What is "support" in the OM/OW Forum?

[2sure]

Support for OW. Interesting to me this week. OK - most of you know that I spent a few years as an OW to multiple MM , but currently I am a BS of the worst kind of serial cheater and also driving the crazy train.

 

In an effort to ...I dont know, a bunch of things - I emailed ALL of H's OW. All that I could find. It was pretty much a form letter explaining that they had been duped. They didnt know his real first name, phone #, or anything about him...but that I had all on them...as in full names, phone #s addresses, spouses names, all that. I didnt threaten anyone, I just stated simply "Look! If I was nuts, I could ruin your life." It was just a heads up.

 

Many responded, obviously, and I had to put their fears of retribution to rest. I know I'm supposed to tell OW's H about an affair....and normally I would...but this just seems different. Several of them were in tears and I end up consoling them (another one just today). So far, I have :

 

Referred one woman to a domestic violence support organization that I used to work at.

 

Had coffee with another who wanted ideas on how she could make her life happier without cheating.

 

I have one OW's HUSBAND (big fiasco here, she is the only one my H wasnt banging) helping him try to figure out how to cope with his wife's lies.

 

I'm done. I mean - I never wanted to spite any of these people, but for god's sake...if I have to befriend every woman that has f'd my husband...I'm just NOT that social.

 

Its the strangest thing. They are just lonely.

 

Supportive ...ha...more than you know. But its helped me too.

 

I have to admit however, that I have caused a couple of sh*t storms with those that were just really awful to me. I dont feel bad yet.

[Tony]

OMG.. Tony.. you're having a depression.. poor baby.. We'll help you sweetheart..

 

No, I'm not having a depression...the entire world is...the economy....google: financial depression...like in 1929. Haven't you been reading the news???

[whichwayisup]

I think she misread your wording of 'the depression' and thought you meant you're depressed.. (Many folks who are depressed call it "the depression"..)

 

Anyway, support comes in all forms - Harsh yet wise, harsh yet respectful, even those who post emotionally (and it comes off rudely) DO care, otherwise they wouldn't bother posting in the first place. Sympathy, empathy goes a long way - That's not hand holding, it's letting the person know you understand their pain, but at the same time doesn't mean you agree with what they're doing.

 

I know I've given harsh advice at times, and those who know me, know it comes from the heart.

[boldjack]

Tony, If we are having our posts deleted for going off-topic, don't you think you should set an example and stay on-topic, too? Just sayin.

[Tony]

Tony, If we are having our posts deleted for going off-topic, don't you think you should set an example and stay on-topic, too? Just sayin.

 

Yeah, I suppose!

[herenow]

Yeah, I suppose!

 

You are only human Tony. Hope I'm not being to harsh.

[NoIDidn't]

So when is the equivalent of this thread going to be in the Infidelity section? When is Tony going to tell the OPs NOT to post there as he basically just implied here?

 

I'm serious.

 

I can't believe that I just read a MOD basically say that BSs are not welcome in this forum.

 

I can't believe that I just read a thread that says no one should ever tell OPs about the consequences of their actions, as it might not be supportive in tone.

 

I am not a therapist. I do not have a Ph.D. in Psychology. So forgive me if I don't only consider the OP as the only person that exists in these triangles.

 

What a disappointing read.

[Ms. Red]

I can't believe that I just read a MOD basically say that BSs are not welcome in this forum.

 

He never said that.

I can't believe that I just read a thread that says no one should ever tell OPs about the consequences of their actions, as it might not be supportive in tone.

 

You must have read a different thread than I did because I didn't see that at all.

[Tony]

In response to NoIDidn't:

 

1. So when is the equivalent of this thread going to be in the Infidelity section?

 

Hopefully, everyone will see this one. All applies.

 

2. When is Tony going to tell the OPs NOT to post there as he basically just implied here?

 

Anybody can post anywhere. What we are stressing is that when you're acting as an unbiased and unaffected third party advisor you serve those in need in a dispassionate, understanding manner free of judgment, sarcasm and meanness...and absent the lectures.

 

3. I can't believe that I just read a MOD basically say that BSs are not welcome in this forum.

 

All people are welcome in this forum, unless they insist on violating our guidelines, are mean or just don't care about others. I can't believe you read that either because I never wrote that and didn't see anybody else write it either. Please give us a link to the post and we'll gladly edit the mistake.

 

4. I can't believe that I just read a thread that says no one should ever tell OPs about the consequences of their actions, as it might not be supportive in tone.

Nobody said that either. However, 99.9999999 percent of the people who come to this forum ALREADY KNOW the consequences of their actions and are not looking to be told. If that's what they wanted, they would ask specifically. If they have not make it clear what they need, ask them!

 

5. I am not a therapist. I do not have a Ph.D. in Psychology. So forgive me if I don't only consider the OP as the only person that exists in these triangles.

 

You are forgiven and you are not wrong here because there are lots of people involved. However, we are mainly concerned about the person who has come to the site and posted a need for assistance. Unless they are mentally deficient in some way, they have to understand the consequences of their actions on all parties without our lectures.

 

6. What a disappointing read.

 

I'm sorry you are disappointed. I'm always happy to correct misunderstandings.

[ForumFool]

Would it be fair to say it would be more supportive for posters to not say someone is bitter but that they are hurting ...as in...I hear what you are saying and I am thinking your pain may be getting in the way of seeing so and so's topic objectively...(IF you must comment on someone else's post at all)..or that someone is in love or infatuated and not a whore?

 

Can it be agreed names need not be used like bitter and whore etc...I find it hurts some to be called bitter and some to be called other names...so being people have stated that these words hurt them ...it comes to reason the divide could be closed by not name calling EVEN if YOU don't think it's name calling.

 

Also it has to hurt and frustrate some when they NEED help and 2 or 4 members start fighting and picking on what **each other said instead** of just talking to the OP and supporting them. I see this on both areas.

 

Personally I find it safer to post my posts and not try to correct or change someone else's post to the OP or berate them...I mean how are you/we supporting anyone when they get forgotten in a battlefield of infighting?

 

I really find this thread to be of great value and am going to try even more than I have to be more supportive..but at the same time I hope that extends to others and other forums not just this one

[Lizzie60]

No, I'm not having a depression...the entire world is...the economy....google: financial depression...like in 1929. Haven't you been reading the news???

 

Yes.. I was just being silly...

[silktricks]

I think that every time a BS steps on OW/OM turf, they should get banned and vice versa. It's a conflict of interests, bound to get messy. Few people, as Tony pointed out, have the class and maturity to be civil. Understandably so perhaps but that still doesn't help the OP who is looking for support.

What about all the people who are (or have been) both OW/OM and BS?

[Lizzie60]

What about all the people who are (or have been) both OW/OM and BS?

 

Exactly.. I don't think it's about stopping to post on one forum or the other.. it's ONLY about the way it is posted... the nastiness.. the biotching around.. the name calling..

 

If everyone is civil..there is NO problem on ANY forums..

[whichwayisup]

If everyone is civil..there is NO problem on ANY forums..

 

Very true, but unfortunately some people post with their hearts on their sleeves, and can take words out of context, or the wrong way.. Emotionally charged posts can cause reaction, even if respect is there.. A huge problem is when ego's get in the way and then the thread ends up in a match of who's right, who's wrong..

[OWoman]

First, some o/t responses:

 

I personally have never seen a single OW called a whore on here. I have never seen "Wow, you are a whore".

 

I have been called a whore, on a number of occasions. I have also seen other OWs called whores, sluts and the like. Where I've seen it, I've reported it. To their credit, the Mods were quick to respond each time and the posts removed. So, those who haven't seen it, will just have to take the word of those of us who have - backed up by the word of the Mod who removed it.

 

A quick question for the OW. What would happen in real life if you met the BW and she called you some "no so nice" names? Would you ask her to say it in a nicer way? Why can't this forum be like real life?

 

IRL I'd charge her with crimen injuria, if there were witnesses, or rearrange her face, if there weren't. It's not a mistake she'd make twice.

 

However, I'm able to separate my personal life from posters here, so I don't treat every BS like my H's xW, nor do I treat every MM like my H, nor every OW as myself. It wouldn't be appropriate.

 

Right, back on topic:

 

There is no need to start a thread on meeting someone new and wanting to boink that new guy but oh well, some people get away with that sort of thing.

 

If the person is seeking support or advice, they do indeed have a "need", and indeed a right, to start just such a thread - whether or not anyone else's intellectual capacity can stretch far enough to grasp that.

 

There's nothing to "get away" with - perhaps you should familiarise yourself with the ToS if you're unsure why this forum exists?

 

 

I don't feel the need to be a tatter-tale to the upper people. So highschool. I guess some people haven't left highschool behind.

 

How silly of me to think that there is fairness played on LS!

 

I'm sure Tony is grateful you didn't waste his time with spurious reporting of completely unproblematic posts (as defined by the ToS, not as defined by any individual poster's personal sensitivities).

 

Fairness exists to the extent to which posters are mature enough to allow it. Beyond that, the Mods have to step in and enforce it.

[Lizzie60]

Well said OWoman.. I totally agree with everything you said..

[donnamaybe]

Don't you think that people know that the MM/MW lied? I mean that is obvious. Stating the obvious in that manner comes off as attacking. Sorry to burst your bubble...it just does.

 

But, DI, the problem is that most OW/OM think the MM/MW lies ONLY to the BS, and we ALL know that is most often NOT the case.

[whichwayisup]

But, DI, the problem is that most OW/OM think the MM/MW lies ONLY to the BS, and we ALL know that is most often NOT the case.

 

True, but the thing is, if someone truly believes their MM or MW isn't lying or omitting truths, there's nothing anyone can do to convince them otherwise..Eventually an OW/OM finds out on her/his own that lies happen all around, not just to the BS.

[donnamaybe]

True, but the thing is, if someone truly believes their MM or MW isn't lying or omitting truths, there's nothing anyone can do to convince them otherwise..Eventually an OW/OM finds out on her/his own that lies happen all around, not just to the BS.

 

And after that happens, the kind thing to do is to NOT say "I told you so."

[NoIDidn't]

In response to NoIDidn't:

 

1. So when is the equivalent of this thread going to be in the Infidelity section?

 

Hopefully, everyone will see this one. All applies.

 

2. When is Tony going to tell the OPs NOT to post there as he basically just implied here?

 

Anybody can post anywhere. What we are stressing is that when you're acting as an unbiased and unaffected third party advisor you serve those in need in a dispassionate, understanding manner free of judgment, sarcasm and meanness...and absent the lectures.

 

3. I can't believe that I just read a MOD basically say that BSs are not welcome in this forum.

 

All people are welcome in this forum, unless they insist on violating our guidelines, are mean or just don't care about others. I can't believe you read that either because I never wrote that and didn't see anybody else write it either. Please give us a link to the post and we'll gladly edit the mistake.

 

4. I can't believe that I just read a thread that says no one should ever tell OPs about the consequences of their actions, as it might not be supportive in tone.

 

Nobody said that either. However, 99.9999999 percent of the people who come to this forum ALREADY KNOW the consequences of their actions and are not looking to be told. If that's what they wanted, they would ask specifically. If they have not make it clear what they need, ask them!

 

5. I am not a therapist. I do not have a Ph.D. in Psychology. So forgive me if I don't only consider the OP as the only person that exists in these triangles.

 

You are forgiven and you are not wrong here because there are lots of people involved. However, we are mainly concerned about the person who has come to the site and posted a need for assistance. Unless they are mentally deficient in some way, they have to understand the consequences of their actions on all parties without our lectures.

 

6. What a disappointing read.

 

I'm sorry you are disappointed. I'm always happy to correct misunderstandings.

 

Thanks for the clarification.

 

I'm certain you weren't saying that all that have been betrayed aren't allowed to post here. I can certainly understand that some people are just here to vent their frustrations on people that have little to nothing to do with their actual problems, and do not need to post in this forum if it triggers them. And yes, that goes for ALL forums (including Infidelity).

 

I'm glad you wrote the part that all are welcome, just leave the judgments and condescending lectures behind. Completely understandable. But the clarification needed to come from you before some posters (even though I was being as below), will start repeating that certain kinds of people are not welcome to post here, and will use your words to try to prove that point.

 

Some of what I said was tongue-in-cheek (to a degree). But I am grateful that you responded nonetheless.

 

Happy Posting, Everyone!

 

(I decided against majoring in the psychological field when I realized that there was no point in trying to understand 'crazy'. Mentally ill is VERY different from 'crazy'. Computers and numbers are never crazy!)

[NoIDidn't]

I try not to address the character of the OP (original poster) or their MP/AP in my posts. Unless it is clear for all to see, but even then, I try not to say anything negative about their character without qualifying it in some way.

 

Its hurtful to have a poster basically slam someone that you care about. Whether that love and care is misguided (sometimes) or not.

 

No OP wants to hear that their MP is a dog. No BS (current or former) needs to hear judgment about the state of their marriage, about how disgusting the actions of their WS, or how they are terrible people.

 

Not always easy to do. Some posters really do provoke you to respond in kind. But I'm finding it easier to ignore those posts in this forum (at least).

[OWoman]

The bottomline is, the OW/OM obviously don't want to hear anything at all from the BS. They want us to go away, just like they want us to go away in their real lives...if only we didn't exist, all their problems would disappear.

 

Just go back a few pages, didn't one poster come right out and say that BS should be banned from this forum? What is she afraid of? If they don't hear from us, it's easier to remain in denial.

 

Funny, when we've already heard exactly the opposite:

 

I am grateful to everyone on here that has helped me.

 

I have received great advice from some BSs (Aquarius and Sunflower for starters) that related to me their experiences without judgement.

 

As an OW, the most helpful opinions have come from both other OWs and BSs that tell me what happened in their situation without judging me as a person for my situation.

 

Hey, ya'll remember this cat named OWL... Now HE was supportive.....

 

...and plenty more, but I'll let you find those for yourselves

[boldjack]

The difference between "support and enabling", and "support and bashing", is subjective to each poster. I think that it is mostly up to the OP to decide if they want advice, or if they just want a cheerleading section. Too many OP's only want validation, and if someone has a difference of opinion, they are labeled as "bashing". Life isn't one big group hug, and never will be.

[OWoman]

how can the perception of an OW who is perfectly fine with her "boy toys" give any support to the OP?? Especially a new one?

 

Other OWs on this forum never apologized for being a OW.. we have very similar stories.... one had many MMs .. and that was her choice.. I will not name her.. I will let her say it herself.. but there are many who are enjoying their MM... they're not always agonizing..

 

Not every OW's situation is awful. Not every OW is unhappy with her situation. And not every OW posting here is seeking advice on how to end the A and find herself a nice, albeit boring, SG.

 

And, while many, if not most, posters here feel that As are inherently painful and destructive situations, it's also nice for noob posters to see that these things can sometimes work out, and aren't necessarily the heartbreaking roller coaster to nowhere many would have them believe.

 

What's important is for posters to respond to the OP, and the OP's situation, rather than their own. Ultimately, the OP is the one who has to decide whether their own particular situation is a winner or a hellride, and what they're going to do about it.

[OWoman]

Too many OP's only want validation

 

Please post links - I've never seen any of these threads.