Wife doesn't like sex...I'm thinking about an affair

[christys]

You know when marriage becomes like you just described it then it is time to move on. And there are too many just like this. I realize you do not want to hear any men complaining but I am on the other side of it. I don't want to hear another woman complaining about men.

 

I read every book and started being the best I could be. I was not getting my needs met but I thought I need to give it a try. This went on for about 3 months and she was happy. I never pressed her for sex and I never said no to her on a lot of things. She went shopping all the time and quit her job. I thought the happier she was the better it would be for us. You know what I got a very happy woman because she did not have to meet my needs and I was still meeting hers.

 

We talked and she said she just did not think sex was an important need. She loved me but it was not a big deal to her. After having a long frustrating discussion I told her I would no longer meet her needs anymore for anything. Her needs were no longer important to me either So she needed to go out and get a job because I would not be funding any more shopping.

 

Then I filed for divorce. There is simply no need for a man to be married to a woman who does not like to have sex with them. Now I don't think the wife should have sex if she does not enjoy it. I also don't think the man should stick around in a sexless marriage.

 

There are other woman out there who do enjoy sex. My XW did try to get me to stop the divorce but I did not because I just did not want to go to work and support someone who was using me as a paycheck.

 

And let me be clear I don't think a woman should just have sex with her husband even though she does not want too. I just don't think a man should stick around with a woman who does not care about his needs.

 

I see no reason to stay married if that is the case. I made plenty of money I did not need my wife for that. I married her and sex was part of the deal.

 

I see it no differently than if a couple marry and the man decided he no longer wants to work. How many women will stay with a man who stops working? Not many.

Your response is so truthful! I see a sexless marriage the same way. I was involved with a MM, and his wife refused to have sex with him. He told her many times that he would find it somewhere else, and he did with me, then he moved in with me only to return to her a short time later. Did you ever leave your W and then return once she promised to be more willing to make love with you? I suspect this is what happened with my MM, and I also suspect that his W needed his money, in fact I know she needed it. I have heard it does'nt take long for the wife to return to her old ways once she knows the OW is out of the picture and she has won her H back.

[Impudent Oyster]

Have you and Eeyore1981 read a single post in this section or the Marriage section..... It has nothing to do with orgasms or doing the little things, being a good partner, doing your fair share...... Or there are a bunch of lying men here full of cr#p..... So tired, so old...... JamesM why do you even bother trying to explain?????

 

Fine, if one spouse is not satisfied with the amount of sex in the marriage, and they've exhausted all the possibilities for having an agreeable amount of sex, then they get divorced. Viola!

 

What they DON'T do is have an affair to get the sex they feel they are lacking in their marriage.

 

I'm not saying anyone has to or should stay in a sexless marriage. On the contrary, if you're not happy or satisfied, get divorced, but don't whine and complain for years or cheat. Those aren't solutions.

[JamesM]

I've seen people advise men to wash the dishes, help with the kids, etc., and I am sure these men do this for the most part, but whether they are verbalizing it or not, in most cases it is coming across loud and clear to the woman the man is not doing this because he loves her and wants to help her out, he is doing it for his REWARD, sex.

 

Ironically, when a man DOESN'T do these things, he then hears "How can you expect me to want sex when you didn't do (fill in the blank), or you don't help around the house?" "How can I be relaxed with so much work to do?"

 

So the H decides that doing these things will make his wife happy and more relaxed. THEN he hears.."So you expect sex as a reward?" When in reality he expected her to show her love to him by way of sex as this is the language he recognizes.

 

I guarantee you, almost every woman in a marriage has had sex with her husband when she really didn't feel like it. And I also guarantee you, almost every one of those women got no appreciation for it.

 

So lets just say, for the sake of argument, a woman is required to have sex whenever her H wants it. What, pray tell, is a man required to do? Have sex?

 

I guarantee you, almost every man in a marriage has had long conversations and had other emotional bonding sessions with his wife when he did not feel like it. And I also guarantee you, almost every one of those men got no appreciation for it.

 

A man is required to be an emotional support and a listener and a support. Women (and especially my own wife) need that emotional connection to feel close. Yet they cannot translate that and realize that men feel the same connection when their wives express love via sex.

 

If a man treated sex as one action of many others that are a natural result from the love and respect he feels for his wife, in most cases this would be a non-issue.

 

If a woman didn't view communication and emotional sharing as any more important than doing dishes, taking the trash out, providing for the family or similar activities, then maybe they could use the argument that sex is no more important that any other actions used to express love.

 

But no, most men would rather not look at their part, instead, they want to believe their wife is "withholding" sex from them, make themselves a victim, and all that crap because they would rather feel right than be happy. It's ridiculous, and it's like talking to a brick wall.

 

And I can guarantee you that when my wife feels that we are not talking enough, then she looks at it as if I do not think she is important. When in reality it has nothing to do with her.

 

The problem is that women do not realize that love is expressed via two languages...emotional connections and physical connections. One means more to women and one to men.

 

The overriding issue here is...when we say that we must remain faithful to our partner, the very first thing we mean is sexual fidelity. Why...if it is just one of many actions that express love?

 

Understanding that you have felt the pain of infidelity first hand, I can understand your anger, but perhaps you can see that there is another viewpoint that is not based on selfishness or simply a hunger for sex. It is a need for a sexual connection with the wife that drives many men to great frustration when the women "decide" that sex is "just another action to express love." usually at this point, it means that sex is no longer necessary. Ironically, when a woman is with a man who no longer wants sex, she, too, feels that she is being rejected and soon gets the same level of frustration.

 

Pretending that affairs occur in a vacuum that has no connection to the state of marriage is what causes many marriages to never recover.

[Storyrider]

Hi James...

 

Maybe this should be its own thread...but, do you feel satisfied when your wife has sex with you despite not wanting it?

[JamesM]

Hi James...

 

Maybe this should be its own thread...but, do you feel satisfied when your wife has sex with you despite not wanting it?

 

I will answer it and ask Tony for forgiveness. I think it applies enough to the topic. Hopefully he sees it that way, too.

 

Actually, I have answered this a number of times, and most recently on my thread.

 

I go back and forth with this one. Yes, I want her to feel the passion for herself. Yes, I would enjoy it more if she enjoyed it, too. But still...knowing that she is doing it as an expression of her love for me even if she is not physically enjoying it at the time, does mean something to me. It does show her love. While I enjoy most conversations with her and do not mind taking time from my own activities to talk with her, there are times I do so only for her. This is no different with her and sex at times, too.

 

I think what gets most men is how sex is made out to be a need that only the man has, or in some cases, it is the reverse. If the issue was a lack of interest in sex yet it was also expressed that this is a problem with our marriage...not just an issue with the one who "needs" sex, then most people would be less frustrated with the partner who doesn't desire sex anymore.

[Storyrider]

Thanks. I will read your thread. I've been gone for a while and hadn't seen it.

[Angel1111]

Please please please talk to your wife. You could have been my H exactly a year ago. We weren't having much sex at all (maybe once every two weeks). He did tell me that he wanted it more and I brushed him off. He told me MANY times he wanted it more, I still brushed him off. I had NO IDEA that he would ever go out of the marriage. This never would have dawned on me. I was busy with kids, house, PTA, volunteer, friends, etc We had a good relationship (so I thought!!) in all other areas but the sex had dropped off dramatically over the last couple of years.

 

I'm amazed that women can be this clueless. It completely floors me. All the red flags were there and yet you ignored them and brushed him off. I'm sure he thought that the two of you once had a good relationship, too - until you were willing to jeapordize your marriage to this point. I don't blame him for giving up and he should've just left you.

 

Any person - male or female - who honestly believes they can withhold sex and think their spouse would never cheat is truly dilusional. I have seen this over and over and it amazes me that women, in particular, can be this stupid. Refusing to have sex with your spouse is the highest form of rejection and most people are not going to take this well - ever. They will look for comfort elsewhere - just about every single time. And everyone here can preach their morals all day long but this is what will happen. You can pretty much count on it.

 

What I never understand in these situations is why is it that women don't feel the need to connect with their husbands on this level? How can THEY go years and years without lovemaking? Sex isn't just about sex - it's a connection, it fulfills a human need to be touched and loved. And then sometimes it is just sex and that's great, too. Why on earth do these people get married in the first place??? Do you think that if after a few years you decide you're tired of sex that that's all that matters? You're in a relationship with someone, so guess what? Their wants and needs do factor in. Don't people realize that if the foundation of their home is on shaky ground, the rest will fall apart? Again, I'm simply amazed. Really.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I will answer it and ask Tony for forgiveness. I think it applies enough to the topic. Hopefully he sees it that way, too.

 

Actually, I have answered this a number of times, and most recently on my thread.

 

I go back and forth with this one. Yes, I want her to feel the passion for herself. Yes, I would enjoy it more if she enjoyed it, too. But still...knowing that she is doing it as an expression of her love for me even if she is not physically enjoying it at the time, does mean something to me. It does show her love. While I enjoy most conversations with her and do not mind taking time from my own activities to talk with her, there are times I do so only for her. This is no different with her and sex at times, too.

 

I think what gets most men is how sex is made out to be a need that only the man has, or in some cases, it is the reverse. If the issue was a lack of interest in sex yet it was also expressed that this is a problem with our marriage...not just an issue with the one who "needs" sex, then most people would be less frustrated with the partner who doesn't desire sex anymore.

 

 

Again I come back to women and the enjoyment and participation in sex (or as some women like to call it "Lovemaking"). If you liked it and the two of you had a satisfying sex life and you marry, with at least one in the marriage thinking it is an important part of the "marital" vows, don't you expect it to continue?

 

If it is fun and enjoyable, like anything you do as a release (TV, Hobbies, sports, gardening, golf, tennis, activities....), is it not something you want to continue to do? If you stop "liking" it, which I find very hard to understand, wouldn't you want to address why it happened and the affect on the other? Let's pretend it is tennis.... The two of you played tennis 3X's a week for 10 years and enjoyed it, had competitive games and it was fun. One day one partner looks at the other and says, everything is fine, I still like tennis but it will be once a week.... Next year they announce that forget it, as much as they enjoy the game still, let's play only once a month..... and so it goes, until they play only 3-4 times a year or less, while seeing each other daily and the one telling the other, that it is no big deal and the other shouldn't be upset about the lack of tennis, and if they are really upset about it, to go hit a ball against a wall....

 

Is it not something that is frankly usually a 30 minute exercise (I know we all want to be in bed doing it all day:p)?

 

Do you (men and women) not enjoy orgasms? Call me stoopid.

Edited October 2, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic

[hopeful1980]

I am a wife who enjoys sex with my husband. He never fails to give me an orgasm. However, for a while we didn't have a lot of sex and I didn't want to.

 

External factors make we want to have sex or not want to have sex. When my husband lost his job, got depressed, and started drinking, I did not want to have sex with him at all. I don't care how much he tried when we were in the bedroom. The things that would have usually turned me on before, didn't turn me on because the person he had become (unmotivated, lazy, weak) were a huge turn off to me.

 

Then add to that the fact that I had more responsibility because he lost his job, I felt overwhelmed and couldn't relax enough at the end of the day to become aroused even with him trying. I had too much on my mind. My husband uses sex to relax, but I can't have sex until I am relaxed. In this instance, I feel like it's his job to relax me and my job to tell him how to acheive this.

 

I really don't appreciate the one sided view of sex a lot of men on this board present. It's always, "well women need to understand that men need sex." I'm pretty sure women understand that. I'm not sure men understand how to get women to satisfy that need. I'm not even convinced men even feel like they should have to "get" women to satisfy it or if they think women should just want sex the same as they want it.

[JamesM]

Any person - male or female - who honestly believes they can withhold sex and think their spouse would never cheat is truly dilusional. I have seen this over and over and it amazes me that women, in particular, can be this stupid. Refusing to have sex with your spouse is the highest form of rejection and most people are not going to take this well - ever. They will look for comfort elsewhere - just about every single time. And everyone here can preach their morals all day long but this is what will happen. You can pretty much count on it.

 

I liked your complete post, but quoted part of it. Well said.

 

However, for a while we didn't have a lot of sex and I didn't want to.

 

External factors make we want to have sex or not want to have sex.

 

Did you make those issues known to him as to why you did not want sex? And when the issues were resolved, did you then have interest in sex with him? And while you did not have sex, did you lose interest in the idea of sex...or sex with him?

 

I think what some of us experience is that the partner has no interest in sex with no known external factors...or rather there are no factors that are mentioned as the reason. In my case, I can say that she has said a number of times that she just has no interest. I can't count how many times I have tried to get some reasons...any reason...to resolve. And I usually hear that "It is me not you." I have also heard that "There is nothing about you that I want to change."

 

There is nothing more that I would like is to one day stumble across her posting on a board like this (which she has zero interest in doing) and discover that there really is a reason...even if she does not love me. Then I would have something to work with. Personally, I think and believe that there is a reason she will not face. I just have no clue what it is.

 

I really don't appreciate the one sided view of sex a lot of men on this board present. It's always, "well women need to understand that men need sex." I'm pretty sure women understand that. I'm not sure men understand how to get women to satisfy that need. I'm not even convinced men even feel like they should have to "get" women to satisfy it or if they think women should just want sex the same as they want it.

 

Two things....

 

I for one know that we men need to "get women to satisfy that need." However, in my experience, my woman does nothing to let me know how. As I have said, I cannot tell you how many websites, books, and more that I have read or listened to regarding this subject. Yet I have not solved this issue.

 

And I say that sex is NOT about me getting satisfied. If it were only that, then I doubt I would go through all of this hassle. My desire and I think the desire of any man who truly loves his wife and wants to express that love to her via sex, is to see her satisfied sexually. This gives greater pleasure and satisfaction to me than simply a climax.

 

I do not believe that a woman should always be available to a man in marriage without letting "external factors" affect the sexual intimacy. I do not believe that sex should be expected whenever and wherever the man desires. However, as Ange nicely said, when a partner decides to withhold sex for a length of time without attempting to explain why or resolve the reasons, then how can it be expected that the marriage will survive...let alone be a happy one?

[Lizzie60]

Tooprag.. I liked your example about tennis... It is like that..

 

Women, more than men, get tired of 'tennis' men love sports.. it's a fact..

 

the less you play the less you want to play... with the same partner.. then bring a new 'instructor'.. oh la la... then the game is fun again... but only for so long..

 

Everything else is good with the partner.. except the tennis.. it's like that..

 

Methink we grow apart.. no couple grow at the same pace.. IMO...

 

Men, IMO.. can live a long time.. with the same 'habits' days after days.. as long as they have sex.. women do not need sex as much.. they just need the romance..

[hopeful1980]

I liked your complete post, but quoted part of it. Well said.

 

 

 

Did you make those issues known to him as to why you did not want sex? And when the issues were resolved, did you then have interest in sex with him? And while you did not have sex, did you lose interest in the idea of sex...or sex with him?

 

I think what some of us experience is that the partner has no interest in sex with no known external factors...or rather there are no factors that are mentioned as the reason. In my case, I can say that she has said a number of times that she just has no interest. I can't count how many times I have tried to get some reasons...any reason...to resolve. And I usually hear that "It is me not you." I have also heard that "There is nothing about you that I want to change."

 

There is nothing more that I would like is to one day stumble across her posting on a board like this (which she has zero interest in doing) and discover that there really is a reason...even if she does not love me. Then I would have something to work with. Personally, I think and believe that there is a reason she will not face. I just have no clue what it is.

 

I did make my issues known to him. I told him that because he had lost his job coupled with the fact that he wasn't helping out more around the house, I had lost repsect for him and it had made my sex drive diminish. If I lose interest in sex with my husband, I lose interest in sex. I don't separate one from the other. I wouldn't reject my husband without telling him why because I do feel like it's my responsibilty to let him know how he can fix the problem. He can't read my mind.

 

 

 

Two things....

 

I for one know that we men need to "get women to satisfy that need." However, in my experience, my woman does nothing to let me know how. As I have said, I cannot tell you how many websites, books, and more that I have read or listened to regarding this subject. Yet I have not solved this issue.

 

Well you have a point here. It is her responsibility to let you know how she can satisfy her. You can't read her mind. But I think that many women don't even know themselves how they work sexually. A lot of women aren't even having orgasms - and these are women who have sex all the time. Many people say it's the man's fault, but honestly it's the womans fault for not figuring out what pleases her. I mean, I know women in their 30s who have never masturbated. I didn't even try it until I was in my 20s! You can't really tell a person how to please you or what is wrong if you don't know.

 

And I say that sex is NOT about me getting satisfied. If it were only that, then I doubt I would go through all of this hassle. My desire and I think the desire of any man who truly loves his wife and wants to express that love to her via sex, is to see her satisfied sexually. This gives greater pleasure and satisfaction to me than simply a climax.

 

I do not believe that a woman should always be available to a man in marriage without letting "external factors" affect the sexual intimacy. I do not believe that sex should be expected whenever and wherever the man desires. However, as Ange nicely said, when a partner decides to withhold sex for a length of time without attempting to explain why or resolve the reasons, then how can it be expected that the marriage will survive...let alone be a happy one?

 

Happiness isn't gauranteed in marriage or in life. We all have the choice to be happy regardless of the circumstances in our lives. I think this makes a tremendous difference in a marriage. Unfortunately, it's a cycle that happens in a marriage that creates an sexless atmosphere. It keeps happening over and over again. We can figure out why, we just can't stop trying. I think men, especially, give up way to soon. Maybe they don't leave the marriage, but they check out emotionally. You can't change your wife. You can't make her want to have sex. All you can do is change yourself and hope that the happiness that you feel is contagious.

 

 

But again, I'm so young and my marriage is so new. I haven't had to deal with years of rejection and the anger and resentment that comes with it. I still have hope, hence the screen name!

[eeyore1981]

You know when marriage becomes like you just described it then it is time to move on. And there are too many just like this. I realize you do not want to hear any men complaining but I am on the other side of it. I don't want to hear another woman complaining about men.

 

I read every book and started being the best I could be. I was not getting my needs met but I thought I need to give it a try. This went on for about 3 months and she was happy. I never pressed her for sex and I never said no to her on a lot of things. She went shopping all the time and quit her job. I thought the happier she was the better it would be for us. You know what I got a very happy woman because she did not have to meet my needs and I was still meeting hers.

 

We talked and she said she just did not think sex was an important need. She loved me but it was not a big deal to her. After having a long frustrating discussion I told her I would no longer meet her needs anymore for anything. Her needs were no longer important to me either So she needed to go out and get a job because I would not be funding any more shopping.

 

Then I filed for divorce. There is simply no need for a man to be married to a woman who does not like to have sex with them. Now I don't think the wife should have sex if she does not enjoy it. I also don't think the man should stick around in a sexless marriage.

 

There are other woman out there who do enjoy sex. My XW did try to get me to stop the divorce but I did not because I just did not want to go to work and support someone who was using me as a paycheck.

 

And let me be clear I don't think a woman should just have sex with her husband even though she does not want too. I just don't think a man should stick around with a woman who does not care about his needs.

 

I see no reason to stay married if that is the case. I made plenty of money I did not need my wife for that. I married her and sex was part of the deal.

 

I see it no differently than if a couple marry and the man decided he no longer wants to work. How many women will stay with a man who stops working? Not many.

 

BBM

 

And most women don't want to be treated as p*ssy.

 

Your work analogy doesn't fit. In most marriages, both the man and woman work. Plus, even if you were working and she wasn't, you benefit from your paycheck, too. Unless you are insinuating wives are nothing more than prostitutes?

 

There was a reason I lost interest in sex. I'm not willing to share it, but if I did, even you would not fault me for it.

That being said, there were 2 years at the beginning of our marriage when I was the one not getting nearly as much sex as I wanted. While I think this problem affects men more than women, I don't consider it a 'gender' thing. What I do consider a gender thing is how men think if they can't get it up, it's not their fault, but women, on the other hand, are not allowed any excuses whatsoever.

 

As far as moving on, I agree. I can't see me staying in this marriage much longer, right now I am just trying to recover myself emotionally. Maybe I'll meet someone else, and as long as he truly loves me and treats me accordingly, I'll have as much sex as he wants til they throw dirt in my face.

[eeyore1981]

Ironically, when a man DOESN'T do these things, he then hears "How can you expect me to want sex when you didn't do (fill in the blank), or you don't help around the house?" "How can I be relaxed with so much work to do?"

 

So the H decides that doing these things will make his wife happy and more relaxed. THEN he hears.."So you expect sex as a reward?" When in reality he expected her to show her love to him by way of sex as this is the language he recognizes.

 

Ok, let's turn your example around, and let the woman only have sex with her husband when she wants something in return. You might not mind at first, but if your whole purpose of wanting sex is as an expression of love, how long do you think you are going to feel love when every time your wife has sex with you, she is expecting something in return. You threw some periods in there, but basically said exactly what I did, you help around the house expecting to be shown love by way of sex. Not because you are showing love, but expecting sex in return, get it?

 

 

 

I guarantee you, almost every man in a marriage has had long conversations and had other emotional bonding sessions with his wife when he did not feel like it. And I also guarantee you, almost every one of those men got no appreciation for it.

 

Long conversations and sex are two different things. Get locked up with Bubba for a few months, and see if you don't agree.

 

A man is required to be an emotional support and a listener and a support. Women (and especially my own wife) need that emotional connection to feel close. Yet they cannot translate that and realize that men feel the same connection when their wives express love via sex.

 

I agree in a clinical sense, however, if the only reason you are doing this is to get sex in return, you aren't emotionally bonding, any more than your wife would be if while having sex with you she was reading a book and chewing bubble gum.

 

 

 

If a woman didn't view communication and emotional sharing as any more important than doing dishes, taking the trash out, providing for the family or similar activities, then maybe they could use the argument that sex is no more important that any other actions used to express love.

 

 

 

And I can guarantee you that when my wife feels that we are not talking enough, then she looks at it as if I do not think she is important. When in reality it has nothing to do with her.

 

Hmmm, you won't take the time to talk with her enough, yet that doesn't mean she is unimportant, it has nothing to do with her? So what are you doing during these times, that obviously you feel is more important, or you would be talking with her instead.

 

The problem is that women do not realize that love is expressed via two languages...emotional connections and physical connections. One means more to women and one to men.

 

The overriding issue here is...when we say that we must remain faithful to our partner, the very first thing we mean is sexual fidelity. Why...if it is just one of many actions that express love?

 

Read this forum. The vast majority would prefer, if having to suffer infidelity, it be a one night stand vs. an EA involving love.

 

Understanding that you have felt the pain of infidelity first hand, I can understand your anger, but perhaps you can see that there is another viewpoint that is not based on selfishness or simply a hunger for sex. It is a need for a sexual connection with the wife that drives many men to great frustration when the women "decide" that sex is "just another action to express love." usually at this point, it means that sex is no longer necessary. Ironically, when a woman is with a man who no longer wants sex, she, too, feels that she is being rejected and soon gets the same level of frustration.

 

I don't think sex is not necessary, I think it is not THE ONLY THING in a marriage. I realize situations are different. In mine, I really don't ask for much. I don't expect my H to give up everything in his life and focus on me 24/7. However, say someone dies in my family. Yes, I expect love, support, and understanding from my H, and if he is unwilling to provide that, then he shouldn't be crawling in bed at night expecting me to put out. It has nothing to do with me punishing him, it has to do with me feeling like I am nothing to him but a piece of *ss.

 

Pretending that affairs occur in a vacuum that has no connection to the state of marriage is what causes many marriages to never recover.

 

My responses in bold. I can't figure out the multi-quote function.

[SueBee3490]

Any person - male or female - who honestly believes they can withhold sex and think their spouse would never cheat is truly dilusional. I have seen this over and over and it amazes me that women, in particular, can be this stupid. Refusing to have sex with your spouse is the highest form of rejection and most people are not going to take this well - ever. They will look for comfort elsewhere - just about every single time. And everyone here can preach their morals all day long but this is what will happen. You can pretty much count on it.

 

IMO - the highest form of rejection is an affair/cheating.

[eeyore1981]

I am a wife who enjoys sex with my husband. He never fails to give me an orgasm. However, for a while we didn't have a lot of sex and I didn't want to.

 

External factors make we want to have sex or not want to have sex. When my husband lost his job, got depressed, and started drinking, I did not want to have sex with him at all. I don't care how much he tried when we were in the bedroom. The things that would have usually turned me on before, didn't turn me on because the person he had become (unmotivated, lazy, weak) were a huge turn off to me.

 

Then add to that the fact that I had more responsibility because he lost his job, I felt overwhelmed and couldn't relax enough at the end of the day to become aroused even with him trying. I had too much on my mind. My husband uses sex to relax, but I can't have sex until I am relaxed. In this instance, I feel like it's his job to relax me and my job to tell him how to acheive this.

 

I really don't appreciate the one sided view of sex a lot of men on this board present. It's always, "well women need to understand that men need sex." I'm pretty sure women understand that. I'm not sure men understand how to get women to satisfy that need. I'm not even convinced men even feel like they should have to "get" women to satisfy it or if they think women should just want sex the same as they want it.

 

BBM

I feel exactly the same way. So do all my friends whose sex life has taken a nose dive.

LOL, it really kills me. It's mostly men who say things like, "We used to have sex almost every night when we first got married, and now I'm lucky if it's once a month..." but never once stop to think about all the things THEY used to do when they first got married and don't do anymore.

It's a vicious circle that isn't going to be fixed overnight. If more people would take an honest look at themselves and how they are contributing to the problem, it could probably be fixed. However, it isn't going to work for everyone, just like some men are selfish @ssholes, some women are, too.

[eeyore1981]

Tooprag.. I liked your example about tennis... It is like that..

 

Women, more than men, get tired of 'tennis' men love sports.. it's a fact..

 

the less you play the less you want to play... with the same partner.. then bring a new 'instructor'.. oh la la... then the game is fun again... but only for so long..

 

Everything else is good with the partner.. except the tennis.. it's like that..

 

Methink we grow apart.. no couple grow at the same pace.. IMO...

 

Men, IMO.. can live a long time.. with the same 'habits' days after days.. as long as they have sex.. women do not need sex as much.. they just need the romance..

 

Yes, I agree completely. To enjoy tennis, it implies it is fulfilling wants or needs you have. If you get tired of playing tennis, it must not be fulfulling those wants and needs anymore. It's probably the way your partner is playing the game, no variety, same serves over and over, so you should go out and get a new partner, so you can enjoy tennis again, and let your old partner play with himself. :lmao:

[Lizzie60]

Yes, I agree completely. To enjoy tennis, it implies it is fulfilling wants or needs you have. If you get tired of playing tennis, it must not be fulfulling those wants and needs anymore. It's probably the way your partner is playing the game, no variety, same serves over and over, so you should go out and get a new partner, so you can enjoy tennis again, and let your old partner play with himself. :lmao:

 

Exactly.. men don,t get tired of the sport.. they get tired of the 'racquet'... or they need more than one..

Edited October 2, 2009 by Lizzie60

[eeyore1981]

Exactly.. men don,t get tired of the sport.. they get tired of the 'racquet'... or they need more than one..

 

I was thinking more along the lines of women not losing interest in the sport as a whole, just having the ball hit the same exact place every time.

[hopeful1980]

I was thinking more along the lines of women not losing interest in the sport as a whole, just having the ball hit the same exact place every time.

 

For me it's the fact that I don't want to play on a dirty court that I've been trying to clean up all day while he sat on the bench waiting for the game to get started.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yes, I agree completely. To enjoy tennis, it implies it is fulfilling wants or needs you have. If you get tired of playing tennis, it must not be fulfulling those wants and needs anymore. It's probably the way your partner is playing the game, no variety, same serves over and over, so you should go out and get a new partner, so you can enjoy tennis again, and let your old partner play with himself. :lmao:

 

But that is not the point. Men who have affairs, are indifferent, lazy, depressed, bad in bed, emotionally distant..... Not the point....

 

The tennis analogy again has been twisted. The one partner still wanting to play tennis, can not understand why the other no longer wants to play. Nothing has changed, the games are still competitive, the two have improved over the years, they work up a good sweat and are both satisfied after the game.

 

So one now harbours resentment, the other not knowing, that even though the games are good, he/she hasn't been employing enough drop shots, spins, lobs or approaching the net enough to "truly" satisfy the other;). That partner hasn't suggested lessons, bought a book or video to watch and just decided to give up on tennis.

 

Anyone remember Seinfeld and the move that involved a swirl????? Putty showed Jerry the move, who explained it to George and comedy ensued.... I sort of think this is much like that....

 

We are not mind readers..........

[hopeful1980]

Anyone remember Seinfeld and the move that involved a swirl????? Putty showed Jerry the move, who explained it to George and comedy ensued.... I sort of think this is much like that....

 

We are not mind readers..........

 

I love that episode.

 

But anyway, you have a good point. I do not think a lot of women understand how unfair it is to stop having sex with them without even telling them why. I will admit I didn't. I was afraid to tell my husband and even when I thought I was telling him, I wasn't making it clear that the actions I was complaining about were the reason for our lack of sex.

 

As much as I do not like it, it's the wifes job to let her husband know how he can help her and she has to make it clear that if he does those things it will put her more in the mood for sex. Unfortunately, I don't think a lot of women know what they need so they can't tell the husband how to give it to them.

[Lizzie60]

Thing is .. it's not always that clear.. it is clear once hell broke loose.. but when sex drive is slowly going away over the years (it doesn't go away overnight)... it's often not because of ONE reason.. it's a combination of things.. mostly IMO.. boredom.. lack of sexual stimulation (same old, same old)... could be a zillion of reasons.. so MOST of the time.. the woman doesn't have an explanation.. she doesn't know herself what went wrong... all she knows is that SHE DOESN'T WANT SEX ANYMORE..

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I love that episode.

 

But anyway, you have a good point. I do not think a lot of women understand how unfair it is to stop having sex with them without even telling them why. I will admit I didn't. I was afraid to tell my husband and even when I thought I was telling him, I wasn't making it clear that the actions I was complaining about were the reason for our lack of sex.

 

As much as I do not like it, it's the wifes job to let her husband know how he can help her and she has to make it clear that if he does those things it will put her more in the mood for sex. Unfortunately, I don't think a lot of women know what they need so they can't tell the husband how to give it to them.

 

Then get him a book or dvd..... I've said it before, I'm lucky, I look at my wife with lust in my eyes and frankly very little she needs to do to get me in the mood (actually nothing)..... As a male I am the one feeling pressure to work on my topspins, lobs, dropshots...... I would expect most males feel the same..... Females are and I'll be sexist, more worried about their "conditioning";).

[hopeful1980]

Then get him a book or dvd..... I've said it before, I'm lucky, I look at my wife with lust in my eyes and frankly very little she needs to do to get me in the mood (actually nothing)..... As a male I am the one feeling pressure to work on my topspins, lobs, dropshots...... I would expect most males feel the same..... Females are and I'll be sexist, more worried about their "conditioning";).

 

I wasn't talking about positions or technique and whatnot. I honestly don't care if my husband ever changes his form. He's good at it just the way it is.

 

I was talking more along the lines of women not knowing the external factors that contribute to not wanting sex. They don't know why they don't want it. It's not the technique that's wrong (sometimes it is, I'm not negating that fact), it's the fact that she doesn't feel sexy or she's too tired. And most women do tell their husband these things, but they don't tell them how to make them feel sexy or less tired.