herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Bold...not all children know that one parent is cheating.. a lot don't ... The AP is not always miserable at home.. they might lack the sex, the intimacy.. and that's it... everything else is great. Why would you destroy those children's lives.. that's beyond me.. honestly.. Why would you do something that would destroy children's lives if they know the true in the first place? Why take the chance? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 The reason i say tell is because i feel it and it hurts.i went to move because he wanted out i was shocked.he cant come up with a reason but when i packed he desided he wanted to work it out.our family is a mess we are all hurt but for me knowing would give me an answer so i could move on.i dont even know how to work it out with out honesty.i trusted him with all i had but all the signs are there.i loved deep i gave honestly,and with my whole being.now i cry,prey,and only breath.16 yrs of a lie.their is so much evidence he did. Sometimes the lies hurt more than the affair, so many here just don't see that. Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 This is one of those knotty ethical issues. I have no hard and fast rule, but in my one affair I never told the BH after I ended it. I told my then wife, but not him. Why not? It was a combination of factors: fear, shame, concern that the news would rip that young family apart, and the BH's history of mental illness (persecution complex). I had done enough damage: I would do no more. That marriage and family remain together as far as I know. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 It is nice to know another understands Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 This is one of those knotty ethical issues. I have no hard and fast rule, but in my one affair I never told the BH after I ended it. I told my then wife, but not him. Why not? It was a combination of factors: fear, shame, concern that the news would rip that young family apart, and the BH's history of mental illness (persecution complex). I had done enough damage: I would do no more. That marriage and family remain together as far as I know. This is the most reasonable answer to this question. I, the one who says that every BS should know, can see grogster's point. I still think the "family" is living a lie and I feel that it is tragically wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Why would you do something that would destroy children's lives if they know the true in the first place? Why take the chance? I didn't DO anything.. the H did.. I am the OW.. not the WS... LSD is asking about the 'ratting'... Why would I do that? Why would I cause pain to her and destroy his children's lives.. for what? What benefit would that bring ME? I don't get it.. I can't understand why anyone would want to do that.. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 It is nice to know another understands Like you said, if you knew the truth, you would be able to make a decision based on reality. Now you are just flying in the wind with nowhere to land. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 I didn't DO anything.. the H did.. I am the OW.. not the WS... LSD is asking about the 'ratting'... Why would I do that? Why would I cause pain to her and destroy his children's lives.. for what? What benefit would that bring ME? I don't get it.. I can't understand why anyone would want to do that.. Absolutely. I am not talking about a situation where the AP became pregnant, or aquired an STD, or any disease for that matter. Those are exceptional situations where disclosure is necessary. I'm inquiring about AP's who are so butt hurt when their AP goes back to their spouse that they deside to take everyone down in flames with them. It seems LS is full of the above these days. They make up "situations" and excuses for the behavior, and want support for their actions. What good does it actually do? Weighed against what harm? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 I didn't DO anything.. the H did.. I am the OW.. not the WS... LSD is asking about the 'ratting'... Why would I do that? Why would I cause pain to her and destroy his children's lives.. for what? What benefit would that bring ME? I don't get it.. I can't understand why anyone would want to do that.. Wow, I don't know what is wrong with me today. I forgot you are not responsible if the kids or the BW get hurt because you are the OW and you are innocent of any wrongdoing. You didn't make any promises and you are not at fault at all if the BW and or kids get hurt. Please forgive me, my mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 Like you said, if you knew the truth, you would be able to make a decision based on reality. Now you are just flying in the wind with nowhere to land. I was in the position too herenow, and I'm happy it turned out the way it did. Had I know my now exW was having her affair say... three years after it started, had the guy "ratted" on her during one of their numerous breakups I would have been out of the marriage like I had a bomb tied to my tail. And where would that have left my two beautiful, innocent children? Who would have been there for them? Who would have been the stable influence in their lives? A night a week and every other weekend isn't very desireable is it? For my childrens sake I'm glad it turned out the way it did. Am I bitter? Absolutely, but I'm proud I was blessed with the oppertunity to be a full time parent, something I couldn't have been if my ex's infidelity had been rubbed in my face. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 I was in the position too herenow, and I'm happy it turned out the way it did. Had I know my now exW was having her affair say... three years after it started, had the guy "ratted" on her during one of their numerous breakups I would have been out of the marriage like I had a bomb tied to my tail. And where would that have left my two beautiful, innocent children? Who would have been there for them? Who would have been the stable influence in their lives? A night a week and every other weekend isn't very desireable is it? For my childrens sake I'm glad it turned out the way it did. Am I bitter? Absolutely, but I'm proud I was blessed with the oppertunity to be a full time parent, something I couldn't have been if my ex's infidelity had been rubbed in my face. This is a great post.. well said.. I totally agree.. I think the same way... It's not fair for the innocent children. Link to post Share on other sites
grogster Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 This is the most reasonable answer to this question. I, the one who says that every BS should know, can see grogster's point. I still think the "family" is living a lie and I feel that it is tragically wrong. That they are. Although I've had no communications with the MW for years, I am absolutely certain that she never told her husband. So yes, the MW is living a lie. I imagine that our long concluded affair will forever taint the MW's perceptions of her self, marriage and life. To an extent, an undisclosed Affair never truly ends. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 I didn't DO anything.. the H did.. I am the OW.. not the WS... LSD is asking about the 'ratting'... Why would I do that? Why would I cause pain to her and destroy his children's lives.. for what? What benefit would that bring ME? I don't get it.. I can't understand why anyone would want to do that.. If you aren't doing anything wrong, why do you have to lie about it? Why can't you tell the truth? If there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, then it shouldn't hurt anyone, right? Fact is, you are part of something that can hurt a child, but you just don't see that because you are just the OW. To each their own I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 I was in the position too herenow, and I'm happy it turned out the way it did. Had I know my now exW was having her affair say... three years after it started, had the guy "ratted" on her during one of their numerous breakups I would have been out of the marriage like I had a bomb tied to my tail. And where would that have left my two beautiful, innocent children? Who would have been there for them? Who would have been the stable influence in their lives? A night a week and every other weekend isn't very desireable is it? For my childrens sake I'm glad it turned out the way it did. Am I bitter? Absolutely, but I'm proud I was blessed with the oppertunity to be a full time parent, something I couldn't have been if my ex's infidelity had been rubbed in my face. And do you feel blessed that your child's reality was really a lie? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 This is a great post.. well said.. I totally agree.. I think the same way... It's not fair for the innocent children. If you care so much about the innocent children, why don't you stop f'ing their fathers? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 To an extent, an undisclosed Affair never truly ends. Quote of the week, possibly the year! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 If you aren't doing anything wrong, why do you have to lie about it? Why can't you tell the truth? If there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, then it shouldn't hurt anyone, right? Fact is, you are part of something that can hurt a child, but you just don't see that because you are just the OW. To each their own I guess. Hey..hey..hey.. wait a minute.. who's lying here? Me???? I don't think so... Why should I tell the truth... it's not my 'business' to divulge anything.. if he wants to .. then he can certainly tell HER what he wants.. I certainly will NEVER kiss and tell... and hurt his family... NEVER!!! Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Hey..hey..hey.. wait a minute.. who's lying here? Me???? I don't think so... Why should I tell the truth... it's not my 'business' to divulge anything.. if he wants to .. then he can certainly tell HER what he wants.. I certainly will NEVER kiss and tell... and hurt his family... NEVER!!! OK Miss Innocent, you don't hurt anyone by f'ing married men. And you are not part of the lie. You just keep believing that. Whatever gets you through the night. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 hereandnow i agree with what you are saying why do something you need to lie about anyway.One lie leads to another lie and it hurts the others involved.treat others in the way you want to be treated if all did that not so many would be hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 And do you feel blessed that your child's reality was really a lie? Please explain the above. My childrens reality wasn't a lie. They had parents who loved and cherished them. Cared about all aspects of their lives and worked together to provide the best we could for them. What's not to feel blessed about. My point was that I wouldn't have been strong enough to continue in the marriage if my face was rubbed in the affair. My children would certainly have suffered from the results of the affairs exposure. I'm happy I wasn't forced to take that route. I wasn't mature enough to sacrifice 15-20 years of my life for my childrens benifit. Not having a choice ended up being the best result. A blessing? Certainly. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Hey..hey..hey.. wait a minute.. who's lying here? Me???? I don't think so... Why should I tell the truth... it's not my 'business' to divulge anything.. if he wants to .. then he can certainly tell HER what he wants.. I certainly will NEVER kiss and tell... and hurt his family... NEVER!!! Nice way to ignore the rest of my pos: If there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, then it shouldn't hurt anyone, right? Fact is, you are part of something that can hurt a child, but you just don't see that because you are just the OW. To each their own I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LakesideDream Posted September 29, 2009 Author Share Posted September 29, 2009 Nice way to ignore the rest of my pos: If there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, then it shouldn't hurt anyone, right? Fact is, you are part of something that can hurt a child, but you just don't see that because you are just the OW. To each their own I guess. Herenow, ... this is off topic, but I have to write it. Lizzy isn't creating infidelity in otherwise chaste, faithfull men. They approach her. Those men are responsible for their own actions (as was I). Lizzy is responsible for only her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Please explain the above. My childrens reality wasn't a lie. They had parents who loved and cherished them. Cared about all aspects of their lives and worked together to provide the best we could for them. What's not to feel blessed about. My point was that I wouldn't have been strong enough to continue in the marriage if my face was rubbed in the affair. My children would certainly have suffered from the results of the affairs exposure. I'm happy I wasn't forced to take that route. I wasn't mature enough to sacrifice 15-20 years of my life for my childrens benifit. Not having a choice ended up being the best result. A blessing? Certainly. If you feel blessed that your wife lied to you, so be it. I have seen many great parents get divorced because they didn't want to live a lie. I have seen kids grow up with respect and love for parents who chose to be happy apart. It is possible to be a great parent and not a great spouse. The way to do that is to be honest with each other and do the right thing for the kids. Staying married isn't always the best way. But if it worked for you, great. I'm glad you feel you were blessed that you didn't know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 Why cheat when there is so many honest single men in the world.cheating is a lie anyway you look at it.If it wasnt people would not frown on this. If someone does not want to be with their mate they should move on first.Lie and you will be lied to. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 29, 2009 Share Posted September 29, 2009 [quote=LakesideDream;2409928 My childrens reality wasn't a lie. They had parents who loved and cherished them. Cared about all aspects of their lives and worked together to provide the best we could for them. What's not to feel blessed about. Totally agree.. the children should be left out of the A... In most cases, they have no clue.. Of course, I'm not talking about low-class idiots (parents) who don't care about their children... who fight and are verbally abusive in front of the kids... I'm talking about good, intelligent parents.. those parents don't mix the children with their personal (sexual) problems... Link to post Share on other sites
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