What is "support" in the OM/OW Forum?

[jj33]

The difference between "support and enabling", and "support and bashing", is subjective to each poster. I think that it is mostly up to the OP to decide if they want advice, or if they just want a cheerleading section. Too many OP's only want validation, and if someone has a difference of opinion, they are labeled as "bashing". Life isn't one big group hug, and never will be.

 

Bold Jack if you were referring to my post earlier and felt that I villified you I have apologised. The "you" in my post was not directed at YOU Boldjack.

 

It was a general "you" as stated in that post and my subsequent clarification. I do however stand by what I wrote before which is that. Many apologies if my laziness in using you caused you to think i was maligning your character.

 

1. It is perfectly acceptable for someone to come to this forum seeking validation for what other posters think is unacceptable, or destructive behavior.

 

2. If a poster (not the OP but a responding poster) reponds with anger because they feel the person seeking validation has no right no cause or is misguided in seeking validation and responds with anger or disgust that the OP is seeking that validation,

 

then in my opinion the disgust or anger with the fact that validation is sought by the OP is the responding poster's issue, not the OPs issue.

 

The OP may be guilty of not viewing their situation clearly, or having morals or an agenda that are inconsistent with those of another member of LS, but that doesnt mean that the OP does not have the right to seekl validation or guidance without being told in an unsupportive way that they are misguided, should tell their spouse, should end the affair if that is not the advice that they are seeking.

 

Those are the terms of service. No the world is not one big group hug but this forum is. Thats why it exists. You get a group hug and sometimes it includes someone saying I hear what your saying but i dont agree with you.

 

At least that is my understanding of the forum.

 

In any event my post was most definitely NOT an attack on you.

[Dexter Morgan]

Also calling people Cheaters and Liars does not solve anything which has happened many times. It's not supportive obviously it is abuse. One does not need support to continue an affair

 

and yet there have been many here that look for "support" on how to carry on their affairs nonetheless:o

[mybrowneyedgirl]

maybe sometimes you are interpreting peoples request for support as a means to carry on the affair. this is a tricky situation. no right answers. and so its not as cut and dry as walk away and never think of them again. for some what you interpret as continuing an affair may be a means of healing and letting go. i for one would let go easier with some sort of understanding and formal goodbye then for him to just drop off the face of the earth.

 

sure this may prolong things in the VERY short term. but after that then it can be dropped. thinking, obsessing and wanting the OM because you cant move on keeps the affair going much much longer than saying goodbye. because for those people, who need closure, the feelings remain until the issue is resolved.

[Jacky]

End destructive character behavior: IF the person is asking for help in how to stop, then YES. If they are happy in an affair and came to this board to understand how to keep it a secret, then they aren't asking for help in it ending. So in that situation, if you aren't comfortable with their "integrity", then DON'T POST.

 

Adopt positive character traits: Since when is it the responsibility of a stranger on a message board to insist on this from another stranger? Since you've written this sentence, it now makes a lot of sense to me why you post what you do. I understand that you're trying to get the OW/OM to develop character and integrity. But when an OW/OM is hurting -- in pain from the loss of the affair, feeling guilt for what they've done, etc., pushing the "everyone must always do the right thing" line isn't helping. I understand where it's coming from, but it isn't helpful.

 

Sometimes posters need to understand that their particular "brand of help" isn't appropriate.

 

Very nicely said, agree with this 100%. Everybody seeks different type of support.

[skywriter]

What is "support" in the OM/OW Forum?

 

What an interesting , difficult, and excellent question!

 

I don't think there is a one size fits all answer though. Forgive me, if I am repiticious in my answer, as I haven't read all the replies.

 

I think that we all have to become very openminded as to what "supportiveness" consist of,and I say this because, it can be as individual as every person that post here is.

 

I also believe that we as posters, should be selective with our replies because , one never knows another persons emotional state of well being.

 

...and finally, with respect to everyone that post here. I think it takes a very experienced, diciplined and matured individual, to set aside their opinions, and their own personal situation and provide "support" to an anonymous poster.

[donnamaybe]

How do you give advice without having an opinion?

[1Angel]

I'll support any OW or OM who wants to end the relationship with affair partner while trying not to judge for doing what has already been done. Everyone makes mistakes.

[herenow]

What is "support" in the OM/OW Forum?

 

What an interesting , difficult, and excellent question!

 

I don't think there is a one size fits all answer though. Forgive me, if I am repiticious in my answer, as I haven't read all the replies.

 

I think that we all have to become very openminded as to what "supportiveness" consist of,and I say this because, it can be as individual as every person that post here is.

 

I also believe that we as posters, should be selective with our replies because , one never knows another persons emotional state of well being.

 

...and finally, with respect to everyone that post here. I think it takes a very experienced, diciplined and matured individual, to set aside their opinions, and their own personal situation and provide "support" to an anonymous poster.

 

You are correct and that is why well trained therapists get over $100 per hour.

 

This is a free public forum. I agree that we should try to be respectful, but it's a lot to expect anyone to put aside their own opinion to "support" something they don't agree with.

 

I also agree that everyone here is an individual with their own life experiences. That is why when we ask for support, we should not be surprised when the "support" reflects each individual's views.

 

IMO, if a person needs support that is 100% geared towards their own healing, they should visit one of those above mentioned therapists.

[Lizzie60]

You are correct and that is why well trained therapists get over $100 per hour.

 

This is a free public forum. I agree that we should try to be respectful, but it's a lot to expect anyone to put aside their own opinion to "support" something they don't agree with.

 

I also agree that everyone here is an individual with their own life experiences. That is why when we ask for support, we should not be surprised when the "support" reflects each individual's views.

 

IMO, if a person needs support that is 100% geared towards their own healing, they should visit one of those above mentioned therapists.

 

Yabut.. you don't have to... no one is forced to support someone who does something you're not comfortable or agree with..

[Dexter Morgan]

maybe sometimes you are interpreting peoples request for support as a means to carry on the affair. this is a tricky situation. no right answers. and so its not as cut and dry as walk away and never think of them again. for some what you interpret as continuing an affair may be a means of healing and letting go. i for one would let go easier with some sort of understanding and formal goodbye then for him to just drop off the face of the earth.

 

I'm not talking about the people that say, "I want to end this, but don't know how"

 

I'm talking about the people who are looking for advice on things like, "should I give my MM/MW an ultimatum?"........there have been discussions on what to do to get the MM/MW to leave their marriage...etc.

 

There ARE people here that have NO interest in ending things and its clear when they post that they have no interest in advice on how to get out.

[Dexter Morgan]

I'll support any OW or OM who wants to end the relationship with affair partner while trying not to judge for doing what has already been done.

 

I 2nd that!! Too bad there seem to be more that don't want to end an affair than those that do.

[Phateless]

The other thread got me thinking about this.

 

For addictive drugs and behaviours (eg gambling), "support" usually means to overcome the addiction by having nothing further to do with it and stopping the behaviour. This seems to be the equivalent of "no contact" or NC in an affair.

 

Several posters treat "support" in the OM/OW Forum as meaning encouragement and support for NC.

 

Others interpret "support" as being support for continuing an affair and for conducting everyday life etc while in an affair.

 

Which is it? Or does "support" encompass both types of "support"? If so it's a little different to the support offered for other types of "addictive" behaviours.

 

Just asking what others think.

 

Support to me means emotional support. It seems that people come to this forum asking for all kinds of support.

 

Some want help dealing with the challenges of making an affair work. I will not support them because I believe it is wrong.

 

Others come here wanting help to break the cycle. I will support them.

 

I will not tell anyone that things will be ok and not to worry about the consequences of their actions. I will try to help people understand themselves and find direction, MAKE CHOICES, whatever that means in their situation.

[Devil Inside]

I 2nd that!! Too bad there seem to be more that don't want to end an affair than those that do.

 

Not sure if I agree. I see your point. I also think that you could help a lot more people. There are those that are at a stage where they know things don't feel right, they are in pain...these are people that somewhere inside know it may be time to end the A...but can't quite come out and say it yet.

 

Don't give up on them so quickly. They need someone like you that is direct and can speak from experience about regaining self esteem after a betrayal as they do me. Ya know?

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, I think the problem is in what you mean by "end the affair". Few OW want the A to continue. They want the A to end, but they'd like it to end with the MM leaving his W for them.

 

yes, and that deserves no support as far as I'm concerned.

 

But I digress, I would hope that is exactly what happens, that way the betrayed spouse can be free of an untrustworthy being, and the OM/OW can have their cheater and deal with the fact that the MM/MW they screwed is in fact that....a cheater.

 

Case in point, my x-wife's new man has abused her since they have been together. Why? because he "all of a sudden" realized she cheats.....well DUH!!!!

[Dexter Morgan]

Not sure if I agree. I see your point. I also think that you could help a lot more people. There are those that are at a stage where they know things don't feel right, they are in pain...these are people that somewhere inside know it may be time to end the A...but can't quite come out and say it yet.

 

Don't give up on them so quickly. They need someone like you that is direct and can speak from experience about regaining self esteem after a betrayal as they do me. Ya know?

 

I'll take all that into consideration. But i have to be honest, some of the crap i hear from people gets my blood boiling as to how sh###y people can treat others in real life.

[Phateless]

Dexter, I think the problem is in what you mean by "end the affair". Few OW want the A to continue. They want the A to end, but they'd like it to end with the MM leaving his W for them. Surely you don't like that idea, but the point is still to introduce honesty to the relationship.

 

I completely agree with you. People need to make a decision and act on it. I will support an OW who challenges her MM to decide. If he stays with the wife, the OW should end the affair. Just like any relationship.

 

yes, and that deserves no support as far as I'm concerned.

 

But I digress, I would hope that is exactly what happens, that way the betrayed spouse can be free of an untrustworthy being, and the OM/OW can have their cheater and deal with the fact that the MM/MW they screwed is in fact that....a cheater.

 

Case in point, my x-wife's new man has abused her since they have been together. Why? because he "all of a sudden" realized she cheats.....well DUH!!!!

 

In my opinion, we need to support people to get out of this "in between land" situation and either end the marriage and start a new R, or end the affair and save the marriage.

 

PICK A SIDE and go there! That's the goal right?

[skywriter]

You are correct and that is why well trained therapists get over $100 per hour.

 

This is a free public forum. I agree that we should try to be respectful, but it's a lot to expect anyone to put aside their own opinion to "support" something they don't agree with.

 

I also agree that everyone here is an individual with their own life experiences. That is why when we ask for support, we should not be surprised when the "support" reflects each individual's views.

 

IMO, if a person needs support that is 100% geared towards their own healing, they should visit one of those above mentioned therapists.

__________________

Hi herenow,

Yes, we are in a public forum. What I was suggesting, is to not necessarily agree, but to try and set aside our opinion and open our minds as to offer something constructive to the posters.

 

Maybe it's not so much, what is said, as how it is said.

 

I think Donnamaybe asked, how can one offer advice without having an opinion? I think it can be done, at least to an extent. You can make suggestions in a tactful way and still make your point. All this without being hurtful and angry towards people.

[donnamaybe]

I think Donnamaybe asked, how can one offer advice without having an opinion? I think it can be done, at least to an extent. You can make suggestions in a tactful way and still make your point. All this without being hurtful and angry towards people.

 

One cannot make a suggestion if one has no opinion. An opinion is going to come out, regardless HOW one delivers the information they feel someone should hear. But, yes - it CAN be said without throwing daggers, even if it's something the OP would rather not hear.

[herenow]

Yabut.. you don't have to... no one is forced to support someone who does something you're not comfortable or agree with..

 

and you can't control other people's opinion and who decides to voice their opinion. Again, it's a public forum so you will get all kinds of people with all kinds of opinions. If you only want "supportive" comments, then I still think a therapist is the best choice. JMO.

Edited October 20, 2009 by herenow

[Phateless]

It's just frustrating when all you get is noise because people are all worked up.

[Dexter Morgan]

It's just frustrating when all you get is noise because people are all worked up.

 

pretending that your words are pearls to live by, but others that you don't agree with is noise are we?

[jj33]

Why are people agonizing over the fact that they cant support certain behaviors?

 

Noone is FORCED to reply to any thread. If you read a thread and you dont agree with what the person is doing and you dont have anything supportive to add, why not just move on?

 

The forum is about support. It seems to me that if you dont feel you can be supportive or constructive then you have no reason to post on that thread.

 

The problem seems to arise because a fair number of the people having qualms about supporting behavior they dont support are troubled and possibly angered when they see that an individual is unrepentant in their affair or looking for ways to continue it.

 

if thats the case maybe you just dont post to that thread.

 

If you find yourself angered by or have a strong negative reaction to an OPs request for support maybe that is a good indication that you are not in an objective position to reply in a constructive manner. There is nothing wrong with having nothing to add or not voicing your opinion where its not responsive to the thread.

 

And if you think affairs are a terrible thing, why would you even post on a thread asking for support in an ongoing affair if all you are going to do is tell the person what a terrible thing they are doing to the BS?

 

People know that and that is not support for the OP - it is support for the unknown BS who is not posting here.

 

Seems to me that alot of the people doing the questioning here just dont believe that an OW/OM deserves support for anything other than ending the affair.

 

That is contrary to my understanding iof this forum, which is that that it is for support for the OP with regard to the questoin that they asked, rwhether or not you believe that a particular behavior deserves to be supported.

 

If it bothers you that people seek support for these things and you think that being supportive simply furthers lying and deception maybe that is a clue that you have nothing constructive to add.

 

Being on a "mission" to see all OW end affairs is fine so long as you dont act like a missionary preaching and lecturing on threads where the OP is not seeking that advice.

 

At least that is my understanding of the forum.

[NoIDidn't]

Why are people agonizing over the fact that they cant support certain behaviors?

 

Noone is FORCED to reply to any thread. If you read a thread and you dont agree with what the person is doing and you dont have anything supportive to add, why not just move on?

 

I don't think anyone is agonizing over not being able to support certain behaviors. They are basically saying that when they respond in that thread, its not likely to be in support of the behavior.

 

It is possible to respond to a thread and not support the behavior and still be respectful.

 

Some people don't feel they can leave poor decisions and poor judgment unchallenged. Maybe their decision to post to that thread actually helps the OP in that they didn't only get only what they were asking to hear.

[jj33]

I totally agree with you NID. But if that were the only issue, then why ask so many questions about the parameters? (not you NID others).

 

Many of the comments are tinged with bitterness which is understandable if youve been a BS, but doesnt really have a place here unless it is respectfully conveyed.

 

And the answer all too often is that lying and cheating is wrong why do I have to convey that in a respectful manner. The notion that cheating is wrong and unjustifiable so the opposition to that doesnt need to be conveyed in any particular manner is what causes the problems on this forum.

 

I think that is why Tony said earlier on that there are some people who may not be ready to participate on here because of their own feelings about the subject. And those people may need to refrain.

[jj33]

Support is NOT putting someone down for having been in a relationship with a married person. Support is NOT insulting someone, lecturing someone or verbally scolding them. Support is NOT judgment. I am in agreement with others above that support in this category is giving the person what they need. When someone is hurting, they don't need an angry person coming along and telling them off.

 

Many people have very strong feelings about betrayal. They were raised with an ethic that paints an affair with a married person as sinful and wicked. Those people, if they intend to advance their personal feelings about the subject in threads by people seeking support or advice on this subject, are admonished to go to another area of LoveShack.

 

It takes extremely open minded, intelligent and mature individuals to give an ear to the people who come into this category and I am grateful that we have those here who can treat the subject sensitively.

 

This was the post I was referring to.