Am I just being melodramatic?

[glitteronthehighway]

I met a guy at the end of August at a mutual friend's birthday party. We went to the same high school and have lots of mutual friends, but we had never talked before. We ended up hitting it off and hung out every day the following week leading up to when I had to go back to school 7 hours away. When we parted, we left the terms pretty open. I said, "You want me to give you a call next time I'm in town?" and he said, "Call me before that!"

 

I didn't really expect to hear from him much, but we ended up talking in some form every single day. On the phone, texting, Facebook messaging. And it was mostly him initiating. We had a great time and I did my best to take it a day at a time and not expect it to continue.

 

I'm in my last year of college out-of-state and I plan to move back to my hometown, near where he goes to school, when I graduate in the spring. I'm back there often during the school year because my family and friends are still in the area. This past weekend, this guy and I made plans to drive to the university our friends go to and hang out with everyone. It was a seven hour drive for me, two hours for him. He's a really nice guy and wanted to have TALK before we started hooking up.

 

He said he really, really likes me, but it's too hard to be dating and in contact so often when we're so far apart. He said that he hasn't been talking to any other girls, but if he hypothetically wanted to ask out a girl on a date, he didn't want to feel bad about it. I completely agreed and told him it wouldn't make sense for us to start anything up due to the distance. He told me he wants to keep in contact, but on a friends basis, and I told him I couldn't do that--I need to cut off contact completely for a while to stop thinking about him. I told him that part later on, in a Facebook message and this was part of his response:

 

"I think that despite my best efforts, I wasn't able to clearly tell you how I've been feeling, because I guess you believe I've not become attached, and that's definitely not the case. That's why this was weighing so heavily on me last night, and even if it doesn't seem like it, this is not easy for me at all, and I want for you to believe me. I understand if you need not to hear from me, but I hope this isn't forever, because I really care about you, regardless of whatever situations we find ourselves in. I am so sorry if you feel I handled this badly or betrayed your trust, because you deserve much better than that.

If you get this, even if you don't want to talk, I'd love for you to at least let me know that you did. I'm so sorry about all of this, and if nothing else I want you to know that."

 

I think knowing a little about the guy is important. He's 22 years old, super shy, RARELY puts himself out there for girls, hasn't had a girlfriend since high school and that was a very short relationship, and neverrr does the random hookup thing. So on one hand, I understand that we shouldn't try for this. But on the other, I don't know if he's just being scared because he's never experienced this before. I guess we can't go back to what we were doing last month--just having fun without thinking about the future because we came to that point where it has to go either way. It's just that I know I'm going to be in that area often. I'm going to be home in Nov and December and January for the holiday breaks.

 

I just want to get some perspectives on this--if I'm doing the right thing by cutting contact, if I'm just being overly emotional...what he's thinking...how long I should wait to be able to be in contact more casually...?

[Ronni_W]

It sounds as if you are both self-aware and sensitive to the feelings of others.

 

From what you've posted, it does sound that you may benefit from some 'no contact' so that you can gain a bit of emotional distance. (My guess is that he'll also benefit from it.) It sounds as if you each became emotionally connected to the other despite any intentions or efforts towards the contrary.

 

You know what you need, and it is not "melodramatic" to assert your needs or to ensure that you meet them. You also need to ensure that you've got your full focus and attention to successfully complete your last year at college -- no point putting yourself in a position where you'll be spending too much time and energy wondering and worrying about what, where, when, how and with whom he is doing, IMO.

 

I guess you could tell him something like you are hoping to be able to contact him when you're home in November, but that it will depend on how well you can master your emotions / develop a bit more 'casualness' (not uncaring)? You could also let him know that your goal for n/c is so that you don't start "pining and whining" about him.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[glitteronthehighway]

Thanks so much for your response. I think the potentially melodramatic part is how annoyingly upset I am over it. I feel like I shouldn't be crying over something that only went on for a month. I think it's harder because he says it's hard for him too. If he was like, yeah I just really don't like you that much and I've found another girl...then it would be easier for me to write him off as a jerk and stop hoping he'll call me and tell me he just can't not talk to me and he wants to make sooomething work. But he is SUCH a genuinely good guy and that's rare. Maybe I just like the drama. Or maybe I should get Jeff Buckley to stop playing love songs in my head from the CD he burned me. Ugh I'm such a girl.

[norajane]

I guess I'm confused by what your exact concern is.

 

Here you say:

 

If he was like, yeah I just really don't like you that much and I've found another girl...then it would be easier for me to write him off as a jerk and stop hoping he'll call me and tell me he just can't not talk to me and he wants to make sooomething work.

But he wrote this to you in reply to you saying you need to cut off contact with him:

 

I guess you believe I've not become attached, and that's definitely not the case...

 

I understand if you need not to hear from me, but I hope this isn't forever, because I really care about you, regardless of whatever situations we find ourselves in.

So, to recap...

 

- because he doesn't feel it's a good idea to be in as close contact like you have been because you are far away from each other and will be for months, he suggested not talking as much and as intimately

 

- you agreed, but said then you'd need to cut all contact because you can't just be "friends" and do it halfway. It's all or nothing, and since it can't be all, it has to be nothing because of how you feel.

 

- he understands that, but wants to make sure that you understand he does care about you, and that he is hoping that things will change in the future so that you don't have to cut off all contact forever

 

That, to me, sounds like you're both on the same page. He gets it that you have feelings and it would be difficult for you to talk but only as friends. And he wants you to get it that he cares about you and hopes that you can start talking again once you've had some space.

 

Are you disappointed that he isn't continuing to pursue and isn't saying, "No! I can't live without talking to you at all! Let's find a way to see each other when you visit and make this long distance thing work until you can move back?"

 

I think he is respecting your feelings on this and accepting your request not to talk. Shy guys aren't the kind who will make the grand gestures to change your mind. It's not like in the movies.

 

So you have to communicate straight-up with this guy, and expect the same from him. If you're having second thoughts about cutting contact, tell him so. If you want him to do something else, be honest and tell him what you want.

 

Don't expect him to be dramatic and make grand gestures or try to sweep you off your feet, because he won't - he's respecting your wishes and won't try to persuade you to feel differently. It seems what you see is what you get with this guy...which is not a bad thing.

[Ronni_W]

Ugh I'm such a girl.

Well, like the song goes..."Thank heavens for little girls!" Right?

 

It sounds more like you're experiencing feelings of loss and sadness. Those aren't "melodramatic", either.

Have you considered being a bit more open and honest with him about your own wants and expressing those to him, instead of just hoping that he will be the one to do it for you, as it were?

 

You could tell him that your options, as you see them, are to go no contact -OR- to see if you guys can "make sooomething work." You could say that you heard him when he said that an LDR won't work for him, and you agree with him, and you realize the hardships and potential pitfalls of that. And tell him all of THAT is precisely why you need to go n/c, even if only temporarily.

 

It won't necessarily change the outcome, but it is an opportunity for you to be courageous and to practice that kind of 'intimate communication' -- and it may open a window for something that neither of you can imagine right now.

 

I do agree with you: He sounds like a genuinely good guy. But. So do you sound like a genuinely good gal

[glitteronthehighway]

This is the first time I've tried to use quotes in a post and I feel stupid but I'm not sure if it will turn out...

 

Are you disappointed that he isn't continuing to pursue and isn't saying, "No! I can't live without talking to you at all! Let's find a way to see each other when you visit and make this long distance thing work until you can move back?"

 

I think he is respecting your feelings on this and accepting your request not to talk. Shy guys aren't the kind who will make the grand gestures to change your mind. It's not like in the movies.

 

 

Don't expect him to be dramatic and make grand gestures or try to sweep you off your feet, because he won't - he's respecting your wishes and won't try to persuade you to feel differently. It seems what you see is what you get with this guy...which is not a bad thing.

 

 

Ahhh haha yes that is what I want in the back of my mind! I would never actually say that though, so no one would ever have the chance to tell me how stupid that is. Although I'm a pretty rational person and know that would never happen, it's one of those little cinema-induced fantasies that need to be knocked out and I appreciate your efforts to do so.

 

 

Have you considered being a bit more open and honest with him about your own wants and expressing those to him, instead of just hoping that he will be the one to do it for you, as it were?

 

I'm going to wait it out--give him some time to miss me. If he doesn't, then I guess that's that. But if he does, I'm going to try and find out through the grapevine of mutual friends and maybe contact him in a few weeks. I will not, however, attempt to convince him at any point that he should be with me. Thank you guys sooo much for your supportive comments. I just love LoveShack.

 

I found out from a friend who took a personal psych class with the guy that he rarely ever has "crushes." He said it just doesn't really happen to him. But yet girls fall for him left and right and every girl in the class, when asked to choose who they'd marry from their classmates, chose him. Must be NICE!

[norajane]

Ahhh haha yes that is what I want in the back of my mind! I would never actually say that though, so no one would ever have the chance to tell me how stupid that is. Although I'm a pretty rational person and know that would never happen, it's one of those little cinema-induced fantasies that need to be knocked out and I appreciate your efforts to do so.

 

It's not that I want to crush your fantasies!

 

Being realistic about what is and isn't likely, however, can help you from being crushed by unrealistic expectations.

 

There's nothing stopping you from contacting him in a few weeks at some point and telling him that you changed your mind about not talking to him at all. There's nothing wrong in getting to know him better, and letting him get to know you better, by talking every now and then and catching up with what's going on in your lives. And you can also mention that you'll be home for Thanksgiving and would love to see him. Let nature take it's course after that.