Any MOW recommitting to their marriages?

[PhoenixRise]

Not using God for continued deceit. If that's what you got from that, you're not comprehending well.

 

 

Funny.

 

From what I remember of my Christian days God's forgiveness gives you a "get out of Hell free card" when you have sinned and been forgiven.

 

NOT A "now you can avoid all Earthly consequences for our actions card".

 

Maybe I am remembering wrong though.

[Samantha0905]

Funny.

 

From what I remember of my Christian days God's forgiveness gives you a "get out of Hell free card" when you have sinned and been forgiven.

 

NOT A "now you can avoid all Earthly consequences for our actions card".

 

Maybe I am remembering wrong though.

 

 

From your "Christian days?"

 

How in the world do you think all earthly consequences have been avoided? A person who commits an affair -- well, at least me -- suffers consequences. Just because it's not the exact one some people may feel should occur doesn't mean there aren't suffered consequences. I personally think it's more difficult to keep it to oneself than to share it with one's husband. I'm not going out of my way to hurt him any further.

 

Luckily, I don't have to answer to people and the One I have to answer to has forgiven me.

[Samantha0905]

I find all this talk of the right and wrong of cheating difficult. I fell in love with someone. It wouldn't have happened if my M had been healthy. Crikey, I've only fallen love twice and I'm 40.

 

There is pain in an affair, but for me I fell before anything happened. It was meant to be. It doesn't matter that there is stuff to sort out now and it is very unpleasant for everyone. Love drives us all, and that is a Christian, Taoist, etc. thing. God gave us this capacity to love. That love can confront people in later years after they are in an 'OK' reltionship that involves duty. Does no-one wonder why that happens? How do they know God did not intend us to enjoy every loving/giving relationship that comes our way? Is saying no to this love not worse?

 

How do you religious people know?

 

I reached the seventh heaven of ecstacy with my MM. As did he. What price not to do it?

 

I'm 48 and have only been in love twice also. I'm not judging you. I'm not even in an okay relationship that involves only duty. I love my husband and he's very good to me and a good man. I was at a difficult time in life becoming an empty nester, vulnerable and I made a mistake. I know it was a mistake because I broke my wedding vows and I made those before God.

 

Now, I don't think I will ever be able to say I regretted meeting the OM. He played a part in my life at a difficult time, and yes -- the friendship and love making was wonderful. I miss him, but I did not love him in the right way. It was a relationship with a foundation that involved lying to others, breaking vows, etc. I know I didn't love him enough to break up my family, hurt my children, the future with the grandchildren as it should be, etc.

 

So, it ended.

[fooled once]

Hi NTH

 

I am an xMOW now separated from my H but in MC trying to reconcile. I spent the longest time wrestling my guilt over the A. In the end I left the marriage to try to work out what the hell was going on for me. Soon after that the A ended (horribly).

 

I made the decision to tell my H the whole truth. He knew about the xMM but not that we had remained in contact after D day. I knew that if I was ever going to be a whole person again I had to tell the truth, at that stage I did not have hope for reconciling my marriage, I simply needed to be honest with myself and those that had a right to know. I also told my children (not in great detail ) about the A and this helped them make sense of what was happening with my H and I.

 

My H and kids did not judge me ... they love me and want me back home. I am doing IC and MC to try and learn how to accept myself again so that I may be able to do the work needed to be in a marriage again with my H. We are all staying hopeful but it is not easy for any of us.

 

My A lasted almost two years and I HAVE to grieve the end of that relationship and I am doing that openly with my H alongside. It takes one hell of a man to be able to endure that ... but there can be no short-cuts and we both know that. I do not lie to him about any part of this process for me .... and we are making progress. Baby steps though.

 

After 18yrs together we do not want to throw away the equity we have built up in the relationship. No-one will ever love your children as much as their own mum and dad. I didn't have that luxury growing up and I'm going to do what I can to give that to my kids.

 

Thru IC I have learned that my A relates to my unmet needs as a child, it sounds cliche but it isn't. Do the work you need to do to understand your vulnerabilities so you can avoid making seriously wrong choices again in the future.

 

But, the bottom line is ... you need to tell him the truth, it is the only way to find out if the two of you have got what it takes to rebuild the marriage.

 

And good luck ....... I know how hard this is.

 

AR (hug)

 

You are AWESOME! You really are on a new journey and I know you and H will be able to survive the infidelity and come together as a new couple. You have such a great spirit and I am incredibly proud to call you my friend!

[PhoenixRise]

From your "Christian days?"

 

How in the world do you think all earthly consequences have been avoided? A person who commits an affair -- well, at least me -- suffers consequences. Just because it's not the exact one some people may feel should occur doesn't mean there aren't suffered consequences. I personally think it's more difficult to keep it to oneself than to share it with one's husband. I'm not going out of my way to hurt him any further.

 

Luckily, I don't have to answer to people and the One I have to answer to has forgiven me.

 

Because you posted about the OP forgiving herself and loving her self and releasing her guilt and presto...it is all good.

 

You said said nothing about the normal consequences that follow an affair. In fact, you used God's forgiveness as a way to avoid those consequences. Basically God has forgiven you so you are all brand new and if your husband never finds out.....well then hallelujah. You aren't avoiding hurting your H. You are saving your own a$$. But you are right you don't have to answer to anybody here.

 

OP I am sorry that you are in pain now. I am sure that you are beating yourself up about what you did and since your dday is so recent I get it that you are still confused and hurting.

 

I think you are getting good advise regarding putting your focus on your m and H.

 

Yes you are hurting....I think that people are just trying to tell you that if you really want your husband, have really rediscovered what it is you love about him and want to save the marriage... you can't afford to "wallow" in your pain over MM because your H is dealing with his own pain. If he is/was as good a man/husband as you say then he knows that he was a good man to you and you didn't appreciate him.

 

The more he sees you weep over MM the less he will believe you when you tell him you love him. The less he will believe he is your choice and not just your default position. The less he will be able to believe you are choosing him for his own sake not the sake of your Kids/family.

 

 

Good Luck with your marital recovery. I hope everything goes well for you.

[Samantha0905]

Because you posted about the OP forgiving herself and loving her self and releasing her guilt and presto...it is all good.

 

You said said nothing about the normal consequences that follow an affair. In fact, you used God's forgiveness as a way to avoid those consequences. Basically God has forgiven you so you are all brand new and if your husband never finds out.....well then hallelujah. You aren't avoiding hurting your H. You are saving your own a$$. But you are right you don't have to answer to anybody here.

 

 

I hope everything goes well for her too and I did not say "presto" anything. I discussed the pain involved and the fact the person who has committed the affair suffers with guilt, forgiving themselves, etc.

 

I simply tried to convey to her she does not have to confess to her husband and she can move on with her marriage, forgiving herself. She can put her efforts into her marriage and her husband, try to understand what made her vulnerable, work on that and move forward encouraged.

 

Normal consequences? What are "normal" consequences in your opinion?

 

The hallelujah comment sounds like bitterness on your part. I can't be sure, but that's what it sounds like.

 

God's forgiveness for me has nothing to do with me avoiding consequences. I know I will face His judgment, therefore I certainly don't need to be worried about yours.

 

And I am avoiding hurting my husband. You don't know me. You don't know my heart. I love him very much and do not want him to be hurt. I made a mistake that would hurt him very much if I chose to let that happen. Luckily, he did not find out and did not have to deal with the enormous pain of a DD. I hope his heart remains unhurt for the rest of his life.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i'd have to say that i would not want to know the affair happened if my spouse decided to stay with me and commit to our marriage. i cannot bear to see the pain my H goes through while living the thoughts in his head over and over again. i dont think youre doing anything wrong by not telling him. i told EVERYTHING because i thought i needed to and because i had been caught.

 

i do however think once your caught you need to tell it all. because telling only part is continuing the lies and you cannot begin to heal from the pain of an affair when the WS is still lying to you .

[PhoenixRise]

I hope everything goes well for her too and I did not say "presto" anything. I discussed the pain involved and the fact the person who has committed the affair suffers with guilt, forgiving themselves, etc.

 

I simply tried to convey to her she does not have to confess to her husband and she can move on with her marriage, forgiving herself. She can put her efforts into her marriage and her husband, try to understand what made her vulnerable, work on that and move forward encouraged.

 

Normal consequences? What are "normal" consequences in your opinion?

 

The hallelujah comment sounds like bitterness on your part. I can't be sure, but that's what it sounds like.

 

God's forgiveness for me has nothing to do with me avoiding consequences. I know I will face His judgment, therefore I certainly don't need to be worried about yours.

 

And I am avoiding hurting my husband. You don't know me. You don't know my heart. I love him very much and do not want him to be hurt. I made a mistake that would hurt him very much if I chose to let that happen. Luckily, he did not find out and did not have to deal with the enormous pain of a DD. I hope his heart remains unhurt for the rest of his life.

 

 

I wasn't quoting you as saying "presto" just saying that is the impression that came accross in your post.

 

Regarding "bitterness" bitter is a loaded word on these boards and I have never had it applied to me. I am not bitter regarding the infidelity I dealt with in my own life and I am not bitter regarding religion or Christianity.

 

Guilt is a normal consequence of an affair.

 

Loss of trust is a normal consequence of an affair

 

Loss of self worth is a normal consequence of an affair for those who don't sleep with MM for sport.

 

destruction of intimacy and erosion of the marriage is a normal consequence of an affair whether there is a dday or not.

 

The destruction of a person's character due to constantly lying and deceiving the spouse they have to look in the eye everyday is a normal consequence of an affair (again, unless they cheat for sport).

 

BTW. I am not judging you in the way that you think so I would NEVER want you to be worried about that. You do You .

 

It is just very convenient that your devotion to God happened in time to absolve you of the need to be honest with your husband regarding your affair but NOT in enough time to keep you from cheating in the first place. Seems a little self serving.

[Samantha0905]

I was a MOW that got involved with a MOM.

 

We had a 3 month affair, mostly emotional (physical once). It was the biggest mistake of my life. I have not told my husband (yet) and for many reasons I probably won't.

 

Are there any other married OW that are recommitting to their marriages? What are you doing that is or isn't working?

 

In response to you, yes I am recommitting to my marriage. I'm just beginning though, but I truly believe if I go out of my way to be kind to my husband, show him the attention and excitement about him that I've shown to my ex-AP, that would be a great start.

 

It's hard. Marriage is different from an affair -- obviously. As people point out on this site -- the AP has it easy in some ways because they are idolized. They are thought of as "not like the husband/wife" etc. Well, the reason they aren't that way is because you have not shared life responsibilities with them -- raising children, paying bills, cleaning house -- real life stuff.

 

I've been married 27 years. I'm proud of 26 of those years where I was a wonderful wife and mother. Could I condemn myself completely over my affair, condemn myself to despair and flog myself? Sure. Will I? Absolutely not. I have condemned myself some, cried, been heartbroken, ashamed of myself, etc.? Yes. Am I completely over that? No. It will take a while. But I have had a wonderful relationship for a long time. A lot longer than some and I've raised beautiful children who feel loved. That's something. That's a lot.

 

Will I ever forget it all -- the affair, I mean? I'm not sure. If I commit myself to letting God let me forget -- it would happen. I'm not there yet.

 

Will I tell my husband? A resounding no. If that changes, I'll let you know. Right now, I see no reason to hurt his heart.

 

I'm trying right now to see what I can do to work completely and sincerely on my marriage. It is hard because I do have feelings for the ex-AP. I think a lot of that has to do with codependency, addiction, etc. As long as the feelings are there, however, it's difficult to put 100% of me into my husband. I need to though and pray about it every day. I know I can do it with God's help.

 

There is a good thing I found online to read -- I believe it's called "31 reasons to Stop An Affair." I agreed with about 90% of it and it's worth reading. It does suggest you tell your spouse. As I said, I agree with 90% of it. People aren't infallible -- not me -- not others who have posted here -- not you. I hope you find what works best for your relationship with God in this world, your relationship with your husband and with yourself. Just don't minimize who you are.

 

http://www.affairrecovery.com/sites/default/files/31Reasons_0.pdf

 

I'm also reading an excellent book -- I don't know if it is something you will relate to in your journey -- but it is called "The Dance of the Dissident Daugher" by Sue Monk Kidd. It's not about affairs, but about women and our place in this world. I certainly related to it and it's helping me to understand why I was where I was when I was vulnerable.

 

Best of luck to you in finding happiness in your marriage and in life in general.

[Samantha0905]

I wasn't quoting you as saying "presto" just saying that is the impression that came accross in your post.

 

Regarding "bitterness" bitter is a loaded word on these boards and I have never had it applied to me. I am not bitter regarding the infidelity I dealt with in my own life and I am not bitter regarding religion or Christianity.

 

Guilt is a normal consequence of an affair.

 

Loss of trust is a normal consequence of an affair

 

Loss of self worth is a normal consequence of an affair for those who don't sleep with MM for sport.

 

destruction of intimacy and erosion of the marriage is a normal consequence of an affair whether there is a dday or not.

 

The destruction of a person's character due to constantly lying and deceiving the spouse they have to look in the eye everyday is a normal consequence of an affair (again, unless they cheat for sport).

 

BTW. I am not judging you in the way that you think so I would NEVER want you to be worried about that. You do You .

 

It is just very convenient that your devotion to God happened in time to absolve you of the need to be honest with your husband regarding your affair but NOT in enough time to keep you from cheating in the first place. Seems a little self serving.

 

I was with you the whole way until you got to the convenient part. It's not convenient! There's nothing convenient about it. Give me a break. I've always loved God and have known I was separating myself from Him. Believe me -- there have been times when those feelings have not been convenient to MY wants in life. You are passing judgment and you need to think about that for yourself. I'm not worried. I'm just discussing. I wish I had had the strength of character to stay close to Him the entire way -- throughout my entire life. I am NOT perfect. I can only think of one person who was. You are attributing bad things to me because I'm not doing what YOU think is right. We have a different opinion about it. That is all. You think I should have thought of all of this in advance -- and maybe I should have -- but we all sin. We all make mistakes.

 

I know what I did was self-serving. What I'm doing in not telling my husband is absolutely not self-serving. You think what you will. I don't want his heart to hurt. I want to build him up in life. If I'm wrong, I'll pay for it via God. He does not deserve that hurt.

[PhoenixRise]

i'd have to say that i would not want to know the affair happened if my spouse decided to stay with me and commit to our marriage. i cannot bear to see the pain my H goes through while living the thoughts in his head over and over again. i dont think youre doing anything wrong by not telling him. i told EVERYTHING because i thought i needed to and because i had been caught.

 

i do however think once your caught you need to tell it all. because telling only part is continuing the lies and you cannot begin to heal from the pain of an affair when the WS is still lying to you .

 

 

Browneyedgirl.

 

I know there are varying opinions about telling or not telling. I will add my two cents.

 

I think it is impossible to establish true intimacy in a relationship when one of the parties is holding on to a huge secret. I think most people, when they do the wrong thing, when they knowingly do something that will cause harm feel tremendous guilt. Do you think you would be ok if the affair just ended on its own without it being found out and down the road your husband expressed to you how much he loves and depends on you and that he has always been able to trust you? How do you think it would feel to look into his eyes as he said this? Under normal circumstances a heartfealt declaration like this would feel good to anybody. But what if you were still hiding the secret of the affair?

 

Do you think you could accept the kind of unconditional love from your husband that you crave while knowing that you had an affair and he doesn't know? Do you think you would feel that you deserve it? Do you think it might make you feel worse and perhaps even create a wedge in the marriage.

 

I don't think affairs harm just the emotional well being of just the BS, I think it also causes harm to the AP. To me.. if you just cover up a wound and pretend it isn't there, there is a good chance that it will quietly get infected and get worse over time. I think it would eventually erode your self esteem and further damage the marriage and the marriage would never have the intimacy that both spouses deserve. IMO.

 

I hope things work out for you.

[Samantha0905]

i'd have to say that i would not want to know the affair happened if my spouse decided to stay with me and commit to our marriage. i cannot bear to see the pain my H goes through while living the thoughts in his head over and over again. i dont think youre doing anything wrong by not telling him. i told EVERYTHING because i thought i needed to and because i had been caught.

 

i do however think once your caught you need to tell it all. because telling only part is continuing the lies and you cannot begin to heal from the pain of an affair when the WS is still lying to you .

 

I agree with you. I'm sorry for what you've been through.

[Samantha0905]

I don't think affairs harm just the emotional well being of just the BS, I think it also causes harm to the AP. To me.. if you just cover up a wound and pretend it isn't there, there is a good chance that it will quietly get infected and get worse over time. I think it would eventually erode your self esteem and further damage the marriage and the marriage would never have the intimacy that both spouses deserve. IMO.

 

I hope things work out for you.

 

Sure the affair does harm to the AP. Absolutely. What if you're not just "covering up" the wound? What if you've confessed the sin, been forgiven of it and it is no longer there? What if you actually believed God when he said He could do that? What if through God you don't allow past sins (wounds) to become infected? You accept the forgiveness and move forward? What if things get better over time through God? What if your self esteem is lifted up through your relationship with Him? What if He helps you to make your relationship with Him and your marriage relationship what it should be? What if that produced true intimacy?

 

What if that happened despite the judgment people throw at you regarding past sins and their expectation of what you should do?

[boldjack]

Samantha, You can make as many excuses as you like , but that will not change what you have done, and the Lord will not forgive, unless you have confessed to the person that you have wronged. No legitimate church believes otherwise. Sorry.

[NowhereToHide]

Samantha, You can make as many excuses as you like , but that will not change what you have done, and the Lord will not forgive, unless you have confessed to the person that you have wronged. No legitimate church believes otherwise. Sorry.

 

Sorry, Boldjack. This isn't true. I attend a "legitimate" church and not every pastor or priest will tell you to confess. It is not the only path to forgiveness.

[boldjack]

NWH, I am only recounting what the Pastor said, and this was also echoed by the Orthdox priest, and by the RC priest. I went into this question at some length, when I decided to stop cheating. Facing your victims was considered paramount. If your experience was different, I can't account for that. I am just telling you, what was told to me. Please don't jump on everything I say. I'm just the messenger.

[Samantha0905]

Samantha, You can make as many excuses as you like , but that will not change what you have done, and the Lord will not forgive, unless you have confessed to the person that you have wronged. No legitimate church believes otherwise. Sorry.

 

I don't need forgiveness from a "legitimate" church from the world's standpoint. I need it from God and from Jesus -- the cornerstone of the true church.

 

From Campus Crusade for Christ:

 

Have you ever questioned Christ's forgiveness? If so, I have good news for you. Christ's death, in your place, is the basis for your forgiveness. Because of Christ's substitutionary death on the cross, your forgiveness is not merely a hope. It is fact!

 

Christ paid the price for all of your sins -- totally, once and for all. If you are a Christian, all of your sins -- past, present, and future -- have been forgiven. You cannot add anything to what Christ has already done for you.

 

Pleadings, tears, personal efforts, and religious ritual cannot reconcile you to God. That has already taken place -- the moment you confessed your sins and placed your faith in Christ as your Savior and Lord.

 

Hebrews 10 proclaims:

 

Under this new plan we have been forgiven and made clean by Christ's dying for us once and for all.

 

For by that one offering he made forever perfect in the sight of God all those whom he is making holy.

 

Now, when sins have once been forever forgiven and forgotten, there is no need to offer more sacrifices to get rid of them (Hebrews 10:10,14,18 TLB).

 

To receive God's forgiveness, simply confess your sin and accept his forgiveness by faith. I call this process "Spiritual Breathing."

 

Just as you exhale and inhale physically, so you must also breathe spiritually.

 

You exhale spiritually when you confess your sins. The Bible promises that if you confess your sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive you and to purify you from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9)

 

David, from the depths of his experience, shares this admonition from his heart: "Now I say that each believer should confess his sins to God when he is aware of them, while there is time to be forgiven. Judgment will not touch him if he does" (Psalm 32:6, TLB).

 

By faith you can simply claim as true what Jesus Christ has said and done for you. By faith you can view yourself as God views you, as His child -- loved, forgiven, and cleansed. By faith you can confess your sins and repent. And by faith you can accept God's forgiveness and cleansing.

 

 

 

[boldjack]

Samantha, I'm not a religious person, so your new age stuff is wasted on me. I am just relating, what I was told. Do what you want with it.

[Samantha0905]

Samantha, I'm not a religious person, so your new age stuff is wasted on me. I am just relating, what I was told. Do what you want with it.

 

That's New Testament stuff.

[Samantha0905]

NWH, I am only recounting what the Pastor said, and this was also echoed by the Orthdox priest, and by the RC priest. I went into this question at some length, when I decided to stop cheating. Facing your victims was considered paramount. If your experience was different, I can't account for that. I am just telling you, what was told to me. Please don't jump on everything I say. I'm just the messenger.

 

And if you're not "religious" -- a term like by some here apparently -- -- what was all of the above about? You just felt like checking out the opinions of "religious" people regarding your affair?

[boldjack]

Well, in all of that I could not find that you can continue to lie and be forgiven. Every day you don't tell him is a new day of sin, think about it.

[Samantha0905]

Well, in all of that I could not find that you can continue to lie and be forgiven. Every day you don't tell him is a new day of sin, think about it.

 

No it isn't. I'm not continuing a lie. I'm forgiven and moving forward cleansed by Christ. No lie left. Presto as someone said earlier. Not a presto I can produce personally, but a product of grace through faith. It's definitely an undeserved blessing which I truly appreciate.

 

And again I stress -- I had to tell Him in true repentence. Capital "H."

 

In any event, it's later in the Southeastern United States than it is in Japan. Sweet dreams!

[boldjack]

Oh, don't worry about the "Kamakura", thing, I change it to suit my whim, Good night.:)

[jwi71]

What if He helps you to make your relationship with Him and your marriage relationship what it should be? What if that produced true intimacy?

 

Does this mean you have moved back in with your H? Or do you still live in your apartment? Tell me...what reason did you give for leaving and for returning?

 

I am obviously trying to get you to rethink your decision about the continued lies to him. This is the sin to which BJ was referring...the lie of omission...purposefully leaving out material facts which affect his (your H) life. Why deny him that choice?

 

Perhaps IC and MC to begin to understand the why's and how's and the failures...to begin to reconnect. But, in order for that to happen...he MUST know the reality of his life and his M...something you deny him.

 

I think you will find that your H can handle the truth. I have found it very rare for a BH to immediately file for D after discovery. In that window...a chance to truly heal the M. To truly heal the M.

 

If you do not...like cancer...the lies grow...

 

JW

[PhoenixRise]

Sure the affair does harm to the AP. Absolutely. What if you're not just "covering up" the wound? What if you've confessed the sin, been forgiven of it and it is no longer there? What if you actually believed God when he said He could do that? What if through God you don't allow past sins (wounds) to become infected? You accept the forgiveness and move forward? What if things get better over time through God? What if your self esteem is lifted up through your relationship with Him? What if He helps you to make your relationship with Him and your marriage relationship what it should be? What if that produced true intimacy?

 

What if that happened despite the judgment people throw at you regarding past sins and their expectation of what you should do?

 

 

I don't know your whole story, haven't looked back at your threads but...

 

Are you saying your marriage was not "wounded" by your actions during the affair? Are you saying that you didn't behave in ways that wounded your H during the affair even if he didn't know WHY?

 

Does your forgiveness from God also negate the effect your actions had on the people around you?

 

It seems to me that in your brand of Christianity, the Christian God does not value integrity.

 

Again not casting the kind of judgment you are speaking of...You do you.