Narcisissism

[Mermaiden]

Thanks, and you're right about it being ultimately a pathetic existence, but that said, my ex has optimized the lifestyle choice by living in a big city with its constant influx of fresh meat^H^H^H^Hfriends and by forming an Internet social group centered around her drinkiing binges...

 

I'm working on letting go, but alas, part of that letting go seems to be making sense of how I fell for such a scam for so long...

 

my ex boyfriend (not the MM Ive written about on here)

is a classic NPDr. you were ensnared by his charm because theyre experts at it.

there is no making sense, only acceptance and moving on.

[Turista]

my ex boyfriend (not the MM Ive written about on here)

is a classic NPDr. you were ensnared by his charm because theyre experts at it.

there is no making sense, only acceptance and moving on.

 

Easier said than done, though the revelation yesterday that pretentious perfect Ms. Holier-than-Thou (except where inconvenient) from the uber-rich family was dating a pornographer/occasional porn actor during one of our breakups has really helped...

 

Love the quote though, so very true!

[2sure]

Wanted to come back to this just for myself because after H's IC this morning, he and his Dr. called me in so my H could:

 

Say to my face, into my eyes ...an honest emotion his Dr. helped him dig up which they apparently felt would help me understand my H's problem, his emotions, etc. It was all very dramatic, I drove the Dr's office thinking they were going to commit him or he was suicidal or something. The revelation he said to me after the Dr. made sure we were both sitting comfortably?

 

"I feel like I'm a piece of ****"...tears and all.

 

I'm looking around , waiting for more. Nope. thats it!!! My response:

 

"Yeah, well...you are. Maybe thats why."

 

and to the Dr: "Seriously, I was getting my toes done *******"

 

I mean, I'm sympathetic and maybe it was hard for him to realize what any other feeling human being would but...I would have thought a professional would not have held that up like some kind of trophy. Thats all ya got??? We are 7Gs IN and you think its a big deal he says he cheated on me with 50 different women, gives me an STD, has a second life for 2 years...and what? He feels bad about himself? He feels insecure?? He has...needs?? Lose my # .

[Fallen Angel]

Wanted to come back to this just for myself because after H's IC this morning, he and his Dr. called me in so my H could:

 

Say to my face, into my eyes ...an honest emotion his Dr. helped him dig up which they apparently felt would help me understand my H's problem, his emotions, etc. It was all very dramatic, I drove the Dr's office thinking they were going to commit him or he was suicidal or something. The revelation he said to me after the Dr. made sure we were both sitting comfortably?

 

"I feel like I'm a piece of ****"...tears and all.

 

I'm looking around , waiting for more. Nope. thats it!!! My response:

 

"Yeah, well...you are. Maybe thats why."

 

and to the Dr: "Seriously, I was getting my toes done *******"

 

I mean, I'm sympathetic and maybe it was hard for him to realize what any other feeling human being would but...I would have thought a professional would not have held that up like some kind of trophy. Thats all ya got??? We are 7Gs IN and you think its a big deal he says he cheated on me with 50 different women, gives me an STD, has a second life for 2 years...and what? He feels bad about himself? He feels insecure?? He has...needs?? Lose my # .

 

LMFAO! I just spit coffee all over my laptop.. GOOD FOR YOU! ^5

 

You should have told the Dr. that now he not only owes you half of the fee for that 'session' in which he needed to call on you to validate the feelings of HIS patient, but he also owes for your pedicure!

[Athena]

Eh, 2sure, it IS a big deal that your narcissistic husband could finally admit that he feels like, secretly, he is worth nothing at all, and has to constantly cover up and hide his shame.

 

Although I totally get your reaction, lol.

 

Your H has been trying to hide that one fact for his entire life... the fact that he feels like he is Nothing (a $hit) and how he has sought validation of him being worth Something all his life...

 

I suppose the shrink felt that your H is able to deal with his narcissism if he (your H) can admit how he truly sees himself, so that he doesn't have to resort to lies and covert behavior to feel better about himself... who knows what kind of a 'breakthrough' this is supposed to be for the narcissist that is Trying to deal with his flaws.

 

So -- do tell -- what did the shrink say to you after your reaction? Did he hope for a different reaction, one like, "Oh Honey! I don't see you like that at all! I love you without judgment and will always love you. You CAN show me your real self -- I won't reject you!"

[NoIDidn't]

2Sure, I can't say that my reaction would have been much different.

 

Its kind of like, too little, too late.

[OpenBook]

The revelation he said to me after the Dr. made sure we were both sitting comfortably?

 

"I feel like I'm a piece of ****"...tears and all.

 

...Thats all ya got??? We are 7Gs IN and you think its a big deal he says he cheated on me with 50 different women, gives me an STD, has a second life for 2 years...and what? He feels bad about himself? He feels insecure?? He has...needs?? Lose my # .

 

I don't get it. I thought narcissism was the opposite - thinking too highly of yourself. So he's saying the reason why he's been behaving narcissistically is because it's really a cover for his self-loathing?

 

I don't buy it. It sounds like he's just trying to pull the wool over his Dr's eyes. Isn't that a typical manipulation tactic of a narcissist?

[sfsassy]

My husband IS a Narcissist. And now has the professional diagnosis.

People confuse being selfish and egotistical with NPD. While they may also be those things...they may not.

 

My H is not selfish, he is giving to a fault. My H , although very ambitious and image conscious...doesnt think he is better than anyone.

 

My H has empathy for others, including strangers that move him not only to tears...but also to action.

 

When my H wants something, a position, a material object, or validation....he will stop at absolutely nothing to have those needs fulfilled. He cannot wrap his head around the fact that the course of action he takes to fulfill those needs may lay waste to everything else. If the consequences of his actions dont affect him directly and dramatically in a negative way, and the result is having his need fulfilled...whats the real harm?

 

The real problem with true Narcissism is that the basis of the needs goes unrecognized, the needs remain unfulfilled.

That sounds like my ex.He was a bit selfish,but not overly so.He also could be legitimately moved to tears.

When he dumped me in a very insensitive manner, though,he seemed to have no clue why I was so mad with the way he broke up with me. I was devestated too, but knnew that if he wasn''t into me enough or whatever, those were his feelings, It was like my emotional needs meant zilch one I was no use to him .. He wanted me gone,and was going to make that happen. Looking back, he used to do stuff like that in our relationship, but I worshipped him much too much too see . I date much smarter now, and worshipping is for places of worship, not a relationship.

[Athena]

I don't get it. I thought narcissism was the opposite - thinking too highly of yourself. So he's saying the reason why he's been behaving narcissistically is because it's really a cover for his self-loathing?

 

 

Read this post for an explanation of the narcissist feeling worthless..

 

Post 18 of:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2371272#post2371272

Edited October 11, 2009 by Athena

[OpenBook]

Read this post for an explanation of the narcissist feeling worthless..

 

Post 18 of:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2371272#post2371272

 

Whoa. Then I don't understand narcissism AT ALL.

[bentnotbroken]

Whoa. Then I don't understand narcissism AT ALL.

 

 

Neither did I until I started to research why Mr. Messy was the way he was....now I don't want to understand it...or him.

[carissa]

Whoa. Then I don't understand narcissism AT ALL.

Yah not surprising because there is no such thing like it's a label invented by psychologists and psychiatrists totally!

 

Yah like NPD whatever! There is no such thing it's all psychobabble! You know like there is this list they make up which you need like a majority of the points and like whatever! I can make lists too and like just make up undesirable qualities or whatever and say it's NPD fo sho!

 

The basics are these like it's great to be in a club and pretend like it's not your problem and play the victim! It's a cool club like it was him/her and not me! Whatever people you have to own it!

 

Pretend your the victim and not like it was your poor choices if you want but that's not a good strategy to take through life. Yah own it people and like it's a weight off your shoulders totally and you can move on past it and onwards to a fresh new perspective of living! The future is yours so grasp it with both hands and make your happiness a priority!

[bentnotbroken]

Yah not surprising because there is no such thing like it's a label invented by psychologists and psychiatrists totally!

 

Yah like NPD whatever! There is no such thing it's all psychobabble! You know like there is this list they make up which you need like a majority of the points and like whatever! I can make lists too and like just make up undesirable qualities or whatever and say it's NPD fo sho!

 

The basics are these like it's great to be in a club and pretend like it's not your problem and play the victim! It's a cool club like it was him/her and not me! Whatever people you have to own it!

 

Pretend your the victim and not like it was your poor choices if you want but that's not a good strategy to take through life. Yah own it people and like it's a weight off your shoulders totally and you can move on past it and onwards to a fresh new perspective of living! The future is yours so grasp it with both hands and make your happiness a priority!

 

 

May I ask where you attended school and got your degree?

[desertmoon]

May I ask where you attended school and got your degree?

 

yeah like whatever, what do you want to know, bnb? lol...sorry, couldnt help myself.

[2sure]

I can accept that my H is a Narcissist, with paperwork to "prove'" it.

 

I can feel sympathy that his giant black hole in need of fulfillment/ validation stems from a low self image, or child abuse...or, whatever.

 

I can love him still with his faults , be they criminal, medical, or mental.

 

But you know, I still cant deal with it. Call me weak, cold, unskilled...I know my limits.

 

I have a lot to offer - I can help and have helped people with all kinds of issues. My empathy for others is limitless, especially when I have no real solution to offer.

 

I have told both H and his Dr. that OK - I understand his problem, but because his problem produces a victim - and thats ME - the only healthy thing for me to do is leave. Especially because I'm not alone here, I have a daughter to raise and protect.

 

Its as though they believe once he works through this, then we will have the opportunity to maybe rebuild trust...BUT to me, even I trusted him again, he is still a person who by nature is capable of behaving in ways that are detrimental to ME. To me, its a bit much for a professional to even expect...that I would say sure, I'll wait around with a loaded gun to my head and just hope it doesnt go off.

 

Maybe its me. My H, is so astounded in the change in my behavior. Like he never knew this side of me existed. I tell him, this is me when I feel my daughter and I are threatened, this me has always been here, I just pull it out as a last resort.

[Athena]

BUT to me, even I trusted him again, he is still a person who by nature is capable of behaving in ways that are detrimental to ME.

That is indeed, the bottom line. He is still capable of hurting you, and the only thing that keeps him from doing so is his willpower at the time, to overpower his strong desire to fulfill a need. How can you trust his willpower in the Future? It's shaky

 

this me has always been here, I just pull it out as a last resort.

Is your daughter yours from a previous marriage, or is she his daughter too?

Yeah, why is he 'surprised' that you have a built-in self-protection mechanism?

[2sure]

Daughter is not my current H's. I'm all she has. End of the line. I have to be OK. I have to keep moving forward. I have to model acceptable behavior to her, as a woman.