Any MOW recommitting to their marriages?

[NowhereToHide]

I was a MOW that got involved with a MOM.

 

We had a 3 month affair, mostly emotional (physical once). It was the biggest mistake of my life. I have not told my husband (yet) and for many reasons I probably won't.

 

Are there any other married OW that are recommitting to their marriages? What are you doing that is or isn't working?

[whichwayisup]

Question is, does your husband feel that the marriage needs to be worked on, to be recommitted to it like you do? Does he know that the marriage is in trouble? Any inkling that you are unhappy?

 

Sounds more to me that you need to work on you, fix whatever it is that's broken, learn to communicate and turn to your H not a MM (married man).

[whichwayisup]

I am copying and pasting this from another thread, as it's more fitting here than in the other section..

 

The thing is, you knew by having the affair in the firstplace that there would be a good chance of your marriage ending - You said that a 'hypothical' question was asked and discussed between you and your H , if you cheated, he said he would leave..So, why then did you choose to put yourself in a stupid situation -to have a 3 month affair, knowing full well that your H would probably leave you?? Counselling, individual and with your husband..Do the individual first (make sure the therapist is the same person for both) so you can get the strength to come clean with your H and also let go of what you feel for the exMM. No point in even trying to fix this if you are still feeling "it" or hoping for something more to happen with exMM.. Is the A really over? If so, how long has it been? Is no contact in place? NC as in you don't see/speak/text/email exMM anymore.. Right?

[Devil Inside]

I was a MOW that got involved with a MOM.

 

We had a 3 month affair, mostly emotional (physical once). It was the biggest mistake of my life. I have not told my husband (yet) and for many reasons I probably won't.

 

Are there any other married OW that are recommitting to their marriages? What are you doing that is or isn't working?

 

What are the issues in your marriage that led to you straying?

 

The answer to that question would be a good place to start.

[scatterd]

Does he have a feeling you have done something? Why did you turn to someone else? Is the guilt killing you? If so you will feel this for a long time

I would feel so bad.I think my husband has and I am waiting for him to come clean I dont know if I trust him now.I am sure your afraid he will leave you. I hope you have learned something.Do alot of soul searching I hope you find the answer that will work for you both.Some times people are forgiving over mistakes but a mistake is a one time drunk thing.I would do whatever it takes to work it out, but without trust relationships dont work.Talk to him see what he feels and knows be true to yourself and him.good luck!

[boldjack]

OP, This is the thinking that got you into this mess, in the first place. To say that you are recommitting to your marriage is just words, totally meaningless, unless you are honest with your Husband. I have been you, and know. As long as you are lying to your husband, your affair is continuing, and will continue. He will find out, or he will notice that something isn't what it should be. These things very rarely stay hidden for long. If you truly want to reconnect , you must be totally honest with your H and with yourself, or you have very little chance of making it.

[NowhereToHide]

What are the issues in your marriage that led to you straying?

 

The answer to that question would be a good place to start.

 

 

 

I guess the issues in the marriage was that we had drifted apart emotionally -- focusing on the kids, finances, the hard work of life. We stopped focusing on our marriage. It wasn't bad, it was more like it was stagnant I suppose.

 

The AP entered into my life at that time. We started an EA and it went from there. I began to feel like it was what I was missing in my marriage. It was stupid, as I could have turned to my husband. I should have. I know that now.

[NowhereToHide]

Question is, does your husband feel that the marriage needs to be worked on, to be recommitted to it like you do? Does he know that the marriage is in trouble? Any inkling that you are unhappy?

 

Sounds more to me that you need to work on you, fix whatever it is that's broken, learn to communicate and turn to your H not a MM (married man).

 

 

I have actually been the one talking about working on the marriage. He isn't feeling disconnected from me in any way, but is willing to start putting more focus on each other.

 

I am going to IC... I have been since the affair. I am working on a lot of issues. I am acutely aware of why I did what I did now.

.

[NowhereToHide]

Does he have a feeling you have done something? Why did you turn to someone else? Is the guilt killing you? If so you will feel this for a long time

I would feel so bad.I think my husband has and I am waiting for him to come clean I dont know if I trust him now.I am sure your afraid he will leave you. I hope you have learned something.Do alot of soul searching I hope you find the answer that will work for you both.Some times people are forgiving over mistakes but a mistake is a one time drunk thing.I would do whatever it takes to work it out, but without trust relationships dont work.Talk to him see what he feels and knows be true to yourself and him.good luck!

 

 

No, he has no idea I have engaged in an affair. And yes, the guilt is killing me.

 

I hope your situation works out okay. Keep posting and let us know how it's going.

[NowhereToHide]

I am copying and pasting this from another thread, as it's more fitting here than in the other section..

 

The thing is, you knew by having the affair in the firstplace that there would be a good chance of your marriage ending - You said that a 'hypothical' question was asked and discussed between you and your H , if you cheated, he said he would leave..So, why then did you choose to put yourself in a stupid situation -to have a 3 month affair, knowing full well that your H would probably leave you?? Counselling, individual and with your husband..Do the individual first (make sure the therapist is the same person for both) so you can get the strength to come clean with your H and also let go of what you feel for the exMM. No point in even trying to fix this if you are still feeling "it" or hoping for something more to happen with exMM.. Is the A really over? If so, how long has it been? Is no contact in place? NC as in you don't see/speak/text/email exMM anymore.. Right?

 

 

Thanks WWIP.... There are a lot of reasons why I did what I did. I'm learning a lot about myself through therapy. I am disgusted with myself and what I have done. Looking back I can't believe that "that" person was me.

 

I am in IC. And no, there aren't any feelings left for my AP. We had LC up until recently and it has basically gone to NC by mutual choice. It's over.

[Queen of Hearts]

hahahah, this has to be a joke , you lied, cheated and now you are lying some more and that is your definition of recommitting to marriage.

 

Gosh are there and honest women left in this world?

 

 

Wow, that was totally insightful... :|

[lkjh]

Wow, that was totally insightful... :|

 

Thank you.

 

 

But lets be honest, she cheated on her H, she is not going to tell him, and now she is "recommitted" to her marriage, and the best part is he had no clue there was a problem in the marriage and now she is making him work on it. Can you image this being done to you. Having the person you are suppose to trust and be able to rely on do this to you. She doesn't even respect him enough to tell him.

[lkjh]

I have a question for the OP, while you two are "working" on your marriage are you going to honestly be able to look him in the eye and tell him things he needs to work on? Are you going to feel guilty making him work on a marriage that is tainted?

 

I know I sound harsh but really sit back and look at what you are doing(don't just say i feel guilty). If you can't be honest, please don't torture this guy into working on a marriage in which the wife does not respect or love her H. You can claim to love him but if this is your version of love then he is better off with out it. If you can't be honest then seriously consider divorcing him and letting him find someone that respects him

[Chrome Barracuda]

She's recommitting to a falsehood and a lie. That's what the marriage is. it's all one big lie...

 

As long as she never tells the husband about the affair, he will never truly have that sense of trust she will always live with that deceptive lie and foundation on which their marriage is now based.

 

She's weak and needs to open up and be honest with her husband instead of hiding her head in the sand. And this post isnt meant to be mean it's to make her realize that when the truth eventally will come out he will not forgive you because you knew about it all along and kept the lie going. it will be harder for him to trust in you. and harder for him to remain with you.

 

I tell you people it's not always the affair. it's the outright lie that goes along with them!

[Aquarius Rising]

I was a MOW that got involved with a MOM.

 

We had a 3 month affair, mostly emotional (physical once). It was the biggest mistake of my life. I have not told my husband (yet) and for many reasons I probably won't.

 

Are there any other married OW that are recommitting to their marriages? What are you doing that is or isn't working?

 

Hi NTH

 

I am an xMOW now separated from my H but in MC trying to reconcile. I spent the longest time wrestling my guilt over the A. In the end I left the marriage to try to work out what the hell was going on for me. Soon after that the A ended (horribly).

 

I made the decision to tell my H the whole truth. He knew about the xMM but not that we had remained in contact after D day. I knew that if I was ever going to be a whole person again I had to tell the truth, at that stage I did not have hope for reconciling my marriage, I simply needed to be honest with myself and those that had a right to know. I also told my children (not in great detail ) about the A and this helped them make sense of what was happening with my H and I.

 

My H and kids did not judge me ... they love me and want me back home. I am doing IC and MC to try and learn how to accept myself again so that I may be able to do the work needed to be in a marriage again with my H. We are all staying hopeful but it is not easy for any of us.

 

My A lasted almost two years and I HAVE to grieve the end of that relationship and I am doing that openly with my H alongside. It takes one hell of a man to be able to endure that ... but there can be no short-cuts and we both know that. I do not lie to him about any part of this process for me .... and we are making progress. Baby steps though.

 

After 18yrs together we do not want to throw away the equity we have built up in the relationship. No-one will ever love your children as much as their own mum and dad. I didn't have that luxury growing up and I'm going to do what I can to give that to my kids.

 

Thru IC I have learned that my A relates to my unmet needs as a child, it sounds cliche but it isn't. Do the work you need to do to understand your vulnerabilities so you can avoid making seriously wrong choices again in the future.

 

But, the bottom line is ... you need to tell him the truth, it is the only way to find out if the two of you have got what it takes to rebuild the marriage.

 

And good luck ....... I know how hard this is.

 

AR (hug)

[boldjack]

Very good post AR, and the best of luck to you and your family. I hope that you can rebuild your marriage. At least you have a good foundation to start from........, the truth.

[moaningmyrtle]

My H had an affair lasting several years that ended a few years ago. I never knew about the A at the time, but did realise that there were problems in our relationship with intimacy and him being emotionally distant.

 

When the A ended he made a decision that it was all over and that it would not happen again and that he would put in the effort to reconnect with me and heal our marriage. At the time I noticed he was making a bigger effort and all was apparently well.

 

But only until a few months ago; when I noticed yet again that there was something troubling him. There was then a terrible d day and it came out that the original OW had reconnected with him but only temporarily, and he then started trying to find someone else to "supplement" the marriage.

 

My H is a serial cheater that is clear, but he has only been found out the once. Despite what I always beleived and said about infidelity (that it was a deal breaker), it wasn't; although it came very close.

 

I know my H reasonably well (although not apparently well enough) and I can see that the months since d day have been almost as stressful and devastating for him as they have for me. I've made the decision that if it does happen again then my H is an irredeemable cheater and our marriage will simply have to end for the sake of my own emotional and mental well being - albeit with much sadness on my part as he is not otherwise a horrible person. Finding that the one I love has done such terrible things is utterly awful.

 

The point I'm making is that without disclosure to the BS there is a bigger risk that the WS can fall back into old habits when the going gets tough. Of course my H may have anyway and may yet again. We can't predict the future but past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour.

 

My advice would be to tell your H. While he will be terribly upset it will help you both focus on what is important and most importantly what you need to absolutely ensure that you do not stray again. I honestly believe that my H won't, simply because of the awfulness of what it has done to me, him and our family. It is not that I'm his policeman but more that he will be in a better position to police himself as he's had a glimpse of what life will be without me. If I'm not that important to him then I suppose it will happen again in which case no further chances for him.

 

Good luck but it will be much harder for you if you don't fully understand and have (almost) experienced what is at stake.

[Aquarius Rising]

Very good post AR, and the best of luck to you and your family. I hope that you can rebuild your marriage. At least you have a good foundation to start from........, the truth.

 

Thanks BJ, I appreciate the support

[JumpinJimmy]

AR nice post. You were the only one who actually read her question and answered her, as the rest just bashed her and questioned her judgement.

 

Nowheretohide, take what you need from these posters and remember there is no cookie cutter formula for fixing these issues. You will have to do what is best for your marriage regardless of other's opinions. It is nice to get feedback, but do not let the people on these forums bully you into doing something that they would do, but may not work in your marriage. You are the one who knows yourself, your husband, and the unique situation and dynamics in your marriage. Good luck.

[NowhereToHide]

AR nice post. You were the only one who actually read her question and answered her, as the rest just bashed her and questioned her judgement.

 

Nowheretohide, take what you need from these posters and remember there is no cookie cutter formula for fixing these issues. You will have to do what is best for your marriage regardless of other's opinions. It is nice to get feedback, but do not let the people on these forums bully you into doing something that they would do, but may not work in your marriage. You are the one who knows yourself, your husband, and the unique situation and dynamics in your marriage. Good luck.

 

 

Thanks Jimmy... And thank you Aquarius.

[seibert253]

Nowhere.

 

You will never fully heal, and neither will your marriage until you are honest with yourself and your husband.

 

A relationship cannot last and be rebuilt without honesty and trust. You've violated that trust, but it can be rebuilt. If you do not tell your husband what happened, then you are not being honest. You are continuing the lie, and in essence you are continuing the A.

 

Let's look forward. Say you never tell him, then 5 years later for some reason he finds out. Now, not only do you have the intial violation of the affair, but you've compounded the problem by the additional 5 years of lies and coverup. The initial A may not destroy your marriage, but the 5 years of lies will doom it. I guarentee you.

Look at it this way, if you tell your husband what's happened, yeah he's gonna be floored, hurt, and so angry. But, it will mean so much more to him that you admit this to him, then him finding out on his own, then having to confront you.

Never think your husband will never find out. There are so many WS's who've thought that, only to have there marriages destroyed years later.

 

Remember, it's never the inital crime, it's the lies and coverup. President Nixon is the best example of this.

[moaningmyrtle]

I'm sorry my post came off as unsupportive (I got this from the other thread where you said that you found advice from BSs unhelpful). Although I'm a BW I just hoped you would consider the possible future consequences of not telling your H, but him finding out later. The poster just before this summed it up well.

 

Either way I know you will probably balance the risks of:

- telling him now and losing him,

- him finding out later and you losing him

- him never finding out and you never straying again

- him never finding out but you either being tempted again or actually straying.

 

Please at least think about it and the possible ramifications of each course of action.

[NowhereToHide]

I'm sorry my post came off as unsupportive (I got this from the other thread where you said that you found advice from BSs unhelpful). Although I'm a BW I just hoped you would consider the possible future consequences of not telling your H, but him finding out later. The poster just before this summed it up well.

 

Either way I know you will probably balance the risks of:

- telling him now and losing him,

- him finding out later and you losing him

- him never finding out and you never straying again

- him never finding out but you either being tempted again or actually straying.

 

Please at least think about it and the possible ramifications of each course of action.

 

 

Thank you MM. I actually think I said I DID find the advice from some BSs very helpful.... especially the ones like you that have had this experience.

 

Please believe me, I have thought of nothing else since the end of my A. I am in intense therapy right now and I'm unsure what the "outcome" of all of this will be. I will continue to think about it and the ramifications of each option.

[bluegreen12]

I guess the issues in the marriage was that we had drifted apart emotionally -- focusing on the kids, finances, the hard work of life. We stopped focusing on our marriage. It wasn't bad, it was more like it was stagnant I suppose.

 

The AP entered into my life at that time. We started an EA and it went from there. I began to feel like it was what I was missing in my marriage. It was stupid, as I could have turned to my husband. I should have. I know that now.

 

Well, once you crossed that line, things will never ever be the same.

[seibert253]

Nowhere, BS here, I'll be blunt. Nothing against you because I feel you are a great person and you understand the wrong you've done.

 

No matter how much counseling you get, you will never put this to rest until you do one thing; be brutally honest with your H and tell him what happened. The guilt will always remain, and will resurface time to time. I feel your heart is heavy about this, and I find it hard to believe you will ever return to the "true You" if this secret remains.

 

To attempt to repair your marriage without honesty is, well, dishonest. You've already done that, look where you are.

 

Let me ask you this, what's gonna happen 5 or 10 years from now when your husband finds out what you did, then lied and covered it up for the past number of years?

 

It's not the crime, but the coverup, ask Richard Nixon or Bill Clinton.

 

Please don't be so nieve to think your husband will never find out. Trust me, it will not be the inital acts of infidelity that will doom your marriage, but the continued lies. He will feel your whole marriage was a lie. He will never trust anything about you ever again.

 

Do some research. Read the threads about BS's you found out years later that their WS's committed infidelity, stopped it, but never was honest about it and swept it under the rug. Many of these marriages fell apart. Not by the cheating, but the X number of years of lies. Yes, lying by omission is just as devistating. One that comes to mind is a 23 year marriage that is falling apart, because the WW kept secret the affairs she committed 20 years prior. It's not the affairs, but the 20 years of lies that's tearing this marriage to shreds.

 

Be truthful with yourself. The reason you do not wish to tell you husband is not because you've moved on and don't want to hurt him. The reason is because you don't want to really face the fact of what you did. Ignore it and hope it goes away. It's really selfish, (again, not attacking you but telling you what you need to hear)

 

Trust me on this; yes your husband will be hurt and devistated. But, if he really loves you the way you love him, he will accept what you did, and work to fix and forgive.

 

Another thing, confession is different that admission. Confession is done without prior to being found out and confronted. Admission is only being honest after the wrong has been learned, and the person is confronted about what they did.

 

Down the road, your husband will respect you if you confess to him what you did. He probably will have no respect if he finds out, then you admit after he confronts you about it.