What I learned from my experience.

[lovnlost]

My situation was identical to yours. My xMM was separated and according to him, had every intention on following through in the divorce. He had set up a lawyer and they were discussing the details - no children involved.

 

She found out about me and all of a sudden things were completely different. He would not answer my calls and every email I received from him had an air of finality to it.

 

He showed up on my porch and told me he was going back to his wife. I felt like the air had been knocked out of me! Out of anger/shock, I never discussed why he had made that decision. He set up NC with me immediately, although we both broke it a couple of times.

 

We have been NC for about six weeks now. Some days are better than others. The hard part is wrapping my brain around how he could go from "I love you" to "nevermind, I need to work on my marriage". I was like you, completely shocked - it was totally unexpected and I had no time to prepare for it.

 

I am with you, I would never suggest someone to get involved with a separated MM. I justified it because of this and regardless, it was wrong. If you feel in your heart that this is the person is for you, then wait till after they divorce (and even then, give it time before you start dating).

 

I don't feel as if I will ever truly forgive myself. I felt that I really loved this man. It is out of this love, that I am going to honor the NC and let him work on his marriage. But, I still struggle with missing him every day.

 

This is me..however I am the other man. I didn't really think about this concept until now and it has been 6 weeks NC. Still going with it. The odd thing is she actually went through the divorce. Then after 4 months she got back together with him...after we had...the same amazing weekends as always. Just like that...she was different. There are children involved though. So, I have love of her kids and was in their lives. Odd thing how this all went down. I wont EVER, be in this scenario again. I am learning more about my own situation by reading everyone's posts here. Thank you all for sharing...it does help.

[CrazyBeautiful]

I was dating this man for about a year he was separated from his wife for over a year when I met him. They were waiting for the divorce to be finalized. So we began dating after I askedhim over and over where was he emotionally in terms of the way his marriage ended and things like that. We began dating. Everything was great we were in love or so I thought. He let me redecorate his house, we would take trips together. He lavished me with attention and went out of his way to meet my emotional needs. He asked me to move in (I said no). He went out and bought me the most beautiful engagement ring.

In July I became aware of his wife suddenly trying to throw a wrench in the divorce proceedings and at that point I was ready to leave because I didnt want to get caught up in someone else's mess. He begged me not to leave told me how much he loved me and I listened (against my better judgement) and then about a month later he doesn't call me before bed. For the first time since we met. I knew something was wrong. I called him and left a message and went to bed. The next morning i woke up and called again he didn't pick up. Then about half an hour later I recieve a text saying "I might be reconciling with my wife" I literally felt like I had the wind knocked out of me. It was devastating to say the least. When we talked he didn't want to answer questions he was not the man I knew. (this is two days before we were supposed to leave for vacation together) All he told me was we had dinner last night and realized there is still something there. Two days later he blocked my number. I literally fell apart. I couldnt understand what happened. How can you be completely in love with me on Saturday and over it on Sunday. For about two weeks I cried everyday. The first week I was awak 24/7 I literally never slept.

Then one day I sat down and took a long hard look at things and realized I was the other woman. Despite his claims to the opposite I was the other woman and never quite aware of it. It was the most amazing epiphany I have ever had. It put so much into perspective and now a month later I don't think about it. I don't cry, it doesn't even hurt anymore. I wish him and his wife the best of luck and I truly hope they can make it work. Even if it doesn't work out for them my doors are permanently shut. Ladies please if you know that a man is married RUN RUN RUN. It is just not worth the headache or the heartache

 

I really admire your strength. It only took two weeks for you to recover huh? I fell in love with a married guy. I took the risk and become the other woman. I was crazy in love. I was selfless and put his needs first over mine. He did not divorce his wife because his children need her. And he loves his children so much. You see children and divorce are two important stuff for him...children as very important to him and divorce as less important to him. But I allow myself to be shortchanged. I become weak because of my love for him.

[howcouldInotknow]

I really admire your strength. It only took two weeks for you to recover huh? I fell in love with a married guy. I took the risk and become the other woman. I was crazy in love. I was selfless and put his needs first over mine. He did not divorce his wife because his children need her. And he loves his children so much. You see children and divorce are two important stuff for him...children as very important to him and divorce as less important to him. But I allow myself to be shortchanged. I become weak because of my love for him.

 

A lot of people would say if I was fine in two weeks then I never loved him. Of course I did and I do but aside from everything me and my well being come first. I tend to take that approach in a lot of relationships both romantic relationships and friendships. I try not to lie to myself and I acknowledged what he did was wrong and sh*tty, do you know what I mean? I couldn't out the blame anywhere else other than where it belonged and sometimes I feel like for a lot of women focusing on the fact that "he chose to stay for the kids" or " she is begging him to stay" makes it somewhat harder to move on. At the end of the day regardless of what his reasons are once he makes a choice it is what it is. In the time we were apart, I dated, I took wonderful vacations. I lived my life and didn't dwell on it. One of the guys I dated while he and I were apart has actually become a really good friend and I am grateful for that. So don't consider yourself weak because it isn't entirely your fault.