Your story of confessing or not confessing the A...and how is your M?

[Devil Inside]

Did you have an A that has ended and was never discovered?

 

If so I would like to hear stories from those that both confessed and those that kept it a secret.

 

I would also like to hear how this played out in their M.

 

I know there are two camps to this issue...many theories on both sides. However, it is often more helpful to hear first hand experiences.

 

There are a lot of people that are contemplating whether they should confess or not...maybe this will help them.

[NowhereToHide]

Did you have an A that has ended and was never discovered?

 

If so I would like to hear stories from those that both confessed and those that kept it a secret.

 

I would also like to hear how this played out in their M.

 

I know there are two camps to this issue...many theories on both sides. However, it is often more helpful to hear first hand experiences.

 

There are a lot of people that are contemplating whether they should confess or not...maybe this will help them.

 

 

Yes, DI. I am one of those people that haven't confessed to my husband.

 

I had a 3 month affair that is over -- mostly emotional, physical once. I'm over the AP and we are basically NC (it was LC, but we haven't spoken in weeks).

 

I have been in therapy for a while now and I'm working through many of the issues that related to me feeling like I needed to go outside my marriage instead of to my husband. The A was all my doing -- I was clueless and selfish and I would give anything to take it back.

 

My marriage is essentially good -- we have both talked recently about us both wanting it to be better with more communication and more intimacy, which we are doing though date nights and talking more.

 

And I want to say that I have heard everyone's opinion as to why they think I should confess to my husband -- no need to reiterate that.

[eyeswide]

I kept it secret for a lonnnnnng time. successfully maintained almost complete NC for over a year. Then my husband finally asked me if I'd always been faithful. I finally told the truth.

 

Unfortunately, it turns out my husband began having an affair. His made my little dalliance look like nothing. Yes, he believes that it probably wouldn't have happened if I had come clean to him much sooner about mine.

 

Now in the days of recovery, I wonder about how much truth is necessary. He knows a lot of it, but I have moments where I think "ugh, I never told him about this detail or that detail -- should I?" and I really think at this point it wouldn't be helpful. I do think there comes a point where confession is for the confessor -- a putting of his/her burden onto the shoulders of the other. If I start to feel like omitting these details are coming in between us, I'll let him know, but often I say "would you be telling him that to help him or hurt him? If it won't help him, let it go."

[NowhereToHide]

I kept it secret for a lonnnnnng time. successfully maintained almost complete NC for over a year. Then my husband finally asked me if I'd always been faithful. I finally told the truth.

 

Unfortunately, it turns out my husband began having an affair. His made my little dalliance look like nothing. Yes, he believes that it probably wouldn't have happened if I had come clean to him much sooner about mine.

 

Now in the days of recovery, I wonder about how much truth is necessary. He knows a lot of it, but I have moments where I think "ugh, I never told him about this detail or that detail -- should I?" and I really think at this point it wouldn't be helpful. I do think there comes a point where confession is for the confessor -- a putting of his/her burden onto the shoulders of the other. If I start to feel like omitting these details are coming in between us, I'll let him know, but often I say "would you be telling him that to help him or hurt him? If it won't help him, let it go."

 

 

Eyes, to you have any regrets that you told him? Is there anything you would have done differently?

[Snowflower]

DI, you always start the most thought-provoking threads!

 

Okay, I'm not sure if I should respond here but I am a FBS whose husband confessed his affair to me. Maybe my perspective will be helpful, who knows.

 

FWIW, I'm undecided about whether or not a WS should always confess their affair IF they have completely ended it, have absolutely no desire to resume the affair/start a new one, and there is no chance of the BS ever finding out. I know that there are those circumstances...ONS, a fling while in Vegas or something like that...where not telling might be the less painful decision for everyone involved...especially if the WS gets an STD test if it was a PA, just as a precaution.

 

If there is a chance the BS could ever find out, then it is a different story.

 

That being said, as a BS, I'm glad my husband confessed to me. I'm glad I know the truth and I think it was an important step in the process of recovering our marriage. And I'm glad I heard the devastating news from my husband and not some other source. I had begun to suspect an affair but had no 'proof'--it was deductive reasoning on my part. But when my H, confessed, it still came as a shock.

 

I appreciate the fact that my H confessed...it broke the secrecy of the affair, it showed everyone involved that my H was attempting to make the bond between him and me the primary one, and finally it showed courage and integrity on his part.

 

Speaking ONLY from what happened in my situation, I advise that, yes, a WS should confess the A. However, I know that my situation was also a bit unusual.

 

My .02!

[eyeswide]

NTH, I do regret having kept it to myself for so long. I believed that I could recover on my own and didn't want to burden him with it. (And I was scared ****eless about telling him, of course!)

 

I did manage to "get over it" on my own -- but it was just me getting over over it and our marriage didn't. My husband felt the distance still and we remained estranged from each other -- even more than we had been before my affair. We got along but there was that sadness and distance and all the stuff that had been between us when I tried to escape from the marriage was all still there tripping us up, keeping us disconnected. I mean -- our communication had been pretty bad before then, but it sure didn't get any better.

 

If I had told him sooner, maybe we wouldn't have weathered it then, but I think we probably could have. And I would give my right arm not to be experiencing the pain and self-doubt I have felt since finding out about his affair.

[NowhereToHide]

NTH, I do regret having kept it to myself for so long. I believed that I could recover on my own and didn't want to burden him with it. (And I was scared ****eless about telling him, of course!)

 

I did manage to "get over it" on my own -- but it was just me getting over over it and our marriage didn't. My husband felt the distance still and we remained estranged from each other -- even more than we had been before my affair. We got along but there was that sadness and distance and all the stuff that had been between us when I tried to escape from the marriage was all still there tripping us up, keeping us disconnected. I mean -- our communication had been pretty bad before then, but it sure didn't get any better.

 

If I had told him sooner, maybe we wouldn't have weathered it then, but I think we probably could have. And I would give my right arm not to be experiencing the pain and self-doubt I have felt since finding out about his affair.

 

 

Thank you Sunflower and Eyes... this helps a lot.

 

As I stated earlier, I have not yet confessed, and I'm not sure I will. My marriage is actually better after the affair - we are communicating more and are happier than we were before the A, mostly because I'm initiating more intimacy (it's not in my husband's makeup to be terribly emotionally open). My affair is completely over, I am in love with my husband and I have no intention of every doing it again. I'm in therapy and starting to understand my issues which I think is helping everything, me and my marriage.

 

So, still undecided about whether to tell. Just not sure it's the right thing.

[eyeswide]

Good luck, NTH. I would truly hate to see you get back in life what I did...

 

If you tell him, it will hurt like hell. Hurt you and hurt him. and you will both need to recover from it.

 

But my H swears that it has helped him to know -- and that if I hadn't told him he probably would be with his AP right now.

[inhindsight]

Did you have an A that has ended and was never discovered?

 

If so I would like to hear stories from those that both confessed and those that kept it a secret.

 

I would also like to hear how this played out in their M.

 

I know there are two camps to this issue...many theories on both sides. However, it is often more helpful to hear first hand experiences.

 

There are a lot of people that are contemplating whether they should confess or not...maybe this will help them.

 

 

EA/PA with MM for almost a year. Really felt in love with him, feelings mutual. We could not reconcile the insurmountable hurt to our CHILDREN for us to exit our respective Ms to start a new life together. So we knew it couldn't continue, because it would only cause more difficulties to hang on and stay in our relationship without a purpose.

 

We decided to disclose... or I guess I wanted to do so because I wanted to start over with H, and be honest with him going forward, if he would take me. AP knew that if I told my H, then he would have to tell his W, so it was a mutual agreement. I kind of wanted us to disclose to our BS's pretty much around the same time.

 

Unfortunately his W had suspicions anyway, as he was emotionally not present in that relationship anymore. She confronted him, he confessed, she called me, and ripped me a new one. so I pretty much told H right away since AP's W already knew. H knew we were having issues, but it seriously hit him like a truck, he was blown away.

 

I was frightened, scared, unsure.... he LOST it. Screamed, yelled, punched walls, cried for a long time, then left the house for a couple hours; came back and told me to leave. I started to pack a bag; then he changed his mind and said I could stay until he decided what he wanted to do. It was a weird time. I felt at his mercy, as I should have been anyway. If you can't stand the flies, then don't take a sh*t. I knew I would have consequences for my actions, I had to accept them.

 

I felt in my situation that I needed to confess. It was not only for my personal benefit to feel "unloaded".... but for his own empowerment as well. I am of the opinion that his not knowing of a deeply EA and highly PA was pretty much tantamount to me robbing him even further by not allowing him the choice to decide if he could be with someone who would choose to engage in actions and behaviour that could hurt him so much. I stongly feel that he needed to be the one to decide if I should be kicked to the curb, or if we could try to start over with a more honest and communicative relationship. I stole from him... his right to know my feelings before I engaged in my A, stole his dignity while I engaged fully in the A.... I stole his right to choose our relationship when I stepped outside our M. No matter what, I needed to return that right to him, even if it meant I would be maligned, hated, alienated and left penniless.

 

I agree that each situation is unique... and I suppose full confessional may work only in certain circumstances, as mentioned by PP... For example, I don't necessarily agree that a single incident of a ONS would be appropriate to disclose, particularly if it was really a one-time thing made in very bad judgement... but I needed for H to know the truth, and then let the chips fall where they would. I am more remorseful than anything for shattering his faith and trust in not only me, but in pretty much everyone after.

 

I know I am lucky to have another chance. I know I could've been tossed curbside with no home, no friends, no family who would stand by me for my behaviour. I know everyone would be floored, just as he was, and they'd talk amongst themselves: H is really a good guy... why the hell would she DO that and betray him?

 

It has been a very long road to recovery, and we are still not there. I am so regretful that he will always have a little question mark about what I tell him. I know that 100% trust may never be achieved again. He is beyond hurt, but he feels he is better off knowing the truth, as much as it hurt. He is glad that he was able to take his future into his OWN hands, instead of me never telling him and robbing him of that decision.

 

Sorry so long... really hard to summarize these types of things.

[bentnotbroken]

NTH, I do regret having kept it to myself for so long. I believed that I could recover on my own and didn't want to burden him with it. (And I was scared ****eless about telling him, of course!)

 

I did manage to "get over it" on my own -- but it was just me getting over over it and our marriage didn't. My husband felt the distance still and we remained estranged from each other -- even more than we had been before my affair. We got along but there was that sadness and distance and all the stuff that had been between us when I tried to escape from the marriage was all still there tripping us up, keeping us disconnected. I mean -- our communication had been pretty bad before then, but it sure didn't get any better.

 

If I had told him sooner, maybe we wouldn't have weathered it then, but I think we probably could have. And I would give my right arm not to be experiencing the pain and self-doubt I have felt since finding out about his affair.

 

 

The whole time that I have been here I don't think that I have ever seen a WS admit this. I have always felt that the main reason for not telling the BS was fear. No one wants to admit they are afraid to give the BS the choice to chose them again or to walk away. It's like the pieces of a puzzle. If one spouse has all the pieces, they have a complete picture. If they don't have all the pieces, the two are looking at two very different pictures. One clear, one with erased or blurred spots.

 

The "what if's" are endless, but what do you think would have happened had you gone to him and confessed. Do you think he would view your credibility differently? Are the you in counseling, what have the two of you learned about your marriage?

[bentnotbroken]

EA/PA with MM for almost a year. Really felt in love with him, feelings mutual. We could not reconcile the insurmountable hurt to our CHILDREN for us to exit our respective Ms to start a new life together. So we knew it couldn't continue, because it would only cause more difficulties to hang on and stay in our relationship without a purpose.

 

We decided to disclose... or I guess I wanted to do so because I wanted to start over with H, and be honest with him going forward, if he would take me. AP knew that if I told my H, then he would have to tell his W, so it was a mutual agreement. I kind of wanted us to disclose to our BS's pretty much around the same time.

 

Unfortunately his W had suspicions anyway, as he was emotionally not present in that relationship anymore. She confronted him, he confessed, she called me, and ripped me a new one. so I pretty much told H right away since AP's W already knew. H knew we were having issues, but it seriously hit him like a truck, he was blown away.

 

I was frightened, scared, unsure.... he LOST it. Screamed, yelled, punched walls, cried for a long time, then left the house for a couple hours; came back and told me to leave. I started to pack a bag; then he changed his mind and said I could stay until he decided what he wanted to do. It was a weird time. I felt at his mercy, as I should have been anyway. If you can't stand the flies, then don't take a sh*t. I knew I would have consequences for my actions, I had to accept them.

 

I felt in my situation that I needed to confess. It was not only for my personal benefit to feel "unloaded".... but for his own empowerment as well. I am of the opinion that his not knowing of a deeply EA and highly PA was pretty much tantamount to me robbing him even further by not allowing him the choice to decide if he could be with someone who would choose to engage in actions and behaviour that could hurt him so much. I stongly feel that he needed to be the one to decide if I should be kicked to the curb, or if we could try to start over with a more honest and communicative relationship. I stole from him... his right to know my feelings before I engaged in my A, stole his dignity while I engaged fully in the A.... I stole his right to choose our relationship when I stepped outside our M. No matter what, I needed to return that right to him, even if it meant I would be maligned, hated, alienated and left penniless.

 

I agree that each situation is unique... and I suppose full confessional may work only in certain circumstances, as mentioned by PP... For example, I don't necessarily agree that a single incident of a ONS would be appropriate to disclose, particularly if it was really a one-time thing made in very bad judgement... but I needed for H to know the truth, and then let the chips fall where they would. I am more remorseful than anything for shattering his faith and trust in not only me, but in pretty much everyone after.

 

I know I am lucky to have another chance. I know I could've been tossed curbside with no home, no friends, no family who would stand by me for my behaviour. I know everyone would be floored, just as he was, and they'd talk amongst themselves: H is really a good guy... why the hell would she DO that and betray him?

 

It has been a very long road to recovery, and we are still not there. I am so regretful that he will always have a little question mark about what I tell him. I know that 100% trust may never be achieved again. He is beyond hurt, but he feels he is better off knowing the truth, as much as it hurt. He is glad that he was able to take his future into his OWN hands, instead of me never telling him and robbing him of that decision.

 

Sorry so long... really hard to summarize these types of things.

 

 

A second person on the same thread:eek: You spoke of exactly how I felt. I felt as if the A was the emotional(and in my case physical..no condom)abuse and the lies were stealing from me. Do you know why you made the decision you did? If you didn't have those feelings for your H before the A, why do you want to be with him now? That was one thing I could never understand about Mr. Messy...why do you want to be with me now after I have decided to move on?

[boldjack]

Eyeswide, and inhindsight, If I had an award for the most forthright posters, you two would get it. WELL DONE!!!!!!!:love::D:D

[boldjack]

This is what I have been trying to tell you,NTH. If you aren't honest with your husband, you are NOT showing him the Love and respect that any husband deserves from a truly faithful and loyal wife. You would be depriving him of his right to choose, to make a mature and informed decision. You owe him that, for your betrayal. In order to heal yourself, you need to put him first. The other question you need to consider is if he finds out about the affair from another source. What if the MM tells his wife? Don't say that this can't happen, because it does in many of these situations. How would your husband react if the MM's wife called him and told him? You would be caught in a series of lies, and your marriage would be over. If YOU tell him, and show your loyalty and sincere desire to make amends, and that you are going to be truthful, from now on, you have a much better chance of your marriage surviving. Honesty, loyalty, and love, or lies, deceit and guilt, it's your choice.........I am telling you these things, because I have lived them, I was a serial cheater and I changed. You can too.

[boldjack]

DI, sorry for the thread-jack. In answer to your original question, I had several affairs, and none of them were discovered. But, as I grew older, the guilt and shame began to weigh very heavy. I realized that to free myself and restore my honor, I would have to uncover all. Which I did. My marriage ended, my first wife despised me, I lost most of my friends and brought shame to my family. But at the end of the day, I was an honest man again. I have remarried, regained most of my friends, and am a credit to my family. , and an honest father to my kids. This is why , I will always defend the honest alternative.

[2sure]

You all know that I am currently a BS who discovered my H's serial cheating, and getting honest information from him has been impossible.

That being said...I had no idea what was happening. for 2 years. I had access to all info (I thought) and had finally put ALL thoughts of infidelity from my head. We were a happily married couple. We were successful, we had sex, we traveled, we had fun. I was happy. He acted happy.

 

But he wasn't. And obviously, I realize the first thing that comes to mind is :

 

He wasn't happy with the marriage so he cheated OR he isn't happy with himself, so he cheats.

 

And those things are true. But also this: The more time went on during those 2 years, I sensed something wasn't right with him. Instinct maybe, but I didn't think it was cheating. Meanwhile, his cheating progressed and got out of control. The cheating didn't always make him feel bad, but eventually it ate at him.

 

He isn't the same man anymore. Had he told me, I may have left because he cheated...but then at least he would still have himself. He doesn't have that anymore. His hole got bigger. And THATS what ruined the marriage.

[boldjack]

DI, There is an assumption here, that if the OW/OM is single, they will remain silent, or if they disclose, they won't be believed. This isn't true. Since joining LS I have gotten to know several other OW/OM's and have found that they are no more honest or realistic , than WS's are. In my case, I wanted to put my whoring behind me , and could only do this by revealing everything. It worked. In the cases of some OW/OM's it depends on whether their motivation is emotional or financial, but it is rarely a matter of integrity, because most AP's have none.

[inhindsight]

A second person on the same thread:eek: You spoke of exactly how I felt. I felt as if the A was the emotional(and in my case physical..no condom)abuse and the lies were stealing from me. Do you know why you made the decision you did? If you didn't have those feelings for your H before the A, why do you want to be with him now? That was one thing I could never understand about Mr. Messy...why do you want to be with me now after I have decided to move on?

 

 

Great questions. Why did I do it?

 

Pre-A, I attributed my dissatisfaction to things such as he wasn't communicative, he was too "safe" with our sex life (very vanilla, not spicy), he didn't make me feel sexy and beautiful, he wasn't interested in having intellectual conversations much, he didn't care about the pursuit of self-discovery and awareness, he doesn't read for enjoyment, he didn't try to understand my position of being a f/t working mom and help share in household duties... you name it, I would've said all these things led me to feel despair and dissatisfaction and so I sought excitement and "love" elsewhere. Basically it's the cowardly way out because it places the blame on the other party...

 

I love him, I always have. I always wanted him to be "the one". But I unfairly placed a huge burden on him to fit and fulfill a role that I don't know anyone can fill but themself.

 

I didn't reflect deeply enought to realize that my own internal insecurities and lack of self-love were not needs that had to be met by an external party outside of me... it had to be fixed within. ....all I needed was to expose this very unsure side of me to him. On the outside I am very confident, self-assured, engaging. Inside is a brew of self-doubt, fear of failure, feelings of inadequacy. (stemming way back from childhood, much too much to get into!)

 

But I was afraid to reveal this small little girl inside me to him... I was afraid he wouldn't care. I didn't give him any credit. None at all. I automatically assumed he wouldn't "get me" or care about my insecurities, or want to discuss. Because H is not a verbally communicative man, isn't one with verbal diarrhea like me, holds his emotions close.. but that that doesn't mean he doesn't feel them deeply. I just didn't give him the opportunity to prove me wrong. My mistake.

 

anyway, the bottom line... I was stupid and selfish, and allowed myself to live in the fantasy world that I had a man who suddenly revealed his innermost feelings to me, was an amazing lover, and loved to just talk with me, about anything and everything. Because it was "easier" to do all these things with him, I felt he was better for me. But that is not the truth.

 

The truth is that no relationship can survive in a pool of deceit and dishonesty. So even though I thought I could begin a new life with AP, that was filled with heavy emotions and passion, it could never have worked. How could I even fathom it as successful just because we were in our own world. We were honest with each other, but not with the rest of the world, and what kind of relationship is that.

 

Prior to the A, I mistakenly believed that H was incapable of wanting to help me further my path of self-awareness because he himself is not so much into all that stuff. I used to view that as a failing of his... I have since learned just because I think something is "good for you" doesn't mean it is good for everyone, or that they would even be interested. And I have embraced that it's not about having what is not there in the relationship... it is about appreciating what is.

 

NOBODY is perfect... I knew that, but I expected that because I was married to H, that he HAD to be perfect for me, which meant he had to fit into everything I envisioned for myself. Which is ridiculous because he is not me. I can't believe I ever thought so arrogantly.

 

I used to think HE lacked something and that is why I was unhappy. But inside I lacked faith in myself, belief in myself... and these are all things I am working towards...

 

I have always had very strong feelings for my H. I love him and cannot imagine my life without him in it. His presence in my life has shaped me to become who I am.... he is a part of me. It's just that I was not happy with myself and I didn't give him a chance to know it before the A. Now, because I am honest with myself and him, I have seen now that the A was never about him and what we lacked. It was all about me and my own emptiness. It is unfortunate that the things I have learned have come at such a high price.

[inhindsight]

oops double posted!

Edited October 2, 2009 by inhindsight

[Snowflower]

IHS, Thanks so much for sharing your story and baring your soul. It really helps me at least understand more about my husband's mindset before his affair. I see some similarities. My husband told me right after he confessed his A that he wished hadn't 'assumed' so much about me and our marriage. He was wrong about so much but I wish he had talked to me...really talked, b efore he entered an A.

 

How is your marriage now, IHS? If you are trying to recover it, it's hard work isn't it?

 

One thing my H did was come back to me 'full force' emotionally within a few weeks after d-day. He had held so much back emotionally, so many pieces of himself for years. While he revealed a very dark side of himself during his affair, he came back into our marriage with a new vulnerability and really put himself out there emotionally.

 

At that point, as an emotionally-depleted BS, I was surprised and didn't know how to react to his vulnerability for months. We have slowly begun to build our new relationship; it has been 10 months now. I have to say we are doing well, all things considered.

 

Again, thanks for sharing, IHS. It was helpful!

[65tr6]

And I want to say that I have heard everyone's opinion as to why they think I should confess to my husband -- no need to reiterate that.

 

you havent mine...yet !

 

well, let me ask you this...if your husband looks you in the eye and asks you

 

"have you ever had an affair" ?

 

What would you say ?

[Snowflower]

you havent mine...yet !

 

well, let me ask you this...if your husband looks you in the eye and asks you

 

"have you ever had an affair" ?

 

What would you say ?

 

Let's respect NTH request and lay off the question of whether she should tell her husband.

 

Let's talk about in general terms and in the scope of our own experiences and maybe that will be more helpful to NTH than berating her for not telling her husband.

 

Everyone has different opinions about this and every situation is different. NTH is figuring it out.

 

Besides, it gets tiring to see this same issue go 'round and 'round on these boards.

[65tr6]

Great questions. Why did I do it?

 

 

I am not sure when you confessed you really seemed to have come a long way. Whether your marriage recovers or not, alteast you know you are well on your way to self-recovery which in my opinion should be the primary goal. Good luck !

[65tr6]

Let's respect NTH request

 

I was not being disrespectful. Was I ??

 

I thought it was an honest question.

[silktricks]

I have moments where I think "ugh, I never told him about this detail or that detail -- should I?" and I really think at this point it wouldn't be helpful. I do think there comes a point where confession is for the confessor -- a putting of his/her burden onto the shoulders of the other. If I start to feel like omitting these details are coming in between us, I'll let him know, but often I say "would you be telling him that to help him or hurt him? If it won't help him, let it go."

 

former BS here. My husband told me about his affair, and for quite sometime we agreed that anything and everything that came into his mind about it he would tell me. The problem with that was that I kept resetting to zero in my healing. It was what we both thought was best - but then both came to realize it wasn't....

[Snowflower]

I was not being disrespectful. Was I ??

 

I thought it was an honest question.

 

It was an honest question! It's just that NTH stated that she didn't want to answer it right now, or at least yet.

 

I can't speak for NTH but I think she doing some introspection about why she entered an A.

 

DI started this thread about the effects on recovery a marriage if the WS confesses. NTH appears to be taking the viewpoints here to heart and I for one, think that is the best way for her to figure out what the right thing to do.