Wife doesn't like sex...I'm thinking about an affair

[clv0116]

My responses in bold. I can't figure out the multi-quote function.

 

To multiquote wrap the things you want to quote like this:

 

[ QUOTE=eeyore1981;2416494]Quoted[ /quote]

Not quoted

[ QUOTE=eeyore1981;2416494]Quoted[ /quote]

Not quoted

[ QUOTE=eeyore1981;2416494]Quoted[ /quote]

 

 

But remove the leading spaces after the [ that I put in. The word "quote" is the tag verb, the first section after the = sign is the original poster name, and the number after the ; is the OP link number.

[eeyore1981]

But that is not the point. Men who have affairs, are indifferent, lazy, depressed, bad in bed, emotionally distant..... Not the point....

 

The tennis analogy again has been twisted. The one partner still wanting to play tennis, can not understand why the other no longer wants to play. Nothing has changed, the games are still competitive, the two have improved over the years, they work up a good sweat and are both satisfied after the game.

 

So one now harbours resentment, the other not knowing, that even though the games are good, he/she hasn't been employing enough drop shots, spins, lobs or approaching the net enough to "truly" satisfy the other;). That partner hasn't suggested lessons, bought a book or video to watch and just decided to give up on tennis.

 

Anyone remember Seinfeld and the move that involved a swirl????? Putty showed Jerry the move, who explained it to George and comedy ensued.... I sort of think this is much like that....

 

We are not mind readers..........

 

I did tell, but he was so stuck on I was withholding he didn't hear a word I said. I also suggested and tried to implement several compromises, but he was too stuck on having it all his way, and refused to give an inch. I'm not talking a few months, this went on for years.

 

I'm not just going on my own personal experience. Years before the affair, I joined a marriage group. H was the problem, yet did NOTHING to fix it. I put my problem out there, and asked for a solution. I mostly got, "Have sex whether you want to or not." Sure, easy to say, not so easy to implement, because I did have sex when I didn't want to for 2 or 3 years, until I was to the point I felt sexually assaulted. I told the men in there why I lost interest, and did they take it to heart? A lot of them said they did, but here's an example of what they did. One guy, his wife went out of town for a week to visit a friend. He sent her sexy undies to her friend's house every day she was gone. What message do you think she got from that? IMO, once a man gets it into his head his wife is withholding sex from him, he's not going to see it any other way whatsoever. Some women do use sex for control, but my experience has been that is the minority. My experience has also been most men in this situation are more invested in playing the victim than in finding a solution.

 

You say in your tennis analogy 'nothing has changed'. Really? Are you still doing all the loving things towards your wife you were doing when you first got together and sex was plentiful, and for the same reasons? Cause if you aren't, then it seems to me it's very unfair to expect her to maintain the 'high' of a beginning relationship when you aren't. Also, if you do things, not because you love her, but because you want her to have sex with you, that is going to come across loud and clear to her.

Edited October 3, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[eeyore1981]

To multiquote wrap the things you want to quote like this:

 

[ QUOTE=eeyore1981;2416494]Quoted[ /quote]

Not quoted

[ QUOTE=eeyore1981;2416494]Quoted[ /quote]

Not quoted

[ QUOTE=eeyore1981;2416494]Quoted[ /quote]

 

 

But remove the leading spaces after the [ that I put in. The word "quote" is the tag verb, the first section after the = sign is the original poster name, and the number after the ; is the OP link number.

 

Thank you!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I did tell, but he was so stuck on I was withholding he didn't hear a word I said. I also suggested and tried to implement several compromises, but he was too stuck on having it all his way, and refused to give an inch. I'm not talking a few months, this went on for years.

 

I'm not just going on my own personal experience. Years before the affair, I joined a marriage group. H was the problem, yet did NOTHING to fix it. I put my problem out there, and asked for a solution. I mostly got, "Have sex whether you want to or not." Sure, easy to say, not so easy to implement, because I did have sex when I didn't want to for 2 or 3 years, until I was to the point I felt sexually assaulted. I told the men in there why I lost interest, and did they take it to heart? A lot of them said they did, but here's an example of what they did. One guy, his wife went out of town for a week to visit a friend. He sent her sexy undies to her friend's house every day she was gone. What message do you think she got from that? IMO, once a man gets it into his head his wife is withholding sex from him, he's not going to see it any other way whatsoever. Some women do use sex for control, but my experience has been that is the minority. My experience has also been most men in this situation are more invested in playing the victim than actually finding a solution.

 

You say in your tennis analogy 'nothing has changed'. Really? Are you still doing all the loving things towards your wife you were doing when you first got together and sex was plentiful, and for the same reasons? Cause if you aren't, then it seems to me it's very unfair to expect her to maintain the 'high' of a beginning relationship when you aren't. Also, if you do things, not because you love her, but because you want her to have sex with you, that is going to come across loud and clear to her.

 

But this has nothing to do with it. You were absolutely right in your decisions and probably waited too long..... Again this has nothing to do with me or my situation.... I just had some fun with a tennis analogy, which to me is pretty darn close, except in your case you told him his ground strokes sucked and you wanted him to clean the courts of leaves prior to playing:D....

[eeyore1981]

But this has nothing to do with it. You were absolutely right in your decisions and probably waited too long..... Again this has nothing to do with me or my situation.... I just had some fun with a tennis analogy, which to me is pretty darn close, except in your case you told him his ground strokes sucked and you wanted him to clean the courts of leaves prior to playing:D....

 

LOL, yeah, and mostly, how come the only time you acknowledge my existance is when you want to play tennis?

[giotto]

dynamics in marriages change with time. Partners change and become different people. People fall out of love, for whatever reason and for reasons they often don't even comprehend. This is all fine. As a man, what I object to is my wife not telling me the truth, hiding the reason - if known - not communicating, brushing everything under the carpet, rejecting me without a motive or an explanation. Sure, I don't think my wife even knew why, as she was dealing with her own issues, but personally I would have preferred the brutal truth. "Honey, I've gone off you, I don't know why, but I don't feel like sex with you anymore, or maybe once a month, if you are lucky". Without the knowledge and the knowing, we are stuck in no man's land and we are frustrated because we can't be in control of our lives. Regardless of whether the reasons are known or not, honesty must be number one. Unfortunately, many women get comfy in family life and choose to pretend that everything is fine, only to slam the door in our face when we try to have a physical connection with the woman we married and we love...

[his puppet]

I agree with Angel1111!!!! Why do women withhold sex from their spouse and expect them never to cheat? That's what happened in my affair...sort of. My AP's wife thinks sex is gross. They had it 4-6 times A YEAR!!! He tells her he wants it more often and asks her to talk to her doctor to see why her libido is so low. She doesn't. He is then presented with an "offer" from someone at work and acts upon it. Then she's pissed because he had an affair! HELLO!!!! He's been telling you for years he wanted more! Now he's sleeping with me. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying don't expect your husband to live in a sexless marriage. It's not fair.

[Scrivdog]

I just saw this thread. Absolutely fantastic the way it cuts to the heart of the matter: Husband gets no sex from the wife and in desperation wants to get that feeling from another.

 

It's just not that complicated. Men are not that complicated. A wife who will not have sex wth her husband is sending a loud and clear message that says "I don't love you anymore". Period. Do this and you're starting the countown timer to the divorce or the affair or both.

 

Some of the women have the audacity to blame the husbands for not telling them that they were about to bonk their OW for the first time. Even after the guy spent years clearly and explaining the exact problem.

 

Hookers just don't cut it because they're in it for the money only. I enjoy a woman who wants me as much as I want her. I'll give you an example: I go pick up my OW to go on a date out on the town including a great restaurant and a top notch club afterwards. I get there and she makes me cancel because she would rather spend the night having sex. That and the unsolicited backrubs. You can't get that from a hooker, and for many, you can't get that from the wife, either.

 

Bottom line is that it's ridiculously easy to keep the husband happy. Most women simply choose not to do so. Those women should not expect their husbands to be faithful.

 

And as to telling a guy not to have the affair because of what it may cost - let me say this: Every month you're living in married sexual deprivation is time gone. Live like that for the next ten years, while your youth wanes and tell me that you have not given upsomething of infinite value: life you can never get back.

[OldEurope]

One thing I think it is important for women to keep in mind is that the Husband--not the children, not the chores, not the PTA--the husband has to come first. It is by far the most sensitive relationship--one based on attraction--versus that with the children, which is an automatic bond. Although I rarely agree with Lizzy, she is right when she says that too many marriages become brother-sister, college-roomate type relationships. This is the result of way too much routine and taking-for-granted killing off the necessary intrigue and sensuality critical to maintain passion.

 

Sex for me is the most important aspect of marriage as it is the ultimate expression of how you value and admire and need each other. It is a celebration, not a "duty," and should be regarded as something extremely precious--never, ever to be allowed to go to waste in one's relationship.

 

 

xoxOE

[Dexter Morgan]

I just saw this thread. Absolutely fantastic the way it cuts to the heart of the matter: Husband gets no sex from the wife and in desperation wants to get that feeling from another.

 

It's just not that complicated. Men are not that complicated. A wife who will not have sex wth her husband is sending a loud and clear message that says "I don't love you anymore". Period. Do this and you're starting the countown timer to the divorce or the affair or both.

 

Some of the women have the audacity to blame the husbands for not telling them that they were about to bonk their OW for the first time. Even after the guy spent years clearly and explaining the exact problem.

 

Hookers just don't cut it because they're in it for the money only. I enjoy a woman who wants me as much as I want her. I'll give you an example: I go pick up my OW to go on a date out on the town including a great restaurant and a top notch club afterwards. I get there and she makes me cancel because she would rather spend the night having sex. That and the unsolicited backrubs. You can't get that from a hooker, and for many, you can't get that from the wife, either.

 

Bottom line is that it's ridiculously easy to keep the husband happy. Most women simply choose not to do so. Those women should not expect their husbands to be faithful.

 

And as to telling a guy not to have the affair because of what it may cost - let me say this: Every month you're living in married sexual deprivation is time gone. Live like that for the next ten years, while your youth wanes and tell me that you have not given upsomething of infinite value: life you can never get back.

 

Scriv, why haven't you divorced your wife yet? Or in your absence from LS, did you?

[NowhereToHide]

One thing I think it is important for women to keep in mind is that the Husband--not the children, not the chores, not the PTA--the husband has to come first. It is by far the most sensitive relationship--one based on attraction--versus that with the children, which is an automatic bond. Although I rarely agree with Lizzy, she is right when she says that too many marriages become brother-sister, college-roomate type relationships. This is the result of way too much routine and taking-for-granted killing off the necessary intrigue and sensuality critical to maintain passion.

 

Sex for me is the most important aspect of marriage as it is the ultimate expression of how you value and admire and need each other. It is a celebration, not a "duty," and should be regarded as something extremely precious--never, ever to be allowed to go to waste in one's relationship.

 

 

xoxOE

 

 

This angers me on so many levels I can't even see straight.

 

All of this bull**** that is being written about how the "wife needs to cater to the needs of her husband or else -- look out ladies! He's going to cheat! And if he does it's your fault!".

 

What the **** ever happened to marriages being made up of equals. YES, I need to pay attention to my H... give him the support, the love, and yes, the sex he needs. But he also needs to do the same for me. I need love, validation, adoration, and, yes, lots of sex. It works both ways, people.

 

The H is not the most important person in the equation. Neither is the wife. Marriage is a *****load of work for both people. It's hard to stay focused on what's important through all of the crap we need to wade through everyday like bills, responsibilities, work, etc.

 

All this does is create villians and victims. And in that scenario nobody wins.

[giotto]

And in that scenario nobody wins.

 

 

nah, the husband wins!

[NeglectedHusband]

Hi All,

 

Just found this forum after searching the web about my situation.

 

I see that many here are just immediately saying "no he mustn't have an affair!"

 

What would you all make of my dilemma? I'll try to be brief:

 

Married now for over 22 years, both mid to late 40s, been together for 26, one child 16. Sex was always good (or so I thought - she never said it wasn't and she often initiated it) and while I might have liked more I never pushed her for it. I've always been a good husband - not my opinion, her friends tell her that. I've no real hobbies and spend all my non-work time at home - I never go to or watch sport, don't gamble, don't drink, don't go fishing and I always have done all she asks and I've always put her first.

 

Nearly 11 years ago she had to care for her mother after her Dad passed away. I had no problem with this and helped a lot. Obviously this had an effect on our marriage but we seemed to manage and seemed to still keep up regular physical contact. Looking back I guess there were some warning signs, as about 10 years ago she went off oral sex either way and told me that if I wanted it, or wanted to do it I should "find it somewhere else". Of course I just respected her decision. As time went on our sex life started to decline, but as we had other issues in our life (I was hospitalized for a while, later I lost my parents) it just seemed like a temporary slow-down on both sides and I didn't push things.

 

Then about 3 years ago things started getting really bad. I was lucky if we'd have sex every 3 months, but even if we did she'd just finish as soon as she was 'satisfied' and that was it, nothing for me. Once or twice she did say that "maybe you should find someone else", but I just ignored it. I didn't rock the boat as I knew she was tired with everything we'd had to deal with.

 

The last 2 years have been terrible and I would have been really pleased to even get it every three months. In this time she became very resistant to me. She'd push me away, reject my kisses and cuddles. I tried and tried to talk to her but she'd just just tell me that she was just tired and there was nothing wrong.

 

I gave into temptation about a year ago, I met a woman on the internet in the same position - she'd not had sex for 4 years and her partner even slept in another room. We spent an afternoon together and ended up in bed. We didn't have intercourse, we just did stuff with our hands and mouths. I hate to say it but it was the best sex I'd ever had even though we didn't go all the way. After that I knew the problem definitely wasn't me, and due to changes at work we've not met since and we've lost contact.

 

In the last 6 months things have been dire with my wife. If I tried to touch her she'd actually push me away so hard that it hurt and she'd even tell me to "get off me". Any physical contact became very difficult and she even rejects goodbye or good night kisses. Again I tried to talk to her, but she'd just get mad and angry and wouldn't talk to me. I even told her that she was acting as if I was a leper. a rapist or a sex attacker!

 

I spent all this summer trying to talk to her but she just wouldn't open up, even though I was telling her that if we didn't talk we'd end up divorced. I told her I wasn't a mind reader but that didn't help. She did say that she still loves me, and I even offered her a divorce but she said no. She did try to make an effort though, although the one time we tried sex it just ended up like before - she'd pull away before we'd hardly started. I tried just leaving things to a simple cuddle. She couldn't even stand that and told me that "maybe you should find someone else for sex".

 

As you can imagine my self esteem has disappeared over the last few years and I've blamed myself for everything that seemed to be going wrong in our relationship, it's all been depressing. I've kept trying to get her to talk and the nearest I got until now was for her to say she "had no feelings for me".

 

This weekend I just wanted an answer from her, and after a talk that was half argument at last I got it. After 22 years of marriage she told me that she had "never liked sex", and that she's "never enjoyed it". To finish things off she made it plain that she does not want sex anymore, she can't cope with me "pestering her" even though I don't think I've done that for probably at least 5 years. She just wants me to "love her for her mind, not her body". I did tell her that I still wanted sex though, that I still had needs. Unfortunately our teen wondered what all the raised voices were for and that was the end of the discussion without that last point being discussed.

 

Reluctantly I've agreed that we'll not have a physical relationship anymore. What's the point? She says she doesn't want to get divorced and neither do I. Obviously

 

As you can imagine my feelings are all over the place. On the one hand I'm happy that she's been honest at last and it's like a weight off my shoulders, but on the other I still want sex and I know I won't be getting it from my wife. I really do love my wife and of course it hurts like mad knowing that I can't touch her anymore.

 

I just wished she'd been more straight with me - maybe she had been, she'd told me quite a few times to get it elsewhere but I just didn't take her seriously, but now?

 

It seems my only option is to tell her that I'm going to have to do what she'd been telling me to do - find it elsewhere and finally take some time out for myself.

 

Looking back maybe I've been too compliant. Will finding a sex buddy suddenly make her wake up and realize that I am worth keeping?

 

Comments? Opinions? I'm listening. Thanks.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Yes we all understand life is harsh, not simple and hard work. Families, work, home..... All get in the way. But when it comes to sex are we talking a mind blowing, all day, spiritual affair???

 

Am I (and all those who say that on average sex in usually less then 30 minutes) doing something terribly wrong?

 

I know many here on LS trumpet their marathon lovemaking/multiple orgasmic sessions, but on average it is a fairly quick process......

 

I know people will question me or say I'm doing it wrong, but setting aside 1.5 hours per week, does not seem a huge issue. And yes my spouse does have an orgasm 95% of the time.... Not bragging, heck I don't take too much credit for it in any way, just stating a fact....

 

BTW I put in 168 hours of foreplay before actual sex.....

 

This angers me on so many levels I can't even see straight.

 

All of this bull**** that is being written about how the "wife needs to cater to the needs of her husband or else -- look out ladies! He's going to cheat! And if he does it's your fault!".

 

What the **** ever happened to marriages being made up of equals. YES, I need to pay attention to my H... give him the support, the love, and yes, the sex he needs. But he also needs to do the same for me. I need love, validation, adoration, and, yes, lots of sex. It works both ways, people.

 

The H is not the most important person in the equation. Neither is the wife. Marriage is a *****load of work for both people. It's hard to stay focused on what's important through all of the crap we need to wade through everyday like bills, responsibilities, work, etc.

 

All this does is create villians and victims. And in that scenario nobody wins.

Edited October 26, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Scrivdog]

NeglectedHusband,

 

I think I've rarely seen such a clearly justified case for an affair as this one. Hell - you wife is even begging you to get some outside so she doesn't have to deal with it.

 

If you really don't want to get divorced, then get a woman on the side. If your wife objects - then you should post her objections here on this board. We could sure use the laugh.

 

I wouldn't even think twice about this one.

[Scrivdog]

You completely misrepresented what she said. Read it again more slowly this time, mmmkay?

 

This angers me on so many levels I can't even see straight.

 

All of this bull**** that is being written about how the "wife needs to cater to the needs of her husband or else -- look out ladies! He's going to cheat! And if he does it's your fault!".

 

What the **** ever happened to marriages being made up of equals. YES, I need to pay attention to my H... give him the support, the love, and yes, the sex he needs. But he also needs to do the same for me. I need love, validation, adoration, and, yes, lots of sex. It works both ways, people.

 

The H is not the most important person in the equation. Neither is the wife. Marriage is a *****load of work for both people. It's hard to stay focused on what's important through all of the crap we need to wade through everyday like bills, responsibilities, work, etc.

 

All this does is create villians and victims. And in that scenario nobody wins.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

There are questions and issues that need clarification and discussion.

 

Sounds like a sad situation and that she is not being honest with you.....

 

 

 

Hi All,

 

Just found this forum after searching the web about my situation.

 

I see that many here are just immediately saying "no he mustn't have an affair!"

 

What would you all make of my dilemma? I'll try to be brief:

 

Married now for over 22 years, both mid to late 40s, been together for 26, one child 16. Sex was always good (or so I thought - she never said it wasn't and she often initiated it) and while I might have liked more I never pushed her for it. I've always been a good husband - not my opinion, her friends tell her that. I've no real hobbies and spend all my non-work time at home - I never go to or watch sport, don't gamble, don't drink, don't go fishing and I always have done all she asks and I've always put her first.

 

Nearly 11 years ago she had to care for her mother after her Dad passed away. I had no problem with this and helped a lot. Obviously this had an effect on our marriage but we seemed to manage and seemed to still keep up regular physical contact. Looking back I guess there were some warning signs, as about 10 years ago she went off oral sex either way and told me that if I wanted it, or wanted to do it I should "find it somewhere else". Of course I just respected her decision. As time went on our sex life started to decline, but as we had other issues in our life (I was hospitalized for a while, later I lost my parents) it just seemed like a temporary slow-down on both sides and I didn't push things.

 

Then about 3 years ago things started getting really bad. I was lucky if we'd have sex every 3 months, but even if we did she'd just finish as soon as she was 'satisfied' and that was it, nothing for me. Once or twice she did say that "maybe you should find someone else", but I just ignored it. I didn't rock the boat as I knew she was tired with everything we'd had to deal with.

 

The last 2 years have been terrible and I would have been really pleased to even get it every three months. In this time she became very resistant to me. She'd push me away, reject my kisses and cuddles. I tried and tried to talk to her but she'd just just tell me that she was just tired and there was nothing wrong.

 

I gave into temptation about a year ago, I met a woman on the internet in the same position - she'd not had sex for 4 years and her partner even slept in another room. We spent an afternoon together and ended up in bed. We didn't have intercourse, we just did stuff with our hands and mouths. I hate to say it but it was the best sex I'd ever had even though we didn't go all the way. After that I knew the problem definitely wasn't me, and due to changes at work we've not met since and we've lost contact.

 

In the last 6 months things have been dire with my wife. If I tried to touch her she'd actually push me away so hard that it hurt and she'd even tell me to "get off me". Any physical contact became very difficult and she even rejects goodbye or good night kisses. Again I tried to talk to her, but she'd just get mad and angry and wouldn't talk to me. I even told her that she was acting as if I was a leper. a rapist or a sex attacker!

 

I spent all this summer trying to talk to her but she just wouldn't open up, even though I was telling her that if we didn't talk we'd end up divorced. I told her I wasn't a mind reader but that didn't help. She did say that she still loves me, and I even offered her a divorce but she said no. She did try to make an effort though, although the one time we tried sex it just ended up like before - she'd pull away before we'd hardly started. I tried just leaving things to a simple cuddle. She couldn't even stand that and told me that "maybe you should find someone else for sex".

 

As you can imagine my self esteem has disappeared over the last few years and I've blamed myself for everything that seemed to be going wrong in our relationship, it's all been depressing. I've kept trying to get her to talk and the nearest I got until now was for her to say she "had no feelings for me".

 

This weekend I just wanted an answer from her, and after a talk that was half argument at last I got it. After 22 years of marriage she told me that she had "never liked sex", and that she's "never enjoyed it". To finish things off she made it plain that she does not want sex anymore, she can't cope with me "pestering her" even though I don't think I've done that for probably at least 5 years. She just wants me to "love her for her mind, not her body". I did tell her that I still wanted sex though, that I still had needs. Unfortunately our teen wondered what all the raised voices were for and that was the end of the discussion without that last point being discussed.

 

Reluctantly I've agreed that we'll not have a physical relationship anymore. What's the point? She says she doesn't want to get divorced and neither do I. Obviously

 

As you can imagine my feelings are all over the place. On the one hand I'm happy that she's been honest at last and it's like a weight off my shoulders, but on the other I still want sex and I know I won't be getting it from my wife. I really do love my wife and of course it hurts like mad knowing that I can't touch her anymore.

 

I just wished she'd been more straight with me - maybe she had been, she'd told me quite a few times to get it elsewhere but I just didn't take her seriously, but now?

 

It seems my only option is to tell her that I'm going to have to do what she'd been telling me to do - find it elsewhere and finally take some time out for myself.

 

Looking back maybe I've been too compliant. Will finding a sex buddy suddenly make her wake up and realize that I am worth keeping?

 

Comments? Opinions? I'm listening. Thanks.

[broken hearted]

DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR! You have no idea the kind of damage and pain it will cause your wife and children if you have them! If you want to have sex with someone else, end the marriage first but only after every attempt to communicate your feelings to your wife and work through it!

[confusedinkansas]

Neglected Husband - This is IMO one of those reasons/exceptions to the rule.

Yes, I would think this is reason enough to have an affair.

 

She's given you permission, neither one of you wants a divorce, she doesn't like sex anyway - So go ahead! Seems every party is in agreement. So, go find some excitement. (Just be careful, if you go & fall in love with someone, trouble could be a-brewin')

 

Most here would say to divorce her before seeking out someone else, but I don't agree. I think this is the exception to the affair rule. (If there is one)

 

We might as well answer these posts - Looks to me that the original poster here disappeared!

[Scrivdog]

Yeah cuz divorce and the kids living part-time in different homes and seeing new girlfriends/boyfriends parading around causes no pain nor damage

 

DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR! You have no idea the kind of damage and pain it will cause your wife and children if you have them! If you want to have sex with someone else, end the marriage first but only after every attempt to communicate your feelings to your wife and work through it!

[ADF]

Actually, I would tell your wife exactly what you're thinking about. Denying someone a sex life is cruel. It is doubly cruel for her to deny you sex AND object to your getting it elsewhere. You need to lay your cards on the table. Maybe then she'll take this problem seriously.

[65tr6]

Looking back maybe I've been too compliant. Will finding a sex buddy suddenly make her wake up and realize that I am worth keeping?

 

Comments? Opinions? I'm listening. Thanks.

 

I have to admit. You made a very compelling case for having an affair !

 

The worst thing about an affair is the betrayal and the deceit not to mention the constant lying that waywards indulge in during and after the affair. In my opinion that is one of the worst abuses you can subject a spouse to. Don't do it.

 

However, if your wife says on her own that it is ok for you to go outside the marriage for sex, I don't see why not ? Why call it an affair, isn't that more like opening up your relationship ? I would say be honest with your wife on what you want to do, what she wants to know.

 

What coud happen ?

 

1) your "affair" may be the wake up call for your wife...she will want to work with you on the marriage

2) she may want to divorce you..that's what you wanted anyway, right ?

3) she is happy and you are happy in your new relationship....you/your partner may eventually fall in love with each other. What do you do then ?

4) You contract an STD and risk exposing it to your wife...will need to exercise precautions

Edited October 26, 2009 by 65tr6

[NowhereToHide]

You completely misrepresented what she said. Read it again more slowly this time, mmmkay?

 

Gee, your condescending is impressive.. even through a message board.

 

I did read what she wrote. And I did get what she said...

 

One thing I think it is important for women to keep in mind is that the Husband--not the children, not the chores, not the PTA--the husband has to come first. It is by far the most sensitive relationship--one based on attraction--versus that with the children, which is an automatic bond.

 

She is saying that WOMEN need to put the HUSBAND first. I don't give a crap what her reasons were. I was responding to that statement which was the crux of her argument. And I still believe it's 1960's bull**** programming that suggests that we women need to cater to our men or else it's their right to go whoring around with other women.

 

I have an awesome sex life with my husband -- neither one of us has any complaints. But is it because I'm putting him above my children and my other responsibilities? No. It's because, A) we both have high sex drives, and B) we make time for each other in our busy schedules.

[JamesM]

She is saying that WOMEN need to put the HUSBAND first. I don't give a crap what her reasons were. I was responding to that statement which was the crux of her argument. And I still believe it's 1960's bull**** programming that suggests that we women need to cater to our men or else it's their right to go whoring around with other women.

 

 

I don't think that it gives men a RIGHT to have sex elsewhere, but I think women need to realize that this can be a result of neglecting an important part of marriage.

 

However, before you shoot me, the reverse is also necessary in a marriage. The HUSBAND must put his wife first before his other responsibilities. Many times when a husband neglects this simple task, then aspects of the relationship with his wife suffers...and yes this can result in him not "getting" sex.

 

Men cannot "sit back and say service me" while forgetting to be an emotional helpmeet for their wives. Women cannot sit back and say "meet my emotional needs" and forget to meet the sexual desires of their husbands. It is a two way street.

 

Too often these days both partners simply say "when you meet my needs, then I will meet your needs." As a result, no one's needs are met, and another divorce occurs.

[NeglectedHusband]

Just a quick reply to some your comments/questions:

 

I don't want a divorce and neither does she. Not now anyway. I've spent all summer telling her though that if we don't change things that's where we'll end up. So I guess it doesn't make much difference anyway, we may end up there by doing nothing.

 

I'm unlikely to pass on an STD to my wife - except for when we were trying for our child she's never been on the pill and I've always had to use a condom.

 

I guess it's not right to call it an affair if she's giving permission?

 

And yes I was going to tell her - I've reluctantly agreed to what she wants - no physical relationship, so I feel it's my right to say what I want. I've told her I still want sex, so if she's not going to give it too me how else will I get it?

 

I honestly can't see things being much worse than they already are, I feel like I've been to hell.