Why is everyone Ratting out their Affair Partners?

[herenow]

Herenow, ... this is off topic, but I have to write it. Lizzy isn't creating infidelity in otherwise chaste, faithfull men. They approach her. Those men are responsible for their own actions (as was I). Lizzy is responsible for only her actions.

 

OK, so no one has to think about anyone but themselves. I can't live that way, but I obviously don't have any say if others want to.

[movingforward]

Nice way to ignore the rest of my pos:

 

If there is nothing wrong with what you are doing, then it shouldn't hurt anyone, right? Fact is, you are part of something that can hurt a child, but you just don't see that because you are just the OW. To each their own I guess.

 

 

Wow Herenow.... Is there enough oxygen up there on your high horse?

 

Life is not black and white. People make horrible mistakes (admittedly that was me). It had EVERYTHING to do with my issues. I am working on those issues. My marriage is BETTER now that I am doing that. My A woke me up.

 

Don't talk about things you know nothing about. I grew up in a broken family. My father cheated on my mother. Many of my issues are because of them divorcing and not having a father figure in my life. YOU don't know the damage it would cause my children if my marriage would end (which it would).

 

You are the BS. You can spend as much time on your moral high horse as you would like, but spare me the judgements and advice when you are too bitter and jaded toward ANY OW to offer advice that isn't relevant to your own situation.

[herenow]

Totally agree.. the children should be left out of the A...

 

In most cases, they have no clue.. Of course, I'm not talking about low-class idiots (parents) who don't care about their children... who fight and are verbally abusive in front of the kids... I'm talking about good, intelligent parents.. those parents don't mix the children with their personal (sexual) problems...

 

Ah yes, the good parents who lie to their spouses instead of discussing their problems with them. MM who have affairs are the best of our society as are the women they have sex with. How can I not know that?

[LakesideDream]

If you feel blessed that your wife lied to you, so be it. I have seen many great parents get divorced because they didn't want to live a lie. I have seen kids grow up with respect and love for parents who chose to be happy apart. It is possible to be a great parent and not a great spouse. The way to do that is to be honest with each other and do the right thing for the kids. Staying married isn't always the best way. But if it worked for you, great. I'm glad you feel you were blessed that you didn't know the truth.

 

 

I don't disagree with your post. What happened to me was just one of many possible outcomes. As it happens, it was the best possible result for the children. Even if you believe that there was another option that would have ended in the same results (I don't believe it) what actually happened was "as good as it gets".

 

Do I feel "blessed" that I lived in ignorance? NO. Do I feel blessed my children grew up in a two parent household, where there was love, and happiness, security and oppertunity? Absolutely that was a blessing.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I certainly will NEVER kiss and tell... and hurt his family... NEVER!!!

 

I'm pretty sure its the kissing that hurts the family, not the telling. You do admit that its hurtful.

[Holding-On]

Please explain the above.

 

My childrens reality wasn't a lie. They had parents who loved and cherished them. Cared about all aspects of their lives and worked together to provide the best we could for them. What's not to feel blessed about.

 

My point was that I wouldn't have been strong enough to continue in the marriage if my face was rubbed in the affair. My children would certainly have suffered from the results of the affairs exposure. I'm happy I wasn't forced to take that route. I wasn't mature enough to sacrifice 15-20 years of my life for my childrens benifit. Not having a choice ended up being the best result. A blessing? Certainly.

 

Fair enough. But that is how it turned out for you. Some would say they'd like those 20 years back so that they too could have been having some strange or be with someone else while they were still young and attractive and had an easier time getting dates.

 

I don't think the OP owes the MP anything. The MP generally gives the OP nothing. Forget this honor between thieves business. I think it is dumb.

It has no more value to some OP than the institute of marriage has to many OP on this very board. It is silly to complain that people will not follow your guidelines on ethics as you stoutly declare you will not be bound by theirs.

 

Off-topic: In any case, my affair was not like that. I was waiting for my MM to tell his wife! Where other OP get the standard "I'll be leaving my spouse for you any day now" I got "I've told her 95%" and "she refers to you as my work girlfriend" and "she's okay with us but she's a traditional romantic, this is hard for her". I was dying to talk to her. I wanted to know what she really knew and what really was okay from her own lips. My successful relationships outside of marriage always involved a lot of open communication. I was waiting for that day when we'd all sit down. - yes, love with lust makes many people (well me) truly stupid.

[Lizzie60]

My childrens reality wasn't a lie. They had parents who loved and cherished them. Cared about all aspects of their lives and worked together to provide the best we could for them. What's not to feel blessed about.

 

This part of your post made me think of a discussion I had with my 'best' friend about 2 weeks ago...

 

Her parents are very old... both living.. her father cheated on his W most of his life.. I know cause everyone knew it, except the W and the kids.. I even saw him on a few occasions.. I talked about this old guy in a few posts.. he had this OW for many many years.. she was a widow...

 

Well... my friend and her sisters have absolutely NO clue that their father cheated most of his life.. My friend is in her 50s.. they never found out.. They see their father as the best man in the world.. they see their parents as the 'ideal couple'... they are both alive.. and they've been married for over 70 years...

[herenow]

Wow Herenow.... Is there enough oxygen up there on your high horse?

 

Life is not black and white. People make horrible mistakes (admittedly that was me). It had EVERYTHING to do with my issues. I am working on those issues. My marriage is BETTER now that I am doing that. My A woke me up.

 

Don't talk about things you know nothing about. I grew up in a broken family. My father cheated on my mother. Many of my issues are because of them divorcing and not having a father figure in my life. YOU don't know the damage it would cause my children if my marriage would end (which it would).

 

You are the BS. You can spend as much time on your moral high horse as you would like, but spare me the judgements and advice when you are too bitter and jaded toward ANY OW to offer advice that isn't relevant to your own situation.

 

Wow, please look back at my posts. I always say it's my opinion. I don't expect anyone to do anything just because I think it's right. Last I looked this was a public forum. If you don't like my opinions, then live you life your way. Who am I to tell you anything different? And again with the bitter BS, I just like a good conversation. All I'm asking is why would anyone do something that they know would cause pain to a child? Do you have an answer or do you just want to vent at me. Vent away, but the question still hasn't been answered, by anyone.

[stillafool]

In most circumstances I cannot understand this tactic. It seems selfish and downright mean. By disclosing the affair you damage your affair partner for sure, but.. and a huge but, you run the risk of devistation to an innocent spouse and possibly to totally innocent children.

 

What do affair finks hope to accomplish? You wern't forced into affairs with MM/MW. Nobody twisted your arms. In the vast majority of situations you agreed to the affair.

 

I don't care about either participants feelings. Both people in the affair need to be responsible both to each other, and for their actions. What did the innocent spouse and family do to deserve your anger? Why isn't it the responsibility of your affair partner to tell their spouses?

 

My heart goes out to those innocent families ruined by angry affair partners who lash out in this manner.

 

 

You are right. Wonder why no one contacts the wife/husband at the beginning of the affair to inform them that they want to start screwing around with their spouse. Where is all the honesty then?

[herenow]

This part of your post made me think of a discussion I had with my 'best' friend about 2 weeks ago...

 

Her parents are very old... both living.. her father cheated on his W most of his life.. I know cause everyone knew it, except the W and the kids.. I even saw him on a few occasions.. I talked about this old guy in a few posts.. he had this OW for many many years.. she was a widow...

 

Well... my friend and her sisters have absolutely NO clue that their father cheated most of his life.. My friend is in her 50s.. they never found out.. They see their father as the best man in the world.. they see their parents as the 'ideal couple'... they are both alive.. and they've been married for over 70 years...

 

How sad that the BW never had the chance to find a true honest love of her own. This is what I would call a tragic story. But hey who cares about the BW? What she doesn't know won't hurt her right? And in this case what she didn't know was true love. How sad for her. But she is just a BW so who cares? As long as the MM isn't looked upon as the bad guy by anyone all is well.

[stillafool]

herenow I am on punishment or something is the reason you can't PM me.

[datura_noir]

All of these responses are inclined to make me beleive that the BS is thought of as an innocent childlike creature who will crumble because their partner had an affair. We may be devistated and act out, but knowing the truth , no matter where it came from allows a BS to have the ball firmly in THEIR court (where it belongs), in regards to whether they want to continue the marriage.

 

I feel luckier that I discovered my partner's affair vs. confession, because both he and she concluded at some point that I would never find out because my H told her I didn't care what he did. They both never even thought of me at all in regards to what they were doing. I am glad I had the foresight to prove them wrong.

 

She contacted me by email in response to mine, basically, between the lines, laying out what was going on. I thank her everyday for that email, because it revealed sooo much (subliminally), that I had the upper hand. And our marriage is better for it, the affair is over and done. No matter who tells, the fact is the BS needs the info to decide the course of their life from here on out.

[scatterd]

Children know when something is wrong in a relationship they can feel it.they are smarter then people give them credit for.so why would anyone want to hurt children not always parents have control on what they feel or may here from others there is no responsible affair or lie.

[whichwayisup]

My father cheated on my mother. Many of my issues are because of them divorcing and not having a father figure in my life. YOU don't know the damage it would cause my children if my marriage would end (which it would).

 

Divorce sucks and I believe that a couple should do everything possible to make it work for the kids sake, give it their best..But if all else fails and having two parents who more or less hate eachother, should be apart.. Those kids can still be loved and have two parents, just not under the same roof. Not all divorces end up badly where the kids aren't allowed to see a parent, infact, if family counselling happens, the parents can co-parent together and get along better after a D...

 

I am sorry that you didn't have your father around growing up - But it doesn't have to happen like that with your kids. You and your H could still make it work by putting the kids first at all times..

[herenow]

All of these responses are inclined to make me beleive that the BS is thought of as an innocent childlike creature who will crumble because their partner had an affair. We may be devistated and act out, but knowing the truth , no matter where it came from allows a BS to have the ball firmly in THEIR court (where it belongs), in regards to whether they want to continue the marriage.

 

I feel luckier that I discovered my partner's affair vs. confession, because both he and she concluded at some point that I would never find out because my H told her I didn't care what he did. They both never even thought of me at all in regards to what they were doing. I am glad I had the foresight to prove them wrong.

 

She contacted me by email in response to mine, basically, between the lines, laying out what was going on. I thank her everyday for that email, because it revealed sooo much (subliminally), that I had the upper hand. And our marriage is better for it, the affair is over and done. No matter who tells, the fact is the BS needs the info to decide the course of their life from here on out.

 

I'm intrigued by the fact that others feel they know what is best for the BS and the children. Yet, those are the very same people (MM, MW, OW or OM) who are doing something potentially detrimental to both the BS and the children.

[stillafool]

Wow, please look back at my posts. I always say it's my opinion. I don't expect anyone to do anything just because I think it's right. Last I looked this was a public forum. If you don't like my opinions, then live you life your way. Who am I to tell you anything different? And again with the bitter BS, I just like a good conversation. All I'm asking is why would anyone do something that they know would cause pain to a child? Do you have an answer or do you just want to vent at me. Vent away, but the question still hasn't been answered, by anyone.

Me thinks you struck a nerve!

[herenow]

Wow Herenow.... Is there enough oxygen up there on your high horse?

 

Life is not black and white. People make horrible mistakes (admittedly that was me). It had EVERYTHING to do with my issues. I am working on those issues. My marriage is BETTER now that I am doing that. My A woke me up.

 

Don't talk about things you know nothing about. I grew up in a broken family. My father cheated on my mother. Many of my issues are because of them divorcing and not having a father figure in my life. YOU don't know the damage it would cause my children if my marriage would end (which it would).

 

You are the BS. You can spend as much time on your moral high horse as you would like, but spare me the judgements and advice when you are too bitter and jaded toward ANY OW to offer advice that isn't relevant to your own situation.

 

Will your H ever know the truth to be able to make his own decision about what is best for him? Just wondering.

[stillafool]

All of these responses are inclined to make me beleive that the BS is thought of as an innocent childlike creature who will crumble because their partner had an affair. We may be devistated and act out, but knowing the truth , no matter where it came from allows a BS to have the ball firmly in THEIR court (where it belongs), in regards to whether they want to continue the marriage.

 

I feel luckier that I discovered my partner's affair vs. confession, because both he and she concluded at some point that I would never find out because my H told her I didn't care what he did. They both never even thought of me at all in regards to what they were doing. I am glad I had the foresight to prove them wrong.

 

She contacted me by email in response to mine, basically, between the lines, laying out what was going on. I thank her everyday for that email, because it revealed sooo much (subliminally), that I had the upper hand. And our marriage is better for it, the affair is over and done. No matter who tells, the fact is the BS needs the info to decide the course of their life from here on out.

 

 

And, this is the other thing they don't understand. When you do tell the spouse, the affair is over. So if any of you want to rid yourself of MM/MW just tell the spouse. Chances are after they have been to hell and back their marriage is rock solid thanks to you.

[herenow]

Me thinks you struck a nerve!

 

Yeah, but still no answers to my questions. If I had an answer, I could make a judgment. It so hard up here on my high horse to be judgmental when I don't have any answers. But, in answer to the question asked of me, yes there is plenty of oxygen up here.

[stillafool]

Will your H ever know the truth to be able to make his own decision about what is best for him? Just wondering.

 

 

You mean he doesn't know? The way she was talking it was as if everything had been laid out on the table. My goodness I am so sick of people blaming their parents for their bad behavior. How many people come from broken homes and still conduct themselves in a respectable manner. Sorry those excuses do not fly with me. Blame yourself not your father or mother.

[LakesideDream]

Fair enough. But that is how it turned out for you. Some would say they'd like those 20 years back so that they too could have been having some strange or be with someone else while they were still young and attractive and had an easier time getting dates.

 

 

That's my point about leaving if I'd have found out in the beginning, or middle.. or? I would love to have those 20+ years back, sadly my time machine broke the minute I turned it on.

 

This is and was a reality based world. I can't change the past, much as I might want to. I admit here all the time that I'm bitter about what happened to me.

 

That doesen't change the reality that what happened with the Kids ended well. Neither one of my kids had a clue until my son (youngest by a year) actually caught his mom in a car with a guy when he was 16. He didn't say a word to anyone, not even his sister. When my daughter found out (after D-day) she was caught completely off guard.

 

All those camping trips, school plays, chorus, sports, vacations, graduations, good and bad times happened. Their Mom and I got along very well, sure she was slick, but she was as good a mother as she knew how to be. I was as good a father as I could be. The kids reaped the benifit.

[stillafool]

I was in the position too herenow, and I'm happy it turned out the way it did. Had I know my now exW was having her affair say... three years after it started, had the guy "ratted" on her during one of their numerous breakups I would have been out of the marriage like I had a bomb tied to my tail.

 

And where would that have left my two beautiful, innocent children? Who would have been there for them? Who would have been the stable influence in their lives? A night a week and every other weekend isn't very desireable is it?

 

For my childrens sake I'm glad it turned out the way it did. Am I bitter? Absolutely, but I'm proud I was blessed with the oppertunity to be a full time parent, something I couldn't have been if my ex's infidelity had been rubbed in my face.

 

But, since she is the one who cheated on you wouldn't or couldn't you have won custody?

[scatterd]

Someday all the cheating,lies,hurt and such will come back to the ones that did it only 7 times over ive seen it many times.So lie ,cheat, hurt

and when it comes you will know why.

[herenow]

You mean he doesn't know? The way she was talking it was as if everything had been laid out on the table. My goodness I am so sick of people blaming their parents for their bad behavior. How many people come from broken homes and still conduct themselves in a respectable manner. Sorry those excuses do not fly with me. Blame yourself not your father or mother.

 

Nope, he doesn't know and based on her replies, she has no intention of ever telling him. She thinks I'm on a high horse because I believe that all BS should know hhe truth and she disagrees. Her prerogative, but I sure feel sorry for her H. My opinion that is.

 

Please correct me if I'm wrong about this.

[2sure]

Its easy enough to picture a scorned OW/OM wanting to tell the BS out of spite, vengefulness, or even hope. And its an ugly picture to say the least. The result to BS is pain, and if that is the intent...it sucks.

 

BUT, regardless of the intent the result is also revelation. And no matter how the secret is revealed, or the intent behind the initiator's revealing...the secret loses its hidden undermining power, the BS now knows what is happening in his/her life and can make decisions or move forward, or ignore...but is at least now an active participant in their own life.

 

Infidelity can be justified by all parties involved including sometimes a BS. But the hidden secret affecting our lives...that to me, is something worth rectifying at all cost. No matter the initial intent or the malice felt by its messenger.

 

For a WS who stops an affair without confessing the secret...hoping to repair the marriage...you can't explain to someone that you are sorry for cutting off their fingers when in fact you have amputated their arm. You have to work together on the same page...or you are still in betrayal.