jessicasilver Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Ok I created this post because I would really like to know why exes who dump their other halves still want to remain friends even though its then letting go, so if you ever dumped someone and still wanted to be friends with your ex what was your reason??? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabella Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 I'm not sure if this applies to my situation but briefly... My guy and I were on a LDR and he asked me for a break to straighten himself out (mental issues), to which I agreed. In the end, he situation proved too difficult for me to handle and I ended it permanently. I told him I wanted to be friends (and I actually meant it) because I love him & care about him deeply. Regardless of whether we're a couple or not, I feel my life is enriched for having him in it. The relationship just didn't work out but doesn't mean I value him any less as a person. Ultimately he doesn't seem capable of handling this though and has gone NC with me for "a good long while", in his own words. I do hope to be able to be friends with him at some point down the line. Arabella Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Depends upon emotional setpoint. Personally, especially when younger, I had a problem with people being angry at me, especially undeservedly. Too much diplomacy, not enough 'f*ck you'. Well, we all grow up sometime Guilt, as often opined here on LS, is a potent motivator of the 'let's be friends' movement. I remember, in MC, when the psychologist started floating the 'other options' balloon, my stbx used those words. I'm thinking, right, I'll be civil and decent, but friends will never be a feature of my relationship with an ex-wife. I don't need my guilt assuaged that much.... The other one is fear, as I mentioned prior. Fear of social rejection; fear of being alone; fear of emotion in general. We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Link to post Share on other sites
splintered thing Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Why not? If there's enough that you value about someone that you'd have a romantic relationship with them, it seems reasonable that there'd be enough about them that you'd want them as a friend. You can want someone to be a part of your life even if the part they play changes over time. Link to post Share on other sites
New_Life08 Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 I think there are a few different reasons depending on the person. 1. Guilt 2. Co-dependency 3. They love you, they just are not "IN" love with you Any time I ever broke up with someone because I didn't feel the chemistry, I offered to be friends because I felt guilty for hurting them. But usually when I broke up with someone it is because I was betrayed, and the last thing I wanted is their friendship. I guess I was never one to maintain a close friendship with anyone I broke up with. It seems odd to me. But, that's just my own preference. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Why not? If there's enough that you value about someone that you'd have a romantic relationship with them, it seems reasonable that there'd be enough about them that you'd want them as a friend. You can want someone to be a part of your life even if the part they play changes over time. I have a simple saying "If we were still friends, we'd be married" Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 Ok I created this post because I would really like to know why exes who dump their other halves still want to remain friends even though its then letting go, so if you ever dumped someone and still wanted to be friends with your ex what was your reason??? guilt and to make themselves feel better. they hope they are letting you down gentley so they feel better Link to post Share on other sites
Leia Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 So they can always fall back on their exes. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 I tend to like my exes as people, therefore, have no problems being friends with them, as long as they treat me well. Right now, I'm in contact with four exes, including my cheating ex-H. And no, there's no way I would ever get back with any of them. They're not backburners and they know where they stand. Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 It gives the dumper closure knowing you are accepting being dumped. Then they slowly lose contact with you as they move on. Ofcourse there are a few exceptions to the rule Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 My ex broke up with me, claimed to still love me, but yet 'wants to be friends'. However he says this but can't seem to follow it through. For now he can only be friends by emailing me from time to time. We were best friends before we got together, but its nearly impossible to just be friends after so much history and hurt between two people, at least without a lot of time in between. Even then, feelings have a way of re-emerging. Link to post Share on other sites
adamt Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 My ex said she hoped we could be friends in the future. Not heard from her since we broke up. So there you go, they just say it to feel better and not mean it. No doubt sometime in the future we may bump into each other then she will come and say hello and then end the conversation by saying glad we can be friends. then i wont speak to her again. Seen it with my own eyes when we bumped into one of her exes she went out with 5 years go when we were together. She said her ex took the split badly, and hadn not spoken since but glad we are now friends. clearly it is just to clear her guilt and feel better. The dumper says all sorts of stuff which they dont really mean to make things easier for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 2, 2009 Share Posted October 2, 2009 I know my ex isn't doing anything to make the split easier on me. He broke up with me in email at one of the worst possible times, avoids me like the plaque, speaks to me here and there in contradictory ways, tells me he wants me for the future...blah blah blah. I know if he wanted me as a friend, it wouldn't be to make me feel better. Its all for him. Link to post Share on other sites
colin100 Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Hi I think guilt is often part of it, maybe the need for security (not wanting to let go of something that was once very comfortable), plus you probably still care for the person and like them them a lot on some levels and get on with them on some levels - these last three reasons constitute a strong basis for any friendship. I think once one party meets and starts going out with someone else however, the friendship usually gets harder and less strong - but can still exist. I've found friendships in "the early days" after a break up to be hard and in general not a great idea, but in the long run possible. Link to post Share on other sites
callingyouuu Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 I don't feel like dumpers are at fault for wanting to be friends. Their perspective often makes it difficult for them to see how they're making the other person feel. Dumpees, on the other hand, would then be wrong for saying yes and remaining friends when they're not mentally ready for that yet. Link to post Share on other sites
leap83 Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 To be honest, I have NEVER stayed friends with an ex. However, I still talk with a couple of them, but it's not like we're best buddies. The one that was a 4 yr relationship, he offered to be friends recently, but I refused to be friends with him because I believe he did it to control me. As a result, I also blocked him so he can't contact me ever again. Only recently however did I start to really ponder the idea of staying friends with one of my exes (the one that just recently ended). I started to realize a lot of things after the break up - you know how they say "signs are everywhere" - and I actually believe he wanted to stay friends with me because he values me as a person. In our case, it really was a situation of "bad timing" but IMO, he was truthful about the whole situation even admitting that he can't be friends right away. Whether it will work out, I don't know because I went cold turkey on him and plan to stay like that for another couple of months. So, some people do it as a way of control. Others are genuine about it. While others do it because they feel guilty. I think it depends on the person. But you can pretty much tell which ones really mean it and which don't. However, if you expect to be friends with an ex right when you break up, you're very wrong. Both of you should heal first and move on with your life before you even attempt at building a proper friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Additionally, I think a distinction should be made between "friends" and "friendly". I'm "friendly", but my stbx will never have any proactive interest in my life, be included in friends and family gatherings, be there as a friend to support me in tough times and share joys. It's simply not in her to be that way, to me. So, she will never be a friend. To those here who say you are friends with ex-spouses and ex-lovers, how do you define such friendships? TBF, would you say your ex-H and your fiance get on well? They've met, you all have done things together as friends and so on and so forth? I presume your ex-H has a new wife or GF. You know, couples stuff. Friends and friendly. Few of the former and a lot of the latter, for me. YMMV Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessicasilver Posted October 4, 2009 Author Share Posted October 4, 2009 thanks for all your post, we all have different opinions about being friends with our exes, i am currently friends with my ex who broke up with me a month ago.... it hasnt been easy, watching and listening to him moving on with his life without me but i wouldnt want to lose him as a person, he was my bestfriend. i wish i allowed myself time to heal before i jumped into being friends with him because at the moment i still care about him alot and i really dont want to hear about him being happy without me... i hope in the future i will be able to just care about him as just a friend Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 (edited) To those here who say you are friends with ex-spouses and ex-lovers, how do you define such friendships? TBF, would you say your ex-H and your fiance get on well? They've met, you all have done things together as friends and so on and so forth? I presume your ex-H has a new wife or GF. You know, couples stuff.I don't go out by myself, with any exes. We stay in contact via email, IM and phone. As a couple, we've been out for dinner with two of my exes and see two at house parties, here and there. They all get along with my fiance. There's only one that S. hasn't met, since he's not part of our social circle. S. knows about him and is fine with it. As for my ex-H, he's one who we've been out for dinner with and seen at house parties. While he's only brought his date du jours, as he's still not attached, it would have been more awkward had he been by himself. Edit - I should clarify that we're not close friends. Edited October 5, 2009 by Trialbyfire Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 I'm just as confused about this as you and have tried to read anything I find out there on this subject. So far everything I read is that it’s always for the dumper’s selfish reasons, even if they think they’re trying to be your friend to ease your pain. Even that is selfish on their part because then they’re just doing it out of guilt. My ex who treated me and then dumped in a horrible way, has tried every few months to test the waters with me to see if we can be friends. At first I get excited that he’s contacting me but in a day or two I always end up feeling angry and hurt because he acts like everything is hunky dory and we should just act as if we’ve been friends all along. He tells me about what’s going on in his life and it hurts to hear because I know all the things he’s telling me about he’s now experiencing with someone else. I want more and he’s not willing to give that to me but has no answer when I tell him why he’s trying so hard to be my friend. I mean now that we’re not dating he’s willing to drop everything to help me out and do me favors. When I as him why he’s being so nice now he says that he enjoys talking to and spending time with me. It’s an absolutely infuriating answer because if that was true he would have never dumped me right? WHY WHY WHY? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted October 5, 2009 Share Posted October 5, 2009 jessicasilver, trying to be friends with someone who you still have romantic thoughts about, isn't a good idea. It slows down, if not stops, your ability to move on. If your ex is any kind of reasonable person, he should understand and respect that you need time to move on. It's up to you to express this need or not. If you never express it, the assumption will be that you're okay with the status quo, since no one can read your mind. As to selfish purposes to keep your exes in your life, the same can be said for people who get dumped but hold on for dear life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessicasilver Posted October 6, 2009 Author Share Posted October 6, 2009 i remember when i dumped one of my exes and i was still calling him and texting him not because i wanted to get back with him but because i was comfortable with him and i thought he would always be there for me no matter what i do or say.... until one day he opened up to me and told me he still loved me even though a year went past and i was with someone new (the guy who dumped me), i realised i had to let him go fully as i was giving him the wrong idea everytime i called him and spoke to him. i havent heard from him since and i genuinely hope he is happy and has moved on with someone new ! however now its my turn and i feel his pain im friends with my current ex and it hurts so i decided to go no contact until im ready to be his friend which might take along time!! everyone is different, i guess after sharing apart of yourself with someone intimately its hard to downgrade and just become friends... and watch that person move on and throw everything you once shared away ! its my 2nd day of no contact and it doesnt seem to be getting any easier but its early days Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 1) Dumpers want to be friends when they genuinely like their ex as a person and get on with them, but don't find them attractive. 2) Dumpers want to be friends to appease their own guilt at having dumped the dumpee - perhaps they feel that being friends will make the dumpee feel a bit better, so they feel less guilty. 3) Dumpers want to be friends when they want to keep you as a back-up, so they can get back together with you if things don't work out. 4) Dumpers want to be friends when they want to retain some benefit they're getting from the relationship, be it sex, or money, or free food if you work in a restaurant, etc. 5) Dumpers want to be friends if they can't avoid bumping into you and therefore need to maintain a civil atmosphere. I can't think of any other reasons, that pretty much covers it. Link to post Share on other sites
lsb Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 If they were such a great friend, you would still be with them. Link to post Share on other sites
DSM2709 Posted October 7, 2009 Share Posted October 7, 2009 Thornton, I like your reasons, very informative. My ex and I are still friends even though she dumped me and the new guy she's with is a total nutjob. I only pray and hope one day she will break up with him, and give me another chance. I stay in contact with my ex, and we have some good laughs and do alot of talking. I'm trying so hard not mentioning about us getting back together if she does dump this loser. I miss her like crazy, and I am seeing other people, and she knows it, so maybe she's a little jealous too when I talk about who I'm dating. I have changed since we've been broken up since July, so who knows. You know what they say, women want what they can't have...right? Plus my ex said to me a while ago that she would rather marry her best friend than anyone else, well she considers me her best friend.....don't worry I'm not getting my hopes up. It would be like winning the lottery if it did happen though. Good post!! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts