Taking Baby Steps But I'm Already In Deep

[Devil Inside]

That's a good point. Thank you. I used to fantasize about him and that was fun. At that point I never had ANY intention of it going further.

 

I had thought that in order to stop this I had to completely turn my feelings around and stop feeling anything about him. Thinking like that doesn't work. Because if I'm fantasizing and thinking that even fantasizing is wrong to do then I may as well be acting on it too since they are both wrong. Make sense?

This way I get to acknowledge those feelings and enjoy them without any guilt. Because they aren't going to go away.

 

It's like drawing a line in the sand. And it's a line I can live with and get on with my life with.

 

BTW, it's great to have these responses. I feel that rather than trying to scare me out of doing it, which isn't practical since fear is an exciting component of attraction to a MM, you are actually explaining it to me in ways that I can relate to.

 

 

I want to applaud your courage in confronting your feelings about the situation. The tone in your first post implied that you felt you could handle the friends with benefits status of the relationship...I'm glad you acknowledged that you had feelings.

 

I think that fantasizing has some interesting implications...and I would think the key word would be balance. On one hand you do not want to tell yourself that you must shut off all feelings and if you do find yourself fantasizing or feeling attracted that you have failed...that is a set up. People are attracted to people...it just happened. However, do not over indulge in the fantasy either as it has a way to charge your desire. It is also dangerous business to fantasize while masturbating...as having an orgasm with someone in mind bonds the person with changes in brain chemistry that you experience.

 

So maybe spend some time with the long distance guy...and his toys.. Again...I am impressed that you are being honest with yourself in this situation...I think protecting your heart is a good idea.

[jj33]

This is so true... once you allow yourself to do it, once you say "yes, I'm going to do this thing I know is wrong", it is like you are being sucked in by a powerful force. It was scary, exciting but then turned horrible and depressing. Being that out of control wasn't something I liked

 

Nowhere that is such a good point. i was just talking to a friend yesterday and saying how did I alow myself to get so hooked?

 

Once I said ok its on, it was like we'd been together for years, my committment to the A was unshakable (which is probably why I agonize over being the least bit disloyal to him now).

 

And what you say makes so much sense. As someone who take relationshps pretty seriously, once I decided i was going to do something that normally I would run from faster than the speed of light, I committed to it 1000% it HAD to be the right thing because I had crossed so many of my own boundaries to participate in it.

 

Just for Fun - glad you are looking at this so closely. You are obviously very switched on and you dont want to get swept into the big black hole of the A. (again its not a big black hole for everyone but if you already experienced that ick feeling then its most likely to be a big black hole for you).

[2sunny]

i'm very glad that you are recognizing this for what it is and are trying to see this from a more realistic perspective.

 

he's married - yes. if his M were THAT bad - he would leave. it's never as bad as they say - they just tell you all those things to get you into their little circle of manipulation. once you start to believe their little lies - you feel sorry for them, then - boom - they start to move in for the kill.

 

once you become completely sucked in by the manipulation and believe his lies (which he actually believes as his own "truth") then things swing into full speed ahead.

 

this is a point that you will experience so much confusion, pain and distress.

 

do not do this. you will be deeply affected - and not in a good way. you deserve an available man. he is married = unavailable, no matter what he says...

[jj33]

Too right Sunny (no disrespect here Devil) and the thing is I think many OW read into this that if its that bad and you love me so much of COURSE you will leave. I know on some level I thought that. My mindset was so conventional I couldnt imagine any other outcome.

 

And while some MM lie and say yes one day when the sun is green with pink polka dots I will know the time has come... most dont ever get to that second phrase they say they would BUT

[justforfun]

Well, I messaged and basically summed up the points from here. Copy and paste and a bit of editing

 

His response was basically "Well you're probably right but you know you still want it. So when you're ready to get it just let me know."

 

He was so casual. I was actually a bit hurt by his response. Or at least it gave me an unpleasant feeling. How could I possibly entertain the thought of risking getting emotionally involved with him. And at this point I do believe I would get emotionally involved. I wouldn't be here talking to you guys if I was so sure it would be a fling. I'd be out there doing it.

 

I almost immediately started thinking about my response. But it's pointless. Nothing I say matters. And what would be the point? What would I be hoping to achieve? If I want to exchange witty banter with him then I can do that at work. I don't need to be responding to him. I don't require his validation. I don't need him to 'understand' why I'm not going to do this. (Thank goodness I have you guys to help me with that!)

 

I have to think about what I really want. And since my first choice is a big NO! Then I have to think with my feet on the ground.

 

I've really been thinking a lot about this and I don't want to put myself into this situation at all. I'm absolutely sure that he is in no way someone I would want to be in a relationship with. But at the same time it's still damaging to me to get involved with someone who is choosing another person, he says he doesn't want to be with, over me.

 

I'm not 'over it' but I'm at that point where it makes absolutely no sense to me to do it. I'm at a weak point in my life and thought it was what I needed. But it's absolutely the worse thing I could do.

 

It's also clear to me now that I am already emotionally involved to some degree. It's unpleasant now but I really do get it that it's better now than later.

[jj33]

You are one smart cookie. And Im sorry you got such an eeewww response.

 

Heres the lay of the land (not that you havent sussed it out yourself already)

 

1. You think hes hot and are kind of swooning over him; the more you flirt and the sweeter he is, the more you get emotionally attached.

 

2. He on the other hand is a "PLAYAH"

 

or at least he gave you the "playah" response.

 

So unless you are ready to play the playah's game (youre hot Im hot lets do this now) it will only end in tears.

 

There is also an extent to which he is giving you the "i am a love God" and you are a hot little minx who is "up for it" specifically up for me....

 

So if it goes wrong he will say, well YOU wanted me, you KNEW I was married I thought you were a fun girl I thought you knew the score.

 

If that were true, you wouldnt be posting.

 

 

No it doesnt get better than this. Its unpleasant now but read some of the posts. It only gets worse IF you are emotionally involved and your AP is not.

 

Emotionally imbalanced relationships are never a good time regardless of whether the other person is married.

 

 

You know him we obviously dont but that was not the response of a guy who is putting your well being first.

 

Sorry you are going through this

 

big hugs

 

jj

[2sunny]

he only wants sex outside his marriage - simple as that.

 

a lot of men don't care who it's with as long as they get the variety outside their M. so don't think he's thinking you are IT! his response is very transparent... most MM at least try to use more words to cover for their lack of connection just to get the sex - he's not even trying to make an effort to cover... i guess you should be grateful in a way.

 

he's blatantly telling you that he's ready for sex - not that he cares or is interested in YOU.

 

he wants to know if that is enough to get you to have sex with him.

 

i'm glad you're not taking the bait. his approach shows a huge ego and sense of entitlement... men like that aren't worth any effort - it's always about what THEY want/need. he's selfish and self centered. i actually feel sorry for his wife.

 

stay strong! i'm proud of your strength! wait for the one who's available and can give you all of what you want/need/deserve.

[Devil Inside]

I got to back up the ladies on this one. As a guy that has many playah friends and is not too shabby with the ladies..let me tell you..that response was him running game.

 

He is pulling the classic pull/push. The more he pulls away..the more you push towards him. I also agree that his statement implies that this relationship is all about the sex...not much else.

 

Just think of what an ego crusher it will be when you don't go after him. He thinks that he can have you whether he's married or not...don't think so.

 

You read on here some ways to put that fool out of your mind. Then you do your thing. If this playah latched on to you...you must have something going on...and you will have your pick of availible men...men that will emotionally attach to you.

 

Hang in there.

[justforfun]

Hi Guys

 

You are all so spot on. I'm working through the desire. It's just a physical reaction with no basis in reality.

 

I miss the raunchy messages and the excitement and anticipation. But that's hardly a big deal.

 

I haven't responded to his message although the 'talker' in me would like to. As I said before it's a pointless exercise.

 

But I've noticed that I have stopped waiting for his messages to pop up in my inbox.

 

I've been trawling all the internet dating sites I can find (I'm in the Midwest so I have to look for men wherever they are!)

 

I was actually at a point in my life where I thought I was looking for a deeper more meaningful relationship. But maybe I'm not so I've decided to open up myself to more casual relationships. Not one night stands but less involved than I was considering before.

 

Maybe this was a wake up call for me. Either way I'm convinced it was meant to be a lesson.

 

I've always been one of those women who get sucked in to the vortex by every relationship. I've had some great therapy and have come to understand that about myself. I think I may have been trying to prove to myself that I'm not like that anymore. But I took it too far.

 

I need to calm down and stop trying to prove or disprove things about myself. I think by meeting a lot more people from dating sites (for coffee or a walk by the lake) I'll have a better idea of what I'm really looking for. Basically, get myself out there and see what happens.

 

Opinions advice guys?

[justforfun]

Got a message from him this morning. Saying ' oh, so you meant it when you said it was over then...oh well it was fun while it lasted..thanks.'

 

I think he was genuinely surprised.

[Impudent Oyster]

Got a message from him this morning. Saying ' oh, so you meant it when you said it was over then...oh well it was fun while it lasted..thanks.'

 

I think he was genuinely surprised.

 

What a nonchalant response. He doesn't seem the least bit upset that it's over, it sounds like a response to the news that the bowling league is over.

[Devil Inside]

Hi Guys

 

You are all so spot on. I'm working through the desire. It's just a physical reaction with no basis in reality.

 

I miss the raunchy messages and the excitement and anticipation. But that's hardly a big deal.

 

I haven't responded to his message although the 'talker' in me would like to. As I said before it's a pointless exercise.

 

But I've noticed that I have stopped waiting for his messages to pop up in my inbox.

 

I've been trawling all the internet dating sites I can find (I'm in the Midwest so I have to look for men wherever they are!)

 

I was actually at a point in my life where I thought I was looking for a deeper more meaningful relationship. But maybe I'm not so I've decided to open up myself to more casual relationships. Not one night stands but less involved than I was considering before.

 

Maybe this was a wake up call for me. Either way I'm convinced it was meant to be a lesson.

 

I've always been one of those women who get sucked in to the vortex by every relationship. I've had some great therapy and have come to understand that about myself. I think I may have been trying to prove to myself that I'm not like that anymore. But I took it too far.

 

I need to calm down and stop trying to prove or disprove things about myself. I think by meeting a lot more people from dating sites (for coffee or a walk by the lake) I'll have a better idea of what I'm really looking for. Basically, get myself out there and see what happens.

 

Opinions advice guys?

 

I wonder if you are choosing men that are emotionally unavailable for a reason. I mean, essentially, that was what this MM was.

 

Could it be that you are choosing men that you can only get so far with because it reduces the chances of you having to be vulnerable?

[justforfun]

 

Could it be that you are choosing men that you can only get so far with because it reduces the chances of you having to be vulnerable?

 

Good point. I think you're right. I'm scared of getting sucked into a relationship and opening myself up to being hurt. I got unbelievably hurt in my last relationship and don't want to go there again. You've made a good point.

 

I suppose what I didn't realize, until you guys helped me out, is that a relationship with an MM wouldn't protect me from opening up either.

 

Really appreciate that DI. You're spot on.

[justforfun]

Btw, he sent me a message today asking if we couldn't even talk? I haven't responded yet. I'm leaning on the side of responding so that I don't appear to be being silly about this. I haven't because I don't know what to say.

[jj33]

If you feel you must respond I would just say about what? Youre married we shouldnt have let our banter (dont call it flirting) get so out of hand.

 

See you tomorrow (or whatever).

 

KEEP IT LIGHT.

 

Dont suggest that it is anything other than it was - some joking that got out of hand.

 

Let him go away with his tail between his legs. If you keep it light and dont make a big issue of it (I think you are so hot but i cant...) it will be fine.

 

If you engage in a heart to heart over it, he will try to reel you in. You have now officially become a challenge...

 

And dont let your ego get the better of you. Yes he wants you. Yes he is coming chasing after you.

 

Im sure you are a very attractive woman. Having a man come after you is like shooting fish in a barrel.

 

You dont need "any" attention. You need the right attention.

 

This is NOT the right attention.

[jj33]

And dont you dare feel you are being "silly" about this.

 

This guy was surveying whether you were open to something that could leave your self esteem in tatters and your heart broken.

 

It is not "silly" when a married man comes onto you in the workplace. The aftermath can be brutal.

 

So shutting it down nicely (as per my last post or whatever feels right to you) without making him feel bad - after all you engaged in the banter too -

 

is the right thing to do. There is nothing silly about it.

[justforfun]

More cut and paste...thanks JJ!!

 

Geez, you guys are brilliant! I don't know how would have gotten to this point without you. Don't like to think about where I could have been!

 

Eugh...work tomorrow with him. But at least I don't have to feel embarrassed now. I know I've done the right thing. I don't have to feel like we have a dirty secret.

 

I'm sure I'll be back posting an update!

 

I can't thank you guys enough, really I can't!!! I feel like I've gotten my mind back from crazy!

[justforfun]

What a nonchalant response. He doesn't seem the least bit upset that it's over, it sounds like a response to the news that the bowling league is over.

 

:laugh:

[jj33]

Exactly. There is no "secret". It you write it off to banter that got out of hand what can he say???

 

Thats your song, just keep singing it because really thats all it is. Yes theres an attraction but so what. Remember how many people fell in love with Brad Pitt? Teenagers with posters of Justin Timberlake?

 

It happens. But you didnt let it get out of hand.

 

Be really proud of yourself. and be prepared for him to try to get you interested again.

 

But once you treat it like nothing, he will likely retreat. Then you have NOTHNG to feel embarrassed about.

 

You dont need to prove to him or anyone else that you are "cool" enough to be able to jump into bed with him and not care that he has nothing to offer you in return.

 

These affairs are a losing game if your heart is anywhere near them.

[justforfun]

E

 

Be really proud of yourself. and be prepared for him to try to get you interested again.

 

But once you treat it like nothing, he will likely retreat. Then you have NOTHNG to feel embarrassed about.

 

He's retreating already. He responded to my message, With 'okay. i get it. peace.'

 

Wow! That was quick!

 

You dont need to prove to him or anyone else that you are "cool" enough to be able to jump into bed with him and not care that he has nothing to offer you in return.

 

I was definitely doing that. I really was trying to fool myself and him, you're right, into believing I was cool enough.

[jj33]

Well done. See now there is no embarrassment. he knows he must go in search of greener pastures...

 

Thats a common thing - its like a dare. You seem cool and sophisticated enough to handle this arent you huh huh huh?????

 

And if you are in a vulnerable place you might think uh no uhhh of course yeah yeah of course whats wrong with me if I cant do that..

 

Instead of saying to yourself. No doesnt float my boat thanks. Happy hunting sure you will find someone who is into that.

 

Realizing what works for you and what doesnt is far "cooler" than twisting your psyche to pretend that you feel the way someone else wants you to feel about a situation.

[NowhereToHide]

You just dodged the biggest bullet! Congratulations!

[justforfun]

Damnit...I f#cked up. Saw him at work. Got all hot and then I flirted.

 

What makes it worse is I kept wanting him to come over to my desk.

 

I'm assuming that it's because how I was feeling about him before is working it's way out of my system. If that makes sense? But I'm certainly not trying to work towards getting into bed with him. That much I know.

[fooled once]

Don't beat yourself up. You are a newbie at this still

 

The fact that you realized it and know it isn't something you want to do is another step in the right direction!

 

Now, step back, remember you don't need him, you don't need a cheating married man.

 

Look at all YOU have to offer someone. YOU are smart, you have a great personality and you are obviously attractive.

 

Remember your resolve. Remember that he only wants to use you. Remember that YOU deserve much better than a quick roll in the sack.

 

Stay strong. Stand firm and the next time he wants to flirt, walk away. Let him flirt with himself since he is so full of himself.

 

YOU have the power and control. Use them both to keep yourself away from him!

 

You CAN do this!!

[Devil Inside]

Damnit...I f#cked up. Saw him at work. Got all hot and then I flirted.

 

What makes it worse is I kept wanting him to come over to my desk.

 

I'm assuming that it's because how I was feeling about him before is working it's way out of my system. If that makes sense? But I'm certainly not trying to work towards getting into bed with him. That much I know.

 

So you found out you are human...happens to the best of us. I am so freaking lucky I don't have to see my xOW at work or anywhere....because it would be so hard not to at least flirt...as it must be hard for you.

 

Just because you know he is no good for you doesn't mean you aren't going to still be attracted. In fact, for some people, this is exactly why you are attracted.

 

Anyways...like Fooled said...minor setback...but no biggie. You get your sexy self out and flirting with other men. Men that have something to offer.