Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 How exactly could my actions have been different. The only way my actions could have been different was to not date him at all. What I know about her was told to me by his family his friends. She never contested the terms of the divorce until we ran into her sister and husband. I honestly do not believe I did anything wrong. If he was emotionally still attached to his wife it was his duty to say so not mine to figure it out. I am not a mind reader. As for my heartache it is my own to deal with and in fact I think I have dealt with it pretty well Link to post Share on other sites
WalkInThePark Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 An interesting perspective on this kind of duality is the "split self affair" as explained in the book by Emily Brown: "Affairs: a guide to working through the repercussions of infidelity." It explains the duality these men have between doing the right thing and following their feelings. The affair is basically an externalisation of the fact that they are "split", that their heart and brain is not properly linked. I think that this explains a lot of the "cake-eating" and "fencesitting" we can read about on this site. The cure should be IC where they can make up their mind about who they are and what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 An interesting perspective on this kind of duality is the "split self affair" as explained in the book by Emily Brown: "Affairs: a guide to working through the repercussions of infidelity." It explains the duality these men have between doing the right thing and following their feelings. The affair is basically an externalisation of the fact that they are "split", that their heart and brain is not properly linked. I think that this explains a lot of the "cake-eating" and "fencesitting" we can read about on this site. The cure should be IC where they can make up their mind about who they are and what they want. Have her theories been tested? What was her sample size? When was her study conducted? I am very interested in her results, do you the specifics? It seems like something I can use in my support group. Link to post Share on other sites
WalkInThePark Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Have her theories been tested? What was her sample size? When was her study conducted? I am very interested in her results, do you the specifics? It seems like something I can use in my support group. bentnotbroken, you can find more about her and her theories on www.affairs-help.com. I certainly find her typology of affairs interesting. I was in any case impressed with the way she described the A between me and me xMM very accurately. Link to post Share on other sites
JumpinJimmy Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 HCINK, wow! What a slam dunk. I am reeling from that story, and I'm a heartless prick. I applaude you on your NC, and please do not give this man the time of day again. He is beneath you and you deserve much better than that. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 I think you r better off without this person.Someday they would have done the same thing to you,All relationships have hard times.the one cheating already proved how they handle it.this person is thinking only about their self and the ones involved with the cheater r getting hurt. either side sucks find someone who is honest and can give you all their love. sorry you hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Boy can I ever relate to this. In several ways at that. As a child watching a parent go through it, and then later on myself. My mother's fiance told her he was divorced - until his W found out about her and my brother from his Mom (who was so proud and beaming to finally have a grandchild). It was devastating to my entire family when he left "us" (not just my mom, we were planning their wedding!!!). Then, my ex. I guess it could be said that we were having an EA (not quite, though we didn't talk often unless he called me) since we were saying that we still loved each other - but I was married by then. One day I called him, just to talk, and he tells me his W doesn't want me calling her home. My jaw dropped! I didn't even know he was married. I knew she and he were engaged at one point, but not that they were married and even living in the same house. I was floored. I really felt like I should have seen that coming with the ex. I was his OW several times with her before they married. I was still very naive when it came to him and his intentions. But lesson learned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 At the time I never felt as if I were the other woman. Its really weird. There was never any sneaking around or lying. We went everywhere together, we did everything together, Nothing about us was a secret, I met his family, his co workers I was included in everything, but yet now I look back in hindsight and realize that even if I wasnt the other woman in a physical sense I was the other woman in an emotional sense. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 At the time I never felt as if I were the other woman. Its really weird. There was never any sneaking around or lying. We went everywhere together, we did everything together, Nothing about us was a secret, I met his family, his co workers I was included in everything, but yet now I look back in hindsight and realize that even if I wasnt the other woman in a physical sense I was the other woman in an emotional sense. Exactly. My mom didn't know she was the "other" woman. I knew that I was, but we did everything together. He even flew me up to meet his parents and they knew about his "main" girl. No hidden dates. No secret phones. No hiding at school or work - and she and he worked at the same place (different shifts, but some overlap and people on the job knew about BOTH!!). But emotionally, for him, I was the "other" woman. And when I found out that he was moving and engaged, he basically confirmed as much when he asked me to stay his OW forever. That was the part that I didn't see coming. I thought he at least respected me enough to not ask me to be in that position just for him. It would be one thing if its a position that I wanted and didn't mind being in for a time (I didn't mind it before as we seemed to be heading to something more exclusive). But, to be told that's all he ever saw me as, was insulting. And it was the insulting part that made it VERY easy to get over losing him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 2, 2009 Author Share Posted October 2, 2009 Oddly enough he never asked me to be the other woman, but I wouldn't have anyway. If he went back to his wife their marriage deserves a fair chance. It hasn't been that hard for me. In terms of letting go. I don't want to be with a man who is with someone else. I just feel that he led me to believe he was available emotionally when he was not. The lack of honesty is probably what bothered me most. The funny thing is they are back together and she is jealous that he dated me. In addition to a certain extent I feel that their reconciliation was motivated in a large part by money. Honestly I just want him to do what makes him happy it wasn't me but that doesn't mean he doesnt deserve happy. I am in a good place I am not unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 bentnotbroken, you can find more about her and her theories on www.affairs-help.com. I certainly find her typology of affairs interesting. I was in any case impressed with the way she described the A between me and me xMM very accurately. Thanks for the link. Link to post Share on other sites
VictoryisMine Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Quote: ... and she is jealous that he dated me. Unquote. Was i on the money, or was i on the money? Post #23. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 I think that this explains a lot of the "cake-eating" and "fencesitting" we can read about on this site. The cure should be IC where they can make up their mind about who they are and what they want. Amen to that. Until they do they inflict their confusion on everyone in their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 3, 2009 Author Share Posted October 3, 2009 Quote: ... and she is jealous that he dated me. Unquote. Was i on the money, or was i on the money? Post #23. So why ask him to give things another shot in the past if you are going to be jealous and angry. Link to post Share on other sites
VictoryisMine Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I'm sure she didn't expect to be jealous and angry. The initial "I have my husband back, i'm so happy" is wearing off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 3, 2009 Author Share Posted October 3, 2009 I just try to understand her thought process almost two years of No contact other than through lawyers, We are out to dinner one night we run into her sister and her sister's husband then she suddenly wants him back. Go figure Link to post Share on other sites
VictoryisMine Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I know,... go figure. It's not her fault, it's his fault. Your story blows my mind. I hate him. (your MM). Just know, they're not happy and your at (somewhat) peace. I know how ya feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 3, 2009 Author Share Posted October 3, 2009 It blows my mind too. I have to give myself a pat on the back because I have come pretty far in just one month. I dont have the urge to contact him or anything. No I don't blame her at all. I was never in a relationship with her so any hurt I or lingering anything were caused by him not her. I mean I still miss little things about him, but its no longer the overwhelming pain it once was. Honestly for his sake I wish they could make it work he is a good guy who has made some bad choices. All I can say is depsite what I thought he wasnt the man for me and this made me see it Link to post Share on other sites
VictoryisMine Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I wish you much strength. Don't feel alone tho, i have a feeling my situation is going to end as yours, i'm getting ... vibes from my MM, lol. I'm pretty pissed what he's putting me thru, i may not even want the relationship to continue if he puts me on hold much longer. Once again, if it helps, trust me, they are not happy. Use that to move on if that is your choice, because he just might be looking you up... soon. Hugs to you HowCouldINotKnow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 3, 2009 Author Share Posted October 3, 2009 thank you:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 4, 2009 Author Share Posted October 4, 2009 I had a date this weekend. Its weird this date just made me miss him Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted October 4, 2009 Share Posted October 4, 2009 I had a date this weekend. Its weird this date just made me miss him When I went NC with my MW I got on Match and eHarmony. I went on 3 different dates. It was really weird for me too....but if anything it kept me busy and it was clear I was not ready for anything. So I figured to just do it old school and meet people the old fashion way. Meanwhile I just focus on me and heal. I think it's more important to realize you don't need to jump into anything right now. Be strong and have faith...all good things happen in time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 5, 2009 Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 i agree i honestly feel as if i am ready to date again but we will see Link to post Share on other sites
Morelikeher Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 I tried dating about two weeks after D-Day. I was not ready. I'm still not ready. All I can do during the date is think about him - seems to make it worse. I SO understand. I'm not going to go forward with dating till I find that I am okay with myself again. It wouldn't be fair to the guy or to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 Last night I get friend request on facebook from XMM and it bothered me. What does he want? I haven't accepted or denied it. We split aug 30th and I havent talked to him since Septemeber 1st. His profile now says married. What the heck does he want? Link to post Share on other sites
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