3413282 Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 Here's the deal: I meet this woman through a friend. She's 20, I'm 22. At first, I didn't really see much into her. Then, we start hanging out. I tell her I'm interested in her possibly as more than a friend, she replies "we should hang out more often." We see each other a lot for about a week, then we kiss that weekend. The whole next week, we spend like 2 hours a day together and kiss everyday. Then, after we've been dating for about 2 weeks (and known each other for about 6), I get stupid, and tell her that I really like her. I never really get strong feelings about a woman, but this one I did, so I told her. She responds that she really likes me too, but she doesn't know what to do because she just got out of a year long relationship where she got cheated on and doesn't want to get hurt again and has a lot of stuff going on in her life where she doesn't want a relationship and the responsibilities it entails. After that, we spend the whole week together, everything is cool, and she seems really really into me. We go out that Saturday night, everything is good, but at the end of the night, she comes out of nowhere with: "I thought a lot about what I want to do, but I can't be in a relationship right now. I'm not ready. I need time. I can't get hurt again. Let's just stay friends." I respond with "that sucks, I really like you, I like you so much that I don't think I could 'just be friends' with you." So, I proceed to block her IM and ignore her. I figure that the best thing I can do is push her away since I screwed up and let her know how I felt which made me seem needy. I sent her a quick IM on Tuesday night before thanksgiving. Just a brief, friendly, lighthearted conversation and then ended it. I can't get this woman out of my head though. I have never ever felt this strongly about a woman. It really sucks. What should I do? What is going on in her head? Can this work out? I'm real confused and upset.... Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 I'd say if you are interested get back in contact immediately and try to spend time with her until she is more comfortable. Don't push her. If she decided to date someone else, then you have your answer, otherwise maybe something will develop. But don't walk away without trying. Sometimes you have to take the long view. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 That's one view -- to stay in touch with her. But she was honest with you that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. You can't push her or force her to feel the same way about you. If you do she may end up resenting you. Take it slow and just be friends with her if you feel she is worth waiting for -- but don't be surprised if you wait and wait and wait and she doesn't warm up to you right away, or ever return your feelings. Since she's been so honest with you, you might want to distance yourself from her and date others for a while. If she just got out of a long relationship you don't want to be the rebound guy. Let her date some too and maybe in a few months you can hook up with her again and see if your feelings, and hers, have changed. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted November 28, 2003 Share Posted November 28, 2003 Hey there, I have a similar situation and am kind of in the same position as you (my thread is called "He feels guilty about the ex")..anyhow, I think that she is very confused right now and need some time. It's one of those things where your heart is telling you to do one thing but your mind is saying another. She spent a lot of time with you and so that is a good sign - she does like you a lot, but needs time to sort things out. I have a similar situation except mine involves a guy who isn't ready..it really does suck being this end of it ;( I think that you should leave things up to her to decide..I mean, the decision is really hers right now. What you should do is to let her know once and for all how you feel, and that you just want to be honest with her about what you want. Tell her that you understand she needs some time, and that you don't know what will come of the future, but that if she is ready and has sorted out all her feelings/thoughts, that she shouldn't be afraid to give you a call. Tell her that even though things were great between you two, you respect her for being honest with you about things. There is not much more you can do because the decision is ultimately hers.. I can't answer the question "can this work out?" because I am wondering the same as you in my situation..however, as we all know, no relationship is ever for sure, whether you have been attached for years, just started dating, or are married. Like everything else, it is a risk in life... I hope that things do work out for you ..I know I probably didn't help much but I always think that it is best to take that chance and find out for sure what is going on in her mind. I mean, if you have a lot of unanswered questions, it is only fair that you find out those answers and she should understand. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 3413282 Posted November 28, 2003 Author Share Posted November 28, 2003 See, I'd like to lay it all out there and tell her the truth, but my major concern is that it will really reduce her attraction to me if I tell her I still feel strong for her and keep talking in terms of relationships and time and all these heavy terms. I mean, love and attraction is a funny thing. My buddy, who is sort of a lady's man in my opinion, is telling me that right now, all I should do is wait for her to contact me first. He said the only way I can get her back is to start acting like she doesn't mean that much to me. He said that what I should have done when she told me she wanted to be friends on Saturday night was to say "that sounds great, I agree." I'm pretty sure that she would be the one pressing for a relationship if I had never gotten dumb and told her my true feelings for her. So anyway, my question is, should I continue telling her straight up what is going on in my head? Or, should I play sorta like I'm not upset over her and that she doesn't mean that much to me in hopes of sparking that attraction to me? I think a major reason that I feel so strong for her is because I want what I can't have. I'm really wondering if I can get her more strongly into me by flipping it on her and acting that way towards her? Also, I'm friends with her roommate? Should I ask her what is going on and tell her to keep it in strict confidence? The only problem with that is that she has a crush on me, and I don't want her subconsciously undermining my attempts to get back with her roommate. Also, is there a chance that she is hesitant to contact me first because of how I totally broke off contact with her after Saturday night? Does she think I hate her or something? I mean, I did IM her on Tuesday and was friendly, so.... Anyways, I'm a sad confused guy...... Thanks for the advice..... Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 I will try and answer my best from a girl's point of view but I am as sad as you! If I were the girl, I would be pretty hurt that you have to "act like she doesn't mean that much to me". To me, that is being really fake and I would be more hurt than anything else that I was honest with you, by sparing you from getting hurt if the situation went on any longer, and I got a cold should in return. I don't think that you should have said to her "that sounds great, I agree" because then you would totally have ruined any chance of something happening later. Saying that is incredibly fake and just makes her feel that she didn't matter to you at all. >>So anyway, my question is, should I continue telling her straight up what is >>going on in my head? Or, should I play sorta like I'm not upset over her and >>that she doesn't mean that much to me in hopes of sparking that attraction to >>me? If you do decide to tell her anything, do tell her straight up how you feel, without completely pouring your heart out. Just let her know that your feelings are still there if she ever wonders. >>I think a major reason that I feel so strong for her is because I want what I >>can't have. I'm really wondering if I can get her more strongly into me by >>flipping it on her and acting that way towards her? I think that you need ot take some time to totally think about whether or not that is the reason you feel so strongly towards her. It would be unfair if you pursued it and decided that you didn't want her after all, you just wanted the idea of being able to "attain" her. Anyways I'm not entirely sure this is the case here since you said you spent everyday with her and I don't know many guys who would do that unwillingly with a girl they haven't been seeing very long. Also, playing games is not the way to go. You sound like a decent guy - do not flip it on her. >>Also, I'm friends with her roommate? Should I ask her what is going on and tell >>her to keep it in strict confidence? The only problem with that is that she has a >>crush on me, and I don't want her subconsciously undermining my attempts to >>get back with her roommate. No, do not ask a girl who has feelings for you to be your source. She may not even give you correct information and therefore mess you up even more. >>Also, is there a chance that she is hesitant to contact me first because of how I >>tally broke off contact with her after Saturday night? Does she think I hate her >> something? I mean, I did IM her on Tuesday and was friendly, so.... She is probably hesistant to contact you because like she said, she needs time to think. >>Anyways, I'm a sad confused guy...... Thanks for the advice..... No problem. I feel for you..PM me sometime and we can be sad together...*sigh*.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 3413282 Posted November 29, 2003 Author Share Posted November 29, 2003 That helps. Now here's my question, if I don't hear from her, when should I contact her? How long should it be before I contact her? Should I contact her at all? Also, she lives 2 floors up. I'm going to see her in the hallway. What should I say when I see her? Be brief but friendly? Act like everything is cool? Tell her to not act like a stranger? If I do contact her first, what should I say? Just act like everything is cool? Or, should I talk to her about what is going on with me and her? Thanks for the advice..... Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted November 30, 2003 Share Posted November 30, 2003 honestly..I am in the same dilemna myself now and I don't know what to do either.. I am leaning towards not contacting him in hopes that he will contact me sometime in the next few weeks before we both leave here to go home for the holidays..and if not..I may send him an e-mail about how I feel about things and to wish him well (he is going away) and that hopefully we can keep in contact..because I know he would want that. But I still feel like he should be the one to contact me first! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts