Wife doesn't like sex...I'm thinking about an affair

[reddog63]

Please please please talk to your wife. You could have been my H exactly a year ago. We weren't having much sex at all (maybe once every two weeks). He did tell me that he wanted it more and I brushed him off. He told me MANY times he wanted it more, I still brushed him off. I had NO IDEA that he would ever go out of the marriage. This never would have dawned on me. I was busy with kids, house, PTA, volunteer, friends, etc We had a good relationship (so I thought!!) in all other areas but the sex had dropped off dramatically over the last couple of years. Needless to say, my H had an almost year long A with a married co-worker. This has absolutely positively devastated me and our marriage. If you knew the hell that my H and I have been through the last three months, you would never go down that path. Got your wife into counseling or a physician or a sex therapist with you and address whatever is there and tell her how much this means to you. I am horrified to say that at one point I even thought to myself if he had to get a blow job on the side every now and then as long as I didn't have to do it then I would be fine with that. Ha. I had no idea how far from the truth (or how close to the truth) that would be. My H has said now on a daily basis how he wishes he had chosen another path, how he wishes he had talked to me until it changed. He DID try to talk to me, but I had no idea how serious this was or I would like to think I would have done something differently. If he had told me there was an attractive woman at work that he was tempted with, I hope it would have shaken some sense into me. We have cried and cried together. Our M is shaky but we're still together, for now. If it hadn't been for the kids, I would be gone. I have had a revenge affair which has brought untold heartbreak to my H. Please please please don't go down this path. You have no idea how fast it can all unravel. You wouldn't believe how much your world can fall apart. Friends of mine that have been through similar issues, while I empathized with them, I had NO CLUE of the pain involved. It is all encompassing, all consuming, overwhelming grief. It will KILL your wife inside. Destroy her soul. Tear your children apart.

 

Hmm, you sounded remorseful and finally understanding of the pain you put him thru by refusing sex over the years............until you had the revenge affair............and you say, if it werent for the kids you would have been gone! You can say the same for him........He SHOULD have been gone before he even had the affair!

 

Also, it doesnt sound even yet...........you both had an affair, plus he had not had his needs met............you are one up on him.

[65tr6]

I guess it's not right to call it an affair if she's giving permission?.

 

I dont think so...Affair by definition includes dishonesty, deceit, betrayal. We need a new term for this. Opennair ? lol.

 

And yes I was going to tell her - I've reluctantly agreed to what she wants - no physical relationship, so I feel it's my right to say what I want. I've told her I still want sex, so if she's not going to give it too me how else will I get it? .

 

ok, clarify for me. no more physical relationship with your wife ? Isnt that pretty much the case already ? Or are you saying, no more attempts on your part to even touch her as in you will sleep in separate rooms ?

 

I meant to ask you this earlier, did you tell your wife about your affair with that lady ?

[CarrieT]

I dont think so...Affair by definition includes dishonesty, deceit, betrayal. We need a new term for this. Opennair ? lol.

 

Incorrect. This is the definition of an affair so having sexual relations outside of a marriage (with or without the spouse's knowledge) would be considered an affair:

 

af⋅fair–noun

 

1. anything done or to be done; anything requiring action or effort; business; concern: an affair of great importance. 2. affairs, matters of commercial or public interest or concern; the transactions of public or private business or finance: affairs of state; Before taking such a long trip you should put all your affairs in order. 3. an event or a performance; a particular action, operation, or proceeding: When did this affair happen? 4. thing; matter (applied to anything made or existing, usually with a descriptive or qualifying term): Our new computer is an amazing affair. 5. a private or personal concern; a special function, business, or duty: That's none of your affair. 6. an intense amorous relationship, usually of short duration. 7. an event or happening that occasions or arouses notoriety, dispute, and often public scandal; incident: the Congressional bribery affair. 8. a party, social gathering, or other organized festive occasion: The awards ceremony is the biggest affair on the school calendar.

[GorillaTheater]

Okeydoke, maybe it would be an Affair, then. What's debatable is whether it would constitute "cheating". I think I would view it as cheating for me, personally, in my marriage, but I might see how others could view it differently in theirs.

[confusedinkansas]

I guess it's not right to call it an affair if she's giving permission?

 

If she gives permission & she knows about your comings & goings....That's referred to as an OPEN MARRIAGE. She doesn't have to participate to make it open.

I still say, Tell her, & just do it. She's already given permission.

From what I read - Lots of people are "Doing It"....& you'd be surprised how many people out there are in the throngs of an affair right now & their spouse is well aware of what's going on & still says nothing. It's no different than that.

[confusedinkansas]

What I have READ & know for a fact from personal experiences.

 

Doesn't mean it's right - Doesn't mean it's wrong. To each his own I say:cool:

[bentnotbroken]

One thing I think it is important for women to keep in mind is that the Husband--not the children, not the chores, not the PTA--the husband has to come first. It is by far the most sensitive relationship--one based on attraction--versus that with the children, which is an automatic bond. Although I rarely agree with Lizzy, she is right when she says that too many marriages become brother-sister, college-roomate type relationships. This is the result of way too much routine and taking-for-granted killing off the necessary intrigue and sensuality critical to maintain passion.

 

Sex for me is the most important aspect of marriage as it is the ultimate expression of how you value and admire and need each other. It is a celebration, not a "duty," and should be regarded as something extremely precious--never, ever to be allowed to go to waste in one's relationship.

 

 

xoxOE

 

 

God comes first for some of us and if the H is following God's commandments and what he says to do for the wife, then he will come before all those things you listed. If he doesn't, then there is no reason for him to be a priority above any of the mentioned. Respect, honesty, dignity for some of us are the most important aspect.

[NeglectedHusband]

I dont think so...Affair by definition includes dishonesty, deceit, betrayal. We need a new term for this. Opennair ? lol.

 

 

ok, clarify for me. no more physical relationship with your wife ? Isnt that pretty much the case already ? Or are you saying, no more attempts on your part to even touch her as in you will sleep in separate rooms ?

 

I meant to ask you this earlier, did you tell your wife about your affair with that lady ?

 

Yes, the "no more physical relationship" is pretty much the case already - the difference is that I'm not now to attempt to make physical contact whatsoever anymore (I used to try just small things like just caressing her shoulders). So that's no touching at all, no kissing - not even a good night/goodbye type kiss, she wants none of it. Basically no contact, a non-sexual 'just friends' or brother-sister type relationship. Roommates/housemates I guess.

 

We aren't (yet) sleeping in separate rooms, although she has suggested separate beds before. And for the last year or so we might as well have had a real fence done the middle of the bed, because we had an invisible one.

 

Lastly, no I have not told my wife about that lady. It was one single afternoon, with no penetrative sex. For both of us it was just finding out that we individually both still 'worked' and discovering that the problems in our respective relationships wasn't us. If we'd both been crap we would have soon known about it!

It was more about being just held close by someone and feeling someone by you, than the oral/hands/fingers sex.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yeah cuz divorce and the kids living part-time in different homes and seeing new girlfriends/boyfriends parading around causes no pain nor damage

 

it doesn't. I can attest to that.

 

as long as said bfs/gfs aren't delinquent, menace to society types.

 

my kids would be more damaged if they were in a home with me and the X at each other's throats. now they see a happier dad, and I make sure anyone I am with treats my kids well, otherwise they will be shown the door.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Hell yes do it. It will make your wife want you more once she finds out you have been having wild sex with another woman.

Sick. My XH was a cheater and it did NOT turn me onto him more. It caused unbelievable destruction and darkness in our marriage. We weren't having frequency problems until AFTER he started cheating. It totally turned me off.

[Baroness67]

Please talk to your wife.

 

I knew we had "different sex drives" and let it go far too long. I take full responsibility for my part in our marriage problems in that regard. My husband had an A, but I have also apologized to him for not being the wife he obviously needed.

 

There are options other than the affair. Please let your wife know, and don't just tell her "I'm thinking of having an affair" ... I don't think I would have believed it.

 

I would tell her you met a random woman in a bar who came on to you, and you very nearly slept with her, but didn't. Tell your wife you don't remember her name and don't want to, that she was in town for the weekend and lives out of state. This will alleviate your wife's desire to seek out and destroy anyone in particular, but will make the problem visceral for her, and not just theoretical.

 

I was far too complacent for too long even knowing my husband wanted more sex than we had. I only wish he had given me a similar shot in the arm I needed before it turned into the mess it did.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hell yes do it. It will make your wife want you more once she finds out you have been having wild sex with another woman.

 

must be different for women then. only difference between OP's wife and my old situation with xW is that I wanted sex, just didn't get it.

 

Once I found out she was having an affair, I went through a very short period, like a couple of days, of hysterical bonding. We had sex. but it was different for me. I saw her as a tramp, and as such treated her as such in the bed.

 

So you are advising he cheat to get his wife to have sex with him? That is the worst advice I have heard yet.

[johnlucas]

Maybe it's because I'm single, I don't know, but I don't understand how when men get into a relationship or marriage, they lose all sorts of decisiveness.

 

When the situation is clear in front of their faces how they still hem & haw & meander over what can be an easy solution.

 

This woman has REJECTED you. Either she's getting it from somewhere else or she ain't got no more sex drive. Either way she ain't into you.

 

If she DID have a low sex drive & she CARED about this relationship, she would seek medical assistance (it is a medical issue) in order to maintain the union.

Same goes for a man who had erectile difficulties who immediately went out to seek medical aid in order to maintain his union.

 

I believe that when a man or a woman treats the other like this, they are no longer in love with their partner. Simple as that.

Words mean jack"shoot". Actions mean everything.

When someone pushes you away, they are telling you something.

When someone pushes you away repeatedly, they are reading you a thesis!

 

When you get the message, logical follow-through comes afterwards.

Make it clear, make it direct, & make it final.

 

If she doesn't want to be with you anymore, let her go.

Don't play around. Don't give second chances.

Make it final. Make it stick.

 

I think the only reason people really do this is because they are scared they might not be able to find anybody else. A person with options just doesn't act like this. But people can come to find that they aren't as optionless as they think they are.

 

Indecisiveness & lack of clarity in the mind seems to affect married men a LOT. I saw this with those stories of cheating wives & all that. Minds still ambivalent & on the fence with what should be a clear focused stance.

John Lucas

[Billie63]

I rejected my fiance and in my heart I knew it was because I'd fallen out of love. He was fantastic in bed - I was guaranteed orgasms everytime so his technique was blameless, plus he was a wonderful person. He met someone else and had the grace to end our 6 year relationship before making it physical with her. But I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd been unfaithful. I damaged his self esteem hugely.

 

Because it's not just about sex - it's about being wanted, it's about passion, it is about connection.

 

I understand that fully now because karma bit me on the bum. This year I fell for the most wonderful man. And after six months he started rejecting me in bed. It was awful, I was in a total state of apprehension - he wanted to be with me, he was round my house every day and every night but he just wasn't touching me.

 

I had a mature talk with him, offered him a way out, said we could just be friends if he felt the relationship had come to a natural end. He said no - he loved sex with me. I must just say I was and am totally besotted by this man = I did things sexually with him that I couldn't bear to do with anyone else. Ahem.

 

So what did I do? I went and cheated on him one night. With another ex who I knew couldn't get an erection but we played around a bit. And what did I do? I got drunk and told the guy I'm besotted with.

 

It was my way of saying 'See, someone finds me attractive, someone wants me, even if you don't.'

 

Needless to say we are no longer together. In a way, it happened for the best, I could not go back to that state of full time rejection again - it overwhelms you.

 

I do know that I regret cheating on him. It wasn't worth the pain I caused him plus the ramifications since (the two men came to blows). I should have just ended it.

[Spooky84]

Well... do it.. you won't be the first and certainly not the last..

 

I suppose you have already talked to her.. did all the cartwheels in the living room.. everything has been said and done.. and you still have no sex.. it's a lost cause.. your W probably don't love you as a lover anymore or her libido went kapput... who knows..

 

My advice.. if you get a OW... make sure she is looking for the same thing you are.. meaning she won't nag you to leave your family... don't get too attached emotionally... you will be too miserable once you're back home.. just go for the sex and be clear to your OW about this..

 

It might, in fact, be good for your M... you will be happier at home... you won't have to beg your W for sex.. your W will be happier, since you're not nagging for sex anymore.. the kids will be happier to see their parents happy...

 

I like every post you make!

[trisharemore]

If you were to spend as much time wooing your wife as you would trying to cover up an affair you would probably get more out of it.

 

No guilt or shame in loving your wife but there is in cheating.

 

If my husband would have been honest with me 20 years ago, it would have been a blessing.

 

Even though I was very open and willing in that department, what he was really seeking I couldn't help him with. The hole in his heart needed healing and he needed to grow up and develop a strong sense of self.

 

Go find the best therapist possible (make sure they have a PhD).

 

Invest in your relationship-but moreso, invest in yourself-what you are really needing might not be just sex and the deepening of your relationship just might spark some fires within her and you will be much happier with yourself.

 

If all else fails, get a divorce-being cheated on and lied to is worse than if you had died. The pain is immeasurable, please don't cheat.

[on1wheel]

You have got to be kidding??? An affair might be good for the marriage? Only a fool &/or someone that has never had it happen to them would say that. As for the supposed therapist, well it just shows you that anyone with an opinion can be a therapist. After all, a therapist is just someone that gets paid to spout their opinions; however crazy they may be.

Divorce, don't cheat. Cheating is never the answer...regardless of the question.

[on1wheel]

You have got to be kidding??? An affair might be good for the marriage? Only a fool &/or someone that has never had it happen to them would say that. As for the supposed therapist, well it just shows you that anyone with an opinion can be a therapist. After all, a therapist is just someone that gets paid to spout their opinions; however crazy they may be.

Divorce, don't cheat. Cheating is never the answer...regardless of the question.