A really tough long distance relationship... please help!

[Eric]

I am not sure where to start here. i will try not to make this too long. i really need help though. Background: I am in a relationship with a girl who currently lives in houston. I live in dallas. that is 300 miles and 4 hours by drive. I met her off of the internet about a year and a half ago. For over a year now, we have been together in a serious relationship. We decided to take it on because we really liked eachother and had plans of her moving up here for college this fall (fall 00). Well, that's all good since she is set to move here this fall. Over the past year with eachother, we have fought a lot over many petty things like me being lazy and not writing her enough email and me not showing her enough attention. She is the type of girl who thrives off the "little things"...and quite frankly, i'm not good at that. In my opinion, i think i am doing just fine. But a fight is a fight. And fights over time don't make you feel too well. And so on and off for a long time now, i don't really feel the same as i used to for her. I really and truely love her...she is so caring and loving of me for who i am. She is my first girlfriend and i'm really scared that if i give her up, i'll never find anyone who loves me like she does. Next problem, small things that i have been able to overlook and "compromise" on are getting to me. She doesn't like many of the things in life that i have passions for. Pizza, rollercoasters/theme parks, cars! (i love cars and she gets mad about how much more attention they receive sometimes), and a few other small things...and she's a very picky eater. not exactly the funnest person to take out on a date. i have been able to compromise for a long time, but when i think that i could be with another girl who could love those things with me...i wish i were. Another piece of useful info...i have never gone out with any other girl in my life. ever. am i missing out on some things? she on the otherhand has had about 20 boyfriends before me and despite being serious with me, has gone out on "casual" dates with 4 different guys that have turned somewhat serious afterwards. she ended up kissing them and telling me we should date other people right now. let me tell you...i didn't feel great each time she told me and i got good at seeing it coming after a couple times. not too long after, we get serious again and it's all back to square one. not once have i ever gone off with another girl! this has really been a problem for me. so here is where i stand. we are currently "friends" for now after a huge fight and me taking a stand saying i just don't know what i want right now. but the pressure is on me. she tells me that once she gets over me, we might never have the chance again...even with her moving here. i do not want to be pressured into something i am not sure of. this is so hard for me! she is really hurting and i am VERY confused. i love her and think i want to be with her but there is no way for me to be sure. she wants to get married in 2 or 3 years. i feel pressured and scared by it. very very with all the troubles right now. we once were planning on a future but with all my uncertainty about what i should do...and because of our different relationship backgrounds, we are just hurting eachother right now. I am scared of losing her and not finding someone who loves me like she does. But i'm even more scared of getting back into this and being confused and stuck...again!...just like i was before...wondering if this is really where i belong. i just want to lock myself in a room and be alone. PLEASE HELP! sorry this was so long

 

eric

[Ninja Extraordinare]

I am not sure where to start here. i will try not to make this too long. i really need help though. Background: I am in a relationship with a girl who currently lives in houston. I live in dallas. that is 300 miles and 4 hours by drive. I met her off of the internet about a year and a half ago. For over a year now, we have been together in a serious relationship. We decided to take it on because we really liked eachother and had plans of her moving up here for college this fall (fall 00). Well, that's all good since she is set to move here this fall. Over the past year with eachother, we have fought a lot over many petty things like me being lazy and not writing her enough email and me not showing her enough attention. She is the type of girl who thrives off the "little things"...and quite frankly, i'm not good at that. In my opinion, i think i am doing just fine. But a fight is a fight. And fights over time don't make you feel too well. And so on and off for a long time now, i don't really feel the same as i used to for her. I really and truely love her...she is so caring and loving of me for who i am. She is my first girlfriend and i'm really scared that if i give her up, i'll never find anyone who loves me like she does. Next problem, small things that i have been able to overlook and "compromise" on are getting to me. She doesn't like many of the things in life that i have passions for. Pizza, rollercoasters/theme parks, cars! (i love cars and she gets mad about how much more attention they receive sometimes), and a few other small things...and she's a very picky eater. not exactly the funnest person to take out on a date. i have been able to compromise for a long time, but when i think that i could be with another girl who could love those things with me...i wish i were. Another piece of useful info...i have never gone out with any other girl in my life. ever. am i missing out on some things? she on the otherhand has had about 20 boyfriends before me and despite being serious with me, has gone out on "casual" dates with 4 different guys that have turned somewhat serious afterwards. she ended up kissing them and telling me we should date other people right now. let me tell you...i didn't feel great each time she told me and i got good at seeing it coming after a couple times. not too long after, we get serious again and it's all back to square one. not once have i ever gone off with another girl! this has really been a problem for me. so here is where i stand. we are currently "friends" for now after a huge fight and me taking a stand saying i just don't know what i want right now. but the pressure is on me. she tells me that once she gets over me, we might never have the chance again...even with her moving here. i do not want to be pressured into something i am not sure of. this is so hard for me! she is really hurting and i am VERY confused. i love her and think i want to be with her but there is no way for me to be sure. she wants to get married in 2 or 3 years. i feel pressured and scared by it. very very with all the troubles right now. we once were planning on a future but with all my uncertainty about what i should do...and because of our different relationship backgrounds, we are just hurting eachother right now. I am scared of losing her and not finding someone who loves me like she does. But i'm even more scared of getting back into this and being confused and stuck...again!...just like i was before...wondering if this is really where i belong. i just want to lock myself in a room and be alone. PLEASE HELP! sorry this was so long eric

Hey Eric, first of all don't feel like you did anything wrong. Because you haven't. From the sounds of it, you have bent over backwards for this girl. It looks like you have pretty much have had to compromise everything you like just so she would be happy. To me, that's not a relationship. If you are having to do stuff to make her happy and doing it DOESN'T make you happy, then honestly, what's the point? Don't be afraid to say goodbye because you think that no one will ever feel that way for you again. Too add to it, you said she has already "seen" 4 other guys while you guys were still serious, and you haven't wandered off once.

 

If I were you (Mind you, this is advice ) I would just try to be friends with her. But if you find it too hard in the begining and you both end up fighting about things in the past....tell her that you can't do this anymore. Go out and meet new people and have fun. I know it hurts and all this sound SOOO much easier said then done, but I hate to say it, this is not the last time things like this will happen to you..or me...or the rest of the 6 billion people living on this planet. Try to let go of the things she has done or said to you that made you hurt inside. Because if she is saying thing that she knows will hurt you, then she doesn't deserve you man.

 

Don't feel bad man. Everything comes to and end at one point. Even life. So keep your head high and keep a smile on your face and just enjoy what comes your way. Remember the way she made you feel and be thankful for it. Don't concentrate on what tore you apart.

 

Well, Umm..I hope this helps in some small way dude. I hope things work out for the better. And if you ever want to listen to some good music that makes you feel like your not alone, go out and get a Ben Harper CD. His music is like food for the heart man....Good luck.

 

P.S.......Someone is out there that will see you for who you are and when you find her....return the favor

 

Peace, Ninja.

[Eric]

Thank you Ninja. your advice means a lot.

 

Does anyone else agree? or disagree? I need all the help i can get...

 

Thanks.

 

eric

[Tony T]

There's a better chance I'll find a cure for AIDS by 5 p.m. today than there is for you making it with this chick. She is flighty, immature and, I hate to break this to you, but ladies who are happy with their guy don't go out with others.

 

This girl's a dud. You have given all the reasons why. It would serve no useful purpose for me to spend the time to go into more detail. You already know she is not good for you!!!

 

You will know a quality relationship when you get into one.

 

There hasn't been a vehicle invented yet that will get you away from her as fast as you need to.

 

Move on!!!

[Eric]

Well, i did it. I told her i just want to be friends...that i feel like i'm missing out on parts of life i need to experience if i never date anyone but her...and i told her that i feel like i'm rushing through huge steps in life and it's overwhelming. I just keep thinking about if i made the right decision. Even with several people telling me to let her go...it's so hard. She is so sad and i am too. I want to help her pain. She wants me to just be with her... and says i probably won't find anyone else to date anyways. What do you all think of that statement? Help me read into this. This situation is really hurting me. So much confusion and my mind keeps flip flopping back and forth to yes, i'll be with her, and no...i can't. I told her that i'd like to be just friends and then after she moves up here this summer (3 months or so) that maybe we can date again. Start off with a casual friendly date and take it slow from there. See where things go and how they make us feel. Does anyone think I am doing the right thing? If not, what should i say? She says she hates me for all the pain i'm putting her through. And that i could just make it go away... by getting back with her. I know she doesn't hate me though. I can't hurt her even more by lying to myself and telling her i'll be with her. That...i know is wrong. Regardless of what happens, i will always need her friendship. But she says if we aren't together, she'll need to get over me by blocking me out of her life and not talking to me for quite some time. The thought of that hurts too... I appreciate anyone who can put in a little feedback for me... It really helps me focus my feelings and thoughts instead of staying trapped in the middle of a cloud of confusion. Thank you

 

Eric

[Tony T]

You just don't give up, do you.

 

I was pretty clear in my last post. Now, any lady that tells you that you won't be able to find anyone else to date with her is extremely manipulative, extremely selfish, and considers you very stupid.

 

I know this hurts you. That's just the way it is. But you are not in a happy, loving situation and this episode in your life needs to end.

 

But it seems you just can't get enough punishment so hang in there. You seem to be looking for people to give you a stamp of approval to hang around and get your heart crushed so I will cease from making anymore posts to you in hopes you can get what you really want here.