Love one, like another, want to end the love and go for the like

[torn18]

Okay, I have been dating J for a little over 2 years. We have broken up on several occasions, many times because he needed time to figure out if I am the one, which still has not been decided. The last break up was about 7 months ago, and after about a month and a half, I made out with a guy one night whom I was interested in for awhile, but never had an opportunity with because of us both being involved. We went out on one date, J found out and freaked out and came back saying bad stuff and then turning it into he loves me and wants to be with me and he really wants to do it this time, yadda yadda yadda. So I decided to go back with him and ended up telling A, the date guy, I cannot be with him right now. About a month ago, things started swaying with us and he was getting back into his moody habits and admittingly said he wasn't sure about us right now. So I offered him an ultimatum that he needs to figure out if I am the one or if he doesn't know, then we need to end things. A couple weeks before that, I had the guy that I went on the date with over to my home with a couple of friends and he ended up kissing me, and I didn't stop it. And ever since that night, I had been thinking about him a lot and wondering what could have happened if I didn't go back out with J. Well, since I told J I need a break, A, the date guy, and I have been spending a lot of time together and we really want to try this. Now J hasn't made a decision, but he wants to spend more time with me, but I want to get out now, but I don't want to either because I have invested so much time with him. He knows I am not sure about us right now, but is still forcing a trip to his parents house on me this weekend even though I told him I really didn't want to go. He pretty much said that he wants me to go anyway and if I feel the same way about wanting my own time on Sunday, that is fine, but he wants me there this weekend. And he always pulls this sweetheart crap when he is threatened. So I know what I want to do, but I also have this paranoia that A wants me to break up with J and then wants to dump me b/c of screwing him over in the summer, though he doesn't act like that his intent or anything. But I am just afraid that if I dump J, A and I won't work out and then I cannot go back to J. I know, it is selfish, but help!!!

[camcutie]

Torn18,

 

Hello, Happy Thanksgiving.

 

Well first I think you are and very well should be (by the sounds of things) un happy in your relationship with J. First thing you need to do though is get out of the relationship w/j for the correct reason and realize why you should be. By the sounds of things

And he always pulls this sweetheart crap when he is threatened. So I know what I want to do, but I also have this paranoia that A wants me to break up with J and then wants to dump me b/c of screwing him over in the summer, though he doesn't act like that his intent or anything. But I am just afraid that if I dump J, A and I won't work out and then I cannot go back to J. I know, it is selfish, but help!!!

if it weren't for A you wouldn't be realizing you need to leave J for your own mental well being.

 

Now I have a vaguely similar situation, 4 1/2 yrs of someone doing what he wanted all the time calling all the shots while I sat back and made excuse after excuse about why what was so in my face wasn't happening, and I would look the other way. Basically because everytime either he left or I asked him to leave he would come back either after he found out I was dating someone or after he was finished having his fun and want a stable life again. He always knew I would take him back so he kept up what he was doing, because I didn't want to see it, so he never got confronted.

 

One morning you just , wake up and feel nothing for this person never again can you feel pain caused by this person . It is truly a relef.

 

Now please don't get me wrong I know it's so much easier to leave someone and have someone else there to care for you than to just leave someone you love and be alone. BUT, The day you can wake up and feel nothing for this person never again can you feel pain caused by this person, thats the day you will be realizing you need to leave J for your own mental well being. If you really feel you care about A then after you put a true end to your relationship with J, give it a try. With a guy that treats you like J, if A decided he wanted to get back at you and break off ties with you, then send him a thank you card and thank him for helping you through getting rid of one jerk and this time it isn't gonna bother me a bit

 

Read my post in personal rants and conffessions "Need Help Big Situation/falling in love with my ex's employee" Please give me some feed back on my situation. You will definitly see what I meant when I said, I know it's so much easier to leave someone and have someone else there to care for you. My situation is alittle different though I did wake up one day with no feelings and I do realize if I had no one at all it's better than being with my ex.

 

Good Luck.

[torn18]

Thanks for the reply. I will look at your post and give you advice. I think you can relate and I think you are right. How to approach it is another thing. Not only is this going on, but we all work together. I am not afraid of opinions of others, I am following my heart, so I am not worried about being known as the company slut or anything, I just don't want to hurt J because though he may not be what I need, he is a good guy, just is confused. I am going to his parents with him in the next state Saturday and coming back Sunday, and I am just afraid that I will chicken out b/c I will have fun with him and rethink things, again. I don't want to be so freaked out anymore, but I really don't know how to break things off. I am usually the dumpee.