Morelikeher Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 Obviously he's fishing. I wouldn't accept it. Hit ignore fast! My xMM is the one that established NC after D-Day and I have been VERY fortunate that he has stuck to it! I can definitely see how hard this is for you. I don't know if he'll ever contact me again. I just pray for the strength to ignore him. I know this is probably bringing it all back. And, I imagine it is very tempting - hang in there. ((BIG HUGS)) Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 I dont think its tempting in the sense that I woul want him back. I want to know what is going on in his life that is making him want to contact me. I want him to realize that he screwed me over to go back to nothing. I am not sure if this makes sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Morelikeher Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I dont think its tempting in the sense that I woul want him back. I want to know what is going on in his life that is making him want to contact me. I want him to realize that he screwed me over to go back to nothing. I am not sure if this makes sense? I'm sure he's contacting you because he and his wife are probably back to the same ol' same ol'. He might be thinking he made a mistake by going back to her. She obviously was okay with the divorce proceedings until she found out about you. Suddenly, she didn't want to let go of him. Somebody else wanted him, so maybe there was something there that she wasn't seeing. I guess she got over it. I'm sure if they had problems before, unless they are both committed to working on things (MC, IC) then they are probably back to the same old arguments. You had stated earlier that you didn't think it would last. Obviously it didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 No I figure they aren't going to counseling because they figured there was "something still there", and they didn't go before the divorce so the likelihood of them going now seems pretty slim. Honestly I think their reconciliation had a lot to do with money and lifestyle especially on her part. He earns over half a million dollars a year and as a CPA she earns about 37,000 when she left she didn't take the car he bought her and other things she couldn't afford to keep so I am guessing money has a lot to do with this, but who knows Link to post Share on other sites
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 The hard part is wrapping my brain around how he could go from "I love you" to "nevermind, I need to work on my marriage". I don't feel as if I will ever truly forgive myself. I felt that I really loved this man. It is out of this love, that I am going to honor the NC and let him work on his marriage. But, I still struggle with missing him every day. EXACTLY!!! how do they just turn the feelings off? why cant i be blessed with that gift. my mm didnt ask for NC but said he hurt her so badly that he felt he owed her the opportunity to work on the marriage if thats what she chose to do. i understand him, and agree he's doing whats right. but i just dont see how he could just stop loving me in an instant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 EXACTLY!!! how do they just turn the feelings off? why cant i be blessed with that gift. my mm didnt ask for NC but said he hurt her so badly that he felt he owed her the opportunity to work on the marriage if thats what she chose to do. i understand him, and agree he's doing whats right. but i just dont see how he could just stop loving me in an instant. It just used to make me wonder if the feelings were ever really there at all? Link to post Share on other sites
Morelikeher Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 No I figure they aren't going to counseling because they figured there was "something still there", and they didn't go before the divorce so the likelihood of them going now seems pretty slim. Honestly I think their reconciliation had a lot to do with money and lifestyle especially on her part. He earns over half a million dollars a year and as a CPA she earns about 37,000 when she left she didn't take the car he bought her and other things she couldn't afford to keep so I am guessing money has a lot to do with this, but who knows Sounds like that could be a lot of the reason. I think a lot of the reason that my xMM went back was due to financial reasons. He is actually dependent upon HER salary. He definitely let work slip during the A and was totally broke (he worked on commission only). He has never truly been on his own - he was living with family while they were separated, so he never rented an apartment. Since he has gone back, they have opened a business together and he is working for HER. LOL! SO, I hope he does want to work on the marriage or he's going to end up divorced and jobless. I also realize now that he lied about not caring for her any longer. I'm sure he loves her. I was never delusional about that. If he now believes he can work on the marriage, then I am not going to stop him. He kept telling me that they are financially in a lot of debt - the marriage was under a lot of stress from those obligations. She could provide him a lifestyle that I could by no means, give him. I am a single mom and while I do well, I am not living a lavish lifestyle. Who knows why. I'm sure we'll never understand it - but I'm very curious to say the least. So, are you going to accept it? I'm sure you are curious. Like I said before, I feel like I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why his feelings towards me changed overnight. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 I am probably going to accept it because I am not angry anymore. Whatever problems he has with his wife are their own and I want no part of it. I felt that my MM lied about being in love with her. Him loving her and caring about her even after they were apart I could deal with because they were together for a long time. But he lied about being in love with her or else he could not have gone back. I think sometimes I should have kept the ring but it was a symbol of so many broken promises and dreams I think giving it back was the right thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Morelikeher Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I believe the feelings were definitely there for him. Whether it was in fact, love... I have no idea. He stated the he loved me numerous times. Maybe that was just more BS added in with all the other lies/promises that he made to me. I think that the guilt that he had far surpasses the love he felt for me. And, like many posters have stated - if he loved me, he would be with me. I think he wanted to show his wife how much he loved her by going back AND by tossing me under the bus. I believe that he also saw himself a failure if he divorced for a second time. THAT seemed like one of the bigger issues with him. Earlier this week I was not so great - I have been dreaming about him....and it is like reliving the pain of losing him all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Morelikeher Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I am probably going to accept it because I am not angry anymore. Whatever problems he has with his wife are their own and I want no part of it. I felt that my MM lied about being in love with her. Him loving her and caring about her even after they were apart I could deal with because they were together for a long time. But he lied about being in love with her or else he could not have gone back. I think sometimes I should have kept the ring but it was a symbol of so many broken promises and dreams I think giving it back was the right thing to do. Just realize you are opening up communication with him again. You said you didn't want him back, but do you believe you can turn off those feelings from before? I know, at this point, I would be WEAK if he stepped back into my life. I gave him all of his things back after D-Day. Everything. I don't want to torture myself by looking at things that he gave me. But, that was a BIG ring Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 This was a second marriage for my XMM as well and I don't think he wanted to deal with the failure of another marriage but I also feel that people we separate for so long and think they can get back together and be happy and not have the same issues are lying to themselves Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 It was a big ring he designed it himself he asked me what I liked and designed it and I understand I am opening up communication with him but I also feel that we will never really talk unless it over with his wife. I am actually not afraid of communicating with him. He threw me to the side without a second thought. That is always a bucket of cold water on any fantasy I have of him Link to post Share on other sites
Morelikeher Posted October 14, 2009 Share Posted October 14, 2009 I agree. My xMM and his W had a lot of problems waaaay before I came into the picture. It is his second marriage, her fourth. I really don't see this marriage working. xMM is broken in so many ways - and that's a lot of the reason we connected. We both have something broken in us. I thought it was chemistry, but maybe it's just relating to one another (and not in the healthiest of ways). I know I've done a lot of looking at myself - why it is that I am attracted to the wrong men. Why I didn't feel worthy of something better. I have found a lot of AHA moments just by lurking around LS. ANYway, as I ramble. Just be careful, k? Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 14, 2009 Author Share Posted October 14, 2009 Thank you I will be in this case with him there is no going back for me. There just isn't. I am not the kind of woman that should be the OW I have way too much going for me to accept that for myself Link to post Share on other sites
Morelikeher Posted October 15, 2009 Share Posted October 15, 2009 HCINK, keep us posted... I am curious as to what he's going to say to you. Guess I'm being nosey... Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 15, 2009 Author Share Posted October 15, 2009 I will, I dont think he will say anything just yet I think things aren't going the way he expected and he is probably trying to figure a way out. It doesn't matter what he says at this point I don't want him back everytime I think of him kissing, having sex, giving her oral sex it just all disgusts me and the thought of allowing him to put those lips on mine after all of that is just disgusting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 To think in a little over a week it will be exactly two months. I have started dating another guy he is sweet. He knows everything so we are taking it slowly. We go out talk no sex he says until we are ready or a label. Meanwhile I realize the friend request from XMM on facebook hasn't bothered me as much. I realize why should it bother me these are all things I knew, I knew he went back to her and that they are still married so why should it matter? At this point I have realized I am ready to let this all go move on and forget about that part of my life. If he ever comes back in the future I am pretty sure nothing will come of it because with me once a door closes its closed forever. Don't get me wrong I still miss him and things remind me of him but the emotion that used to follow the memories aren't as intense as they used to be. So I guess that is progress right? Link to post Share on other sites
Morelikeher Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 Absolutely! I think we are on the same page. Of course, I am not dating right now because I feel that I need to do some serious time on MYSELF. I want to get back to feeling good about myself again. I feel like I am getting better too. Like you said, the memories are not as intense. Unfortunately, I do see him often enough to set me back. But, it's getting easier - small steps. I am going to come out of this a much stronger person. And so will you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 I am at a place where I can date and not drag baggage from my experience with MM into a new relationship. And this guy is just a really great guy. So I am testing the waters. I have gotten my sex drive back things with MM destroyed my sex drive, my emotional health but I have got it all back now Link to post Share on other sites
Morelikeher Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 That's great news. Gives me hope. Thanks for sharing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 its crazy what being in a situation like this can do to you. I know I am making progress when I can actually think about sex with someone else. Right after our split thinking about other men, talking to them, or anything else felt like cheating. Isn't that sick? Link to post Share on other sites
Morelikeher Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 My problem is that I didn't want to think about other men after D-Day. Honestly, I don't now. Even though I thought it would help me to date (to take my mind off of him), it made it worse. I am focusing on myself again. When I get to a good place, I will date. And yes, it is sick, warped.....for sure. We allowed someone else to control our lives - we put ourselves on hold for someone that offered us nothing - just hope for a future together. I am glad that it only lasted two months. I don't think I could have bounced back as easily if it had been years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 20, 2009 Author Share Posted October 20, 2009 It is hard and for me there used to be a bit of confusion as to what I was to him. He proposed to me after all. So I wondered in the end was I an OW? Was I a girlfried? Fiance? what the hell was what we had? I've gotten over that and if I had to put a label on it I call myself the OW Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted October 22, 2009 Author Share Posted October 22, 2009 Not sure what the heck is going on but lately I have been getting a lot of blocked number calls when I answer the person listens until I hang up. Do you guys really think his W would do something so silly? I hope he wouldn't as well. Its strange because I never get blocked number calls Link to post Share on other sites
Author howcouldInotknow Posted November 9, 2009 Author Share Posted November 9, 2009 So basically things with Xmm and his soon to be ex wife are basically falling apart. They are not speaking to each other. Their "reconciliation" is basically over. I am not sure why but I guess he feels the need to get in contact because maybe he now realizes his mistake. I never accepted the request because as far as I am concerned he made a choice and he has to live with it, but is it wrong that I am kind of curious as to why things aren't working out. I feel a more direct form of contact coming soon. I am actually at a point where I can actually talk to him without falling apart. I am proud of myself for coming this far in just a little over two months. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts