What I learned from my experience.

[howcouldInotknow]

I was dating this man for about a year he was separated from his wife for over a year when I met him. They were waiting for the divorce to be finalized. So we began dating after I askedhim over and over where was he emotionally in terms of the way his marriage ended and things like that. We began dating. Everything was great we were in love or so I thought. He let me redecorate his house, we would take trips together. He lavished me with attention and went out of his way to meet my emotional needs. He asked me to move in (I said no). He went out and bought me the most beautiful engagement ring.

In July I became aware of his wife suddenly trying to throw a wrench in the divorce proceedings and at that point I was ready to leave because I didnt want to get caught up in someone else's mess. He begged me not to leave told me how much he loved me and I listened (against my better judgement) and then about a month later he doesn't call me before bed. For the first time since we met. I knew something was wrong. I called him and left a message and went to bed. The next morning i woke up and called again he didn't pick up. Then about half an hour later I recieve a text saying "I might be reconciling with my wife" I literally felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. It was devastating to say the least. When we talked he didn't want to answer questions he was not the man I knew. (this is two days before we were supposed to leave for vacation together) All he told me was we had dinner last night and realized there is still something there. Two days later he blocked my number. I literally fell apart. I couldnt understand what happened. How can you be completely in love with me on Saturday and over it on Sunday. For about two weeks I cried everyday. The first week I was awak 24/7 I literally never slept.

Then one day I sat down and took a long hard look at things and realized I was the other woman. Despite his claims to the opposite I was the other woman and never quite aware of it. It was the most amazing epiphany I have ever had. It put so much into perspective and now a month later I don't think about it. I don't cry, it doesn't even hurt anymore. I wish him and his wife the best of luck and I truly hope they can make it work. Even if it doesn't work out for them my doors are permanently shut. Ladies please if you know that a man is married RUN RUN RUN. It is just not worth the headache or the heartache

[Morelikeher]

My situation was identical to yours. My xMM was separated and according to him, had every intention on following through in the divorce. He had set up a lawyer and they were discussing the details - no children involved.

 

She found out about me and all of a sudden things were completely different. He would not answer my calls and every email I received from him had an air of finality to it.

 

He showed up on my porch and told me he was going back to his wife. I felt like the air had been knocked out of me! Out of anger/shock, I never discussed why he had made that decision. He set up NC with me immediately, although we both broke it a couple of times.

 

We have been NC for about six weeks now. Some days are better than others. The hard part is wrapping my brain around how he could go from "I love you" to "nevermind, I need to work on my marriage". I was like you, completely shocked - it was totally unexpected and I had no time to prepare for it.

 

I am with you, I would never suggest someone to get involved with a separated MM. I justified it because of this and regardless, it was wrong. If you feel in your heart that this is the person is for you, then wait till after they divorce (and even then, give it time before you start dating).

 

I don't feel as if I will ever truly forgive myself. I felt that I really loved this man. It is out of this love, that I am going to honor the NC and let him work on his marriage. But, I still struggle with missing him every day.

[howcouldInotknow]

I know exactly what you mean. She basically found out about me and wanted her marriage back. I dont necessarily think he is happy. Because he did tell me this is probably the biggest mistake he will ever make. Oh believe me I struggle with missing him as well. But I don't dwell on it. I don't punish myself over it because honestly I feel that there is a lot he didn't tell me. The divorce papers were filed then she started contesting the settlement and requested he contact her without a lawyer so he did and then things went from there. In my opinion their marriage ultimately will not work out because they have separated before (this was the first time he has dated someone). I didn't have a justification for it in my head because I asked him on our first date if he felt as if he were over her enough to move on with his life and if he still had strong emotional ties to the relationship and he always said no. So if anyone is at fault here it is him because he was not honest with me about what he felt. September 30th made it officially a month and I honestly feel that I am ready to close that chapter. I do believe in my heart he will be back but I would never want to be with him again. The trust would not be there. All I am telling other women is don't sell yourself short there is a SINGLE man out there that can invest all of his emotion in you

[Morelikeher]

Two days after he told me it was over between us, he contacted me to say he was heartbroken and wanted to work it out. That going back to his wife was a mistake. That he only loved me and that it was the financial aspect causing him to go back to her.

 

When I emailed him back the VERY next day, his story was again, that his marriage was his priority. I was livid. Too wishy-washy for me. This man is seriously confused and doesn't know what he wants!

 

I am grateful that he has mantained NC, although very worried that he will come back one day. My hope is that I am strong enough to tell him to leave me alone. His marriage has always been rocky ...this I heard from others after it was over (live in a small town).

 

The hard part for me is that I am constantly running into him. I am constantly changing my routine, but in a small town, it just happens. I am trying to stay busy as well, which helps keep me focused on something else.

 

My advice is NEVER get involved with a MM. It is absolutely painful all across the board. I can guarantee I will never be in this place again.

[howcouldInotknow]

I am with you on that one. Thankfully he and I do not live close enough to run into each other but it is hard. I think when he does come back i will be able to say no. One month later I have met what appears to be a very sweet SINGLE guy and i am taking it slow because its scary starting to date again after something like this

[tinktronik]

I was dating this man for about a year, he was separated from his wife for over a year when I met him. They were waiting for the divorce to be finalized.

 

So we began dating. After I asked him over and over where was he emotionally, in terms of the way his marriage ended and things like that. We began dating.

 

Everything was great we were in love; or so I thought. He let me redecorate his house, we would take trips together. He lavished me with attention and went out of his way to meet my emotional needs. He asked me to move in (I said no). He went out and bought me the most beautiful engagement ring.

 

In July I became aware of his wife suddenly trying to throw a wrench in the divorce proceedings and at that point I was ready to leave because I didnt want to get caught up in someone else's mess. He begged me not to leave, told me how much he loved me and I listened (against my better judgement) and then, about a month later he doesn't call me before bed.

 

For the first time since we met. I knew something was wrong. I called him and left a message and went to bed. The next morning I woke up and called again he didn't pick up. Then about half an hour later I recieve a text saying "I might be reconciling with my wife." I literally felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. It was devastating to say the least.

 

When we talked he didn't want to answer questions. He was not the man I knew. (This is two days before we were supposed to leave for vacation together.) All he told me was we had dinner last night and realized there is still something there. Two days later he blocked my number. I literally fell apart. I couldnt understand what happened. How can you be completely in love with me on Saturday and over it on Sunday?

 

For about two weeks I cried everyday. The first week I was awake 24/7; I literally never slept. Then one day I sat down and took a long hard look at things and realized I was the other woman. Despite his claims to the opposite, I was the other woman and never quite aware of it. It was the most amazing epiphany I have ever had. It put so much into perspective and now, a month later, I don't think about it. I don't cry, it doesn't even hurt anymore. I wish him and his wife the best of luck and I truly hope they can make it work. Even if it doesn't work out for them my doors are permanently shut.

 

Ladies please if you know that a man is married RUN RUN RUN. It is just not worth the headache or the heartache

 

 

I'm very glad you were able to heal from your experience.

[VictoryisMine]

HowCouldINotKnow, This has got to be one of the worst 'didn't see it coming' story i have ever heard of on the web or real life.

 

I can sympathize, and i could so see that coming my way with my MM. I'm prepared for the blow.

 

And your right, there is no way, no how i would EVER do this again to myself either. Period.

[howcouldInotknow]

It was very I didnt see it coming but surprisingly I am not angry at him, I am not bitter or anything like that. I have finally managed to let go and I feel free. I don't wonder about what he and his wife are doing. I don't ask myself whether he misses me or not. I didn't see it coming especially when not even a week earlier he asked me to be his wife with a beautiful 2.75 carat diamond ring and the morning before we split he says I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I would describe it as coming out of a fog. I was in this love haze that clouded everything. I appreciate everything I have learned from this experience and I am at peace with it

[VictoryisMine]

HowCouldINotKnow, it wouldn't be my first time,(break-up) but it is with a MM. Something so different with this kind of relationship.

 

I usually get over them quick too. Not saying it doesn't hurt like the hell but...

 

I go out a lot, have a lot of hangout friends. How did you get over it so quickly?

[fooled once]

So much of this is so familiar to me -- it is eery. Almost makes me wonder if there is a cheating MM handbook out there

 

I found out he was staying with is wife when he called me after they started their move ACROSS COUNTRY. Yep - up until that phone call, I kept hearing how SHE was moving and when the moving truck came, they would be taking his stuff to an apartment he rented. The day of the move, I didn't hear from him. I heard from him the next day and he was calling from 2 states away (from a pay phone and I know the state because I looked up the area code - this was before cell phones were popular). He called to tell me he was just going to move with her, get her set up and he would be back.

 

Yeah, I didn't wait.

But boy did I hurt.

 

I hurt for a long time. I felt so used. I felt so stupid. I felt so ashamed.

 

I eventually stopped berating myself and beating myself up.

 

I am sorry you were hurt. No one deserves to be hurt like that. No way do I believe the xMM I was seeing nor the xMM you were seeing didn't realize what they felt for their W all along. I don't think anyone should give up on a marriage, but don't string someone else along until you make up your mind.

[howcouldInotknow]

HowCouldINotKnow, it wouldn't be my first time,(break-up) but it is with a MM. Something so different with this kind of relationship.

 

I usually get over them quick too. Not saying it doesn't hurt like the hell but...

 

I go out a lot, have a lot of hangout friends. How did you get over it so quickly?

 

 

I took a couple of weeks to myself then I have wonderful friends who helped me a lot.

[howcouldInotknow]

So much of this is so familiar to me -- it is eery. Almost makes me wonder if there is a cheating MM handbook out there

 

I found out he was staying with is wife when he called me after they started their move ACROSS COUNTRY. Yep - up until that phone call, I kept hearing how SHE was moving and when the moving truck came, they would be taking his stuff to an apartment he rented. The day of the move, I didn't hear from him. I heard from him the next day and he was calling from 2 states away (from a pay phone and I know the state because I looked up the area code - this was before cell phones were popular). He called to tell me he was just going to move with her, get her set up and he would be back.

 

Yeah, I didn't wait.

But boy did I hurt.

 

I hurt for a long time. I felt so used. I felt so stupid. I felt so ashamed.

 

I eventually stopped berating myself and beating myself up.

 

I am sorry you were hurt. No one deserves to be hurt like that. No way do I believe the xMM I was seeing nor the xMM you were seeing didn't realize what they felt for their W all along. I don't think anyone should give up on a marriage, but don't string someone else along until you make up your mind.

 

 

This might seem odd but I dont think I was strung along. I honestly believe that he met her figured out there was still something there and ended it. Thats fine with me. My major issue was that feelings like this do not appear out of nowhere so at some point when he was with me was he missing her and never honest about it. Did he love me? Yes I think he did is that important? No its not. I would never begrudge him any happiness and if that happiness is with his wife then I want him to be with her and be happy.

[VictoryisMine]

Quote:...then i want him to be with her and be happy. Unquote:

 

Call me evil, but after wasting almost a year of my life (my situation) And he decides ...as Morelikeher says.... 'nevermind' oh hell no, i'd be running to the voodoo store buying some.... voodoo.

[howcouldInotknow]

I deeply believe in karma and every tear I cried will fall back on him. He will never be happy with her. He wasn't before he will not be in the future. So I don't feel the need to do anything to him because I feel that he has created his own misery.

[fooled once]

This might seem odd but I dont think I was strung along. I honestly believe that he met her figured out there was still something there and ended it. Thats fine with me. My major issue was that feelings like this do not appear out of nowhere so at some point when he was with me was he missing her and never honest about it. Did he love me? Yes I think he did is that important? No its not. I would never begrudge him any happiness and if that happiness is with his wife then I want him to be with her and be happy.

 

That is exactly what I meant by being strung along (what I just bolded). Sorry I didn't make that clearer.

[fooled once]

I deeply believe in karma and every tear I cried will fall back on him. He will never be happy with her. He wasn't before he will not be in the future. So I don't feel the need to do anything to him because I feel that he has created his own misery.

 

I believe in Karma too.

 

Not to go off topic but if he wasn't happy with her to begin with, why did he marry her? I ask because I know a lot of 2nd wives who always talk about how their H never loved his first wife because so many 2nd wives have such a hard time understanding why/how their H loved the first wife. They don't want to admit it; they want to pretend that all these men were forced at gunpoint to marry the first time

[bentnotbroken]

I deeply believe in karma and every tear I cried will fall back on him. He will never be happy with her. He wasn't before he will not be in the future. So I don't feel the need to do anything to him because I feel that he has created his own misery.

 

 

This would imply that you want her to suffer too. Do you think that maybe because there wasn't a divorce decree, a percentage of the responsibility does fall on you. A year is a long a time. How much time does one really need to secure a divorce after being separated for such a long time.

[howcouldInotknow]

They were married for less than two years. When I met him she had been out of the picture for more than a year already. I never said he didn't love her. I said he wasn't happy. I do believe that somewhere inside he loves her which is part of the reason he went back. Also being comfortable with her is also another factor in their reconciliation. He told me he didnt think I took our relationship as seriously as he did. There was a bit of an age difference between us. I also think all along there was a voice in the back of my head telling me to be careful but it was all still a surprise when it did happen. I was puzzled by his behavior for the first couple of weeks, how could we have gotten to where we were and he just changes his mind so easily and I realized because he never had closure with her and part of him was still in that relationship. In the end I think it was good for us both he went back because I do not want to be with a man who would always look at his ex wondering what if

[fooled once]

*sigh*

 

I never said you said he didn't love her; but why would someone get married if they weren't happy with that person and didn't love them (besides knocking her up).

 

Forget it, I was just trying to help.

[howcouldInotknow]

No I am not trying to jump down your throat so please don't take it that way. I think he married her because he loved her. Another reason why I would never take him back they do not have children together so I know any ties he has to her are completely from his own emotions

[VictoryisMine]

HowCouldINotKnow... I am sorry this has happened to you.... forgot to mention that earlier.

[howcouldInotknow]

you know what I am kind of sad it happened as well but in another way not so life goes on and I dont intend to let it pass me by while I wait for a man who ask we speak could be having sex with his wife.

[VictoryisMine]

I guarantee, there's more fighting than lovemaking... with them.

[howcouldInotknow]

This would imply that you want her to suffer too. Do you think that maybe because there wasn't a divorce decree, a percentage of the responsibility does fall on you. A year is a long a time. How much time does one really need to secure a divorce after being separated for such a long time.

 

 

The divorce was within weeks of being final then she started to squabble about the settlement and that is what created the problem. He earns about 5 times more than she does. At the time they each owned their own house and they were married for less than twp years and so they were each basically supposed to walk away with what they came into the marriage with, but she contested it. He didnt want to give her anymore so there was a back and forth. No I do not think a percentage of the responsibility falls on me. I also dont think him being miserable will make her miserable. Their marriage was over a long time ago and its just a matter of time before the both realize this and its not my fault. Any heart ache that comes as a result of their reconciliation has nothing to do with me. I am no longer part of this equation

[bentnotbroken]

The divorce was within weeks of being final then she started to squabble about the settlement and that is what created the problem. He earns about 5 times more than she does. At the time they each owned their own house and they were married for less than twp years and so they were each basically supposed to walk away with what they came into the marriage with, but she contested it. He didnt want to give her anymore so there was a back and forth. No I do not think a percentage of the responsibility falls on me. I also dont think him being miserable will make her miserable. Their marriage was over a long time ago and its just a matter of time before the both realize this and its not my fault. Any heart ache that comes as a result of their reconciliation has nothing to do with me. I am no longer part of this equation

 

 

But within weeks of being final isn't the same as being final. As you have learned through this experience having the final divorce decree would have at least afforded you the knowledge that he had made a choice and stuck to it.

 

Did he tell you all the things about his wife, or did you get the information from another source? If he told you, how do you know he was really being truthful. I didn't mean their heartache would be your fault, but that your heartache could have been avoided by your actions being different.