, can't get over wifes affair.

[John O]

I will try to make this short, try I said;

 

My wife came from a screwed up family, drunk for a father he also slept around and it was no secret, my wife knew when she was a child. She was damaged by him to say the least. Fatherless daughter syndrome and the rest is history that I got to deal with for the first ten years of our marriage. She was dealing with anxiety, OCD, Panic and anxiety attacks and very low self esteem. I was young and had no idea how to cope with all of her problems and I asked her to see a professional. She refused, scared of taking medication, thought it would be poisioned or something. She feared everything, we could not go far from the local hospital for fear she would need some life saving medical help. After some time I think the mental torture she put me through as she tried to cope with all of her issues killed my soul and my thoughts of a happy marriage. She constantly accused me of cheating on her and I was and still am not that kind of person. I was faithful and enjoyed the idea of being married. I however began to change. I stopped feeling, I stopped doing things that I liked and worried what kind of crap I would have to put up with if I did not call or come home on time. No going out with the guys, nothing was allowed and if it was I heard about it the rest of the night.

 

Not getting the feeling that I am married to a person capable of giving love I told her that I needed to have sex, which she was no longer very interested in. I told her that I loved to have sex with her and if I could not I would have to result to porn. I told her that I would not step outside or touch another person but I would have to have some kind of relief. She stressed me out with all of her problems and the normal daily things I had to deal with I felt like people needed to feel loved and I liked to be with her but she was unavailable. This is not a couple of months I'm talking about this lasted for ten years.

 

At the twelve year mark she began taking medication and she also began working things out with her father. She also began acting like she could be coming around to living without fear of every thing. She did not stop accusing me of sleeping around however. A couple of months pass by and she finds a friend, she never had a friend so I'm excited. She begins getting bolder and more confident and begins spending the night at her friends house, she plans a trip alone to Florida and on and on it's just great. I start trying to look at her in a new light and she isn't talking about it much, she is on the phone with her friend and they are having a blast, laughing and cutting up.

 

In my infinite wisdom I decide to tape the phone so I can find out what I can do to make her happier, what is it that I am not doing to make this change in her work for our marriage. I get the tape the first night, she came home and packed up to go stay the night with her friend but she called before she left so I knew I could catch them talking about something good. The tape begins playing and it's her girlfriend, normal conversation and all but she says, can you come over he wants to see you. Daaaada da ........ THe next voice is the cable guy and she is so happy and giddy sounding. He just cant help it he has to see her, I sank into the couch and died that night. I put up with all the crap one person can take, I was happy for her newness, happy about her new friend, happy about the trip to Florida; which was for them.

 

 

She lied about it and continued the affair after I confronted her with the evidence. She said they never had sex, just slept in the same bed. I eventually talked her mother into telling me the truth and I divorced her. For six months she begged me to come back. I sold the house and kept moving on but we had a daughter and I felt lost without her. I could see her growing up with this crazy woman and I felt I needed to protect her. My soon to be ex got Jail House Religion and began talking about Jesus and it sounded good, she sounded like she had made some changes. Guilt ridden about the porn I chose to lower myself to I took her back and began trying to get through the affair. She lied most of the time and I could tell because the details were always contradicting. This goes on for six years and she tells me how sorry she is, she calls or confronts people she hurt. She cries and looks like she truly has remorse but she still can't tell me the details of the sexual stuff.

 

Seven years of this crap, seven years of professional therapy for me and she finally tells me the whole truth about the affair.

 

She is a great person today 12 years later; she has really changed and I know you are probably thinking this guy is crazy by now and I have been but she has tried so hard and come so far it just seems like a big waste to leave her now.

 

The problem is I can't get over the resentment, the pain, the sex the fact that I was acussed on a daily basis of cheating and the fact that she would not stop until I divorced her. I still remember it like it was yesterday, I can remember her sitting on my lap asking me to help her get over loving him. How crazy is that, what was I thinking, I know I was in shock and I know I did not want to lose my child but "help me get over him." Jerry Springer here I come. I am a healthcare professional, I am attractive and very outgoing, well I was at one time. I forgot to mention that she tried to get him to leave her alone, she said she did not mean for it to got that far, she realizes now that her low self esteem drove her towards the attention. She also got pregnant by me, to make him leave her alone and he still kept coming and she still kept seeing him. She had sex with him while pregnant and later had an abortion. She told me she miscarriaged and blamed me for it, said the miscarriage was due to the stress I put her under. What kind of people screw married women who are pregnant with their husbands child?

 

 

Please help me I am depressed and floundering in this crazy sea of hatred.

[JaggedRoad]

It's a tough call, but I just needed to read the last few lines about the miscarriage to make my decision. Leave her. She's putting you through so much hell. It may just get worse down the line if you stay with her.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I see behind all your words you possibly still love her.

 

But make no mistake your under no obligation to stay with her. I know what it feels like to look at her and remember everything. I'd rather be away from a person like this and start over with someone else. Forgive her so you can forgive yourself.

 

I'm sorry all this stuff had to had to happen. So the best thing in live is moving forward and living your life free of the pain she inflicted.

 

You have other kids by her???

[John O]

Thanks guys, Jaggedroad you sound like the person I used to be when I had balls. I'm watching Borne Ultimatum as I type, "the fight seen, jumping from building to building etc." I feel like a man when I let her go, when I refuse to let the crap that took place invade my head.

 

When I take the crap on my shoulders and I mean take the blame that was layed on me for her crap I can't see the Bourne character in me. Her family constantly told her how much of an a-hole I was. This came from the many times I tried to help her with life issues. She did so many things I can't begin to explain how stupid most of them were. I tried to help her in most of these common knowledge issues and they labeled me as controlling. I remember a time when she asked me if she could go eat lunch with an old friend "male friend before the affair" and I said go ahead but he is going to try to get in your pants. She came home and said he is married and he asked me if I would go to Florida with him. That is all she said at that time. After the affair and seven years later when she came clean she told me she went to his house and they kissed. I should mention that she also went to a Strip club with an all male group performance and ended up on the stage with one of the dancers. She was with a group of Nursing students from her class and they encouraged her onto the stage per her report but later that night he cornered her and they kissed. We had been together for about a year or two when this took place. Before we got married she she flew out to see me and after several trips she met a guy on the plane, during a layover she had lunch with him. The entire time I am under the impression she is interested in marriage. The entire thing just reads like a crazy storm of insanity.

 

I believe that I have convinced myself to let this go by not taking on the bull.... idea that I was the cause of her poor decisions throughout her life with me, like I was not enough, like I have a problem because I can't get over this.

 

Chrome, your right I did not have a chance to stop thinking I was married, I did not have a chance to begin a new relationship, I was blind sided and confused when I found out about the affair. I could not just turn the love I had for her off, I could not forget that we had a child. Crazy but its the way I see it.

 

Thanks again for your replies.

[phineas]

Personally I disreguard screwed up childhoods, family pasts & what-not if the woman demonstrated to me she knew what was right & wrong before she went wrong.

 

My wife for instance was in an uproar when her brother's wife cheated on him & basically used him.

 

She knew that acting like that was wrong & said so many times.

 

Yet she wound up doing the same thing to me.

 

Once I managed to process this I stopped making excuses for why she did what she did & realized she was just a POS.

 

So screw her.

I don't need or want someone like that in my life.

 

Unfortunatly with kids i'm going to have to deal with her for a very long time, but I won't let her make me miserable any more.

 

I won't let her get in between me & the next one to come along either.

[John O]

While my wife was having the affair "I had no idea at the time about the affair" she told me about an old boyfriend that was having an affair and how terrible it was.

 

It's crazy people who screw up the world for the rest of us people who must love crazy people.

[JaggedRoad]

John, I find your comment about me a little undeserving. You are the one with the balls to deal with your wife's nonsense without going crazy. I broke down and became a withered husk that resembled nothing of who I was when my ex-girlfriend broke up with me. You, John, are the one with the balls. I'm just a bitter and heartbroken idiot who has grown resentful of those who have the audacity to lie and cheat in a relationship.

 

I hope you the best of luck with your situation.