psn4love Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Happily married but not gettng passion I crave. An affair goes against everything about me but I am getting increasingly frustrated and it seems my sexual cravings only increase as time goes on. What to do? Link to post Share on other sites
bettybree Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 dont do it it will destroy your life Link to post Share on other sites
aeh Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Please please please talk to your wife. You could have been my H exactly a year ago. We weren't having much sex at all (maybe once every two weeks). He did tell me that he wanted it more and I brushed him off. He told me MANY times he wanted it more, I still brushed him off. I had NO IDEA that he would ever go out of the marriage. This never would have dawned on me. I was busy with kids, house, PTA, volunteer, friends, etc We had a good relationship (so I thought!!) in all other areas but the sex had dropped off dramatically over the last couple of years. Needless to say, my H had an almost year long A with a married co-worker. This has absolutely positively devastated me and our marriage. If you knew the hell that my H and I have been through the last three months, you would never go down that path. Got your wife into counseling or a physician or a sex therapist with you and address whatever is there and tell her how much this means to you. I am horrified to say that at one point I even thought to myself if he had to get a blow job on the side every now and then as long as I didn't have to do it then I would be fine with that. Ha. I had no idea how far from the truth (or how close to the truth) that would be. My H has said now on a daily basis how he wishes he had chosen another path, how he wishes he had talked to me until it changed. He DID try to talk to me, but I had no idea how serious this was or I would like to think I would have done something differently. If he had told me there was an attractive woman at work that he was tempted with, I hope it would have shaken some sense into me. We have cried and cried together. Our M is shaky but we're still together, for now. If it hadn't been for the kids, I would be gone. I have had a revenge affair which has brought untold heartbreak to my H. Please please please don't go down this path. You have no idea how fast it can all unravel. You wouldn't believe how much your world can fall apart. Friends of mine that have been through similar issues, while I empathized with them, I had NO CLUE of the pain involved. It is all encompassing, all consuming, overwhelming grief. It will KILL your wife inside. Destroy her soul. Tear your children apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Well... do it.. you won't be the first and certainly not the last.. I suppose you have already talked to her.. did all the cartwheels in the living room.. everything has been said and done.. and you still have no sex.. it's a lost cause.. your W probably don't love you as a lover anymore or her libido went kapput... who knows.. My advice.. if you get a OW... make sure she is looking for the same thing you are.. meaning she won't nag you to leave your family... don't get too attached emotionally... you will be too miserable once you're back home.. just go for the sex and be clear to your OW about this.. It might, in fact, be good for your M... you will be happier at home... you won't have to beg your W for sex.. your W will be happier, since you're not nagging for sex anymore.. the kids will be happier to see their parents happy... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Please please please talk to your wife. You could have been my H exactly a year ago. We weren't having much sex at all (maybe once every two weeks). He did tell me that he wanted it more and I brushed him off. He told me MANY times he wanted it more, I still brushed him off. I had NO IDEA that he would ever go out of the marriage. This never would have dawned on me. I was busy with kids, house, PTA, volunteer, friends, etc We had a good relationship (so I thought!!) in all other areas but the sex had dropped off dramatically over the last couple of years. Needless to say, my H had an almost year long A with a married co-worker. This has absolutely positively devastated me and our marriage. If you knew the hell that my H and I have been through the last three months, you would never go down that path. Got your wife into counseling or a physician or a sex therapist with you and address whatever is there and tell her how much this means to you. I am horrified to say that at one point I even thought to myself if he had to get a blow job on the side every now and then as long as I didn't have to do it then I would be fine with that. Ha. I had no idea how far from the truth (or how close to the truth) that would be. My H has said now on a daily basis how he wishes he had chosen another path, how he wishes he had talked to me until it changed. He DID try to talk to me, but I had no idea how serious this was or I would like to think I would have done something differently. If he had told me there was an attractive woman at work that he was tempted with, I hope it would have shaken some sense into me. We have cried and cried together. Our M is shaky but we're still together, for now. If it hadn't been for the kids, I would be gone. I have had a revenge affair which has brought untold heartbreak to my H. Please please please don't go down this path. You have no idea how fast it can all unravel. You wouldn't believe how much your world can fall apart. Friends of mine that have been through similar issues, while I empathized with them, I had NO CLUE of the pain involved. It is all encompassing, all consuming, overwhelming grief. It will KILL your wife inside. Destroy her soul. Tear your children apart. See.. this is what happens... the H nags, begs, prays... then he gives up... starts an A... out of desperation... (in most cases). The OP didn't say if he had those serious discussions yet.. but my bet is that he had... and like you... still nothing happen.. Link to post Share on other sites
Trojan John Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 A marriage that is not based on love and HONESTY is not a marriage worth having. Have a frank discussion with your wife about your desires and intentions. If that doesn't work, divorce her. There is NO GOOD REASON to cheat on your wife. It might, in fact, be good for your M... you will be happier at home... you won't have to beg your W for sex.. your W will be happier, since you're not nagging for sex anymore.. the kids will be happier to see their parents happy... Lizzy, please tell me that you're not this callous and short-sighted. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 If you are going to do it make sure you consider all the potential consequences. If you really feel this is past the point of repair then consider a divorce...it will probably be less painful and messy. Sure some people have affairs and get away with it...but read the stories here...mist come away with at least a broken heart. Think about well...all I'm saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 A marriage that is not based on love and HONESTY is not a marriage worth having. Have a frank discussion with your wife about your desires and intentions. If that doesn't work, divorce her. There is NO GOOD REASON to cheat on your wife. Lizzy, please tell me that you're not this callous and short-sighted.[/QUOTE] Then you'll have to tell many therapists who think just like me: like this one: Mira Kirshenbaum, who has over 30 years' experience as a marriage therapist, says the 'right kind' of affair can be a positive thing, acting to "jolt people from their inertia". Link to post Share on other sites
Trojan John Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Mira Kirshenbaum, who has over 30 years' experience as a marriage therapist, says the 'right kind' of affair can be a positive thing, acting to "jolt people from their inertia". The part to focus on is "can be". However, I'm quite certain that affairs do more to damage marriages than they do to help them. I'm also willing to bet that being honest with and really romancing his wife would work better than cheating on her. If not, I guess I owe you a Coke. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 this guy reminds me of hjames, but with him he's already considering it, Here's the thing he should put it in black and white. We have more sex, or I find it outside! sometimes the blunt approach does work, but only as a last resort. You got to be gentle about things she is probably going through something, who knows why she doesnt like sex. Did she expect to get married and not have sex? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Happily married but not gettng passion I crave. An affair goes against everything about me but I am getting increasingly frustrated and it seems my sexual cravings only increase as time goes on. What to do? Tell your wife exactly what you said here. That you are happily married but not getting the passion you crave from her. Maybe if she knew how close you are to cheating on her, having an affair for just sexual purposes, she'll change her ways..Or, give you the green light to go ahead and do whatever you please.. Anyway, if you want to become someone you won't like someday, a liar, cheater, betrayer - Go ahead and have that affair..Just don't justify it, own it and be ready to watch your wife go through a living hell when you get caught. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Happily married but not gettng passion I crave. An affair goes against everything about me but I am getting increasingly frustrated and it seems my sexual cravings only increase as time goes on. What to do? as I asked another unhappily married man, what is YOUR role in making this not work? You talk about your needs – and they are very valid – but what are your wife's needs, and how is her sexuality being impacted by every day real life? is she the person responsible for keeping the house running smoothly on top of working a separate job? Are you giving equal time to helping her parent your children? Does she even have a chunk of time to call her own that she's not being someone's spouse, mama, boss, etc? If she's running hard trying to make y'alls life run smoothly, chances are sex is the last thing she even thinks about because she just doesn't have the energy or desire to be yet something else to someone. what can you do to change the situation in a positive way, and are you willing to do that? Would you dump the kids off on y'alls family, clear your schedule from all "me activities" and go someplace where you can focus completely on each other with no outside influences? seriously think about whether you are doing everything you can to make the situation more conducive to lovemaking, rather than making demands on someone who may just not have anything left to give when she's close to being tapped out. It could very well be that she wants to be with you sexually but the last thing she feels like is being someone's love-monkey because she's got so much else going on in her brain/life! I know what it's like to be in a sexless marriage, and to be so frustrated with your partner for not putting out that you tell yourself screwing around is the best answer for everyone when deep down, you know it's really just wounded pride talking. Sometimes you've got to look at the bigger picture to see just what it is you can do to make the situation better so that your mate starts growing interested in getting jiggy with you again ... threatening her is gonna do just the opposite of what you want (getting her interested in sex with you again), IMO Link to post Share on other sites
christys Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Hell yes do it. It will make your wife want you more once she finds out you have been having wild sex with another woman. The sex with your wife will be really good for about 2 weeks to 1 month after she finds out and after she knows you quit having sex with the OW, then it will return to the way it was before the affair. IME, once sex, passion, lust dies in a marriage, it NEVER comes back. I know my reply will get the typical responses from the people on here who hate to admit the truth about their marriages, but IMO that is what will happen. Some people go entire lives in a boring, sexless marriage because of fear of the unknown. They fear financial difficulty or what will happen with the children or what will family think, but the real reason to leave a bad marriage is for personal happiness. Go ahead, please yourself!!! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 It will make your wife want you more once she finds out you have been having wild sex with another woman. The sex with your wife will be really good for about 2 weeks to 1 month after she finds out and after she knows you quit having sex with the OW, then it will return to the way it was before the affair. And there's the loss of trust and faith.. Turning her world upside down, all that she knows, all so her husband can have hot sex again.. Is throwing away your marriage for some hot sex worth it? If so, then go ahead,but be prepared to lose all that you've worked for.. your life as you know it. Link to post Share on other sites
christys Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 And there's the loss of trust and faith.. Turning her world upside down, all that she knows, all so her husband can have hot sex again.. Is throwing away your marriage for some hot sex worth it? If so, then go ahead,but be prepared to lose all that you've worked for.. your life as you know it. Hopefully he will have hot sex with his next wife. And end up leaving the wife who is now burned out on the sex with him. Get real. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 well, theoretically it *could* work ... if the goal was merely hot sex. But this guy sounds like he really does love his wife, so sex for sex's sake isn't going to cut it. Either he's going to regret what he's done by having an affair, or he'll start forming emotional bonds with the new parter, opening up a can of worms either way, because what woman wants to be her husband's second choice? Any sex they have after he has an affair is going to be tainted, questionable and purely revenge/desperation sex on her end just to "prove" something to him. Does someone who loves his wife really want to do that to himself/their marriage? Or is physical gratification the important thing? a friend once pointed out that someone who stays in a marriage just for sex is practicing a highly advanced form of masturbation, because the partner isn't as important as the sex act is. Seeking out sex outside a marriage equates to the same thing ... Link to post Share on other sites
christys Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 well, theoretically it *could* work ... if the goal was merely hot sex. But this guy sounds like he really does love his wife, so sex for sex's sake isn't going to cut it. Either he's going to regret what he's done by having an affair, or he'll start forming emotional bonds with the new parter, opening up a can of worms either way, because what woman wants to be her husband's second choice? Any sex they have after he has an affair is going to be tainted, questionable and purely revenge/desperation sex on her end just to "prove" something to him. Does someone who loves his wife really want to do that to himself/their marriage? Or is physical gratification the important thing? a friend once pointed out that someone who stays in a marriage just for sex is practicing a highly advanced form of masturbation, because the partner isn't as important as the sex act is. Seeking out sex outside a marriage equates to the same thing ... A sexless marriage is plain boring...PERIOD...love or no love...men want sex, and so do women...but often in marriage the sex dies..so go find the one sho the sex does not die with that you can love also. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Happily married but not gettng passion I crave. An affair goes against everything about me but I am getting increasingly frustrated and it seems my sexual cravings only increase as time goes on. What to do? get a divorce before thinking about an affair. but could the reason that you aren't getting sex might be that she is already having sex...with someone else? Just throwing that out as a possibility, because that was the case in my marriage. but you didn't see me going out and lowering myself to a cheater's level. have you talked to her about this? if so, what is her reaction? Sometimes it takes getting a little upset in front of them and just let her know you are a neglected husband. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 what if this poster really *doesn't* want to **** around on his wife? And finds the thought of extramarital sex unappealing as well as stupid? What words of encouragement do you give to him then? Or does getting one's rocks off supercede all else? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 what if this poster really *doesn't* want to **** around on his wife? And finds the thought of extramarital sex unappealing as well as stupid? What words of encouragement do you give to him then? Or does getting one's rocks off supercede all else? who is saying this? the only one here condoning that he does go out and screw around is from someone who has admitted taking money for sex. So I don't think anyone really considers that person to be credible. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Maybe what the real questions are, what do each of them bring to the marriage? Or... what has changed since they were happy and sexually active. The answer to one of those questions may be the solution to the problem. I have learned here on LS that most people who are married and no longer enjoy sexual relations are very unhappy, and begin acting out. Maybe it's just a symptom, or is it a root problem? I'm old, and picky, so possibly my opinion is worthless... but I couldn't stay "in love" without physical passion (if possible, sickness changes stuff). Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 who is saying this? the only one here condoning that he does go out and screw around is from someone who has admitted taking money for sex. So I don't think anyone really considers that person to be credible. Go back and read the thread.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Maybe what the real questions are, what do each of them bring to the marriage? Or... what has changed since they were happy and sexually active. The answer to one of those questions may be the solution to the problem. I have learned here on LS that most people who are married and no longer enjoy sexual relations are very unhappy, and begin acting out. Maybe it's just a symptom, or is it a root problem? I'm old, and picky, so possibly my opinion is worthless... but I couldn't stay "in love" without physical passion (if possible, sickness changes stuff). I also noticed that too... not just on LS... in RL as well.. I've been there... and from my experience.. it's just that women just fall out of love...the H becomes like a brother.. a best friend.. sex is not important anymore.. Could be the routine.. the daily routine.. chores, work, kids.. same routine sex.. once we find out what we like sexually.. a few licks, no kissing, missionary position, OK.. my turn.. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Go back and read the thread.. nobody, but one person:rolleyes:, condoned it, only mentioned that if he does it that he needs to consider the consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted September 30, 2009 Share Posted September 30, 2009 Im sure it has nothing to do with her not caring.Sometimes hormones, presure,tired,depressed and such could play a roll in not wanting sex. Tell her how you feel and let her know you are not excepting this. If you cheat you will not get it from her again she will know within her self what your doing.If its so important get a divorice then have sex.Think with head on your shoulders Im sure you can work this out.good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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