Marriage blah and now have a crush?!

[SaltLake]

I would really appreciate some good advice. Especially if any of you have gone through something similar and from reading it seems like many of you may have.

 

Here's the situation. I'll be direct but not necessarily short, there's too much info and I'd like to really get some insight.

 

I'm married 5 years and have a 3 year old son we both love. I've known my wife for 8 years. When we started dating I had just come off a horrendous breakup so I am inclined to say that the relationship started off as a rebound, although I have never quite admitted it to myself. My wife is a good person but I feel I am not in love with her. I may never have. We started dating and it progressed with her moving in and then some pressure for marriage. After a while I hesitantly convinced myself the right thing to do was go to the next step and get married. I thought, 'you know, there is no perfect person out there, and this person is a very good kind person that I can share my life with'. Flash 5 years later. We've had some big fights thoughout the 5 years but always somehow settled them (perhaps by ignoring the real issues). We often have the same fight over and over again and we both agree to work on what ever the issue is. Mostly, howeve, its her promising to change. Life has been hohum, I haven't been able to exactly figure out what all the issues are even with a psychlogist and brief anti depressants. I broke out of the mild depression but have yet to feel my old happy self again. I feel like I'm in a huge rut. My wife is not a bad person but we are different in several major ways. I always thought these differences were not a big deal but I am beginning to think they are more important to me than I had thought. The biggest difference is what some may call joie de vive, or that spark, or maybe I can just call it a love of life. I love to explore, have fun, go try new things, go for the gusto. She has no instincts to try anything, although she will always give it the old college try. I find this holds me back as I don't want to drag her into activities she's not into. So I end up losing enthusiasm and standing still. This has lead to a rather boring existence. She would be perfectly happy with me going around and doing just about anything I want but I want a partner there to share the experience. After our child was born we both had a spell of mild depression, and clearly there is a lack of interest and love. I very rarely feel any sparks in the relationship. Worse yet, whenever i hear of people saying how great their wife is, example 'she's a great cook, mom, lover, CEO, etc, I find I have nothing to say about my wife. It seems that I am not proud to be married to her. Almost to the point where I am embarassed that she's my wife. That seems a bit harsh but I always compare how these guys brag about this and that about their wives and am just not proud of mine in anyway. This is very hard to describe and even harder to say without making it sound like I'm a total jerk. but it is how I feel. So I've been saying to myself, this is typical, everyone seems to go through a rough patch (which I think well its been rough the entire time). Someone asked what made me marry her in the first place. And I couldn't think of anything, I think it was just the momentum of the relationship and the expectation of society and the fact that I really had no other options. So maybe you can call that "settling". Please no judgements on that, its done and I have a feeling more people than we think fall into this trap.

 

In any case a real problem occurred recently. I was at a party and I hit it off with a woman very well, I was instantly attracted to her and we seemed to have a connection. We did not get together but I had a feeling we could have. Now I really don't know if this woman was interested in me, it could be that we were just both buzzed and having some fun. But, I not only pictured us together having a romp but much more like us in a long term relationship, married, in love, drinking coffee together in the morning. Its a crush! I have to my knowledge never thought of my wife in this way, as I said I was rebounding when we met and we just fell into a relationship. As I said this woman I met may not even have been really interested but just friendly, but the true problem is that I was capable of having such thoughts about another woman. It could be any woman but its the thoughts that really scare me. Her personality really drew me in, and she seemed to me everything my wife is not. Its not like i just imagined us having sex (I can tell you all guys think about sex with other women all the time, this is normal). I actually envisioned building a whole life with this person. I'm nauseus about it.

 

So here's my question. Did I marry this person for all the wrong reasons and now that I realize I can have real feelings of love, am I on a path to divorce? Or is this a crush that I will get over? I've read about people who love their spouses but have lost it. What about if you think that you never really were "in love" in the first place? Lots of posters have said I love this person but I don't think I'm in love at all. What have people done in this scenario? What happened? Did you leave? Did you stay? Regrets? Mistakes? All real advice would be appreciated.

[Snowflower]

HI Saltlake, welcome to LS.

 

Your feelings about your marriage are not unusual. There are a lot of people that are/have been in a similar situation as you, myself included.

 

All I will say is be careful when you compare your marriage those of other people. This is setting yourself up for failure and a dangerous mindset to fall into. Besides, who can really say what really goes on in someone else's marriage? What appears outwardly to be a great marriage, can be rotten inside. So, don't be too much emphasis on what other people say about their spouses/marriages. It doesn't really matter in your situation-your marriage is uniquely your own and can't/shouldn't be compared to others.

 

Be careful in your dealings with other women, like the one you mentioned at the party. It appears you are especially vulnerable to an affair right now. Please don't do that to your wife, your child, yourself, or even some other woman. Too much hurt is involved for everyone.

 

Only you can decide what you should do about your marriage. If you truly feel your marriage was a mistake then perhaps separate for awhile and both you and you wife decide how you would like to proceed later. Perhaps you did marry for the wrong reasons, but then again maybe you didn't. Relationships and marriages are difficult to navigate and I don't want to see you do anything that you will regret later, i.e. staying together for the wrong reasons, a hasty divorce, or an affair.

 

Be careful, sometimes the love you may have for your spouse lies dormant for a long time, until it is (nearly) too late and bridges have been burned. But then again, sometimes if the love was never there to begin with, it is best to let go. Just be very cautious and take careful steps as you decide-eventually it will be come clear to you about what you should do.

[quankanne]

sounds like because this new woman is interested in what you do, she's become the "face" or solution to your problems in your marriage. Trust me, she's not because there is no way she can live up to the expectations you have of her, even at this stage. Forget about her and focus on what you have now.

 

your spouse loves you, but may not feel the need to spend every waking moment with you. It's nothing personal, mind you, just the way she's wired. She might feel perfectly comfortable with you finding someone to hang out with that has a shared interest in an activity, and you should explore that. It's not the same as her being there, but if you have her blessing to go biking with friends, or fishing, or hunting, do that. Then find something the BOTH of you enjoy doing so that can be your "thing together."

 

after 17 years of marriage, I guarantee that there are things that neither I nor my husband are particularly interested in doing with the other, and the compromise is to invite, but not expect the other person to automatically jump on that invite. It's not a matter of avoiding you, but a matter of knowing what he or she feels comfortable doing with you, or giving the blessing to do this on your own. After awhile, you'll come to appreciate that space. At least this is how it's worked out in our marriage.

 

Someone asked what made me marry her in the first place. And I couldn't think of anything

 

this isn't a good sign, Salty, and I'm now wondering if your wife senses that you don't find anything appealing about her, it's subconsciously affecting her desire to interact with you? Depression aside, this is something you seriously need to delve into, not from the standpoint that everyone else's partner is better than yours "because she is _____," but because you need to find out what it is that's keeping you there.

 

if your marriage was nothing more than something to do at the moment, and you're not willing to do everything possible to help fix the situation (marriage enrichment, etc), maybe it's time to call it a night so that the BOTH of you can find partners who can appreciate and love y'all the way some deserves to be appreciated and loved.

[SaltLake]

Good you pointed out that comparing is dangerous. This is something I subconsciously know, thank you for reminding me. Lots of guys I know say great things about their wives but when I get to know them better and i scratch the surface, there's always some problems. Some big some small. I guess I'm just too damn honest for my own good. i'm never able to say something I don't wholehearted feel.

 

There is one thing I forgot to mention about the current state of the relationship. She's been depressed, (self admitted), she's been very passive in all areas, she let herself go a bit, the house is a small disaster, and she's been snappy with our child. In turn this always puts me on edge, makes me critical, makes me want to opt out. Which only feeds both of our mild depressions and anxieties. When we married she was pretty happy go lucky but now its constant negativity and it really reflects on me as I generally am a happy guy but her mood sucks me into a similar state.

[Snowflower]

There is one thing I forgot to mention about the current state of the relationship. She's been depressed, (self admitted), she's been very passive in all areas, she let herself go a bit, the house is a small disaster, and she's been snappy with our child. In turn this always puts me on edge, makes me critical, makes me want to opt out. Which only feeds both of our mild depressions and anxieties. When we married she was pretty happy go lucky but now its constant negativity and it really reflects on me as I generally am a happy guy but her mood sucks me into a similar state.

 

It's very possible (as quankanne mentioned above) that your wife subconsciously is picking up on how you are feeling about her and your marriage. So, this sends her into a depression, which in turn you pick up on and then it all spirals downward from there.

 

Have you talked to your wife about what you are feeling? Have you asked her what she is feeling? You might discover some similarities. In any case, it is imperative that you talk to your wife about your disillusionment. Please don't let your marriage fail without trying to figure out what is wrong first and attempting to fix it.

[SaltLake]

Oh no, I wasn't quite clear about the doing stuff together. She will do things with me but there is no enthusiam. And I have tried to do things she likes not just things I like. I guess if I really think about it, it has been mostly things I like. But when I try to have her come up with stuff, nothing happens. Maybe she's given up on it because I showed no interest in the few suggestions she has made. To boil it down, I'm a weekend warrior and she's a couch potato. While I can probably find people to do things with me, I miss the sharing of the experience with her. It seems to me she just along for the ride.

 

The second half of what you said is the big question, I really need to be honest with myself. Which is very hard becasue I think I'm in big denial. If there was no kid, repercussion, stigma, etc. i'd probably just amically walk away, hopefully still friends.

[Scottdmw]

I have definitely had the experience before of being in a relationship with a woman that I thought was kind of blah. I would meet some new woman much as you have described and “hit it off”. I would think to myself that she is much better than the woman I'm with. Time would pass and I would break up with the woman I was with. I would then try to go date one of the women that I “hit it off” with. I've done this multiple times and I can tell you that it has never actually worked out with one of the new women. In some cases we dated for a short period but nothing really came of it. What always did eventually end up happening is after it was really too late to go back I would end up missing the woman I was originally with and wishing I hadn't been so stupid as to let the relationship end.

 

These are just strictly dating examples. I would imagine the feelings would be much more intense in a marriage case.

 

Spend some time reading some of the other posts here. You'll find some posts by some people that have had affairs and regret them bitterly. It's one of those things that permanently changes your relationship with your spouse, you can never go back. People talk about spending the rest of their lives trying to regain trust.

 

As far as the idea that your marriage is a mistake, as someone else mentioned only you can decide that in the end. Keep in mind though that it's not just you involved at this point, you have a child too. There are many studies out there that say that children do a lot better when their parents are married to each other.

 

You could divorce your wife, and eventually meet someone else. But, the question is will you really end up happier? Again from my own experience, 2 1/2 years ago I broke up with the woman I was in a long-term relationship with. I was tired of certain things she was doing and I figured I would quickly find someone better. Well, here I am and I still haven't found anyone. It is not always easy to find a new person who really is better, or even as good. You might. Or you might be alone for a couple of years only to end up with someone that is really no better but just has different issues. For some amount of time you will feel very enthusiastic about that relationship because it is new, but it will eventually die down too. No relationship stays at the excitement and butterfly stage forever.

 

I think it's important when you weigh the option of divorce vs staying with your wife you are realistic about it. Do not idealize what life will be like with a different woman. You are not trading your current life for a life of eternal bliss. You would be trading it for a painful period of readjustment, a period of loneliness of uncertain duration, followed hopefully by a possibly marginally better relationship which you would probably also lose enthusiasm for to some extent after a few years.

 

Consider that you would come into a new relationship with baggage, a previous marriage, a custody arrangement, alimony payments, etc. A lot of women would prefer to stay clear of that.

 

Also consider that many people will say very strongly that you yourself are responsible for your happiness. If you are not happy in this relationship maybe you won't be happy with a different relationship either because maybe it’s not the problem at all. I would suggest spending some time trying to work on personal happiness. See a counselor if you believe you may have issues. Try some new things, new activities or whatever. Improve your relationship with God. Include your wife if she is willing, or go off and do some things by yourself, it is okay. You may find your wife gets more enthusiastic if you do things without her couple of times. She might really prefer you do this rather than break up your family.

 

A lot of people say you absolutely can't change your spouse. I don't think this is fully true. You do have some potential to “change” the other person, but only in a slow way and if they are willing. You might take the view of trying to guide your wife in personal growth so that she becomes more of the person that you would like. Give her positive reinforcement when she does something you like. Suggest things you might like her to try. You can't expect that this will definitely happen or assume that she will go along with it, but it is worth trying. I think that in your situation you have a lot of potential to make your current situation better than it is if you're willing to work on it.

 

I wish you the best,

 

Scott

[Thornton]

What I get from your post is that you came out of one relationship and were very hurt and lonely, perhaps you didn't think you would ever find anyone else you could really love, so you took up with your wife despite the lack of an initial spark. You then married her because you thought that she was "good enough" - there was no spark, but you were happy that at least someone wanted to be with you. You rationalised marrying her because she was kind and decent and provided companionship, and you figured that was the best you could expect from a partner. Maybe you were still so hurt from the breakup that you couldn't envisage ever finding someone else who you would love as much as your ex, so you just settled. Yep, that's exactly what it sounds like - you settled.

 

Fast forward several years - you've been arguing a lot and your differences are becoming more apparent. She promises to change but she never does, and you're not happy with the person she currently is - she's not a bad person, but she's not what you wanted in a wife (I'd be willing to bet that your ex was exactly what you wanted in a wife, wasn't she?). As I said: you settled, and now you're beginning to regret it. Perhaps enough time has finally passed for you to be over your ex and to be able to love someone new - and your wife isn't that person, it sounds like she's someone you settled for as second best because you were still grieving over your ex.

 

It doesn't sound like any of this is your wife's fault; she just isn't the type of woman you really want to be with, and if you hadn't been hurt and lonely after a terrible breakup you probably never would have dated and subsequently married her. It's unfair of you to expect her to change herself though - she is who she is, and she's never going to magically morph into that perfect woman that you always wanted to be with. Now you look around and you see other women who are a better fit with what you want in a wife, hence why you feel so discontented with the one you've got.

 

I've been in relationships where I felt like we didn't fit, and I found that the more I looked around at other people the more discontented I became with the person I was in a relationship with, until I reached the point where I simply couldn't continue in the relationship because I couldn't envisage the rest of my life with this particular person. I thought about all the things I wanted in a partner, and I imagined being stuck with my current partner for the rest of my life and never having the partner I wanted, never having that connection, and I knew I had to end the relationship.

 

My advice is to stop expecting your wife to change and decide whether you can accept her as she is, or whether you want to end the relationship and look for someone who is a better fit. Can you live with knowing that your current relationship is the best you'll ever have - are you happy with it or do you want more? From the way you speak about your wife, it doesn't sound like you're really happy with her - you're having feelings for someone else that you don't have (never had?) for your wife, which doesn't bode well for your marriage.

[Thornton]

If there was no kid, repercussion, stigma, etc. i'd probably just amically walk away, hopefully still friends.

 

This says it all.

 

 

Consider that you would come into a new relationship with baggage, a previous marriage, a custody arrangement, alimony payments, etc. A lot of women would prefer to stay clear of that.

 

This is also a very important point. Do you think that the type of women you want to date would be interested in you, given that you would be divorced with a child? Would it be harder to find the type of relationship you want because of that?

[SaltLake]

Unbelievably I think your observation hit it right on the head, especially the part about my ex. I am in shock that you were able to do that from the relatively short description.

 

So all I have to do is really figure out what it is that I want to live with. Thank you for this post, while things are never black and white you've cut to it and its as black and white as it will ever get.

[SaltLake]

This says it all.

 

 

 

 

This is also a very important point. Do you think that the type of women you want to date would be interested in you, given that you would be divorced with a child? Would it be harder to find the type of relationship you want because of that?

 

I hear you on that, I think the women that I'm attracted to would not have a huge problem withe my baggage. Then again it won't be easy that's for sure. But are you saying that if I weren't able to find someone new, it would be better to stick with what I have now? Seems awefully practical?

[pkn06002]

Try this book it is a good read for someone in a situation like you find yourself in now.

 

http://www.amazon.com/Imperfect-Harmony-Married-Children-Still/dp/031228974X

[Thornton]

I hear you on that, I think the women that I'm attracted to would not have a huge problem withe my baggage. Then again it won't be easy that's for sure. But are you saying that if I weren't able to find someone new, it would be better to stick with what I have now? Seems awefully practical?

 

No, I'm not saying you should necessarily stick with what you have just because you might not find someone else. What I'm saying is that you're obviously going to want to be in some sort of relationship, and you need to think carefully about whether you might be exchanging one set of problems for another. You may end up in another equally mediocre relationship, but with the added hassle of alimony and weekend parenting etc. Is your relationship with your wife is really so bad, and do you genuinely think you would be significantly happier with someone else, given the additional issues you would have to deal with? Do you genuinely think you can find someone else who could make you happier, or are your expectations too high? For many people the answer is still yes, they want out, and they feel they can deal with the issues and find a partner who they'd be happier with and who would be accepting of the situation. It's just something you need to think about, is all.

 

As for hitting the nail on the head - well, sadly I've been in similar situations so I know how it works. You break up with someone you're crazy about, you're lonely and hurt, so you settle for someone who offers companionship and makes you feel wanted, even if they're not really what you want in a partner and they don't match up to your ex. You figure that at least someone wants you, even if your ex doesn't, and you feel a bit better about the breakup. Maybe you don't have any expectation of ever being able to find someone as wonderful as your ex, so you figure you should just settle for someone good enough while you have the chance. Then one day you wake up and you feel healed from your terrible breakup - if it was a bad breakup this can happen years later - and you no longer need the second-best band-aid boyfriend who was taking the pain away and making you feel wanted and loved. You finally feel ready to meet someone new - but oops, in the meantime you had a long-term relationship with Mr Band-Aid BF, maybe got married and had kids, which leaves you in a bit of a sticky situation. Sadly I know all about that situation, although I didn't have any kids and I was able to walk away.

[Thornton]

I should add that in my case I always thought my bfs were good enough, but my ex was better... I would often wish I'd never met him, because then I might have been happy with someone else. It's like you would think wine was nice enough if you'd never had champagne... I wished I'd never had champagne, because then I might have been content with wine, iyswim? The simple fact that I knew there was something better out there, and I had it once, was exactly what made me discontented in other relationships. I ended perfectly good relationships because I was in pursuit of this perfect relationship that I once had and lost.

 

The result? I got back together with Mr Perfect and realised he was actually a pain in the behind in some ways, compared to the less exciting and fulfilling but more stable relationships that I had with other people. I think I had somewhat romanticised our relationship in my mind. I then split up with him and met another Mr Perfect, who broke my heart in the cruellest way and treated me worse than any of the guys who I had previously thought of as second best. This resulted in me redefining my criteria for what I wanted/needed in a partner! Some of my exes were actually better guys than I gave them credit for at the time.

[quankanne]

I think what the other posters said about change is smart thinking – though the change must first come from YOU, which impacts your wife. When you suffer from depression, making a connection with someone ... even someone you love dearly ... is hard, and I'm guessing this is what's behind your wife's lack of response to do things together. Add to the mix her picking up negative feelings, you get what you have now.

 

start from scratch. You say you don't know why you got with her. Fair enough; at this point, you need to move past that point to ask yourself what is it that keeps me here? Is there ANYTHING positive about this relationship I can focus on and build from there? Good vibes follow positive outlook, and she'll pick up on that positive energy if you're showing it.

 

again, change must come from within. Otherwise, it doesn't matter how many relationships you go through, you're never gonna find what you seek.

[SaltLake]

Thanks for the responses so far, they are very good and as always just knowing that others have felt/been in the same situation makes me feel better.

 

Thorton, with no hesitation I say your are as close as anyone has ever been to the truth, hell you said things that I wouldn't even admit to myself, and a few things that I didn't realize was going on in my head. The only thing different from your experience in the last response is that I did at some point I did figure out that my ex was no good for me. I did fully realize that had we not broken up it would have been a disaster at some other point in time. But your insight that my ex was probably everything that I ever wanted was right on. So as you say I got a taste of perfection and now I want it back. I do realize such perfection doesn't exist or maybe it exists only during the initial falling stage. Unfortunately I never had this falling in love stage with my wife. So what people are saying makes sense, I need to wiegh if I'll be happier with another potentially blah relationship. As it stands now the relationship is not terrible but it certainly doesn't feel like love. It feels like I'm going through the motions. On the other hand I understand what people are saying that very likely I can meet someone else and be in a similar situation plus now I'd have the bonus of alimony, parenting issues, etc. Can I live like this? Sure I can. I have been, its just this intensively strong attraction came over me and for the first time in a bout 10 years I felt that spark. I was completely caught off guard and a very strong impulse to do something about it.

 

So Thorton, what are you doing about your situation now? How are you dealing with it? Are you still searching or have you "settled" albeit with an understanding that the perfect relationship/guy is a dream.

[SaltLake]

To answer your question, no its not that bad with my wife. There's just no spark. The last year or so has been ok, not nearly as many wrenching fights. So I'd say its ok. As for, do I honestly believe I could find some one which would make me happier, I'd say yes. I have to explain why. When I met my wife I felt my heart was dead after the breakup. I really thought that it was so bad that I would never really feel that kind of love again. I thought it was either shut down or that I would never let myself open up like that again to anyone. That's why when I was faced with marriage, I decided well, I'll probably feel like this with anyone so why not just go ahead and do it.

 

That all changed when I finally had those feelings of attraction, sparks and long thought dead "in love" feelings when I met this woman at the party. Again, she wasn't necessary "the" woman, and for all I know she could of thought nothing of the encounter at all. But that I could have these feelings at all was the most shocking thing. So I would say based on those feelings that yes I think someone else could make me happier. I can reason that eventually I could fall back into a blah state, but at least there would have been a spark in the beginning. Have you been though that? Where you initially thought you had a strong connection, sparks flying (subsequent to your "perfect" guy) then after a while it slipped into the doldrums even though you thought it was the "right" man? Or did you enter the relationship guarded like me, with no sparks but only mild attraction?

[Thornton]

Well, to answer your question about my situation:

 

I was devastated and lonely after I split up with this guy who I was madly in love with, so I wasn't discerning enough about my relationships - I dated a few jerks and a few genuinely nice guys, and I even had a few long term relationships and I lived with couple of partners for a few years each. But even from the very beginning, all of those relationships lacked the spark I had with my ex, and I would have swapped any of them for him in a heartbeat if he wanted me back.

 

In the end we did get back together, and I realised what I should have known all along - yes, he made my pulse quicken and I felt this absolute adoration for him, but it wasn't a stable or loving relationship. He was unreliable and he would make dates and break them, he didn't make a huge effort to make me happy, he sometimes treated me like a trophy or a piece of meat and I didn't feel totally respected by him, I couldn't rely on him to always be there for me when I needed him... etc. He was handsome, he was charismatic, everything about him was impressive and desirable, but he wasn't really a very good bf to me, he was mostly full of his own self importance.

 

I didn't actually realise that he wasn't a great bf until we got back together and I compared our relationship with my exes - granted there was no spark with my exes, but the relationships were stable with no drama, and I could rely on them to support and love me, I trusted them completely. I loved them less, but they were better partners to me than this guy ever was. It took me until this point in my life to realise that relationships aren't only about whether you love someone, but whether they love you back and are a good partner to you. I was crazy about this guy, but he wasn't a good partner to me and our life together would never be stable and drama-free.

 

A decade after I met the first guy, I finally met someone else who quickened my pulse and made me feel excited about life. I was absolutely crazy about him, and he treated me worse than anyone else has in my entire life. I still think about these guys who adored and supported and loved me, who I broke up with because there was no spark, and I compare this relationship where there was a huge spark but it wasn't at all stable or loving. I think I preferred comfort and stability! I'm still glad I ended those relationships because there were more issues than simply the lack of a spark (such as incompatible life goals. different personalities and interests, and a general lack of physical attraction) but I now have a greater respect for the love and commitment that they showed to me while we were together.

 

I'm now in a stable relationship with a very nice guy who is supportive and loving and trustworthy, and we have more compatible life goals and similar interests. There isn't the spark that I had with my ex, but I'm not convinced that I could find such a spark without all the drama that comes with it - and having experienced it I can safely say that drama is something I can do without. I can't get on with my daily life if I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. Perhaps in a way I'm settling, although I could argue that being with the exes with whom I had a spark was equally settling, because I was settling for a lack of stability and trust and support in exchange for that spark.

 

I've now come to believe that different qualities are required in a good long term partner, and I was looking for the wrong attributes. You need stability and trust, you need support and love and commitment, you need to be able to get on with your daily life and be confident that you have the relationship thing in the bag. You need someone who will be your team-mate, who will do the laundry and cook the dinner, who you're so sure will always be there for you that you don't even think about it. You do not need a huge amount of excitement - it wears you down and distracts you from getting on with other things, and you make yourself ill from constantly being in this heightened emotional state. It would be nice to have it all, but that only happens in the movies - sparks and stability just seem to be mutually exclusive in my experience, and I prefer stability.

 

I suppose you could see this as me rationalising why I settled for a stable guy with whom I have a lot in common but not the greatest spark. Alternatively you could see it as me removing my romantic rose-tinted glasses and realising what makes a day-to-day relationship work rather than looking for some big dramatic love story with me cast in the starring role. Perhaps I will eventually happen upon another guy who makes the sparks fly, but I'd be willing to bet that we wouldn't have the most stable and happy relationship, and I wouldn't be prepared to exchange the love and support I get in my current relationship for a spark with someone else. I see 80-something yr old couples walking along hand in hand, and they don't look like sparks are flying, they look like they have a stable and mutually supportive relationship that works well on a day to day basis.

 

When it comes down to it, I'm still somewhat confused and trying to work it all out in my head - why was I madly in love with these charismatic handsome guys who weren't even very nice to me, and yet I didn't love other guys who gave me respect and love and support? Is this lack of a spark actually a fault in me - am I attracted to the wrong sort of guys? Or am I dating guys I don't particularly fancy just because they're safe and stable? (I have considered this - maybe I'm hiding in a relationship where I don't care enough to get hurt again). Is excitement a good or bad thing when it comes to having a stable day to day relationship? Would I be prepared to (yet again) give up a stable and supportive relationship in the hope of finding all that plus a spark in someone else? I'm afraid I haven't figured out the answers yet

[giotto]

Thornton, can you be my therapist, please?

 

BTW, I think the OP is being a bit unfair on his wife. I'm sure she's picked up on your unhappiness and therefore is unhappy and depressed as a consequence. You need to talk to her... but do bear in mind Thotnton's great advice...

[HUFI]

Thornton' date=' can you be my therapist, please ... his wife. I'm sure she's picked up on your unhappiness and therefore is unhappy and depressed as a consequence. You need to talk to her... but do bear in mind Thotnton's great advice...[/quote']

 

I have to agree that Thornton is doign a wonderful job at the advice/support role. Bravo.

 

I would just like to point out that that relationships quite ofen "give" what they "get". A a spark from you may result in a coresponding spark from your OP.

 

There are some books and weekend retreats that focus on rebuilding the spark within marriages. How to Improve your Marriage without talking about it by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny or any of the Laura Corn books.

 

If you walk the walk, then eventually you do become a duck!

 

[quankanne]

everything you've said so far makes me wonder if you've truly gotten your depression under control, and that this "sparkly new chick" that you feel a connection with is more or less a mirage in your dull marital existence.

 

from personal experience, I can tell you that when depression gets the upper hand, those things I love or are excited about become lackluster and I just cannot get excited about them ... and I find myself wondering if the answer isn't elsewhere. Like ditching my husband and getting someone new because I don't sense "love," or quitting the job I love and moving so I can "find" happiness. However, when my blood chemistry is back in whack, my mindset changes considerably, and I realize that those "solutions" really aren't valid ones when the problem is inside ME ...

 

it sounds to me like you've fallen into a habit of making decisions based on what you feel during depressive states, and when you grow unhappy with the results, you revert back to that faulty decision-making process in your search for new answers.

 

you aren't really changing a thing if you don't change/fix what's wrong inside you – and all this fantastic advice is for naught ...

[hopeful1980]

I feel really sorry for your wife. If I were her, I'd wish you would try and get a spark with me.

 

My dad always used to tell me that whenever I thought the grass was greener on the other side, water my own grass. The grass is greenest where it is watered.

[pkn06002]

I feel really sorry for your wife. If I were her, I'd wish you would try and get a spark with me.

 

My dad always used to tell me that whenever I thought the grass was greener on the other side, water my own grass. The grass is greenest where it is watered.

 

Nice thoughts, but what if he has already tried?

 

Look Salt you need to determine if what you are not getting is a deal breaker. If not learn to accept it or talk to your wife and try to change it.

 

I am in your shoes and determined that acceptance was OK.

 

What ever you do, DO NOT follow the urge to explore. Deal with what you have at hand first.

[SaltLake]

First, I want to thank all the posters with a special nod to Thorton. I had no idea that posting would actually get me productive real advice.

 

Several of you have mentioned that my wife may have picked up on my flatness, and I am sure you all are right. Although I know that I am not the main cause of her doldrums, I know I am contributing to it. She actually asked at least 2 times why I'm still here and if I loved her at all. To which I completely blanked because I couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole truth. I bet many of you would think she deserves the full truth. But I know once that happens, it's unrecoverable. It would be for me. I am not ready to throw it all away.

 

Thorton, your description of what happened with you really helped me see things from a different point of view. Your thought process that you could be settling if you went for the sparkly ones is brilliant, it just turns out you'd be settling for a different set of parameters. I don't believe that is rationalizing, I think its a completely logical argument. Funny how frighteningly similar our experiences have been. I have always known no matter how weird, special, or difficult your situation may be, there is always others that have gone through the same thing. So here's the thing, and it seems like you might be thinking this as well. Maybe I want my cake and eat it too. Translated it means I must be able to find a sparkly one who is also stable/good/decent/loves me too. I guess that is the last hold out in our brains. If that one nagging suspicion wasn't there, I'd bet we'd be content with what we have.

 

Quankanne, you may be right about me not fully out of the depression thing. I definitely don't feel "depressed" like I did a couple of years ago, that wrenching sort of pain is gone. However, you may be right becasue I don't feel 100% either. I still do feel blah about a lot of things, yet I don't feel necessarily depressed, just flat. I think that feeling something so far outside of flat is what triggered this big reaction from, me. I felt like me again, if only for a few hours. I'm not sure what to do about this. 2 years ago, my psychologist said, I was no longer depressed and that I was ok. And so I am, but just ok. I am fairly sure my flatness is some feeling that I am now locked into this commitment and that this may be as good as it gets. Don't get me wrong, there are highlights and we both love our child, but there is something missing. So Quankanne, if I don't believe there ever was a spark, even if I was fully recovered and not depressed at any level, I'm still not sure there would be a spark. But it certainly is worth trying to figure out.

[SaltLake]

Nice thoughts, but what if he has already tried?

 

Look Salt you need to determine if what you are not getting is a deal breaker. If not learn to accept it or talk to your wife and try to change it.

 

I am in your shoes and determined that acceptance was OK.

 

What ever you do, DO NOT follow the urge to explore. Deal with what you have at hand first.

 

You are of course correct and I did think I had accepted things as they are. That all got thrown for a loop when I met a sparkly one (I like that term, thanks quankanne). Its like you're driving along all nice and steady and a deer runs across your path. Evrything goes to hell for a second and hopefully you avoid the hit, but some times its just too close not to derail you permanently.