What do you make of this.. A letter sent to me from my boyfriend of 1.5 yrs

November 28, 2003

First I want to make sure you know I love you.

That being said, know that I do not want to lose you.

I do feel that you are not happy and I do not know how to make you happy.

You keep telling me that marriage will make things better but if we have problems now before marriage how will it solve anything?

I do want to marry you and plan on it.. I just want us past all the BS and that takes time. Its also a lame time when we have other people in the family getting engaged soon.

I just feel all too often that I don’t make you in the least bit happy. I see you go on daily being miserable and that kills me.

Don’t you see that when you have something on your mind or your mood changes it affects me and my attitude? When you are miserable I am miserable.

I don’t know what to tell you other than I love you.

About the adult stuff..

Yes I look at it on occasion.. More often when I feel you drifting away from me.. but part of what was kewl about you when I met ya was the fact that it didn’t bother you.

Perhaps I do have an addiction because you have completely done a 180 from how you used to be about it. Fine. I can live with that. I love you.

I don’t know what to do about this as I feel torn either way.. If I look at it, I am guilty somehow of betraying you.. If I don’t look at it, I am being told what to do.

I don’t know why it hurts you so much.. That I don’t understand. I think we both do love each other or we would not of lasted quite this long ya know?

About us…

I want us to be together. Cant you see that’s been in my plan all along?

I wouldn’t want to bring your kids here if I didn’t plan on being with you!

I do know that every time you ask about the marriage thing, it makes me feel weird. Why? I don’t know.. Perhaps its because I haven’t been able to tell you that I do want to marry you, but I need to see us doing better together.

.

I do want us to be together. I do want us to be husband and wife. But I do want us to be happy together and I want you to be happy being with me.

I am sorry I have made your last 1.5 years miserable. I don’t know how to repair damage done. I wish you felt the love I feel for you. I wish you knew that I am crazy about you and tell everyone how lucky I am to have you and that I do hope we will get married.

I don’t know how to fix us other than by communication. I don’t want you to leave and I do want you to want to be with me. Please help me fix us cause I don’t want to lose you.

November 28, 2003

Are you to apart right now like in seperate states or something? I'm trying to see where he is coming from. The letter makes him sound distant not only emotionally but physically away from you. Hearing about your situation would better my understanding of the letter.

November 28, 2003

we live together.. own a biz together..

November 28, 2003

sorry about that.. pc freaked out on me..

Im just confused about what he really means in this letter.. he states one thing then states something completely different..

We live together, just opened a biz together and are rarely apart. ( his choice) He tells me that he loves me many times daily.

November 28, 2003

He seems to feel that you are depressed.

Is that possible?

If so, address that as soon as possible, because things can only get worse if one of you is depressed.

It appears also that he is trying to open up to you.

Appreciate it, because he could have kept it inside and broken up in another 6 mo.

Now that he has started the conversation, you need to ask him what you can do to make him feel better about the relationship.

You also need to tell hem if he is doing things that you do not like. (hinting or appearing sad does not tell a guy anything)

But, DO NOT argue about them, just state them and leave the other person to weigh it and act on it in their time.

November 28, 2003

Thank you, I will try just that...

November 29, 2003

it looks like he is trying to open up with u about the way he feels ur relationship isnt the way it was b4 and he wants it to be like that again, and his feeling insecure about ur unhapiness/ depression which makes him feel bad making him feel maybe that he isnt satisfying u mentally and maybe even physically for u to be that unhappy.

he wants u to open up to him more and communicate more about why ur not happy and what u both need to do to fix it and the fact that u changed from being k with him looking at adult stuff from not liking it isnt going to help none since u were cool with it b4 so u should make that an issue cos he obviously doesnt like to be told what to do and men will be men at the end of the day and they all do it its not cheating its just an easy tool to get off which men also need to do as well as make love to u when ur ur both in the mood and chose to in between men need to get off and that adult stuff is just a catalyst to that so dont get affended by it and suddenly make it an issue with u both. what u need to do though since he is unhappy and feeling bad about ur unhappiness which is probably due to depsression is go see a doctor about it and get medicine for it such a prosaic as an alternative go see a councilor. and to make u both loveing towards each other again u should try taking time out to communicate more about not only problems ur having but ur daily life and whats happening with both as u. And u should spend intimate time together like make and have romantic dinners or baths together in candle light simple romantic gestures like this make such a big difference in ur hapiness together as a whole and going out together and having fun with each other is also important like going to clubs or bars or restaurants together at night also plays apart in being happy together and strengthens ur relationship cos u become close friends as well as lovers as a result rather then one or the other. i should know i had a hard time with my bf and i tried doing that taking my friends advice and we were very happy together once again and we fell deeply in love with each other again cos we kept are relationship and romance and fun together alive and got married soon after and now where happily married and still doing the same. many relationships and marriages usually break up because of the simple lack of these things making the other feel unloved or that they cant make there partner happy leading to either cheating finding affection and that romance else where or break up/divorce. its so simple to do but yet so many marriages/relationships fail to do it and wonder why there are not happy together and how to fix it when there are so many ways to do so. finding an interest both of u have is also another way to do the things u both like together as a couple.

November 29, 2003

For a guy to write a letter like that must say a lot...I know my bf would never do that...he'd say it to me in a D&M but wouldn't write it!!!

Anyway on to my point...sounds like you're letting life get you down...a bit like me...and pressuring him into marriage isn't the answer...i've been there...and that's all i wanted right from the start...was to be married to the man i adored and to have a child by him...but you take a look at the bigger picture and you realise there's no hurry...provided by the fact you don't live by the rules that you could die tomorrow...I was like that too...but i've really learnt a lot...marriage won't fix anything especially when it's not really broken...it may make you feel more secure...but at what cost? Him feeling weird about being married? Depends on your age too and where you are in life...

It also makes sense about him not wanting to take the focus away from his family who are already getting engaged...although my bf did ask me to marry him, and i said yes, we are no longer engaged as we both realised it was way too early, plus we weren't financially stable etc etc...plus my sister is also getting engaged very soon...an his brother was already engaged at the time...so we thought it'd be better...and not just blend into the background of everyone elses wedding plans....

Everything will fall into place when it's supposed to...you've obviously been troubled by something for the entire relationship...are you sure it's just about wanting to be married?

Depression is an illness and i've been there and gotten through the days somehow without medication, that just treats the symptom, not the cause...to beat it you really need to make an effort to be positive...that's the hardest thing about it...but you're not alone...

Tell him what has made you upset, and if it's not him, make sure you tell him because from the sounds of his letter he blames himself and that's not fair on him.

Whenever you feel sad, remember all the good things you have going for you, they may not always be obvious, but they are there in the background. That's the one thing that makes life comfortable in some situations...knowing that no matter what, you have thing's like friends, family, and most of all someone you love dearly who loves you just as much...AND DOES WANT TO MARRY YOU....just not right now...you want him to marry you because he wants to, not ebcause you've pressured him right?

Anyway that's enough dribble from me...hope what I said makes sense...

November 29, 2003

And about that part about men needing that adult stuff...that's a load of crap...my bf was like that before I met him, but since we've been together I said that I didn't like him doing that...and he cared enough about me to stop...and we still maintain a great life in the bedroom without it! And that goes for anything that makes you unhappy, you have the right to state what you're comfortable with, and it's up to them to respect your feelings and compromise on their ways (same goes for you) and if they don't want to change well then that's their right too but you don't have to be with them...

November 29, 2003

he wants u to open up to him more and communicate more about why ur not happy and what u both need to do to fix it and the fact that u changed from being k with him looking at adult stuff from not liking it isnt going to help none since u were cool with it b4

I have spoken with him about this issue..For many many months. But to no avail. He simply either chooses not to hear what Im saying or doesnt care to begin with..

The Adult stuff. yes it really bothers me, Yes I was ok with it in the beginning when I didnt know the extent of how addicted he was to it, but when you are prefering it to your S.O. there is an issue there. Hell He even looks at it when we are here at work. Which is a very big NO-NO in my eyes. We have worked far to hard and long to get the biz up and running. I dont want to loose absolutely everything because he cant control it. Further more I am not depressed, I do stay tired alot because of work. We work upwards of 18 hours a day 7 days a week, that leaves little to no time for any kind of personal life.

November 29, 2003

Really does it hurt you?

Does it keep him from having friends, talking to you, spending time doing work, eating, bathing?

Is it a big deal because it's something you can be mad at him about?

There aren't a lot of gents out there that will pay that much attention to what they're thinking and why they're thinking it, and on top of it try and share it with their SO.

I'd focus more on getting your lines of communication flowing. Porn and the like can improve and enhance your sex life, rather than have it be some excuse to make him unhappy with who he is.

No one "needs" anything other than to eat and breath and excrete. Everything else is what we make of it. You have a guy who's willing to talk to you and share with you. I'd work with that.

December 7, 2003

Pornography is as addictive as alcohol, drugs and nicotine. It causes actual changes to brain chemicals in the same way that cocaine does. It will not stop by itself. Just like addictive substances, you will need more and harder porn to keep the brain chemicals at the same level. Your husband needs to admit to himself first of all he has a serious problem which is not only affecting his relationship with he is hurting u mentally, by being addicted to it as if it was a drug putting it b4 u ignoring all ur needs for his affections, attention and even sex or romantic acts such a romantic dinners/baths on a regualr basis with u. which is esstential to keep ur relationship health and happy. so u need to communicate this to him and everything ur felling , and how is hurting u and effecting ur relationship and closeness and openesswith him since he is obviously lying to u and holding back things from u which is in effect lying and keeping secrets which is not only destructive for him cos his feeling ashamed and guity about it which affects ur closeness and communication with him, but also hurts u cos his lying to u which is destructive for a marriage. u need to for one make him see what his doing his hurting ur marriage and u and commuicate this to them not leaving things out. 2)see a councillor/therapist together and separatly to get the help he desperatly needs. 3)go to a church if ur a christian and start attending sermons/church atleast once a week this will help to bring god in ur life and help in getting rid of any spritual issues he has with this porn and his addiction to it usually is spritual as well as physical. 4)spend intimate time together just the two of u with out the kids. Whever its going out to a party, restaurant, making a romantic gesture such as make a dinner/bath bath together for u both under candle light. romantic gesures, going out, open communication and haveing fun together are very important inorder to keep ur relationship healthy and stable otherwise u wont have that closeness u and attention to ur needs which u are obviously lacking. here are some sites i looked up which may help u and to help urhusband get pass this addiction, http://www.firesofdarkness.com/index.htm,

http://www.firesofdarkness.com/This...of_the_Wall.htm

http://www.firesofdarkness.com/Prayer.htm

http://www.firesofdarkness.com/DearHearts2.htm

http://www.no-porn.com/breaking.html

http://www.sexualintegrity.org/addiction/

http://www.pureintimacy.org/online1/