Taking Baby Steps But I'm Already In Deep

[justforfun]

Glad I found this forum!

 

I'm pretty new to this but here is my story. He is a married co-worker. When I first saw him I was blown away by my physical attraction to him. He has always felt the same way. Although he has been more direct about it towards me than I have to him. The flirting has gone on for a year and a half. I've recently taken some time off work and during this time we have been exchanging more and more explicit emails and texts.

 

He is amazed and thrilled at the prospect of getting together. This is giving me such a thrill. I had been teasing him mercilessly for the days before we met up. I made it clear that I expect this to go on for a while. Well, we have to work through every fantasy we have shared and this could take time. He's so excited at this and so am I.

 

We met a last week. Not for sex. Although we both wish it was. But again I'm enjoying the teasing. It was our first kiss (raunchy not loving). And also the first time we have seen each other since we decided to go ahead with this. We fooled around in the car but that was it.

 

I have no delusions about this. Cliche I know. But he is 15 years younger than me. He has responsibilities, two small children and a wife he has been with since grade school. I've read all the articles I can find on cheating and unfortunately she has fallen into the role of a 'typical' wife who gets cheated on and he the 'typical' husband who cheats.

 

We used to talk about how he could fix this but he has absolutely inclination to do this. I'm past thinking about his wife and family. I don't see myself as a threat to their marriage. Another cliche! But I don't want him permanently in my life...he's far to young. He drinks, goes clubbing and womanizes. Not my ideal of a partner. I've also recently met someone (just a cpl of weeks ago) who has relationship potential. We're similar ages and share a lot in common. All that good stuff. Trouble is a came to find out, a couple of days after meeting up with my MM, that sexually it would be hell of an uphill climb to be compatible.

 

But I'm dying for great sex. The adoration. The stamina. I'm absolutely aching for this.

 

Sounds simple. I'm sure it's not!

[fooled once]

I am not sure I even understand your post.

 

Your post actually reads like a teenage girl and her first boy friend:laugh:

 

So you want to have sex with your married co-worker; you don't care about his family (wife and kids); you just want what you want and you and he are gonna make the sheets burn when you have sex. You don't want a relationship, just a boy toy who tells you how beautiful you are, how wonderful you are, how sexy you are, etc...

 

BUT, you recently met a man who could be relationship potential.

 

And that is where you lost me with your post lol

[justforfun]

Teenage girl and her first boyfriend. Wow...that sounds exciting. Maybe I should just do it.

 

You summed up a couple of points so I'm not sure where you got lost or which part you were unable to understand. I'll do my best to clarify.

 

A married co-worker wants to have sex with me. He doesn't care about his family (his wife and kids). He just wants what he wants. He wants to make my sheets burn when we have sex. He doesn't want a relationship, just an older woman who makes him feel sexually confident and strokes his ego etc.

 

I recently met a guy who has relationship potential. But I have since found out that he has the smallest penis I have seen in a long time. Not satisfying at all.

 

Did I find you again?

 

I am not sure I even understand your post.

 

Your post actually reads like a teenage girl and her first boy friend:laugh:

 

So you want to have sex with your married co-worker; you don't care about his family (wife and kids); you just want what you want and you and he are gonna make the sheets burn when you have sex. You don't want a relationship, just a boy toy who tells you how beautiful you are, how wonderful you are, how sexy you are, etc...

 

BUT, you recently met a man who could be relationship potential.

 

And that is where you lost me with your post lol

[Devil Inside]

JFF...nothing is ever that simple.

 

There are many ways that this could play out if you have sex with him. Just be aware of what you may be signing up for, because it may not be worth it.

 

1. You could have great sex, neither getting too emotionally attached, he never being caught or feeling guilty, and you end it in due time and no one is the wiser.

 

OR

 

2. Either one of you gets strong feelings for the other...and they are not reciprocated...setting up a painful situation. Or they do get reciprocated and he starts to really think about leaving his wife...mess.

 

OR

 

3. He gets caught or he feels really guilty and confesses. Now you have a wife that is pissed off. He may give you up and now you have to deal with her, and maybe even a mess at work if she tells him that you two can't have contact at work.

 

 

In the end...it is a lot of stuff to deal with for a piece of a$$. If you are such a cougar I'm sure you can find an available young guy that will be more than happy to rock your world no strings attached.

 

Besides, the thrill is usually in the chase...what if he sucks in bed? Then what?

 

Good luck

[norajane]

Ew, a co-worker. The worst kind of MM to get involved with. Puts your career on the line. If he's talking to you, how do you know he won't talk to someone else at work about what you two are up to? Just a hint or two or a leer or inappropriate comment in front of others and your reputation at work is shot.

 

You should also consider that getting involved and staying involved with him will likely prevent you from getting involved with someone you really can care about and can develop a good relationship with, both emotionally and sexually. You'll get so caught up in this MM, that the others will drop off until he becomes your focus. The blinders will come on and no one else will measure up. That is, if this guy can perform as big as he talks.

 

Move on. You can do better than some young guy who doesn't give a damn about his wife, the mother of his children or his family's well-being. If he's that selfish with the people he supposedly loves, believe me, he's going to be selfish sexually, too. And when it ends, he won't give a damn about you, either, which brings us back to jeopardizing your reputation at work and your career.

[justforfun]

Thanks both of you for your responses.

 

I did read through a similar thread. The difference was she had not engaged in anything beyond a kiss with the MM. The advice to gain back her dignity really struck a chord in me. Thing is I would but I feel like I have lost some dignity by 'fooling around'. (I actually gave him oral sex in the car...classsy huh?). I feel almost tarnished myself. Does anyone understand that feeling?

 

For the past year or so I we've flirted but I never had any intention of taking it further. I'll be back at work next week and things could easily have gone back to meaningless flirting if none of this had happened. But I feel as though I have humiliated myself.

 

How do I get my dignity back?

[justforfun]

In the end...it is a lot of stuff to deal with for a piece of a$$. If you are such a cougar I'm sure you can find an available young guy that will be more than happy to rock your world no strings attached.

 

PM me

[fooled once]

thanks for clarifying -- I wasn't sure what the problem with the new guy was.

 

I have to agree with Nora -- workplace relationships COULD cost you your job (or him his job).

 

I know you are enjoying the attention and the excitement of it all, but if I were you, and this is just my opinion, I would find some other person to get involved with.

 

I get it that you aren't concerned about his wife and family, but do you need his wife showing up at work and going off on you? Do you need her getting a hold of your supervisor? Do you need her spreading gossip about you?

 

Life is too short to have your career ruined or jeopardized by this guy. Plenty of single fish in the sea!

[norajane]

How do I get my dignity back?

 

Well, maybe you can end things with dignity.

 

Just smile, be polite, but don't give him any openings to be alone with you. Reject offers of getting together for drinks or lunch by saying you have work to do, or you have other plans. Reject any offers to continue this thing with a smile, and "thanks, but I've given it some more thought, and I really don't want to get involved. It's not a good idea." Don't engage him in any more flirtation. Be busy and do your job - don't waste any more time on him.

 

He'll move on to greener pastures eventually when he sees you won't keep stroking his ego or anything else.

[justforfun]

Looks like I'll be sticking around for a bit longer for another dose of reality.

 

Bad start to the day. I went into work today and I found myself waiting for him to get there. When he did he acted completely normally. I found it hard to look him in the eye. He wasn't fazed at all and actually pushed it until I did. Not a flicker of anything.

 

The only difference was that I passed him something from my desk and our hands touched. The point of mentioning that is because previously we wouldn't have had any physical contact at all.

 

Then I heard him mention something to one of the managers about a kitchen item his wife wanted and where she wanted to buy it from. Realistically, they don't have the miserable life he makes out to have but that really hit me. I was bothered that it did.

 

When I walked past him I wanted to touch him and when he left work before me I was sorry I didn't notice him leave.

 

So, my thinking I could just have a sexual relationship with him was so wrong. I can't. Not without getting emotionally involved. I feel like I want to be in his arms not just in his bed. (Well that's an exaggeration but you get my point).

 

I'm still very attracted to him sexually. Very attracted. But I know in my heart that I can't take it further without causing myself a lot of pain.

 

And just a couple of days ago he emailed me to say he hadn't been texting me back and forth because he had been having real problems at home. Whereas I know that the real reason is that all those steamy messages got him so wound up he's been 'releasing the pressure' with his wife and hasn't needed to contact me.

 

So, I'm sticking around here. You guys have been really patient and given me good advice without bashing me. I appreciate that.

[jj33]

If hes already pulling those games consider yourself lucky you saw the signs now.

 

Let me tell you its no picnic even eons after its over to sit at a meeting and listen to him chatter on about the party he and his wife went to, the funny incident that happened when he and his wife were on vacation... all while he smiles at you sheepishly like what can I do just being charming and conversational???

 

Its a one way ticket to hell, or it was in my experience. The time we spent together was wonderful. The time since, not so good (big understatement) and its now been almost as long that we have been apart as it was that we were together. The awkwardness and pain afterwards has in my case been the gift that keeps on giving.

[justforfun]

Thank you jj33. I'm sorry you are going through this. But it does help me to keep my head on straight. On balance it just isn't worth it. I'm being sensible not just logical.

 

Your post makes so much sense. I've had a taste today of what it would be like if I was really emotionally involved. I suppose I had to experience today to realize that it just wouldn't work for me.

 

I'm not saying I'm over the attraction because that would be a big lie. And I know I'm going have to deal with his messages and texts as soon as he realizes I'm backing off. He'll probably up the campaign, so to speak.

 

But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I'm running, over and over again, the comment he made about his wife. It helps me remember why I can't go forward with this.

 

And reminds me of what an idiot I was to think I could.

[NowhereToHide]

Thank you jj33. I'm sorry you are going through this. But it does help me to keep my head on straight. On balance it just isn't worth it. I'm being sensible not just logical.

 

Your post makes so much sense. I've had a taste today of what it would be like if I was really emotionally involved. I suppose I had to experience today to realize that it just wouldn't work for me.

 

I'm not saying I'm over the attraction because that would be a big lie. And I know I'm going have to deal with his messages and texts as soon as he realizes I'm backing off. He'll probably up the campaign, so to speak.

 

But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I'm running, over and over again, the comment he made about his wife. It helps me remember why I can't go forward with this.

 

And reminds me of what an idiot I was to think I could.

 

 

PLEASE heed the advice you are getting on here. I became addicted to the attention, adoration and affection that my AP provided me. I can still FEEL what that was like and it still makes me sad when I think that I won't ever feel that way again.

 

But I have literally been through hell since engaging in my A. It was the worst mistake of my life. You WILL become emotionally involved, and then when it ends (which the ALWAYS do) you will feel used, rejected and worthless because he "picked" his wife.

 

Don't pursue it. Find a guy with a bigger penis and go out with him. Just don't get involved with a married man.

[fooled once]

You weren't an idiot. Don't think that.

 

The good thing is you realized it before you too it any further.

 

Keep thinking of him at home with his wife.

 

Focus on YOU and stay away from him as much as possible.

 

good luck!

[jj33]

Just for fun I appreciate the attraction. Sometimes I walk into a room and it still despite everything takes my breath away to see how handsome he looks or I hear his voice on the phone and I have to remember that its just a business call.

 

But you just have to tell yourself no. Even if hes the sweetest guy in the world, if you get emotionally attached it can be difficult to navigate the working relationship. Emotions arent always rational. And it only takes one little misstep for one or both of you to feel uncomfortable.

 

And other people do notice and that is not good. They may not say anything but its not good for your career.

 

All in all if its getting to you already this is not your path. And you are good at reading the signs.

 

You can be attracted to him "from afar".

[jj33]

And I have to add you are in the "danger zone". I remember telling him I could NEVER do that. I would NEVER be comfortable in that position. I was shocked that his W didnt care (and confirmed it with outside sources who are not great fans of his) but I still kept saying oh no not me Im just not built that way emotionally....

Famous last words.

 

I read something about the five stages of an affair and part of the beginning is when you tell yourself no but then you double back on yourself.

 

If you can nip it in the bud, you will thank yourself later.

[justforfun]

You WILL become emotionally involved, and then when it ends (which the ALWAYS do) you will feel used, rejected and worthless because he "picked" his wife. Don't pursue it.

 

You're absolutely right. I don't even want him for me. He's so unsuitable. Even not wanting him doesn't change the fact that I know I would feel all those things. But yet emotions don't take any notice of that!

 

Don't pursue it. Find a guy with a bigger penis and go out with him. Just don't get involved with a married man.

 

I'm not going to pursue it now. But I will be on here, like I said, for a daily dose of reality

 

And I'm thinking maybe the small penis isn't so bad. He's into toys and he can do other things

 

Besides. He's a really nice guy. He does live a way away so we can only get together at weekends. And there I was thinking how I would have to really think about this because of the distance. It's not terribly far but it doesn't allow for dropping by after work or spontaneous get together.

 

I've been going through a tough time recently and it would have been so nice to have him around occasionally. And when we chat online their are little misunderstandings that wouldn't occur if we could see each other face to face..

 

If I'm concerned about not being to spend more time with a single guy...I can hardly imagine what it would be like with MM!

[justforfun]

You weren't an idiot. Don't think that.

 

The good thing is you realized it before you too it any further.

 

Keep thinking of him at home with his wife.

 

Focus on YOU and stay away from him as much as possible.

 

good luck!

 

Thank you. Before I was just letting myself have a hazy vision of her. Now I'm thinking about them home together, taking care of their children together, making love together. If I wasn't already emotionally involved those images wouldn't bother me. In which case they wouldn't deter me.

[justforfun]

Just for fun I appreciate the attraction. Sometimes I walk into a room and it still despite everything takes my breath away to see how handsome he looks or I hear his voice on the phone and I have to remember that its just a business call.

 

Phew! I know that feeling! I've found myself looking at him differently now. I'm looking at his hands, his arms, his neck. All those silly places that tell you it's more than just thinking he's a hot piece of work eye candy!

 

But you just have to tell yourself no. Even if hes the sweetest guy in the world, if you get emotionally attached it can be difficult to navigate the working relationship. Emotions arent always rational. And it only takes one little misstep for one or both of you to feel uncomfortable.

 

And other people do notice and that is not good. They may not say anything but its not good for your career.

 

All in all if its getting to you already this is not your path. And you are good at reading the signs.

 

You can be attracted to him "from afar".

 

I can't believe how awkward it was today after just one day! I can't bear to think of this magnified. Eugh!!

 

People would know. You're right and it would damage me professionally. Even if it didn't affect my career path it would damage my credibility.

 

And like you said I can always be attracted to him from afar like I was before. I nice bit of eye candy. Pleasant scenery! I don't think we have to 'bump uglies' for me to do that! :laugh:

[jj33]

No you dont have to bump uglies to appreciate hte eye candy. You can sit at your desk and think about those nice arms... just stay OUT of those nice arms.

 

It does damage your credibility if people know. And then if its awkward even if they dont think you are a bad person they think you are weak and exercised poor judgement professionally and if it interferes with things at work in ANY way, or there is ANY tension they just think you are a tool (to use the technical term) because you let your personal stuff make things awkward for them... (cant blame them for that really who wants to be in the middle of coworkers' love problems)

 

But dont beat yourself up over this. We are all attracted to people from time to time who arent available. This is a total case of do what I say not what I did.

 

If i had it to do over again I would not have done it. At the time it was like being sucked into a vortex. All of the sudden bang there it was consuming my life. After years of fending it off. I caved and my life was never the same again. First in really good ways but since then in not so good ways. And I dont look at myself the same way. I feel sort of silly that I was perhaps my best self when we were togteher and as strong as I have been in many ways since it ended, I have not been as strong as I hoped I would have been.

 

You know, in your mind, you think oh when its over it will be fine. I will be lovely and elegant and poised like some TV actress playing the part of the chic unflappable ex lover not being bothered by anything he says or does. We'll be friends and it will all be fine.

 

Some people manage to pull it off I have not been as successful at that.

[NowhereToHide]

No you dont have to bump uglies to appreciate hte eye candy. You can sit at your desk and think about those nice arms... just stay OUT of those nice arms.

 

It does damage your credibility if people know. And then if its awkward even if they dont think you are a bad person they think you are weak and exercised poor judgement professionally and if it interferes with things at work in ANY way, or there is ANY tension they just think you are a tool (to use the technical term) because you let your personal stuff make things awkward for them... (cant blame them for that really who wants to be in the middle of coworkers' love problems)

 

But dont beat yourself up over this. We are all attracted to people from time to time who arent available. This is a total case of do what I say not what I did.

 

If i had it to do over again I would not have done it. At the time it was like being sucked into a vortex. All of the sudden bang there it was consuming my life. After years of fending it off. I caved and my life was never the same again. First in really good ways but since then in not so good ways. And I dont look at myself the same way. I feel sort of silly that I was perhaps my best self when we were togteher and as strong as I have been in many ways since it ended, I have not been as strong as I hoped I would have been.

 

You know, in your mind, you think oh when its over it will be fine. I will be lovely and elegant and poised like some TV actress playing the part of the chic unflappable ex lover not being bothered by anything he says or does. We'll be friends and it will all be fine.

 

This cracked me up! I absolutely envisioned just this happening! I expected me to be able to be the strong, confident, beautiful object of his desire walking away from him and never looking back. So NOT how it happened!

 

Some people manage to pull it off I have not been as successful at that.

 

 

This is so true... once you allow yourself to do it, once you say "yes, I'm going to do this thing I know is wrong", it is like you are being sucked in by a powerful force. It was scary, exciting but then turned horrible and depressing. Being that out of control wasn't something I liked

[Cliche]

Justforfun, it is almost never as easy as "good sex." I fear that more affairs than not take their toll emotionally no matter what the expectations were early on.

 

If you can, maybe just fantasize about this instead of ever really doing it (fantasies are almost always better anyway. ).

[justforfun]

I really identify with what you guys are saying. I feel like I've strayed close to that and felt the power of it. I was so close to losing it and going with it. Now I feel like I'm stepping back and waiting for it to pass.

 

This is so true... once you allow yourself to do it, once you say "yes, I'm going to do this thing I know is wrong", it is like you are being sucked in by a powerful force. It was scary, exciting but then turned horrible and depressing. Being that out of control wasn't something I liked

[justforfun]

Justforfun, it is almost never as easy as "good sex." I fear that more affairs than not take their toll emotionally no matter what the expectations were early on.

 

If you can, maybe just fantasize about this instead of ever really doing it (fantasies are almost always better anyway. ).

 

That's a good point. Thank you. I used to fantasize about him and that was fun. At that point I never had ANY intention of it going further.

 

I had thought that in order to stop this I had to completely turn my feelings around and stop feeling anything about him. Thinking like that doesn't work. Because if I'm fantasizing and thinking that even fantasizing is wrong to do then I may as well be acting on it too since they are both wrong. Make sense?

 

This way I get to acknowledge those feelings and enjoy them without any guilt. Because they aren't going to go away.

 

It's like drawing a line in the sand. And it's a line I can live with and get on with my life with.

 

BTW, it's great to have these responses. I feel that rather than trying to scare me out of doing it, which isn't practical since fear is an exciting component of attraction to a MM, you are actually explaining it to me in ways that I can relate to.

[justforfun]

 

If you can nip it in the bud, you will thank yourself later.

 

Excellent advice, thank you. I've woken up this morning and I'm even more convinced that you are right. Well, I was just as convinced from the things you have shared with me. But what I should say is my resolve is getting stronger.