Found out wife is having an affair....

[HDFan]

I just found out two weeks ago my wife is having an affair with an ol' high school/college friend. She mentioned him when we first met 9 years ago but that was the last time I heard of him.

Six weeks ago I found her in the backyard talking with someone, she nevers does that. As I was walking thru the bedroom doors to see were she was I heard her say "I love you" to someone on the phone and then she hung up. At first I thought it was a family member, but why would she talk alone in the backyard. I asked her who it was and she said it was a friend. I left it at that.

Two weeks ago after coming home from work at 6pm, about 30 minutes later I heard her on the phone in her office yelling at someone and throwing F-bombs all over, then 20 seconds later I heard her say " You know I still love you" again.

This time I knew something was up and I asked her about the conversation and she said it was one of her colleagues at work. I know this colleague and she would never talk to her like that and why would she say she loved her?

I told her I overheard the conversation and she asked if I was eavedropping. I told her what I heard and that she would of done the same thing if she heard me tell someone on the phone I loved them. She left it at that.

About an hour later she hits me with the "We need to talk". We had a sit down for over 2 hours and she brought up some stuff that I could not believe why she wasn't happy anymore. I almost felt like she was trying to make me feel quilty and think twice if I want to stay in the marriage. Everything she brought up was minor things that could of been fixed if she would of just brought them up when they happened. I told her I want to work this out and will do whatever it takes to make this marriage work.

I love my wife dearly and this was such a slap in the face. I confronted her about the conversations and who this person was that she said she loved. She said again it was a friend. I asked her if she loves him and she said yes. I then asked her what's going to happen between us and she said she didn't know. She said she needed time and said she had a hotel room reserved for two nights and she left an hour later. She also said the guy she was talking to lived out of state.

So after two days she comes back home and acts like nothing happened. She's huggin me and kisses me on the lips, not cheeks, and even comes in and sleeped with me a couple nights. We sometimes sleep separately because we both snore and work different hours, but on weekends we sleep together til the first one snores and they go to the guest room.

So after a few hours I told her we need to talk about where we left off. She had this weird smerk on her face, I will never forget it. She said she needed some time away and did some thinking and said "we'll see what happens". Well, I'm not waiting around and get dragged down a long road of not knowing whats going to happen.

So one day while she was at an appointment in the city I check her email accounts and found dozens of emails from this guy. Turns out this was that old friend from school that went into the Navy and became an officer. I found out they have been meeting together on her business trips in three and maybe more cities over the last 6 months. They even talked about getting a new house here in AZ while he's stationed in FL. She picked a part of the valley she likes that had nice grocery stores....yes, can you believe this? There was lots of lovey dovey talk, lots of promises. On one trip my wife even flew into their hometown and had lunch with her parents and the guy. They both have emailed each other parents, which I find hard to believe with her parents. They always liked me and this had to be a shock, but then they knew him from years ago so who knows.

I also found out they are going to met again in three weeks in Michigan for a football game in Ann Arbor. She's been lying to me about the reason she's going there. She says she wants to see an old friend that she barely talks to once a year. And she wants me to believe shes going to spend three days with them?

Plus I found a fax on our machine a few days that shows she stayed at a Marriott in Minn while she was teaching there. She never mentioned anything about leaving campus while she was there for those two weeks.

 

So my question is.....where do I go from here? Do I wait it out a little longer and try to catch her in more lies to give me more ammo to present my lawyer, or do I just hire someone right now and hit her with it and get it over.

She has no idea about every I know. We both get on each others computers but I don't think she knows what I found.

I've gone from being very very sad to now just angry. I do still get somewhat sad from now and then. I loved her dearly and that's a tough feeling to get rid of. I just have to remember she's been with another man and quit thinking about all the good times we've had.

 

I didn't spell check this, sorry.

 

Where should I go from here?

 

Thanks...

 

Lost in AZ

[MrMayI]

i would go ahead and file papers now. check plan a on marriagebuilders.com

[Enema]

I'd collect what evidence you have now and go and speak to a divorce attorney.

 

They're in the best position to advise you if you need any more dirt.

[seibert253]

Time for another "talk".

 

Before your "talk" consult with an attorney, and I would have D papers drawn. Have them with you during your "talk". Also have some, not all, of your evidence printed out for her.

 

Sit her down and tell her you know everything about her "friend". Who he is, their plans, where they've met, and where they plan to meet in Mich. If she lies, downplays, show her your evidence.

 

Then it's Ultimatum time:

Tell her she has a choice to make; end the A and go NC with her "friend", or move out and you will be filing for divorce.

 

If she give you "I'm confused" or "I need time", tell her no, choose now. Tell her she's lied, disprespected you and your marriage, and you will no longer wait around for her. Reiterrated, chose; me or him. If she chooses him, serve her right then and there with D papers and tell her she needs to move out.

 

Do not leave your home. She's the one abandoning your marriage, she's the one who moves out.

 

You need to put the smackdown on her to either bring her out of the fog, or move on.

 

Also, is the OM married. I bet his wife would be interested in what's going on. Also, does her family know what's going on. They can be a valuable allie.

[hopesndreams]

It's over HDFan, you know it, and the best thing to do now is protect yourself. She will play you as long as she can, smirking the whole time, as long as you let her. The plans aren't quite in place yet for her and the OM, more time is needed. Don't give her that time.

 

Do follow Siebert's advice, it's smart and it's the ONLY way to know where you stand and it's better to know now than down the road, when she is ready. Take the control away from her and show her how strong you are. Any sign of weakness from you now makes you look sad in her eyes and only confirms that leaving you is the right choice.

 

If there is no doubt in the decision to be made, no hurt and no pain involved on her end, she will just saunter off into OM's arms without a care in the world. In other words, you will be tossed aside like garbage and suffer miserably, alone.

[sumdude]

I agree with the others. Having been through it one thing I wish I had done differently was be the one who ended it rather than be dragged behind the bus until she did.

[seibert253]

It's over HDFan, you know it, and the best thing to do now is protect yourself. She will play you as long as she can, smirking the whole time, as long as you let her. The plans aren't quite in place yet for her and the OM, more time is needed. Don't give her that time.

 

Do follow Siebert's advice, it's smart and it's the ONLY way to know where you stand and it's better to know now than down the road, when she is ready. Take the control away from her and show her how strong you are. Any sign of weakness from you now makes you look sad in her eyes and only confirms that leaving you is the right choice.

 

If there is no doubt in the decision to be made, no hurt and no pain involved on her end, she will just saunter off into OM's arms without a care in the world. In other words, you will be tossed aside like garbage and suffer miserably, alone.

 

I don't necessarly agree that she'll go running to the OM. Many WW's get smacked back into reality with an ultimatum, if there is still love for the BH. Worked in my instance.

[2sure]

You have all the proof you require to verify what is going on. Infidelity is not going to affect your divorce in most states. It cannot even be used as grounds for divorce.

 

So - first, consult an attorney. You have hard decisions to make and you need to know where you stand.

 

Next - find out if OM is married or has a significant other. Contact him and his spouse, if any. Everyone needs to know that you are on board here and participating. The secret and its power no longer exist. If you can muster up the courage, also tell her parents about this crisis and their probably inadvertent participation in this.

 

So - those are the things you do NOW. Only then can you start making decisions.

[phineas]

I don't necessarly agree that she'll go running to the OM. Many WW's get smacked back into reality with an ultimatum, if there is still love for the BH. Worked in my instance.

 

Mine played us both for a while until I figured it out & now she's with him wanting me to support her after she chose to walk away.

 

Get a lawyer.

Trust me & everyone else who says this.

[hopesndreams]

I don't necessarly agree that she'll go running to the OM. Many WW's get smacked back into reality with an ultimatum, if there is still love for the BH. Worked in my instance.

 

I do agree with this but the more time she has to plan the less chance the M is recoverable. The thing is, she is in very deep with the OM and it may be too late. They have got together numerous times, they have been saying the "I love you's" and also planning where to buy their house.

 

So, unless something drastic is done, and she snaps out of it; there is only a slim chance of that happening by the sounds of it....she's already gone.

 

HD, don't sit on this. The time for action is now. A slim chance is better than no chance.

[SRV]

An extreme example here maybe to drive the point home. You walk into the ER say with your child or close friend/relative. The surgeon on duty is say smoking a blunt. You child/friend/relative needs emergency surgery. The surgeon retorts, I do my best surgeries when I'm high, would you let him perform the procedure?

 

Once a spouse has cheated/deceived/betrayed the other, they have shown you what they are capable of doing, just as in the aforementioned scenario, would you ever trust her again to want to be with them? we have to know when to cut the loses and move on, pick yourself up by the bootstraps, the ol' American way and soldier on.

 

Good luck.

[HDFan]

Thanks all for the great replies and great info.

 

To answer a couple questions:

 

The other guy is not married or have a girlfriend.

 

She has known his parents since high school.

 

Both parents know each other.

 

Both sets of parents know what's going on and it amazes me that even her parents aren't more concerned. Her dad supports her for anything she does. She's daddy's little girl. But her brother and sister will no part of her anymore.

 

----

 

My problem right now is I'm in school for the next two weeks working towards my board certification and I have no time to see a lawyer until the 9th of Oct at the soonest.

 

I know things are over, even though it's hard to believe. I do have to move on and get this past me. It's effecting my studys and my health.

 

Thanks again and I will keep all updating.

[HDFan]

I do have one question.

 

If there any privacy laws about going into your spouses computer and looking for evidence. I took all the emails I found and emailed them to m y account and then deleted all the sent notices in her computer so there is no trace. I also emailed some of her work emails to me and thought I would use the excuse if it came up, that she sent a large group of emails to me one day and I found the ones of infidelity amongst them.

 

Just curious

[2sure]

HD -

 

Just a thought. Your anger and anxiety are no doubt affecting your studies and your health. And I get that with your certification this is a crucial time. Couple that with the fact that your hands are basically tied at the moment..the frustration level must be huge.

 

You might consider, going to see a doctor, telling them briefly that you are in crisis, what you are up against regarding anxiety and they might be able to give you something ..just for 2 weeks. Enough to focus and breathe, get yourself together.

[HDFan]

Thanks 2sure, but I believe I can deal with this right now without any drug interference. Just talking on here helps...

 

I called and made an appointment with a DL on Friday. I'm going to present everything I have and see were he wants me to go from here.

 

She's flying to Miami this weekend for a band competition in which she was invited to. I'm not sure if it's real and the truth or if she's just going to meet him again since he seems to be stationed in Key West.....

 

I also just found some paperwork she left on the dinette set in the front room with info about the condition of all these homes she's been looking at.

 

I just can't figure this out. She's really changed in the last 4-6 months. I'm not sure if it thoughts that this other guy is putting in her head or maybe she's sick. I just looked up bipolar disorder and she fits right into 8 of the 10 symptoms.

[hopesndreams]

Try not to label her with any mental illness. Selfishness is ruling her right now. Maybe down the road she will see what she lost, but by then, you would have moved on.

[HDFan]

Yeah...good idea...

 

Selfishness.....wow. Let me tell ya. I thought from the first year we were together, she was the most selfish person I have ever met...

 

But.....it's all about "Better or Worse"...right?

[hopesndreams]

You accepted her selfishness then, no reason to now. Her moral compass is out of whack and only she can fix it. There's not much you can do HD, her choice, her shame. Unless she owns it and begs you for forgiveness, just let her go.

[seibert253]

Dude, she left the home stuff out? You need to file ASAP. Board certifications or not, if I were you I'd be in the attorney's office yesterday, and I'd hand her D papers as soon as she got off the plane, back from FLA.

 

She'd also come home to her stuff neatly boxed, sitting in the driveway, the locks to the home changed, and empty bank accounts.

 

Dude you DO NOT NEED TO TAKE THIS. Stand up, fight back. The hell with her.

 

Who knows, a smack upside the head like that may bring her back into the real world.

[HDFan]

I understand Siebert.

 

I'm seeing a L Friday. That's the soonest I can get in. I would like to present the papers this weekend but I have a 4 day class next week, 8hrs a day, and I do not trust her alone here. I want to present papers on 10/9.

[mark982]

can't tell you enough,to seperate accts before you do anything. that's the first place she'll head. to many people(men and women) have seen serious destruction to their bank accounts.

[HDFan]

Good point Mark, but we always kept our money separate. We never had money issues over the years. We don't have kids so it was easy to keep separate with no problems

[Athena]

My guess is that she is waiting for your certification to be over, before she hits you with her requests/demands/divorce, etc... don't give her the satisfaction, don't react at all, just hand her the D-papers, and SHAME on her parents for acting so despicably and not supporting your marriage!

[seibert253]

Thanks 2sure, but I believe I can deal with this right now without any drug interference. Just talking on here helps...

 

I called and made an appointment with a DL on Friday. I'm going to present everything I have and see were he wants me to go from here.

 

She's flying to Miami this weekend for a band competition in which she was invited to. I'm not sure if it's real and the truth or if she's just going to meet him again since he seems to be stationed in Key West.....

 

I also just found some paperwork she left on the dinette set in the front room with info about the condition of all these homes she's been looking at.

 

I just can't figure this out. She's really changed in the last 4-6 months. I'm not sure if it thoughts that this other guy is putting in her head or maybe she's sick. I just looked up bipolar disorder and she fits right into 8 of the 10 symptoms.

 

Forgot about the Fla part.

Before she goes, tell her if she's lying about her trip to Miami, and she meets up with her "friend" in any fashion, your marriage is over, and you will be D'ing her. She may not care, but at least you've given her fair warning, and she can't blame this on you, though she will try.

[HDFan]

I moved up my appointment with the L for tomorrow. I'm curious how long does it take for them to write up D papers? Will it have all my requests in it?

 

We will have a talk tomorrow nite, hopefully.