Samantha0905 Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Does this mean you have moved back in with your H? Or do you still live in your apartment? Tell me...what reason did you give for leaving and for returning? I am obviously trying to get you to rethink your decision about the continued lies to him. This is the sin to which BJ was referring...the lie of omission...purposefully leaving out material facts which affect his (your H) life. Why deny him that choice? Perhaps IC and MC to begin to understand the why's and how's and the failures...to begin to reconnect. But, in order for that to happen...he MUST know the reality of his life and his M...something you deny him. I think you will find that your H can handle the truth. I have found it very rare for a BH to immediately file for D after discovery. In that window...a chance to truly heal the M. To truly heal the M. If you do not...like cancer...the lies grow... JW My intent was to let the OP know she did not have to go that route if she chooses not to do so. I do not agree with your position or with anyone else who has stated the position. If it's what you or they chose to do then fine, but telling the BS is not absolutely necessary for someone to move forward in their marriage. The affair is not the real issue in the marriage. The real issue(s) lie somewhere within the person or the marriage or a person would not fall prey to an affair. I think the biggest step toward healing the marriage is discovering what the underlying issues are and working on the marriage by trying to eliminate or come to terms with what is going on. Perhaps a counselor could help. I think if anyone thinks telling the BS is the ONLY route to someone saving their marriage, they are being dogmatic and arrogant in their thinking. Just because a person(s) think it is the right and only way to go does not make it so. There is no right or wrong to the question the OP posed. She knows herself. She knows her husband. She knows their marriage. In any event, I am not asking the question. I have no intention of telling my spouse. I've have decided that after praying and receiving forgiveness from God. I know the lie has been swept away. I believe it's not so much what you do, but your motivations for doing it. You speak of cancer -- well things are only a cancer when a person allows them to fester. If a person trusts in God's redeeming and cleansing spirit, they can move forward. I'll say it once more -- there is no lie or cancer there. As for my own husband being able to accept the truth -- I actually think he would handle it well. He loves me with all his heart and loves God. The thing is, I'm choosing not to tell him and hurt his spirit. I absolutely will not do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 I don't know your whole story, haven't looked back at your threads but... Are you saying your marriage was not "wounded" by your actions during the affair? Are you saying that you didn't behave in ways that wounded your H during the affair even if he didn't know WHY? Does your forgiveness from God also negate the effect your actions had on the people around you? It seems to me that in your brand of Christianity, the Christian God does not value integrity. Again not casting the kind of judgment you are speaking of...You do you. No, I did not say that at all. I know the affair was a sin. I know it caused destruction to my marriage, my spouse, my children, my ex-AP, and my soul. I have asked for forgiveness and am daily asking God to help me to know what actions to take to heal my marriage. I don't think making an announcement of betrayal will do anything to make my family happier, more peaceful or anything else. It would hurt them badly. You would have me hurt them more? I don't have a "brand" of Christianity. And God does value integrity. Those are the kinds of statements that sound judgmental. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 I know the lie has been swept away. Yes, it sounds like thats what has happened. Its been swept away, not dealt with and there is every chance that it will surface again in the future. Personally, I don't believe in sweeping issues/problems under the carpet, better to get any out in the open and dealt with. If you are so sure your husband will forgive you, why not tell him and get into counselling to deal with any marital issues including your affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Yes, it sounds like thats what has happened. Its been swept away, not dealt with and there is every chance that it will surface again in the future. Personally, I don't believe in sweeping issues/problems under the carpet, better to get any out in the open and dealt with. If you are so sure your husband will forgive you, why not tell him and get into counselling to deal with any marital issues including your affair. No. I am working on my marriage and on discovering the root of my infidelity. Mostly, I think it was the fact I allowed my relationship with God to become distant. There were other things going on -- daughter getting married, son heading off to college, remodeling a house -- it was a busy year. Those aren't excuses before the judgmental people start bringing down their hammers. It's just a fact there were a lot of stressful (some happy stress) events going on at the time. In any event, I've not said anything which should cause you to conclude my marriage is not being worked on. I'm glad you don't believe in sweeping things under the carpet. Thank you for sharing that. In fact, just the opposite is happening. Again, if you read the posts above you should be able to figure out I'm not going to tell my husband and I'm okay with that. I'm sorry if this seems to touch a nerve with some of you, but guess what? It's not your choice and just because someone thinks they are all knowing about how situations should be handled, it doesn't mean they are. It's a very personal choice and not yours to make. Thanks for sharing your opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Sorry but I just quoted your words - which were "swept away." Sounded like it was insignificant, when lets face it infidelity is by no means insignificant. I agree with it not being my choice to make. However, don't forget you are making a choice for your husband. You have decided to work at a marriage that he may not feel he would want to if he new the truth of your betrayal. Sorry but where is his choice in all this??? Or doesn't he count? Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Sorry but I just quoted your words - which were "swept away." Sounded like it was insignificant, when lets face it infidelity is by no means insignificant. I agree with it not being my choice to make. However, don't forget you are making a choice for your husband. You have decided to work at a marriage that he may not feel he would want to if he new the truth of your betrayal. Sorry but where is his choice in all this??? Or doesn't he count? Yes, I realized "swept away" was perhaps what bothered you. I don't mean it was insignificant. It was most definitely sin. And I shouldn't have said swept away. Perhaps, "wiped away" completely is more how I feel. Cleansed. Gone. I am recommitting to my marriage vows with God's help. I don't know if you read what I said earlier, but my husband and I have actually discussed at times in our marriage the fact we would rather not know if one of us were unfaithful if we had decided it was absolutely wrong and wanted to move forward towards saving the marriage. He counts. I am choosing not to hurt his heart. There's no need. I love him with all my heart and plan to work on our marriage. Why do you think he needs to know? I've confessed to God. It will take a while for me to move forward in complete happiness because I know I have sinned, but God has already forgiven me. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Sam, whether or not you tell, I really am indifferent. But when you use God to justify your continued lying, I take real exception. Too many times, people will use the Almighty to justify or condone the vilest and most destructive acts immaginable. You are continuing to lie, both to your self and your Husband, you aren't concerned about his welfare or have shown him any respect as a man. What you are doing, you do for your own selfish reasons, and because you are afraid to face the damage you have caused, by looking in your husband's eyes and telling him the truth. So continue to pray, because if you believe in God, you will need it. He knows all, and he know's that you are continuing to sin. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Sam, whether or not you tell, I really am indifferent. But when you use God to justify your continued lying, I take real exception. Too many times, people will use the Almighty to justify or condone the vilest and most destructive acts immaginable. You are continuing to lie, both to your self and your Husband, you aren't concerned about his welfare or have shown him any respect as a man. What you are doing, you do for your own selfish reasons, and because you are afraid to face the damage you have caused, by looking in your husband's eyes and telling him the truth. So continue to pray, because if you believe in God, you will need it. He knows all, and he know's that you are continuing to sin. You are wrong and being judgmental. I have not once used God to justify continued lying. I'm sorry you don't understand what I'm saying, but that is your problem. I think my husband and I will be fine without your blessing. And He who is all knowing has forgiven me. I hope you come to understand His redeeming spirit one day. Best wishes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 That you have not the courage of faith to be truthful with your husband, shows how much real faith you have. That you believe that your affair is "un-made", by your supposed confession shows how truly deluded you are. I wish and hope that you will acheive true faith, someday.:) Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 That you have not the courage of faith to be truthful with your husband, shows how much real faith you have. That you believe that your affair is "un-made", by your supposed confession shows how truly deluded you are. I wish and hope that you will acheive true faith, someday.:) Thank you sunshine. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Sam, remind me of this post, when you are an established member. So I can PM you about it. You really don't know me, and you haven't understood a single thing I have said. I am NOT religious , AT ALL. Some people just do not recognize the term "parody" We all take ourselves wayyyyy too seriously here on LS.:rolleyes::rolleyes: Sorry for the TJ. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Samatha, I'm confused. I just read this post from you http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2446187&postcount=2 Your affair only ended ONE week ago and you're talking about commiting to your marriage?! Unless I'm not correct?! Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Sam, remind me of this post, when you are an established member. So I can PM you about it. You really don't know me, and you haven't understood a single thing I have said. I am NOT religious , AT ALL. Some people just do not recognize the term "parody" We all take ourselves wayyyyy too seriously here on LS.:rolleyes::rolleyes: Sorry for the TJ. What's the TJ? If you're not religious at all, I certainly don't need you advice as to whether or not my God has forgiven me. I don't take any of this that seriously -- just like reading varying opinions. It's give me food for thought. Samatha, I'm confused. I just read this post from you http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2446187&postcount=2 Your affair only ended ONE week ago and you're talking about commiting to your marriage?! Unless I'm not correct?! Can someone not be a week away from their affair ending and working on their marriage? When do you suggest one begins? Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 What's the TJ? Can someone not be a week away from their affair ending and working on their marriage? When do you suggest one begins? Sure they can, but you talk like you've been working on your marriage for months and months with all this talk of finding God and working on your marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Sure they can, but you talk like you've been working on your marriage for months and months with all this talk of finding God and working on your marriage! I never said months and months. I mean, you just found a post where I'm obviously being up front about when my ex-AP and I completely broke things off. And I didn't just find God. Goodness. I think y'all read what you want to read regardless of what a person has typed. I became a Christian when I was 14. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 What's the TJ? TJ = Thread Jacking... that means you have moved away from the original intent of the thread and started a secondary thread within the thread, for example, your continued back and forth about your "religious convictions".. You are thread jacking and probably should move your conversation by starting a new thread so that this one can get back on track.. Link to post Share on other sites
Samantha0905 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 TJ = Thread Jacking... that means you have moved away from the original intent of the thread and started a secondary thread within the thread, for example, your continued back and forth about your "religious convictions".. You are thread jacking and probably should move your conversation by starting a new thread so that this one can get back on track.. Oh -- thanks and I truly did not intend for that to happen! I said a while ago that I was just trying to respond to the OP and didn't want to take over the thread, but they kept bringing it back to me and asking questions or telling me how I REALLY feel or questioning me about my faith. In any event -- thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Oh -- thanks and I truly did not intend for that to happen! I said a while ago that I was just trying to respond to the OP and didn't want to take over the thread, but they kept bringing it back to me and asking questions or telling me how I REALLY feel or questioning me about my faith. In any event -- thank you. Anytime. We all have had to learn the "lingo" here.. I am sure there is a thread somewhere on what all the initials mean... it gets confusing sometimes... Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I never said months and months. I mean, you just found a post where I'm obviously being up front about when my ex-AP and I completely broke things off. And I didn't just find God. Goodness. I think y'all read what you want to read regardless of what a person has typed. I became a Christian when I was 14. I know you never said months and months, but you are talking like you've been working on your marriage for months and months, but in reality, you've worked on it, what? A few days?! Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 (edited) Yes, I realized "swept away" was perhaps what bothered you. I don't mean it was insignificant. It was most definitely sin. And I shouldn't have said swept away. Perhaps, "wiped away" completely is more how I feel. Cleansed. Gone. I am recommitting to my marriage vows with God's help. I don't know if you read what I said earlier, but my husband and I have actually discussed at times in our marriage the fact we would rather not know if one of us were unfaithful if we had decided it was absolutely wrong and wanted to move forward towards saving the marriage. He counts. I am choosing not to hurt his heart. There's no need. I love him with all my heart and plan to work on our marriage. Why do you think he needs to know? I've confessed to God. It will take a while for me to move forward in complete happiness because I know I have sinned, but God has already forgiven me. A marriage is between 2 people and therefore follows that it takes those 2 people to make it work. If its broke which yours obviously is since you had an affair, then how on earth do you think you can fix it on your own? I don't know Samantha, it just seems to me you are afraid to face him with what you have done. I think you are hiding behind excuses not to tell him. Witholding the information is so disrespectful. I think that if you want to make a go at getting your marriage back on track, you should consider telling your H of your affair. That way you get everything out in the open and your H is also clear on what needs to be changed to make your marriage better and able to stand the test of time. Edited October 22, 2009 by LifesontheUp Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I have been trying to recommit to my marriage for the past year, but upon the recent discovery of another A on my H's part... well let's just say at the moment I am committing for the kids and nothing else. I at this moment do not feel like saving my marriage and I am contemplating the steps I need to take now to exit my marriage peacefully. I am going to start MC soon with my H not sure how much that will help as I cannot see past my anger for him now. As far as my xOM is concerned... I no longer feel the longing for him that I once had and do not miss him. I am not sure why I had an affair with him except that it was a revenge affair. My xOM was a very good firend before we embarked on an affair. I have no ill feelings towards him and wish him the best on his own relationship with his SO. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I have been trying to recommit to my marriage for the past year, but upon the recent discovery of another A on my H's part... well let's just say at the moment I am committing for the kids and nothing else. I at this moment do not feel like saving my marriage and I am contemplating the steps I need to take now to exit my marriage peacefully. I am going to start MC soon with my H not sure how much that will help as I cannot see past my anger for him now. As far as my xOM is concerned... I no longer feel the longing for him that I once had and do not miss him. I am not sure why I had an affair with him except that it was a revenge affair. My xOM was a very good firend before we embarked on an affair. I have no ill feelings towards him and wish him the best on his own relationship with his SO. I would scrap the MC and use the money to take a nice vacation somewhere alone to party and have fun. Why go to MC if you are done? Go have some fun, your husband sounds like he needs the help! hug Link to post Share on other sites
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