with ME. I had self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, many other issues -- the extent of which I wasn't even aware of until I began therapy. My mistake was going outside my marriage and not turning to my husband. I took the easy way out. Because I am now aware of my issues, I have been able to work on my marriage and it is now stronger. We are learning to communicate better and have much better intimacy.

 

Your question about "what about the kids? no one will answer my question about the kids? what happens to the kids?"...... This is fascinating to me. As the bitter BS you are FIXATED on your anger towards all OWs. Did I put in jeopardy everything I hold dear in my life, including my children by having an affair? Absolutely. But your so called "concern" for my children stops at my infidelity and my poor choice. You don't give a rats ass about how they would be affected by a divorce (the effects of which would be considerable). If you thought for ONE minute about the children involved, you would take into consideration that the complete dissolution of the family unit is not ALWAYS in their best interest.

 

You might enjoy a good discussion, but can you at least try to see both sides of things? It would lend you a bit more credibility if you did.

[movingforward]

You mean he doesn't know? The way she was talking it was as if everything had been laid out on the table. My goodness I am so sick of people blaming their parents for their bad behavior. How many people come from broken homes and still conduct themselves in a respectable manner. Sorry those excuses do not fly with me. Blame yourself not your father or mother.

 

 

Good God... did you even read my post?

 

I have NEVER blamed my parents for my bad behavior. What my post DID say was in reference to how damaging divorce is for children -- which I know since many of my own issues stem from not having a father figure. That is not blaming, that is a recognition of weaknesses I have that I'm working on. I take FULL responsibility for all of my actions, including my affair.

 

I BLAME myself. Not my husband. Not my mother. Not my father.

 

What my affair DID do was make me recognize what my issues were and now I'm in counseling to fix them. My marriage is better for it.

 

But... since I have committed this horrible sin (again, which I take full responsibility for), even though it was a wake-up call, forced me to identify my issues, allowing my marriage to be stronger than it ever has been.......................... you would STILL have me tell my husband (which would absolutely lead to a divorce) and cause him and my children immense pain?

 

Telling him would only alleviate MY guilt... it feels selfish for me not to carry it myself and to unload it on him.

[movingforward]

Hmmmh. Sometimes typing this stuff out is tough; but here goes.

 

Occasionally an affair is just the brain fart of an drunken fool...and those short-lived, completely meaningless affairs...which are more a symptom of stupidity than something deeper are better left burried.

 

Any affair shows that there is an imbalance in the marriage...but sometimes the imbalance is all in the wandering spouse. And sometimes (not always) the bonehead figures out that what is happening is not right. And they recover....then it is that person's decision on whether to share their betrayal with their spouse. I believe that it is possible. Maybe I'm wrong, but I know that there are lots of folks out in the world who've had emotional affairs, then realized that they were getting in dangerous waters and cut it off. I know that if that happened in my own marriage, I'd have been happy as a clam to never have known.

 

Instead, my exH emotional affair turned physical and then broke up our marriage...

 

Why can a person in an affair be honorable? Well, because the person who begins an affair learns, and grows, and occasionally finds the strength to end it. And that decision is as honorable as it gets when there is a love between the two affair partners....

 

Honor, in my mind, is making the decision to do the right thing, even if you've made a mistake....

 

I have to believe that people change over time. Otherwise, what is the point?

 

 

That is exactly the case for me.

[tami-chan]

Not one of the BSs who are all for APs betraying their APs has answered why that is acceptable to them...nay, they even encourage it. Is there a gray area somewhere? How does that work in your moral higher ground?

 

This thing about "guilting" the AP into betraying their partners in the name of truth is a crack..Guilt your WS to death...make them tell you the truth. The AP has no obligation to the BS....none...zilch...If they did not think to make the BS a part of the decision making process of going into an affair...why would she/he be a part later when the affair is kaput? or about to be kaput? If a BS is dissatisfied with the WS' version of the truth...well then...get to it, serve the guy the D-papers. Nobody is ever going to know the whole truth of what went on in any relationship--only the two who were in the relationship...it's futile to try and know "everything"-at some point you will have to choose who and what to believe....to trust yourself, your gut feeling, your instincts....your truth is the only truth that matters.

[Chrome Barracuda]

In most circumstances I cannot understand this tactic. It seems selfish and downright mean. By disclosing the affair you damage your affair partner for sure, but.. and a huge but, you run the risk of devistation to an innocent spouse and possibly to totally innocent children.

 

What do affair finks hope to accomplish? You wern't forced into affairs with MM/MW. Nobody twisted your arms. In the vast majority of situations you agreed to the affair.

 

I don't care about either participants feelings. Both people in the affair need to be responsible both to each other, and for their actions. What did the innocent spouse and family do to deserve your anger? Why isn't it the responsibility of your affair partner to tell their spouses?

 

My heart goes out to those innocent families ruined by angry affair partners who lash out in this manner.

 

 

well whats done in the dark surely comes to light somedays.

 

all in all there wouldnt be devastation if there was no affair in the first place.

[OWoman]

I've never felt inclined to "rat out" an AP, during or post-A. To me, it's just tacky to kiss & tell.

 

Would I want some alleged OW to tell me she was shagging / had shagged my H? No. I would distrust her motives and probably her claims.

[stillafool]

Absolutley not, in the USA, and particularly in the state I was living in the Woman is ALWAYS right if she isn't a prostitiute or crack addict. No fault assumes custody goes to the mother.

 

And.. in our situation, it's not wrong. I was the primary bread winner. I would have been more able to help support a second household. Her earnings were minimal, barely covering the expense of her working. ($100 a week or so).

 

I was a full time dad. She went 20 miles to "work", I worked four blocks away. I was always home first helping with homework for the kids, and cooking meals (I enjoyed cooking). I spent lots of time with the crumb crunchers.

 

You're an incredible Dad!:bunny: We need more like you.

[NoIDidn't]

I think this thread was hijacked from the beginning with "BS" think.

 

I agree with Lakeside's premise that its mean and unnecessary.

 

I think he was asking OPs why they do it, as in, what gives them the right after they entered into the A knowing what was what.

 

He wasn't asking if the BS has a right to know. He was saying that the OP doesn't have the right to make such a unilateral decision for the MPs family.

 

And I agree. That's the MPs decision to make, not the OPs. Ever.

 

There is a former MP here (movingforward, I think) that is deciding not to tell her BS. I don't think this is what LSD was asking about, but I respect her decision to not tell her BS at this point. Sometimes you have to know who you are dealing with before you drop something like this on them. She knows her BS more than anyone else here.

 

And that's the problem I have with OPs snitching. They have no idea the damage they do to the unsuspecting person that they usually only know from hearsay (from a very biased person mostly).

 

Do I think the BS should be told? Of course. And as demonstrated in Sanafa's sitch, its not always the APs that do the snitching. I can support friends snitching, not OPs. OPs tend to tell from such vengeful positions that they hurt far more than they inform.

[stillafool]

Good God, you are a piece of work.

 

Maybe I should explain this again. My A was the biggest mistake of my life. There wasn't a huge problem in the marriage... the problem lied with ME. I had self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, many other issues -- the extent of which I wasn't even aware of until I began therapy. My mistake was going outside my marriage and not turning to my husband. I took the easy way out. Because I am now aware of my issues, I have been able to work on my marriage and it is now stronger. We are learning to communicate better and have much better intimacy.

 

Your question about "what about the kids? no one will answer my question about the kids? what happens to the kids?"...... This is fascinating to me. As the bitter BS you are FIXATED on your anger towards all OWs. Did I put in jeopardy everything I hold dear in my life, including my children by having an affair? Absolutely. But your so called "concern" for my children stops at my infidelity and my poor choice. You don't give a rats ass about how they would be affected by a divorce (the effects of which would be considerable). If you thought for ONE minute about the children involved, you would take into consideration that the complete dissolution of the family unit is not ALWAYS in their best interest.

 

You might enjoy a good discussion, but can you at least try to see both sides of things? It would lend you a bit more credibility if you did.

 

You must not have gave a rats ass either when you started your affair.

 

But, you still didn't answer her question. Did you ever tell your husband the truth? Not always is staying married the best thing for the children. It depends on the situation. I can see in your situation it was probably the best since you say your marriage and family are better.

[donnamaybe]

Haven't read this entire thread, but to answer the question stated in the title, I might think it has something to do with the sudden realization that the MM/MW was lying the entire time JUST to get variety, and the AP was sickened at the thought and just a wee bit PO'd.

[Impudent Oyster]

Typically the act of "ratting out" the AP is a selfish act, done out of desperation and anger.

 

But affairs are selfish too, so it's no surprise that someone who would participate in the deception that goes along with keeping an affair secret would also be underhanded enough to stick it to the MP once they realize that the MP has no intention of leaving their spouse.

 

I think the BS knowing about the affair and the AP telling them are separate issues.

 

The BS should absolutely know they are being cheated on, but I guarantee that none of the AP partners that inform the BS are doing it for the BS's benefit. If they cared one iota for the BS's feelings, they wouldn't have been screwing the MP in the first place. Any OP who claims they are just informing the BS to "help them" is full of it.

 

They do it out of vengeance, usually after they've been dumped as one last desperate attempt to break up the marriage in the hopes that the BS will dump the MP and the MP will go running to the OP.

 

That's a fact.

[Impudent Oyster]

.

 

Also, why do many OW lie to the BW when she asks the OW for the truth?

 

Good question.

 

Personally, I don't place a lot of faith in the integrity of anyone who sleeps with a married person. Asking the truth from someone like that is a waste of time.