Don't let your ex have control of the situation. They split up with you.

[Butterfly1]

I think that was a very postive conversation and you did the right thing by not bringing up getting back together yet. Still, let her tell you she wants you back. From what she said on the conversation, it sounds like she really missed you. Having this time apart made her appreciate you more and realize how much value you add in her life. I think she is on her way back to you but you have let her take the lead in this. I think she will eventually come back to you (from what she said on the phone) but it will be a process. I know its hard but just be a little more patient. If you ask for her back too soon, she might say she is not ready yet or be afraid that everything will go back to how it was before. Thats why I think its best for you, to keep doing what you are doing. Be positive, be happy to talk to her, don't ask her about other guys (I really doubt there are any) and be the guy you were when you were both happy. You can definately express your feelings to her as long as you are comfortable. And I guess she plans on seeing you from talking about the restaurant she wants you to go to?

 

Wecancope, I am so happy for you. Just be patient and let her come back to you. Its still going to be hard for you but I really believe that this is what you have to do in order to make it comfortable for her to know that you have both moved on from the past. Hang in there and hope you talk again soon.

[wecancope]

It's all just too confusing for me. Do you really think it was a positive conversation? I'm in a right old state.

 

I know I should not think about it, and just go with the flow. But I can't help it, there's something really bugging me! I said I'd write more about the conversation if I remembered anything else. Well I have remembered.

 

Remember me telling you about her friend that told me "don't worry you'll soon be back together"? My ex told me she had been trying to contact her for the past two weeks, but with no success. Only strange text messages saying how much time me and her (the friend) have been seeing alot of each other and that she's got some good news and some bad news (of what?), and making it out that we are getting along with each like best friends (ex's comment). What the hell is going on here? I've only seen the friend once since the break up and we rarely speak! Just before my ex split up with me, me and this girl (the friend) went to spend a week together at my parents. Because things weren't at all good between me and my ex (it was the time out period), I poured my heart out to this friend, and she seemed to be very supportive at the time.

 

Anyway, back to the phone call. My ex told me that she thought that me and this friend had something going on, because of the no contact from my behalf, and because of the weird things this 'friend' had been saying to my ex.

I'm really worried about this whole thing, because this friend has recently been dumped by her boyfriend and it sounds as though she's causing trouble between me and my ex

 

Also my ex told me, that the day I sent her the email (no more contact email), she deleted my telephone numbers from her mobile. She said she did that in case she got drunk and ended up contacting me. And then yesterday she put the numbers back into her mobile and by complete coincidence I sent her that text message a couple of hours later. How weird!!

She said she knew I would contact her eventually, because I hadn't sent back her spare house key and teddy. And she was going to phone me on Christmas day anyway!

 

She asked if I wanted any of my stuff back.

 

I'm finding all of this too difficult to cope with. You might be saying "but why", and my answer is "I don't know".

It's like torture, just sitting here, pretending that I'm happy and everything is OK, waiting for my ex to make up her mind what she wants! I so desperately want to hug her and kiss her and to say that I'm sincerely sorry about the way I behaved.

 

Why can't I just have a simple explanation from her of what's going on in her mind?

[Butterfly1]

The friend might indeed be causing some problems either intentionally or not intentionally. Sometimes misery likes company and if she was recently broken up with, she might like it if she had a friend to be unhappy with who was going through the same thing. BUT, if they haven't been in much contact, then maybe your ex just interrupted things/events differently. Perhaps she was the one who got too jealous over something casual. Don't think about it.

 

I know you want an explanation for what happenned and I think in time you will figure out what happened and what led up to this breakup. I can only speculate (so I don't know if this is right or not) but perhaps for some time she was feeling pressured or unhappy when you questioned her every move. Maybe she felt like she could not go out and have a good time without getting the okay by you. Maybe she felt guilty talking to certain people because she knew you would be jealous - maybe overtime this built up in her. She might have said something to you in the past about wanting space or comments about jealousy and eventually she just had to take a break from you...to be free and go out there and meet people. Yes, its totally selfish but what I have learned is that everyone at some point in their life has to be selfish - especially when you are in your young to mid 20s...Just to see what else is out there and live life. She might be thinking that she has been in a relationship for the last 5 years and sees all her friends go out and (appear) to have fun and might just want to be part of that and explore that for awhile. The two of you have the rest of your lives to settle down and there is only a small window in life where you really can be single and free.

 

What she probably did not consider or figure out, is that by living this life, she has to give up someone that she loves and that means a lot to her. She has seen over the past couple of weeks how hard life is without you and maybe realizes that the single life is a little over-rated.

 

Thats why you just have to be you. If she wants to be free, let her go. You too can see what life is like without attachments. I just believe that if its true love between the two of you, then eventually she will make her way back to you. SHe just needs this time to figure this out on her own...and you too. I do believe that true love always prevails and maybe this break is actually a good thing for you. If you two can make it through this, you can make it through anyway...and if it doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be.

 

I know its hard to stay positive when you are in so much pain inside but you have to be strong not only for her but for yourself. While I think its great that the communication lines are open again and you can show her that you are the wonderful guy she fell in love with. Also, go out and get busy in your own life. The busier you are, the less time you will have to miss her.

[wecancope]

I appreciate everything you've been doing for me, Butterfly1.

 

It's not an explanation of what happened I'm looking for, it's an explanation of why she is tormenting me with all the things she has been saying. We have had a very difficult couple of months running up to the split up. Many arguements. So I know what led up to the breakup, but with that I thought that she didn't feel for me either.

 

I don't think it's fair of her to have me hanging on like this, I certainly can't be just friends when I'm so emotionally attached to her. You can't tell someone that you miss them, you cry about them, you are happy to be in touch with them again, you need them to give them a massage etc, but I'm happy with my freedom!

 

I have been keeping busy, going out etc, but there is only so much you can do.

I've actually been talking to friends about this, that you can only do so much to heal yourself, but still I have my moments where a tear will start running down my face and there's that 'something' that's missing in your life.

 

She made the decision to split up with me and I accepted that, and I let her go to do whatever she had to do. I never contacted her after that, it was always her contacting me, and that is why I'm saying I'm so confused. I think she thought I'd do all the chasing thing, bombarding her with phone calls and text messages, but I did the opposite i.e. NOTHING. (well I sent her a card). I just hope she isn't thinking I didn't love her enough, because I didn't do any chasing. I hope she doesn't think I don't love her, because I didn't express my feelings to her in the recent phone call.

 

I think at that time she split up with me, I just wanted to be left alone to lick my wounds, but there was always something she had to do or say to make the healing process more difficult, until it got to the point where I said "no more contact".

Yes, when she did call, I'd say to her that we can make things work, but it was the same old answer. And there is only so much I could take.

[Butterfly1]

Actually, by not chasing her, you did the right thing. I know it sounds weird but when I went through a very difficult breakup a few years ago I read all these books on how to get back together with the one you love. ALL of them said the same thing. Accept the breakup, don't make the contact and let the other person know that you are doing okay. If you had chased her and expressed to her how much you cared, you would have only had pushed her more away.

 

I don't think she means to be tormenting you by all the things she is saying. It sounds like she is just as confused as you are with this. Doesnt sound like even she knows what she wants. She breaks up with you but then keeps on contacting you - she wants you to change but then she also wants her freedom but she also misses you as well. I know its very hard to try to move on from someone you shared so many years with when you dont even have a definate no or definate yes on whether or not you two will reconcile. That is totally unfair but thats just how it is.

 

Going forward I would continue doing what you are doing. Let her make all the contact, let her take the lead and focus on yourself and doing the things that make you happy. The happier and more independent you are, the more desirable you will be to her. She will and I think has realized what she is giving up.

 

You are not the only person in the world to be going through this and I think all of us have to go through this at some point in life. At least this experience has made you realize how deeply you can love someone and will only make you appreciate her or maybe someone else that much more in the future.

[wecancope]

Hi, I just felt the need to write. I really don't know what's wrong with me, I'm feeling soooo emotional and I've tried phoning a few people, but no one is available to talk to. I'm having my "moment" again.

 

I know that there is no one, but myself that can sort these emotions out, but I've just have the need to get everything off my chest rather than have everything looping around in my head. I feel so sorry for the people that have had to listen to my problems over and over again. I've never been like this before. Even my mother seems to have had enough of it.

 

The festive season is fast approaching, and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I had even booked some holiday off from work in the new year, as me and my ex had planned on going to Italy. I was looking so forward to that! Now i'm spending new years eve with my best friend, which is nice, but it won't be the same.

 

My ex asked me what I was doing on new years eve, and I told her. I didn't ask her what she was doing, she just told me that she has a few options, but she does not yet know!

 

I've realised that "IF" we ever did get back together, it will be a totally different relationship from what we had before, and that is probably what I'm so emotional about at the moment, I'm still grieving about our three year relationship, and I'm afraid of what is going to happen in the near future. At the end of the day, I really want to sort things out with my ex, but I feel as though I'm just hanging around, waiting for her to make "the first move", to make a decision or what ever it is that's going on (even so I'm getting on with my own life). Like I've said before, I don't know what is going on with her, but I sincerely hope that it's not just friendship she wants, cause I couldn't cope with that.

[Butterfly1]

wecancope, who wouldn't act and feel like you have been feeling? I know what you mean about friends probably getting tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. I do the same thing as well. I call them (or they call me) to talk about one thing and I somehow manage to bring up my ex and what happenned and why why why....and if they don't give me an answer that I want to hear then I just get upset at them (like when one friend told me, well, he just probably couldn't feel it and thats how it goes..it happens)

 

You are going through a very hard time right now. You dont have answers, you don't know why someone you loved could want to end or take a break from a relationship that meant so much to you. Talking it out and keeping busy is what you will have to do to make it through this. The holidays are also the WORST time to be mourning someone you lost.

 

Your ex broke up with you but she also wants to keep in contact with you becuase she doesn't know if she would want to or if she could get back together with you. I am sure you just wanted to stop the pain you were feeling when you told her no contact but were then left wondering if you could have made things work

[texastapper]

I need some help, I am so lost and confused. I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and about 7 months ago all that came to an end. She broke up with me because I was not completely honest with her over something so stupid. She now claims she can not trust me. She has been out dating new people and really living it up, but I can not shake her. She is my everything, the thought of it being my fault that we broke up is just so unbearable. I would not change the fact that we broke up, because I had gotten to a point in our relationship where I took for granite what i really had, and this time has helped me learn who I really am and the person that i want to be to her. I am a very giving person and have always gone out of my way to be there for someone else. Here is the problem now, we have been seperated for 7 months but she has never gone away and neither have I. Every time she calls I am there, and she is constantly on my mind. I think about her all day long every day. She means everything to me. She claims she just wants to be my friend and wants me to move on. I cant ahndle just being her friend, she is my everything and its just too hard to just be her friend. She claims no matter what she wants me to be a big part of her life. Am I doing the right thing ny always being there for her? Its just so hard to ignore her and every time I try to discuss us getting back together she is so determined that she cant trust me. how can I prove to her that she can trust me. I know she still loves me, and that she would still be with me if I had not lied to her. I just know I would never ever lie to her again not matter what the situation. Please someone tell me what I should do. I dont know whether to just go away or to keep doing what im doing and continue to be there. It just hurts being apart from her. I've tried dating others but its just not the same. Another thing that hurts is that I was buying her a engagement ring so I could propose to her. Then all this, this is the girl of my dreams and I want more than ever to get down on one knee and propose to her. I just wish I could change things. What should I do, please help someone.

 

Justin

[wecancope]

Hey Texastapper,

 

What is it you lied about? Why can't she trust you?

[wecancope]

Sorry I've just realised Texastapper has started his own thread!

 

Butterfly1,

 

I just had a conversation with a friend, and she told me not to play these silliy "games" and confront her with the issue "do you want me or not?". She told me it's not healthy on the mind and soul to be going through this situation. I kind of understand her point of view, but I've just been reading through all of your replies Butterfly1 and you seem to make more sense than most. The reason I say this is because I've been following your advice about initiating the contact etc, and what you have said, has in a way happened. An example of this is the reaction of my ex when I initiated the contact with a text message. It was a positive reaction, when I expected something more on the negative side. Does that make any sense what I'm saying.

 

So I've decided to follow your advice, and take it as it comes, I'll be patient and I'll let my ex come back to me (if she wants to).

 

One question! Do you really think she would make the first move if she wanted to get back with me or could it be possible that she might be waiting for me to bring up the subject? She is quite a stubben person. Does pride play a part in all of this?

 

Butterfly1, you seemed to be very positive about the phone call I had with my ex!

[texastapper]

Sorry I kind of jumped in to change the thread, its just you guys had some great advice in your thread and i just wanted to see what you could do to help me out.

 

here is the lie I told:

 

I dont think she was looking for a ticket out of the relationship. She still tells me that if I had not lied to her that we would be together. We had a group of friends that all hung out together and really got along well. One of the girls in our group was you could say new to the group. But we were all friends, I started talking to her just as friends and would invite her out with all of us and etc. But I had nothing for this girl, I mean I was getting ready to propose to my girl. But I didnt feel as though I had to tell my girl every single time I talked to this other girl and that was the lie I was keeping from her. She went on my phone records and saw that I had talked to her several times. I argued that it was only friends and that was all it really was, but she did not believe me. What was I to do, no matter what I said she did not believe me. the other girl even told her that we were nothing more than friends. But my girl just believed it as she could not trust me. It hurts because I know I had no intention of doing anything at all with that other girl, if i had only told her we talked more. I guess Im stupid for that. I wish she would believe me! What should I do this game has gone on for 7 months now and mroe than ever I want her as my future wife. how can I get us back on track?

[Butterfly1]

I understand how you just want her to tell you yes or no and if no, then let you move on. The thing is, is that I don't think she knows. Her actions and words have been inconsistent. You are in a very serious relationship, went through some rough times, she tells you that she wants a break to be free and for you to change, and yet she also wants you in her life, cried when she made a meal that you made, is telling you about a restaurant she wants the two of you to go to. I think she is just figuring everything out. She never told you that she stopped loving you, she never told you that she didn't think you guys were right for each other. She just said that she wants to explore things and wanted you to work on the jealousy issue and told you that it would take time for you to prove it.

 

From her actions recently, it looks like she has missed you and wants to see you. I think if you asked her on the phone for a final decision, she might feel pressured and she might be pushed more away. While you have EVERY right to know if you two have a chance or not, I think thats something you will be able to figure out within the next couple or weeks....how often she is contacting you...if you guys can make plans to see each other. DId you talk on the phone about seeing each other? Are you ever in her area or vice versa?

 

Or maybe on a phone conversation, you could ask her, "where do you think we will be in six month/the future" and try to figure out from there how she feels. Even if she is a stubborn person, I think you made it clear to her before you went on the break, that you wanted to work things out. You can tell her you miss her or miss seeing her but I just would not give her an ultimatum on whether the two of you can get back together.

 

Thankyou for the compliment regarding advice. I am mostly speaking from my own experiences and books I have read...but I am no expert.

[Butterfly1]

texasstapper, i just replied to the thread you started.

[wecancope]

We didn't talk about when we would be seeing each other. I didn't even think of when I'd be seeing her. I never responded to the things she was telling me, you know, about the restaurant thing, the cooking for me etc. I just didn't react, I just took everything in and tried to play it cool!

I didn't really ask her any questions, it was mainly her asking the questions. The only question I remember asking, and it was in the middle of our conversation was "Are you alright though?" and her reply was "So, so" and I think that is when she started crying and I told her to "come on now, there's no need to cry, you need to be strong!"

 

She lives in Germany and I live in England, so we are never in the area. It was a long distance relationship, but we saw each other every five days, for five days.

 

No ultimatum, definetly not.

[Butterfly1]

Then it sounds like she was having second thoughts and was just as depressed as you have been over the breakup. Maybe next time you talk to her, you can suggest the two of you seeing each other. Its not saying we are getting back together or not but it is making an effort to remain in contact....see what she says. It is too bad its long distance because you can't get togehter for that coffee or that lunch. I think you held yourself up strong in the conversation. How strong of you to hold back your feelings - its understandable considering you don't want to put your heart out there again and get crushed....but I think that it would be okay for you to suggest or bring up "I would love to see you." - It has been quite awhile.

 

And you are right, she might be too afraid to admit that she made a big mistake and might be trying to figure it out how she can make it work. Try to arrange a visit or see if she would like to come out and see you for the weekend or something like that.

 

I posted before about a friend of mine who was broken up with this guy for over a year. They started talking again and then he invited her out to visit in him in Boston (she lived in Chicago) She went out to visit him and they got back together. See what her reaction is to seeing each other. If she says that she would like to see you (which it sounds like she does from your conversation and the restaurant comment) then it gives you green flags to proceed....if she says "no, not yet..." then you know that she is still figuring stuff out.

 

Hang in there wecancope. It sounds like she misses you as much as you miss her.

[wecancope]

Well, I'll wait for her to phone me. We never mentioned anything about when we're going to talk next or who's going to call who next.

 

And if she does call, I'll see how the conversation goes first, then maybe I might say "I would love to see you". But ideally, I would like her to initiate all of these things and not me.

[Butterfly1]

I agree with you. See how things go on the conversation and hopefully she will just bring it up. At least you guys were able to break the ice yesterday. Wecancope you have been handling this situation terrifically...honestly. I really hope it works out for you. It seems like you have changed a lot over the past couple of weeks. I hope things continue to get better.

[wecancope]

It's all thanks to you Butterfly1. I couldn't of managed without your help and advice. You have in a way been my mentor!

 

We will have to see what happens now. The ball is in her court. Do you agree?

[Butterfly1]

Yes, I completely agree. You have opened the gates to communication but its totally up to her to make the moves towards coming back to you. Thank you again for your compliment. If you live in England, isn't it pretty late for you to be up?

 

Well, I am going to sleep now and going into the city tomorrow to go shopping and trim my hair.

 

Talk to you soon and thanks.

[wecancope]

Yeah, I live in England, but I'm working nights at the moment.

 

Enjoy your shopping trip Butterfly1, and do treat yourself!

 

Talk to you very soon.

[wecancope]

Just got a text message from my ex:

 

"Hey babe, i'm so glad that we are talking again. You can always count on me. Enjoy your days off. Big hug."

 

I can always count on her????? What does she mean!

 

I haven't replied yet. How should I reply?

[Butterfly1]

Wait a day or don't reply at all since she didn't ask you a question. If you do you could say something like, you can count on me as well but i just would not write back right away. make her wonder what you are up to.

 

you are obviously on her mind

 

off to the city now.

[wecancope]

I thought that might be the advice I'd get, that's why I delayed in replying to her.

 

I won't reply. I couldn't really think of anything to say to her anyway! I just hope that by taking this approach doesn't make the situation even more difficult than it is. Agree?

 

What does she mean by "you can always count on me" anyway? These are the sort of things she says that really confuse me. In what way can I count on her?

 

It's simular to another text message she sent me soon after the break up saying "if there is anything I can do to help", when obviously, at the time, there was only one thing I could think of that could help me, us working things out!

[wecancope]

Hi,

 

I'm in such a sticky situation! I took your advice Butterfly1 and I never replied to the text message my ex sent me on Thursday, just to see how she would react!

 

Well yesterday (Sunday), she sent me this text message:

 

"Hey, I tried ringing you. It's all chaotic cause my car is broken. How have you been? Enjoy the night but don't drink too much. All my love."

 

My reply was this:

 

"Sorry to hear about your car. Hope you are OK! I'm alright thanks. Take care!".

 

Then I got this reply from her:

 

"Do you regret it that we are back in touch? What's wrong? I can feel it. Love."

 

I was kind of shocked, and hesitant about how to reply. So I left it a couple of hours as I needed to think about it.

So I replied to her with this:

 

"No, I don't regret being in contact again! What makes you think that? Sorry, I've just got your text! I hope you are smiling. Sweet dreams!".

 

And then today I received this text message from her (Well two actually, as my mobile has been switched off all day):

 

1) "Hey, your 1st text sounded so cold as if we didn't know each other, and I never got a reply on Thursday. Are you at your parents. Give them my love. Talk to you soon. Love."

 

2) "Hey babe, can you please send me your parents address. Can't find it. Thanks. Love."

 

My reply was this:

 

"Morning! I've just woken up and I still feel pretty dead. Hope you've had a moreproductive day than I have! Enjoy your day and I'll speak to you soon."

 

Am I behaving correctly or am I being too cold towards her?

 

I was talking to a friend and she was telling me why I wasn't expressing my feelings towards my ex, and I told her that I couldn't because my defensive system has kicked into action, and I don't seem to have control of it! I'm finding it very difficult to expose my feelings for my ex to see. I'm so scared that she might reduce me to the state I was in a couple of weeks back.

 

What should I do?

[Butterfly1]

Sounds like your ex wants things to go back to they way they were before but doesn't mention whether or not she wants to reconcile or not. I think you have been doing great and I don't blame you for having your defensive mechanisms up. She hurt you and you can't go back and start loving her again and putting yourself in that vulnerable position if she is just going to tell you she is not ready to get back together.

 

What you can do is tell her exactly that. That you do care about her a lot and want to be there for her but you also know that you are broken up and you would not be moving on if you were to go back to how things were before. (with the nice text messages and such) You can say that you would like things to work out between the two of you but if she does not think you two are right for each other, you are just trying to move on with your life. You care about her but don't want to confuse yourself if there is no chance for the two of you. She should understand that.

 

It doesn't sound like she knows what she wants. She obviously is still attached to you and wants you back her life but is not saying to what extent -- does she want to reconcile or does she just want her space. Maybe if you just let her know that its not that you don't care about her that you are acting this way but that you are just doing the only things you can to survive.