EX came back -- now I'm unsure?

[sean001]

I used this site a lot over the last few months as I went through a difficult breakup. My ex then came back a couple weeks ago wanting to reconcile things and I agreed to give it a chance. Now, I feel unsure.

 

It was very hard to get over her and I had to convince myself that she was never "the one" and that I was better off without her anyway. I guess those are the things we do when things don't work out. However, I really started to feel happy again, started dating, and was feeling excited about life. It was a very hurtful breakup and I was in a lot of pain for a while. So, at first, when she came back offering to try it again I felt like I was "over her," and I really didn't want to go backwards. But we started spending some time together and I began to wonder that I might regret it if we didn't take this chance with each other.

 

Now, I have a lot of those "old" feelings back -- even though they're not the same. Before, I was crushed because she was gone. This time, I'm feeling like I want to do things differently because what we did last time obviously didn't work. But I have to admit that I feel really uncomfortable with the situation in a lot of ways and I still am struggling with believing that this could work. I also feel like despite spending a couple years with her that now I see things differently and in many ways feel like I don't know her the way I used to. I have talked to her about my feelings and told her that despite my doubts I am still willing to be committed while we do this.

 

Is there anyone here who has gone back to a relationship after a few months apart during a breakup and went through these feelings? Could I hear some of your stories and what you did to get things "back on track?"

[KitWalker]

Firstly, congrats on getting back with your ex!!!! This is the biggest hurdle that I think most of us are trying to overcome! I dont suppose you're willing to share a few details on the following:

 

1. Who broke up with who?

2. How long were u broken up for?

3. What did you do to win back your ex?

[lost_in_chgo]

Kit, there you go mirroring my thoughts again.

 

Sean, you have to make it clear that you have to start over in the relatinship and reestablish the trust and bonds. Make sure she is really willing to try. Communication is going to be the primary thing here. Try to talk about any problems that come up regularly.

[Goatsbreath]

Seans back,

sigh, I don't know about this sean. I think we are going to be seeing a lot of you. ha ha, Just kidding man.

 

So, you've reached the point of a possible reconciliation. Now, I know there was another man in the picture before and it was looking like possible reconciliation then and you found out he was still around. She was just not really ready to let him go...........remember. The cell phone incident. So, where he is now. Has she completely pushed him out of the picture.

 

In the end only you can decide if you still want to go through with things sean. I mean ultimately, I think it comes down to if you can put the past in the past and move into the future. If you can't then you don't have a chance because you will attatch the past to every little aspect of your future. I mean, even your disposition will have to be at 100% go. Are you up to that. Because lets say you enter the realationship cautiously which is understandable. You take your time, you try not let you feelings get to caught up in anything because you want to protect yourself from being hurt again. So, in order to protect yourself, you dont give 100% right. You try to stand back a bit, you dont do all the things you could for her because thats putting yourself out on the line. After a while she starts to feel neglected and perhaps decides other people are the solution again. Suddenly the two of you are in a vicious circle of cause and effect. She starts seeking the things you are withholding outside of the realationship and meanwhile you continue to with hold because your afraid.

 

Well, I think Im just saying its going to be hard. I wish you the best however....keep us posted.

[sean001]

The situation before was posted under the "breaking up" forum... although I can't remember exactly where -- it seems I'll have to just give you a quick run down of the situation.

 

Our situation was basically an FWB that went to the next level over 2 years, but at different times for each of us. She caught feelings, I didn't -- initially -- and then when she left I was devastated. I tried to get her back, but she was over me and played with my head for a couple months while seeing some other guy. I got fed up and stopped trying. Then she came back. That's the simple version.

 

Yeah, Goats, the other guy is gone -- at least that's what she told me and I have no reason to not believe her. It's still a sore spot because she works with the guy so if some things are mentioned about work and his name comes up, I have to bite my tongue. Last week, I made the mistake of lashing out and then realized what I was doing and took it back. I'll just have to not let that get the best of me for right now.

 

I know I'm willing to do things differently in this situation and keep up the level of vigilance I had when I was trying to get her back. But certainly none of this seems "easy" by any stretch and I'm still trying to figure out how to make it a fresh start. That's why I am hoping for some ideas about people who have successfully gone back to old relationships.

[yes]

"old relationship"? it sounds like you've never had a r/s with this gal. so treat it as the start of your relationship ... her dating the other guy is quite natural given your reaction to her developing feelings for you. now if you actually have feelings for her, you can acknowledge that it's a two-way thing and build on it, right?

 

my 2c,

-yes

[sean001]

thanks for the 2c... well it was an "old" relationship in the sense that it was one-sided and unhealthy...

[Goatsbreath]

I think yes makes a good point

[sean001]

So my ex and I have been back together for about 2 weeks or so and I have felt like saying "forget it." Why? No communication.

 

On Sunday, I met her family (a positive thing), but that afternoon we had a discussion that bothered me. First, I had noticed that over the week she had become different towards me -- she was originally happy and affectionate shortly after she offered to "try it again" and then she seemed to shut down.

 

So I asked her if there was something wrong, if she was having doubts and she instead said "I'm here, aren't I?" And proceeded to want to talk about something else. She said "do we have to talk about this every 5 minutes, this gets annoying!"

 

And that statement by itself was untrue because we had spent some significant time together before without discussing it but I made it VERY clear to her then that we've only been "back" together for a week or two and at this point in time it is very important to air any problems. But more importantly, I told her I wanted to be in a relationship where I can talk to someone at anytime about anything. And not someone who thinks that my feelings are "annoying."

 

Anyway -- truth told -- I'm just not feeling it. I am having no sparks here and the relationship feels like it has no life. She doesn't seem very excited, and I certainly am not. So I wonder where to go next...

[sarah12]

I hadn't read this one until after I replied to your other post in the Break up guide thread!

 

So it looks like you're ready to throw this out the window? I think you know the answer to your own question about where to go now..you are probably just confused about why you feel this way despite the fact that you wanted her back so much when you were initially broken up?

[sean001]

just wanted to update you all that the relationship ended a couple weeks ago. I dropped off some christmas presents tonight at her house, noticed an unfamiliar car at her place, and just left the presents on her enclosed porch. I wasn't sure if getting her some gifts was the right thing, but around this time of year I tend to err on the side of generosity as opposed to nothing. But I have to say that just seeing the possibility that another man could be there confirmed that stepping away was definitely the right thing to do -- too much negative emotion all around whenever I get near it.

 

It was not the "typical" breakup where we said "this is it" but instead we both acknowledged that neither of us were happy and after a frustrating conversation (where I wanted to see if we could sort out the root of the problem and she did not) I offered to "take a break" to see how we feel in a few weeks. She asked me some questions over the next few days, like "what does this mean, what are the rules, etc." and I called her and offered to talk to her about it but she never called me back.

 

That was a couple weeks ago and we haven't spoken since. We had a brief email exchange last week that consisted of nothing more than a "just checking" kind of deal. When we "broke" I told her we'd talk in a few weeks. That time is almost here, but I'm not feeling the desire to do so, just too much raw emotion leftover and, honestly, I've been feeling a hell of a lot better not having her (or this situation) nearby. Perhaps someday we could be friends, but I don't know if that could be now.

 

Anyway, that's it out of me -- for now.

[mjk]

Way To go Sean001,

 

It takes a lot of courage to do that and so many people get stuck in staying where they shouln't belong.

 

for you to recognize your true feelings and act on them is to be commended!

[Goatsbreath]

Im with you sean, still in the boat trying to escape. Ive been doing pretty good. It had been over a month sense I talked to her but then out of the blue- christmas day- she calls. She crys, tells me she misses me but is not sure what this means. I really dont wish to think anymore about what that means. Im tired of the unsureness of everything. anyway, then a box arrives at my door with christmas presents. I dont know. She thinks it was something nice to do but honestly- how fun is it to open up the presents you used to open together. It was really more hurtful I think. ANyway, christamas is a hard time but its going. Good luck sean.

see ya

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by sean001

Is there anyone here who has gone back to a relationship after a few months apart during a breakup and went through these feelings? Could I hear some of your stories and what you did to get things "back on track?"

 

 

I did this about 10 years ago and it lasted a week and then we split up again. The feelings I had the second time around were really weird. I wanted to be with her, but at the same time I didn't. I couldn't understand why I had felt that way.

 

~V

[sean001]

hi vivid and goat

 

I'll tell you goat we live parallel lives in different ways -- I made the mistake of acting like your ex on christmas although I didn't call her or anything like that. I picked up a few presents for her and thought i would at least drop them off in a spirit of goodwill -- although I had no plans to talk to her or anything. I was just going to leave the presents on her porch and make them from "Santa." But I did have some crazy idea that even though things didn't work out, maybe we could be at least friendly with each other. WRONG! Instead, I showed up and that guy she was dating was there. The lights were out, so it was obvious he was staying the night (this was like 11:30), so i left the gifts on her porch like I had originally planned. Haven't heard a word from her at all.

 

So it did wreck me that she moved on so fast, even though I am not suffering the feelings like I've lost the love of my life or anything. It's just that she had someone on christmas and i didn't. I'm sure we'll talk again someday, but it will have to be when the emotions are not so raw. The fact I got jealous and bent showed me I can't be friends with her right now, so maybe it was a good thing. It's been a couple weeks since we spoke as it is so it's not like something really has to change.

 

And vivid, I have to say -- what did you do after your week-long "get back" relationship? We lasted about 3 weeks and both had the same feelings. Were you able to be friends or was it just too weird?

 

-Sean

[NatoPMT]

hi guys, good to see your updates. my ex also tried to come back to me, and i didnt even entertain it - i am just not ready to even be friends with him. like sean, i was actually having the time of my life, still am and i am not risking my current happiness for anything. the feelings that get stirred up when i speak with him are ugly and i dont want to feel that anymore - i need to get through this on my own so i relieve myself of any bitterness or regret. whatever happens is meant to be - and i dont feel he has any part of my life - maybe i have learned all need to from him and i need to teach myself the rest of it. all i need right now is my disco pants and and my dancing shoes.

 

what if i would have been happy with him if id agreed to try again, and this is my last chance to be with him - all i have to think to that is 'so what?' my life consists of several barometres of happiness, not just a relationship, theres so much more to me than him. what i have realised from all this is that there are other people out there that id love to be with, but when im ready and not a moment before.

 

my sister and her (now husband) split up after he was unfaithful, she left the Uk and lived in australia for 2 years, he followed her out there and their reconciliation didnt work. when she got back to the uk, 2 years later, after all the feelings had subsided, they had a clean slate and they met up to return personal items and without the clutter of the unfaithfulness hurt, they realised they still fancied each other and ended up in bed, now they have been married 8 years and are SO happy together. it was meant to be for them, but they got back together after she dealt with what she needed to deal with. their 2 years apart werent wasting time, they were invaluable in making their future work, bit of a risky strategy, mind.

 

sean, maybe you can be friends again. just not while you are still confused as you are liable to be manipulated into feeling things you dont need to feel.

[sean001]

hi bigbelm,

 

thanks for your update also -- and I completely agree. The more I think about it, the more I realize that there was no "clean slate" involved with the recent "trying again" with the ex. All the same old ugly feelings were there from the beginning. And what you said makes a lot of sense -- not wanting to return to the source of those ugly feelings. How long have you two been apart now?

 

I do hear those stories all the time of lovers becoming reunited after a long period of absence. The irony of it all is that you have to accept someone not being in your life ever again in order to accept them back into your life -- isn't that strange? I am not quite there yet...

[NatoPMT]

hi again sean, adda boy. we've been apart for just over 3 months, and for 6 weeks of that i have been - as long as i dont think about him - the best i have ever been. when i am in contact with him, i get riled up, revert to past behaviour and say things i dont even need to say unless i am in contact with him. i was SO hurt, i was shocked at the pain - i didnt even know it could exist. i am now happy for what i have been through but i cant have any contact with him at all until i am fully, absolutely recovered. whats the point in essentially being over it then purposely putting yourself back there to prolong the worst pain you have ever felt? it doesnt sound to me like your ex has dealt with what SHE needs to do too, and theres sod all you can do about that. if the communication was genuinelly 2 way then i would be the first to say go for it, but saying that she doesnt want to talk about it every 5 mins is just bang out of order, she should do ANYTHING for you - and she wont do the most basic of requirements. not even going to comment about the car incident.

 

i was starting to feel as though noone ever would live up to him, its just not not NOT true. i could shout that and stamp my feet at the same time its so not true. you are nearly there and you know damn well you can be happy without her, you already were. when shes changed is when you can be friends again, when she knows what she wants instead of imposing conditions on you. youve learned from this, but regardless of how much she hurt you, it sounds to me like shes prepared to do it again. you know what you did wrong, i remember you blamed yourself, just never do it again and dont blam eyourself for this because its her issue now, an dyou cant make someone deal with their issues she has to do it herself.

 

let us know how you get on. i want you back here in a week, armed with party poppers and wearing a comedy nose please.

[Goatsbreath]

Hey BigBelm, nice to here from you and Im glad you are being strong and staying away. I agree completely about stirring up emotions. I mean- I feel I am doing pretty well after a while of letting the pot sit on the stove and not talking. Yup- that crusty layer on top starts to form and harden. Then she calls and here comes the spoon. Lets see if we can stir this up a bit and see what kind of crap we have. Sigh- not easy.

 

SEAN:::::The irony of it all is that you have to accept someone not being in your life ever again in order to accept them back into your life -- isn't that strange? I am not quite there yet...SEAN::::::

 

Nicely said sean. Its funny how that happens but I dont think Im quite there yet, none of us are Im sure. However- strange you said that- a X from about 7 years ago made her way back into my life recently and I feel the slate is clean between us but still- the situation is no less confusing. The thing is, I loved this girl more than anything during our time together- I never felt emotions so strong. Im actually scared of her now. I dont ever want to go back to how I felt when we split. If you care to read that post it is

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=30127

 

yes, I am advertising.....not many have responded but I need help- I know I will blow this if a opportunity does infact exist.

[mandrews1119]

Dear Sean and Goatsbreath,

How are you? Goat, I clicked on your link and left a post there. Basically, I say the same to you both. All of us out here who want nothing more than the chance to make it back with our lost loves envy you and wish you the best. Be clear about what you want and be sure to correct the things that went wrong before. If she wants to try and you want to try, -- then try!!! If it doesn't work, at least you will have mutual closure, which is better than one party left wondering. If it does (and we ALL hope it does!!) then you will find a strength in renewed love that is powerful indeed. the knowledge that you came back together happily and put the past (bad things) behind to make a future is one of the strongest (if not the strongest) forces love has to offer. good luck to you both, I hope I will be so lucky in my own relationship.!

[mandrews1119]

Dear Big Belm,

How are you? I am new to these posts, but I guess at 49, I'm a senior. I try to reply to those situations that seem close to my own, or to people who seem interesting. I am a hopeless romantic and believe that love never dies, that people CAN reunite, and more often than not we miss the boat with reuniting with an ex.

 

That being said, you sounded like a very well grounded person, so I offer you my best regards and wishes for everything to turn out right, no matter which way it goes. What made me take notice and learn was your mention of the hurt and pain. I don't think that many of us guys know HOW much pain we cause sometimes, and then are so shocked at the responses from our s/o when things go sour. I know I didn't.

 

I was also so happy to see the story you related about your sister. I can only hope and pray that my own situation works out like that. In any case, I hope it goes well for you, by all means enjoy your happiness and freedom to experience further growth. You sound as though if and when you are ready and all the necessary improvements are made, that you will be well grounded to try again with your ex if you choose. The pain is only commensurate with the love, and it takes time for them to be in a place where you can even think about trying again. I hope your s/o realizes what a gem he has in you if you two give it another go. From your post and others I have learned (even more than in therapy!!) what damage the pain can do, and to make every effort not to let it happen if I am fortunate enough to be reunited. I think one of the strongest loves one can have is love renewed.

 

Do you think once you are past some of this pain that you COULD try again with him? What changes do you think need to be made? Is he willing to make them? tell him he'd better!! Best of everything.

[NatoPMT]

Hi all - thanks for your comments and support - you guys go (i said that in an american accent). i am physically incapable of responding with any sense at all today (dancing till dawn again) so will reply properly tomorrow & will have a good look at your other link goaty.

 

mandrews, in brief, i feel i have no reason to be with my ex again now, its been made easier for me by that fact hes a few thousand miles away now and i am sure that has accelerated the whole process, which is a cautionary tale to those of you still in touch with ex's in these circumstances,i just dont want to be with him anymore. i am enjoying myself too much and the thought of feeling like that seems a lifetime ago. i agree that if its worked out properly, with equal empathy, understanding etc etc then it could be the strongest love and bond - just not for me. best of luck for you though.