Leia Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 I did yesterday, you claimed that my "tone was not supportive". Whatever, I'm not going to lose sleep over it, I just thought I'd point out what appears to me to be an obvious bias. Thank you for pointing that out, IO. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony Posted October 1, 2009 Senior Moderators Share Posted October 1, 2009 Is that an order? I happen to have a LOT more experience with the subject than you assume. Yes, you absolutely do, but I have A WHOLE LOT MORE EXPERIENCE in being sensitive to people's personal issues. Ph.D. (Honors Degree), Psychology, University of London, 1972. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 It's not what you think, it's what the moderator's think. This forum is not a democracy. Somebody has got to make a decision based on good taste and the rules. That your taste is not consistent with moderators' is irrelevant. You have a marvelous grasp of the obvious...I think we all get it! Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 It's not what you think, it's what the moderator's think. This forum is not a democracy. Somebody has got to make a decision based on good taste and the rules. That your taste is not consistent with moderators' is irrelevant. I agree, not a democracy. Could we perhaps just set down some clearer rules in this forum in particular? I think this is an important thread Tony. So when you've had enough instead of locking it could you just delete the unwanted posts??? Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Yes, you absolutely do, but I have A WHOLE LOT MORE EXPERIENCE in being sensitive to people's personal issues. Ph.D. (Honors Degree), Psychology, University of London, 1972. Congratulations, I'm sure Lizzie is grateful for your unwaivering support. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 I think the bolded statement blurs the lines of what support may be to you personally vs. what it can be from different perspectives. You can give momentary support, the immediate relief or long-term relief. The two different types of support may be completely different scenarios and polar opposites from each other. In the short-term it may be appear that the OP desires her/his MM/MW to return their calls so you tell hem how to get a call returned. The long-term may be that the OP has some damage to self-esteem and is in an affair where their needs are not me, thus you could suggest ha hey extricate themselves from the A. I think we have to be careful in seeing advice that some A partners may respond to as if it is attacking, while it certainly is supportive long-term, just because someone responded to it negatively. I see your point. However, form an efficiency standpoint...little change happens without relationship...on here you can build that bond by showing the other person that you understand where they are coming from...so they don't feel that you are just judging them or assuming you know what is best for them based on limited information. If you can show them you get them by reflecting what they are saying and asking some insightful questions then they will let their defenses down and be able to hear another perspective. This has been my experience in helping people in crisis for many years now. Change rarely happens without relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 I've had my share of infractions, maybe 10 over the years. I've also been the OP on a OM/OW thread that lasted a year and a half, and that literally was a major factor in my sanity during much of that time. My thread wasn't one of not being happy being an OM, it was not being happy NOT BEING an OM. There was very little (maybe 20%) attacking done on that thread it was in general VERY supportive. I was able to share my feelings in a way I had never been able to before. It was an outlet for me. And, the outcome was good. I also learned that being angry and agressive with other contributors wasn't a productive tactic. I was looking for emotional support, and received it. I try to pass that along now. Rather than being forever angry about being betrayed, and transferring that anger to those who transgress, I feel empathetic for those who are unsure, or are in pain. Am I bitter, yes. Am I angry? Never. I hope my shared experiances can help others beginning to travel the road I have. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony Posted October 1, 2009 Senior Moderators Share Posted October 1, 2009 Lizzie has been very open about her MM's and why she sees them. This is certainly no secret, and I don't think she cares who knows. Makes no difference. The fact is that people's knowledge of this has caused much problems on this board. If I am a triple axe murderer and everyone in town knows that, I still don't want that fact to be brought up everywhere I go...... Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Makes no difference. The fact is that people's knowledge of this has caused much problems on this board. If I am a triple axe murderer and everyone in town knows that, I still don't want that fact to be brought up everywhere I go...... But then why would YOU bring it up everywhere you go? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony Posted October 1, 2009 Senior Moderators Share Posted October 1, 2009 Well guys, I have to move on to other things. Just let it be clear that if you don't show good taste, good judgment and sensitivity in these forums you will receive an infraction. If you feel anger towards a poster because he or she has broken up a family, you cannot give the kind of advice and support that person is seeking. Have a great day and thank you for participating in this thread. At least we kept it on topic...that makes my day! Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Makes no difference. The fact is that people's knowledge of this has caused much problems on this board. If I am a triple axe murderer and everyone in town knows that, I still don't want that fact to be brought up everywhere I go...... Are you equating what Lizzie does to an axe murderer's escapades? She is actually proud of her extracurricular activities, so why would she be hurt by it? In fact, I would hazard a guess that 90% of her posts are about her new MM or one thing or another about her other career. And since we all know that, just because we mention it we already KNOW it's not a hurtful thing to discuss. Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Hey Tony..the definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results...I do not think you will get your point across with some. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Well guys, I have to move on to other things. Just let it be clear that if you don't show good taste, good judgment and sensitivity in these forums you will receive an infraction. If you feel anger towards a poster because he or she has broken up a family, you cannot give the kind of advice and support that person is seeking. Have a great day and thank you for participating in this thread. At least we kept it on topic...that makes my day! If you're happy I'm happy Tony. Have a good one yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Leia Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Ok since some of us are insensitive when it comes to this particular board, isn't it also, insensitive of those who rub it in the BSs' nose about how an affair can help their marriages? Isn't it insensitive of some of these OW to claim that they make MM a much happier person, knowing that there are BS on LS trying to get over their MP having an affair? I'm confused. I see a lot of OW getting away with insensitive remarks and yet, BS or those who do not support affair are being told they are insensitive. Not to mentioned we are always being reported on Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 I see your point. However, form an efficiency standpoint...little change happens without relationship...on here you can build that bond by showing the other person that you understand where they are coming from...so they don't feel that you are just judging them or assuming you know what is best for them based on limited information. If you can show them you get them by reflecting what they are saying and asking some insightful questions then they will let their defenses down and be able to hear another perspective. This has been my experience in helping people in crisis for many years now. Change rarely happens without relationship. I see your point DI. Of course the OP is in pain, they hurt, their needs often go unmet. They are caught up in the moment. I typically advise to take a step back and extricate them self from the thing that is causing their life to be confusing or unhappy. My other point was that typically the OP may see what I'm saying but it is another poster that does not. I rarely post on the typical OM/OW thread in the first place but it is usually so polarized between a few posers insisting they are right in flaming the OW and a few posters flaming the BS ha anything other that "good job" or "do whatever makes you happy right now" is lost. I think cleaning up 2 types of posters from the board would be helpful instead of just the one type. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Makes no difference. The fact is that people's knowledge of this has caused much problems on this board. If I am a triple axe murderer and everyone in town knows that, I still don't want that fact to be brought up everywhere I go...... what are you talking about!? are you serious? In NO offense to Lizzie, (she knows this) but when we are talking about an OW who is "fighting just to breathe" because of the pain and turmoil she is going through due to the bullsh*t the MM gives her, how can the perception of an OW who is perfectly fine with her "boy toys" give any support to the OP?? Especially a new one? Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 what are you talking about!? are you serious? In NO offense to Lizzie, (she knows this) but when we are talking about an OW who is "fighting just to breathe" because of the pain and turmoil she is going through due to the bullsh*t the MM gives her, how can the perception of an OW who is perfectly fine with her "boy toys" give any support to the OP?? Especially a new one? VERY good point, Stamp! Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 again, I mean absolutely no offense to Lizzie. I don't "know her", and I do consider her a "friend" here at LS... And I know she has offered some very good supportive advice, I see it all the time.. However, in her honesty, which is great, it can cause some issues as we have seen.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Just why is it necessary to rattle this off??? This is an example, in my opinion, of bad judgment. You can make your point without bringing up the personal life of another member. Thank you Tony for bringing this up... Most of the time.. when I do not even mention anything about my lifestyle.. someone has to put it in my face.. this seem to be constant for some members (bitter or angry...whatever)... Then they say they have no problem with my lifestyle.. go figure. . Some might not consider me an OW.. good for them.. I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 You are entitled to your opinions, but that's all it is, your opinion. I consider it very relevant to the topic of OP. It's not as though Lizzie hasn't detailed her personal life here on a daily basis...puhleeezzzeee. I am stating the facts just as she has explained them ad nauseum herself, am I not? Alright then.. I challenge you to pm me ALL my 'daily' posts (as you say) where I 'detail' my private life.. (when someone has NOT bring it up FIRST)... I'm serious.. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 To answer the original Question -- for me; support is not blowing sunshine up someone's butt when I see the train headed their way OR telling them the scar really isn't going to show after the train hit when yes, the scar WILL show. Each situation is different and for ME, my views are tapered depending on the person, the history and the situation. Also, I have been an OW, I know the heartache involved. And without a doubt, falling for someone who is in a committed relationship will bring heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Lizzie has been very open about her MM's and why she sees them. This is certainly no secret, and I don't think she cares who knows. You're right.. I don't really care ... but to have it constantly rubbed in my face as if I can't give good advices just because of my lifestyle.. it gets very frustrating at times.. I don,t think that any OW or any woman on this board has had as many 'lovers' as I have...single and/or married.. so I think I might know a thing or two about men... maybe more than those who are angry at me and only had one lover (their H).. Nothing wrong with having only one man... but to say that someone has better advices just because they have never cheated or never been with other men than their H.. is a little 'dumb'.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Congratulations, I'm sure Lizzie is grateful for your unwaivering support. IO.. what all this hate towards me... What have I done to you? honestly? tell me.. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 Ok since some of us are insensitive when it comes to this particular board, isn't it also, insensitive of those who rub it in the BSs' nose about how an affair can help their marriages? Isn't it insensitive of some of these OW to claim that they make MM a much happier person, knowing that there are BS on LS trying to get over their MP having an affair? I'm confused. I see a lot of OW getting away with insensitive remarks and yet, BS or those who do not support affair are being told they are insensitive. Not to mentioned we are always being reported on The point is.. if the OW/OM forum is too painful to read.. the BS who is suffering just need to make a good decision about her 'sanity' and stay away from that forum.. If I remember well.. this is the OW/OM forum.. for support or anything they feel like posting.. I stay away from forums who really get to me... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 1, 2009 Share Posted October 1, 2009 what are you talking about!? are you serious? In NO offense to Lizzie, (she knows this) but when we are talking about an OW who is "fighting just to breathe" because of the pain and turmoil she is going through due to the bullsh*t the MM gives her, how can the perception of an OW who is perfectly fine with her "boy toys" give any support to the OP?? Especially a new one? Stamp.. in all cases, I will give the advice I feel the OP needs.. in many cases, I have told them to move on.. in MANY cases.. We can only respond to what we read.. we don,t always have all the details... you know that.. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts