Any MOW recommitting to their marriages?

[NowhereToHide]

Nowhere, BS here, I'll be blunt. Nothing against you because I feel you are a great person and you understand the wrong you've done.

 

No matter how much counseling you get, you will never put this to rest until you do one thing; be brutally honest with your H and tell him what happened. The guilt will always remain, and will resurface time to time. I feel your heart is heavy about this, and I find it hard to believe you will ever return to the "true You" if this secret remains.

 

To attempt to repair your marriage without honesty is, well, dishonest. You've already done that, look where you are.

 

Let me ask you this, what's gonna happen 5 or 10 years from now when your husband finds out what you did, then lied and covered it up for the past number of years?

 

It's not the crime, but the coverup, ask Richard Nixon or Bill Clinton.

 

Please don't be so nieve to think your husband will never find out. Trust me, it will not be the inital acts of infidelity that will doom your marriage, but the continued lies. He will feel your whole marriage was a lie. He will never trust anything about you ever again.

 

Do some research. Read the threads about BS's you found out years later that their WS's committed infidelity, stopped it, but never was honest about it and swept it under the rug. Many of these marriages fell apart. Not by the cheating, but the X number of years of lies. Yes, lying by omission is just as devistating. One that comes to mind is a 23 year marriage that is falling apart, because the WW kept secret the affairs she committed 20 years prior. It's not the affairs, but the 20 years of lies that's tearing this marriage to shreds.

 

Be truthful with yourself. The reason you do not wish to tell you husband is not because you've moved on and don't want to hurt him. The reason is because you don't want to really face the fact of what you did. Ignore it and hope it goes away. It's really selfish, (again, not attacking you but telling you what you need to hear)

 

Trust me on this; yes your husband will be hurt and devistated. But, if he really loves you the way you love him, he will accept what you did, and work to fix and forgive.

 

Another thing, confession is different that admission. Confession is done without prior to being found out and confronted. Admission is only being honest after the wrong has been learned, and the person is confronted about what they did.

 

Down the road, your husband will respect you if you confess to him what you did. He probably will have no respect if he finds out, then you admit after he confronts you about it.

 

 

Thank you Seibert. I appreciate your advice more than you know.

[Fallen Angel]

thank you seibert. I appreciate your advice more than you know.

 

Two shining examples of how this should be done!!! *insert huge smile here* Thumbs up!!!

[bluegreen12]

Thank you Seibert. I appreciate your advice more than you know.

 

But, yet you will just brush it off and continue to lie to your H and continue to make a fool out of him.

 

Here is a question for you, if you're woman enough to do it, why can't you be woman enough to admit it?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

I am woman enough to do it and i did admit it but I still AM the OW. and until I heal and let go completely that probably means i will be for a very long time.

 

I also think that theres not always the need to hurt the BS by telling them. torturing them. shattering their world. i guess you cant necessarily call it a mistake because you did it willingly, but looking back on things you can say that you made some terrible decisions and move on.

 

nowhere is here because she is struggling and trying to find her way. and doing a damn good job of it the best way she knows how.

[MizzBlue72]

Bravo BrownEyed Girl!!

NWTH IS here because she needs support and has questions.

 

NWTH - I tried reconciling with my spouse. Our marriage was destroyed beyond repair prior to my having an A.

I did NOT leave the marriage because of the A, and I did not end it when I divorced.

 

I too had an A because of absolutely no physical or emotional intimacy in my marriage.

 

I was advised by a lot of people on here to tell my H of the A to completely heal, and I was advised AGAINST telling my H of the A by my therapist since she stated that all the H would do was focus on the A - and the A was NOT what broke my marriage up..... many other items (lack of things) broke that apart.

 

Good luck.

[NowhereToHide]

I am woman enough to do it and i did admit it but I still AM the OW. and until I heal and let go completely that probably means i will be for a very long time.

 

I also think that theres not always the need to hurt the BS by telling them. torturing them. shattering their world. i guess you cant necessarily call it a mistake because you did it willingly, but looking back on things you can say that you made some terrible decisions and move on.

 

nowhere is here because she is struggling and trying to find her way. and doing a damn good job of it the best way she knows how.

 

Thanks BEG. But it's really a waste of time. Bluegreen is just resurrecting old threads and trying really hard to push buttons. She's not here for help or TO help. Not worth it.

 

Hope YOU are doing well!!! I've been thinking about you!

[mybrowneyedgirl]

wow. good thoughts. my H knows all about the affair and its ALL he focuses on. granted, we had a pretty good marriage to begin with, but now theres other things to talk about and this seems to be the only thing he cares about.

[NowhereToHide]

wow. good thoughts. my H knows all about the affair and its ALL he focuses on. granted, we had a pretty good marriage to begin with, but now theres other things to talk about and this seems to be the only thing he cares about.

 

 

BEG, keep fighting for it. Just like it's incredibly hard for you to get over your xMM, it's even harder for your H to get over what happened. I'm proud of you for sticking it out and trying your hardest to work through this. I KNOW it's hell.

 

I'm amazed at once I really started to re-focus on my H, truly give him my full self, how he has responded. I know you still have your MM in your heart, but keep letting a piece of him go everyday and you'll soon be at a point where it won't hurt anymore. We can do this! I promise!

[boldjack]

MBEG, just as you need to forget the OM, your husband need to come to terms with the affair, too. It may take months, even years to put this behind you. Both of you need to be patient with each other, and work on anything that will help you reconnect. If you can show him that the affair is over and that you are totally committed to rebuilding lost trust, it will pay enormous dividends, for your own healing as well as your H's. That you told him about the affair, is a wonderful example of your renewed committment to an honest relationship. Whatever happens between you, you will both have grown and matured into people you can be proud of. My very best wishes for you and your husband.:)

[Samantha0905]

No, he has no idea I have engaged in an affair. And yes, the guilt is killing me.

 

I hope your situation works out okay. Keep posting and let us know how it's going.

 

If you're moving on you just need to forgive yourself and let go of the guilt. It's okay to do that. Move forward a brand new you.

 

Thank you.

 

 

But lets be honest, she cheated on her H, she is not going to tell him, and now she is "recommitted" to her marriage, and the best part is he had no clue there was a problem in the marriage and now she is making him work on it. Can you image this being done to you. Having the person you are suppose to trust and be able to rely on do this to you. She doesn't even respect him enough to tell him.

 

Yes, I can. My husband and I have actually discussed this and both came to the conclusion if we made the tremendous mistake of cheating, decided it was a mistake, prayed for forgiveness, moved on from it and had no plans on doing it again -- then we would each prefer not to know. Some things are better left unsaid. Why cause the pain?

 

I have a question for the OP, while you two are "working" on your marriage are you going to honestly be able to look him in the eye and tell him things he needs to work on? Are you going to feel guilty making him work on a marriage that is tainted?

 

I know I sound harsh but really sit back and look at what you are doing(don't just say i feel guilty). If you can't be honest, please don't torture this guy into working on a marriage in which the wife does not respect or love her H. You can claim to love him but if this is your version of love then he is better off with out it. If you can't be honest then seriously consider divorcing him and letting him find someone that respects him

 

 

 

She's recommitting to a falsehood and a lie. That's what the marriage is. it's all one big lie...

 

As long as she never tells the husband about the affair, he will never truly have that sense of trust she will always live with that deceptive lie and foundation on which their marriage is now based.

 

She's weak and needs to open up and be honest with her husband instead of hiding her head in the sand. And this post isnt meant to be mean it's to make her realize that when the truth eventally will come out he will not forgive you because you knew about it all along and kept the lie going. it will be harder for him to trust in you. and harder for him to remain with you.

 

I tell you people it's not always the affair. it's the outright lie that goes along with them!

 

Nowhere.

 

You will never fully heal, and neither will your marriage until you are honest with yourself and your husband.

 

A relationship cannot last and be rebuilt without honesty and trust. You've violated that trust, but it can be rebuilt. If you do not tell your husband what happened, then you are not being honest. You are continuing the lie, and in essence you are continuing the A.

 

Let's look forward. Say you never tell him, then 5 years later for some reason he finds out. Now, not only do you have the intial violation of the affair, but you've compounded the problem by the additional 5 years of lies and coverup. The initial A may not destroy your marriage, but the 5 years of lies will doom it. I guarentee you.

Look at it this way, if you tell your husband what's happened, yeah he's gonna be floored, hurt, and so angry. But, it will mean so much more to him that you admit this to him, then him finding out on his own, then having to confront you.

Never think your husband will never find out. There are so many WS's who've thought that, only to have there marriages destroyed years later.

 

Remember, it's never the inital crime, it's the lies and coverup. President Nixon is the best example of this.

 

Silliness. She can move forward and the marriage is not based on a lie. Her husband isn't who she needs to work things out with.

 

Speaking from my own standpoint, it's my relationship with God from which I had strayed. If I bring it before Him and ask for forgiveness, it is gone.

 

I am woman enough to do it and i did admit it but I still AM the OW. and until I heal and let go completely that probably means i will be for a very long time.

 

I also think that theres not always the need to hurt the BS by telling them. torturing them. shattering their world. i guess you cant necessarily call it a mistake because you did it willingly, but looking back on things you can say that you made some terrible decisions and move on.

 

nowhere is here because she is struggling and trying to find her way. and doing a damn good job of it the best way she knows how.

 

I agree. Except, sure it can be called a mistake. Or a sin. Or a train wreck -- -- but we all make them at times in life. I think the most important thing that can happen here is her forgiving herself and her learning to love herself again. She made a mistake. I think there are people who need to take the plank out of their own eye here.

 

There are a lot of judgments being made about her, her husband and their relationship.

 

wow. good thoughts. my H knows all about the affair and its ALL he focuses on. granted, we had a pretty good marriage to begin with, but now theres other things to talk about and this seems to be the only thing he cares about.

 

I think that's what would happen too. I think it's self-serving to tell after the fact. I disagree with people who say things can't move forward in truth. Sure they can. The person who has moved away from the affair may move forward with guilt for a while -- and that's probably how it should be -- but, eventually, they must learn to forgive and love themselves. God forgives them when they sincerely ask, so learning to forgive themselves is the next step.

 

There's no need to hurt your spouse and we all sin at times. The best you can do is learn from it at this point and move forward. Put all the energy you were putting into the affair partner into your relationship with your husband. Be happy and love life.

[boldjack]

So Samantha, you are saying that God says it's OK for you to continue lying to your spouse? You must be reading a different Bible than I've got.

[Chrome Barracuda]

God has nothing to do with free will!!! You are a human being, you make your choice. Cheating is a choice!!!! God has nothing to do with a woman who is screwing behind her husbands back. god has nothing to do with getting another woman pregnant when you are married to someone else. And she wonders why people hate religion when it comes to infidelity.

 

Religion cannot save you forever...

 

It's right and wrong. Simple as that...

Edited October 20, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Samantha0905]

So Samantha, you are saying that God says it's OK for you to continue lying to your spouse? You must be reading a different Bible than I've got.

 

You forgot the verse about taking the speck out of your own eye

 

I think God says He forgives me if I truly repent and and ask for His forgiveness. Once done, I can move forward and there's no need taking my spouse out if I love him and the intent is to move forward without committing the sin again. Since He's forgiven me, I think the sin is taken away and I wouldn't be moving forward together "lying." I would be moving forward with the help of God learning to truly love my spouse.

 

Samantha is probably one of those christian thumping bible pratlling idiots...

 

God has nothing to do with free will!!! You are a human being, you make your choice. Cheating is a choice!!!! God has nothing to do with a woman who is screwing behind her husbands back. god has nothing to do with getting another woman pregnant when you are married to someone else. And she wonders why people hate religion when it comes to infidelity.

 

Religion cannot save you forever...

 

It's right and wrong. Simple as that...

 

Actually I'm not a bible prattling (sp) idiot ( ). Yes, cheating was a choice. A bad choice. God saved me through grace. I don't hate religion, but I don't practice religion. I have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.

 

I'm actually not over the top religious. I do have a peace in my soul given to me by God, however. I'm a person, just like you are. We all make the mistake of sin. Some do it through an extra-marital affair. Some do it through lying in other ways. Some do it by harboring hate and judgement against things like others who have had an extramarital affair or perhaps by hating religion. You know people who go to church aren't perfect and don't profess to be.

 

I do agree with you an extramarital affair is wrong. We all commit wrongs. Luckily, there is Someone who doesn't hold our wrongs against us forever......

Edited October 20, 2009 by Samantha0905

[Samantha0905]

 

God has nothing to do with free will!!!........ Religion cannot save you forever...

 

 

Forgot this part. Religion cannot, but the Grace given us through faith can. John 3:16. And free will has everything to do with that decision.

[JumpinJimmy]

Sam, I have not read enough of CB's post to determine if he is a believer or not, but as a general rule you cannot argue from the bible to prove the bible or God to a non believer. It doesn't work and it "beg's the question". Try a different tactic.

[boldjack]

Your post interested me, Sam. When I was a cheater, I asked my Pastor this same question.. He said that to atone for a sin committed against another person, you MUST atone TO that person. God will forgive you, yes, but the sin remains until you submit yourself to the person you wronged.

[Samantha0905]

Sam, I have not read enough of CB's post to determine if he is a believer or not, but as a general rule you cannot argue from the bible to prove the bible or God to a non believer. It doesn't work and it "beg's the question". Try a different tactic.

 

Hope I'm not coming off as too argumentative, but the only way I can approach the issue of my own infidelity is through my own faith, as I am a Christian. I suppose I think it's important to remain diligent about my relationship with Jesus, because I think I would be less likely to fall prey to temptation/sin if I were maintaining a closer relationship.

 

It's difficult to type about my faith without coming off as overly religious -- which I am not. I'm not at church every Sunday. I do know without a doubt, however, I am a Christian. I have been since I was a teenager and in times of difficulty (when my mother died after three years of battling with cancer) and times of joy (birth of my sweet children), God has been there for me.

 

In any event, it's hard not to look at my sin from any other angle and it's a shame when someone brings up their Christianity -- which I do not go on and about openly often -- without being labeled a thumper, zealot, etc.

 

I feel like I'm taking over this thread, however, and do not want to.

 

My main point was to the original poster that she can be forgiven, move forward in Truth, and forgive herself without having to tell her spouse about the infidelity.

 

The difficult part is in the forgetting, but with God's help that can be done also.

[Samantha0905]

Your post interested me, Sam. When I was a cheater, I asked my Pastor this same question.. He said that to atone for a sin committed against another person, you MUST atone TO that person. God will forgive you, yes, but the sin remains until you submit yourself to the person you wronged.

 

Yes, I know that would be the response given more often than not given by a pastor. Perhaps for you, it was the right thing. I've heard some pastors say interracial marriages shouldn't happen, homosexuality is a choice, etc. In the Baptist church (Southern) they even decided not to let women be pastors anymore because women shouldn't be in a position of authority over men. I can't say that I believe any of that, so I don't think of pastors as infallible, or their advice 100% correct in all situations. I think the best way to handle life's difficulties is to pray to God about it, seek counsel YOU trust, and come to the decision which works best for you.

 

I simply do not feel someone HAS to tell their spouse of an infidelity. There are other options for moving forth in truth. If a person feels it would destroy their spouse, their relationship, etc. and chooses to spare them the pain, I think they can move forward and it does not mean their marriage is based on a lie forever and ever. Perhaps in time, I will choose to tell -- or the original poster will choose to tell -- I don't know. I just know it's the person's choice and there's nobody else who can decide whether it's right or wrong for that relationship.

 

I like what Jesus said to the adulteress woman -- go and sin no more. It's a statement of encouragement, not judgement.

[Samantha0905]

Sam, I have not read enough of CB's post to determine if he is a believer or not, but as a general rule you cannot argue from the bible to prove the bible or God to a non believer. It doesn't work and it "beg's the question". Try a different tactic.

 

By the way -- just saw your post in the introduce yourself thread -- my advice: DON'T DO IT!! I'm 27 years married -- same situation -- single OM and me -- the MW. Wish I hadn't!! Although there is quite the rush for a while, the end result is damage to the soul, lost integrity, stress and heartache!! Duh. It's so much easier to see in hindsight. For me, it was a vulnerable time -- just became an empty nester. Perhaps, you should look at your situation and try to figure out what's making you vulnerable.

[boldjack]

The disclosure question, SAM, is not what I'm talking about. If you are going to try to use GOD to justify continued deceit, you better think again. Because I'm pretty sure that it won't fly.IMO.

[Dexter Morgan]

I guess the issues in the marriage was that we had drifted apart emotionally -- focusing on the kids, finances, the hard work of life. We stopped focusing on our marriage. It wasn't bad, it was more like it was stagnant I suppose.

 

if that is all, i'd hate to see what you would do if there was a REAL problem.

 

 

The AP entered into my life at that time. We started an EA and it went from there. I began to feel like it was what I was missing in my marriage. It was stupid, as I could have turned to my husband. I should have. I know that now.

 

the other thing you have to consider is an affair partner doesn't have the emotional and social baggage that your husband and you have together.

 

your AP doesn't have to go through the daily trials of parenthood with you, or the daily trials of married life with you while trying to raise a family. So of course AP can come to the table without all that.

 

so basically you both have responsibilities because of the kids you have together(AP does not), so the hard work of being a family has gotten him, you H, cheated on. I know what its like to be him. busting your hump for your family, still trying to keep the home fires stoked.....but one person felt a sense of entitlement.

 

so what are you doing to recommit to your marriage? hopefully if you are discussing the things that led to the "stagnation", that you aren't unfairly trying to pin it on him all the while him not knowing what you did.

[NowhereToHide]

if that is all, i'd hate to see what you would do if there was a REAL problem.

 

the other thing you have to consider is an affair partner doesn't have the emotional and social baggage that your husband and you have together.

 

your AP doesn't have to go through the daily trials of parenthood with you, or the daily trials of married life with you while trying to raise a family. So of course AP can come to the table without all that.

 

so basically you both have responsibilities because of the kids you have together(AP does not), so the hard work of being a family has gotten him, you H, cheated on. I know what its like to be him. busting your hump for your family, still trying to keep the home fires stoked.....but one person felt a sense of entitlement.

 

so what are you doing to recommit to your marriage? hopefully if you are discussing the things that led to the "stagnation", that you aren't unfairly trying to pin it on him all the while him not knowing what you did.

 

Hey, Dexter. You are right in your assessment of the excitement... of course, it was easier since I didn't have the same responsibilities with my xAP.

 

I have realized how little my H and I were focusing on each other before the affair. And since the affair, I have started truly focusing on him and on our family. We've started giving our marriage dedicated time which we never did prior. We put all of our effort into everything else, but our marriage... everything else came first. Now we are doing the opposite -- and I will say just by ME engaging, it has made him want to engage more.

 

I've never have and never will blame him for what I did. I've said all along it was all me. While the distance between us that existed before my A was the result of both of us, the A was all me. He didn't drive me to it, he wasn't the cause of it. I made the decision.

 

So, I haven't asked him to change anything. It is me that has changed. And in doing so, the "stagnation" is clearing.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hey, Dexter. You are right in your assessment of the excitement... of course, it was easier since I didn't have the same responsibilities with my xAP.

 

I have realized how little my H and I were focusing on each other before the affair. And since the affair, I have started truly focusing on him and on our family. We've started giving our marriage dedicated time which we never did prior. We put all of our effort into everything else, but our marriage... everything else came first. Now we are doing the opposite -- and I will say just by ME engaging, it has made him want to engage more.

 

I've never have and never will blame him for what I did. I've said all along it was all me. While the distance between us that existed before my A was the result of both of us, the A was all me. He didn't drive me to it, he wasn't the cause of it. I made the decision.

 

So, I haven't asked him to change anything. It is me that has changed. And in doing so, the "stagnation" is clearing.

 

you would be one of the rare "cheaters" that I can at least respect for owning your situation and not blaming him. kudos.

[Samantha0905]

The disclosure question, SAM, is not what I'm talking about. If you are going to try to use GOD to justify continued deceit, you better think again. Because I'm pretty sure that it won't fly.IMO.

 

Not using God for continued deceit. If that's what you got from that, you're not comprehending well.

[wheelwright]

I find all this talk of the right and wrong of cheating difficult. I fell in love with someone. It wouldn't have happened if my M had been healthy. Crikey, I've only fallen love twice and I'm 40.

 

There is pain in an affair, but for me I fell before anything happened. It was meant to be. It doesn't matter that there is stuff to sort out now and it is very unpleasant for everyone. Love drives us all, and that is a Christian, Taoist, etc. thing. God gave us this capacity to love. That love can confront people in later years after they are in an 'OK' reltionship that involves duty. Does no-one wonder why that happens? How do they know God did not intend us to enjoy every loving/giving relationship that comes our way? Is saying no to this love not worse?

 

How do you religious people know?

 

I reached the seventh heaven of ecstacy with my MM. As did he. What price not to do it?