why do some dumpers still want to be friends?

[harmfulsweetz]

It depends really. Some people find that they are better off as friends, as in, they didn't work romantically, but they are still a valuable part of the person's life. We have all, and will all, have times when we meet a person, get with them, it fizzles out but that person is still important to you. Why should you then give that person up even if it is just having a coffee now and then? A little email etc?

 

Some people say it out of guilt, some genuinely believe that over time they could be friends.

[Thornton]

If they were such a great friend, you would still be with them.

 

I don't think that's necessarily true. Frienship and relationship are two different things, as evidenced by the number of people on this board posting threads like "I love my partner, but I'm not in love with them". I have good friends who I'm not attracted to and wouldn't want to have a relationship with - just because someone is a great friend it doesn't mean you should be in a relationship with them. I'm friends with my ex because he's a genuinely nice guy, but there's no chemistry between us so we couldn't continue having a relationship - our "relationship" was more like a friendship, and with hindsight friends is all we should ever have been.

[robinincarolina]

It lessens the pain and the guilt of the dumper by remaining friends. It helps them as they let go and lessens the pain of complete loss that they will experience regardless even if they chose to exit the relationship.

 

If you stay friends, the letting go and healing will take longer for the one dumped. So if you have been dumped, why would you want to make the life of the dumper easier and yours harder?

[carhill]

I'm friends with my ex because he's a genuinely nice guy, but there's no chemistry between us so we couldn't continue having a relationship - our "relationship" was more like a friendship, and with hindsight friends is all we should ever have been.

 

OK, here's the test. Give me an example of how you are now supportive of his life and times; sharing the joys of his new relationships, the sorrows of his losses. Being a friend. Proactively Or, alternatively, describe what friendship means to you.

[Turista]

It lessens the pain and the guilt of the dumper by remaining friends. It helps them as they let go and lessens the pain of complete loss that they will experience regardless even if they chose to exit the relationship.

 

If you stay friends, the letting go and healing will take longer for the one dumped. So if you have been dumped, why would you want to make the life of the dumper easier and yours harder?

 

You go girl!

[CaliGuy]

This topic comes up every few weeks. Here are MY reasons why exes want to stay friends.

 

1. They want to relieve their own guilty feelings of dumping you.

2. They want to keep you on the back burner in case their #1, #2, #3 (etc) dating options don't pan out.

3. You meet a need (emotional or physical) that isn't being met currently (either by a new person or simply that they aren't dating and want to fill the void). This is extremely selfish because your ex gets their needs met while yours go un-met.

4. They're truly unsure of what they want, but they really don't want you.

 

In any case, I don't see the benefit of being "friends" with an ex. What is your ex going to offer you as a friend that you can not find with a TRUE friend? Answer: Nothing.

 

If you hang on to your ex as a friend, most likely this will keep you hanging on to hope that you'll win them over and start dating again. The odds of that are slim to none and just think how odd it will feel to hear your ex talk about their new flame and how much fun they are having together.

 

No thanks. Why not stick me in the eye with a red hot poker? Same thing.

 

NEXT!

[Thornton]

OK, here's the test. Give me an example of how you are now supportive of his life and times; sharing the joys of his new relationships, the sorrows of his losses. Being a friend. Proactively Or, alternatively, describe what friendship means to you.

 

He lives abroad now, but he comes to visit me when he comes home, and we hang out. We have many of the same interests and I like to talk to him about some topics, usually via Skype since he doesn't live here any more. We talk about our lives and support each other as friends who have known each other for a long time. If I come across an interesting article I email it to him, and he does the same; I derive an intellectual benefit from the relationship. Also he was my dance partner for many years, we trained together exhaustively and still know our routines off by heart; when he comes home we still go dancing sometimes, just for fun.

 

We actually ended up dating in the first place because we used to dance together all the time, and we also got on really well, so we ended up spending all our time together and we sort of fell into a relationship by default because we were so close. To be honest, our relationship was great apart from the lack of physical attraction between us; that's why we stuck it out for so long even though the lack of physical attraction was uncomfortably obvious. In the end, however (after not having sex for two years) we decided that we had to call it quits, because while our emotional relationship was great our physical relationship was non-existent.

Edited October 8, 2009 by Thornton

[harmfulsweetz]

This topic comes up every few weeks. Here are MY reasons why exes want to stay friends.

 

1. They want to relieve their own guilty feelings of dumping you.

2. They want to keep you on the back burner in case their #1, #2, #3 (etc) dating options don't pan out.

3. You meet a need (emotional or physical) that isn't being met currently (either by a new person or simply that they aren't dating and want to fill the void). This is extremely selfish because your ex gets their needs met while yours go un-met.

4. They're truly unsure of what they want, but they really don't want you.

 

In any case, I don't see the benefit of being "friends" with an ex. What is your ex going to offer you as a friend that you can not find with a TRUE friend? Answer: Nothing.

 

If you hang on to your ex as a friend, most likely this will keep you hanging on to hope that you'll win them over and start dating again. The odds of that are slim to none and just think how odd it will feel to hear your ex talk about their new flame and how much fun they are having together.

 

No thanks. Why not stick me in the eye with a red hot poker? Same thing.

 

NEXT!

But what if you both value each other as people, and you as a person are an important part of their life? The R ends amicably, and one has to make the move because it doesn't work as a R, but you would still like to remain friends. It is possible for exes to be friends, with no ulterior motives, no guilt involved etc etc. It's that people forget what's really important to them when they break up. If an R simply doesn't work, it doesn't work, that doesn't mean you have to loathe the dumper or dumpee for all time, it often means it didn't fit.

I know many people do often say they want to remain friends to relieve guilt, hurt etc. It makes it easier to do, than saying 'get out of my life you useless ****' however, there are those genuine occaisions when a dumper can want to be friends for the sake of being friends. Not close friends maybe, but friends all the same. If you have mutual friends, were friends to start out with etc, it can be extremely difficult to sever ties. You may go for coffee from time to time, pass each other in the street, say hello, have a chat etc, email. Friendships with the exes can be difficult, but if someone were important in my life enough for me to be romantically involved with them, provided they did nothing particularly to hurt me, or betray me, I can't see why you can't honour that importance by giving it the friendship they deserve. If someone were that important, I'd want to know how they are doing, what they are up to, if their next gf makes them happy etc. Just because their role in your life shifts, doesn't mean they don't have a part to play.

[carhill]

To be honest, our relationship was great apart from the lack of physical attraction between us; that's why we stuck it out for so long even though the lack of physical attraction was uncomfortably obvious.

 

So, to me, it sounds like you were friends and dance partners who decided, irrespective of any physical attraction, to grow a friendship into a relationship. Reasonable? OK, then, having had relationships with physical attraction and the attendant emotions, describe the difference in the post-relationship dynamic. This is key. Can you see the differences in expectations in and realizations of a romantic partner (in the true sense, when all emotions are in play) when that dynamic suddenly ends?

 

TBH, even with emotional detachment and MC, there are times when it still stings. Little things, like reviewing the cell phone bill last night, or seeing certain pictures that bring back memories. These are things and feelings I would never consider with a 'friend' but would with a stbx. That's the difference. The expectations and desires were and are different, IMO.

[muse08]

still miss my ex. he did some sweet things for me and with me. but also some borderline obsessive things regarding calling me and his expectations of us seeing one another too frquently. he mentioned he was addicted to me(hmmm?)...not a good thing. now that we're not together i miss it, but when it was going on it didn't feel good and i felt smothered. so i think that i'm missing him partially b/c the ritual of him calling all day long for days is gone. it became the norm the hear from him everyday,all day and see him. though we've been apart technically for about 4 months now,i still miss some things about him b/c he kept contacting me regularly even during these 4 months. perhaps b/c i'm not seriously dating anyone else now. we just saw each other 4 days ago and during that time i had to remind him that we need to chill out and we're not together. he called the next night to say goodnight and that he loved me.i was half sleep and said "thank you and goodnight" and hung up without him saying anything else.although i texted him the next day saying sorry i was sleep when he called,he hasn't texted back or called since then. understandably so i guess. i was the one to break up with him and keep reminding him that we're not together.though he's made some efforts to make things better btwn us,it's just not good enough and some crucial areas may never change and i now realize that.i think i'm finally accepting it and ready to let go...i hope!

[muse08]

This topic comes up every few weeks. Here are MY reasons why exes want to stay friends.

 

1. They want to relieve their own guilty feelings of dumping you.

2. They want to keep you on the back burner in case their #1, #2, #3 (etc) dating options don't pan out.

3. You meet a need (emotional or physical) that isn't being met currently (either by a new person or simply that they aren't dating and want to fill the void). This is extremely selfish because your ex gets their needs met while yours go un-met.

4. They're truly unsure of what they want, but they really don't want you.

 

most of this is true, but i honestly don't feel guilt b/c the reasons i broke up with him are that are lives are simply not compatible at this point. my needs are not being met as they could be.he would do other things to try and please me but the more major areas were lacking in some regards.that's what keeps popping up in my mind and preventing me from feeling guilty.i treated him well and was fair to him. THAT gives me comfort in knowing i made the right decision to let him go...IMO.

 

overall i just don't like people to be mad with me, but i have learned to stop losing sleep over someone else's dislike of my decisions...

Edited October 8, 2009 by muse08

[Thornton]

OK, then, having had relationships with physical attraction and the attendant emotions, describe the difference in the post-relationship dynamic. This is key. Can you see the differences in expectations in and realizations of a romantic partner (in the true sense, when all emotions are in play) when that dynamic suddenly ends?

 

Yes, I can see the difference between a relationship where the people in question were mostly just friends and tried to make that that into a relationship, and a relationship where there really was a spark between the two people and they parted for reasons other than lack of attraction. Really a relationship is friendship+attraction... if the attraction is lacking then the friendship can still remain, but if the attraction was there and the friendship was lacking, then why should the friendship be any better post-breakup?

 

Take my ex as an example: We were great friends but there was no attraction; however despite the lack of attraction our friendship worked fine, so we continued with that after our breakup. Now take my other ex as an example: there was a lot of attraction but he simply wasn't very nice to me, so if he wasn't nice to me before we broke up, how could I expect him to treat me like a friend after we broke up? When I look at pictures of the former ex I feel like it was happy times with a trusted friend, who never betrayed me, there was just no spark between us. When I look at pictures of the latter ex I feel hurt and sad, because he did betray me and treat me badly.

 

I also think it makes a huge difference whether you were the dumper or the dumpee... if I dumped someone I feel much happier being friends with them than I do being friends with someone who dumped me. If someone dumped me I'm much more likely to feel hurt about it, whereas if I was the dumper I'd feel much more comfortable being friends because there are no hard feelings.

[JaggedRoad]

I also think it makes a huge difference whether you were the dumper or the dumpee... if I dumped someone I feel much happier being friends with them than I do being friends with someone who dumped me. If someone dumped me I'm much more likely to feel hurt about it, whereas if I was the dumper I'd feel much more comfortable being friends because there are no hard feelings.

 

This makes me think that dumpers simply don't care. Of course there are going to be hard feelings. You're just ignoring the other person's feelings. Like someone said on LS, the dumper's responsibility ends when he or she lets go of the dumpee. This makes me irritable, but thank you for sharing your insight

[carhill]

Our psychologist talked about the dynamic of empathy and how different people experience it differently.

 

Fit empathy into the dynamic of dumping someone and whirl it around a bit and see what comes out

[fitzy30]

i was going out with my ex nearly 5yrs im 30 and she is 23.

 

she broke up with me and said she wanted to be friends and when she left i texted her loads of times to meet up and she turned me down loads of times and she said it was still weird for her,then we met up in may this year 2 months after the breakup and she said she wanted to be friends with me and for me to move on and she also said she would be in contact with me soon

 

she never once contacted me and i never contacted her and i wont either.

 

she added my cousin and brother on her facebook but never added me

 

im totally confused,im so angry..im not making the first move im just going to forget about her

[deux ex machina]

I'm ambivalent about cutting off contact entirely with my ex.

Right now.

 

First of all, I have to keep up with him somewhat, because we have a lot of things to tie up. But that will be over, and then we may be completely out of each other's lives. It is difficult to know what will happen with that, since it's really up to him, and I cannot begin to predict his behavior.

 

Yes, he is not quite sane, has an awful evil streak, and is very unpredictable, confusing, upsetting, ect. - however, unlike every Lifetime movie ever made, he's not 100% evil, and I'm not 100% good - in fact, he has a lot of qualities that I think make him one of the most interesting people I have ever known - he's brilliant, eccentric, and every now and then he does says or does something that gentle (maybe he even means it).

 

Actually, I can get him out of my life any time I wanted, once we get everything sorted out.

 

It is really too bad he is incapable of empathy. He is broken, and it's just the way it works out.

 

If I have to be honest with myself, I will say this: we are friendly, occasionally, but he is not the only one getting something out of it.

 

Thing is, he made me crazy with his behavior near the end, it was humiliating to me, he walked all over me...and I don't want him to be left with that wretched mess as his final impression of me.

 

I had a sneaking suspicion that he planned things to happen that way, to make it easier on him, once he realized it was going to be over.

 

My suspicions are pretty on target, because when I do have contact with him lately...he always seems to do something that seems tailor-made to evoke a certain response. When he doesn't get it, he escalates, then leaves immediately.

 

I believe it unjust, and I want to correct it.

 

I want to show him he didn't take it all away, get back my dignity.

 

I know how this reads. I'm being honest.

Edited October 9, 2009 by deux ex machina

[muse08]

@deux ex machina, i feel you. some people are very manipulative and can suck your positive energy very quickly if you're not careful, regarding breakups. sounds like your ex is doing just that. if i were you deux ex machina, i would respond to him very minimally and upbeat. that speaks louder than anything.

 

on another note,we dumpers are not always the bad guys/gals. the reasons for dumping someone should be looked at as well.i dumped my ex b/c i noticed some of his unhealthy obsessive actions with me. plus he became very manipulative when i tried to maintain some sort of contact with him. he was hurt so bad that he wanted to remind me of how hurt he was, every chance he got...he would even say it sometimes..."it doesn't feel good when it happens now does it? think about how you hurt me". other times there are unsaid things he does.

 

so i've gradually realized that i can't be friends with my ex b/c i no longer trust his motives. as hurt as he makes himself sound...i feel like i would be looking over my shoulder all the time...

[deux ex machina]

@deux ex machina, i feel you. some people are very manipulative and can suck your positive energy very quickly if you're not careful, regarding breakups. sounds like your ex is doing just that. if i were you deux ex machina, i would respond to him very minimally and upbeat. that speaks louder than anything...

 

That's what I'm doing. Which is why he is escalates. But it's just not "working" (getting the reaction).

 

I only JUST figured it out. Today. It's all too obvious.

 

 

 

Well, he popped up again after being away for some time.

 

The backstory is on another thread somewhere...I broke it off, we tried to be friends (not 'friendly', as I insist we be now...I can't afford friends, lol), and he drew me in, and did some terrible things in order to make it easier at that point, I believe.

 

That was when he went away, only to come back recently, sharing rainbows, puppies and love just like always...

 

So that's where I'm at now - I'm finally pissed off.

[deux ex machina]

...

on another note,we dumpers are not always the bad guys/gals. the reasons for dumping someone should be looked at as well.i dumped my ex b/c i noticed some of his unhealthy obsessive actions with me. plus he became very manipulative when i tried to maintain some sort of contact with him. he was hurt so bad that he wanted to remind me of how hurt he was, every chance he got...he would even say it sometimes..."it doesn't feel good when it happens now does it? think about how you hurt me". other times there are unsaid things he does.

 

so i've gradually realized that i can't be friends with my ex b/c i no longer trust his motives. as hurt as he makes himself sound...i feel like i would be looking over my shoulder all the time...

 

 

I wouldn't put up with that, either.

 

He's justifying his acting out.

 

I've had this exact same thing play out before with someone. We had to take about a year apart before we could be in the same room without him getting sketchy.

[leap83]

Sometimes people genuinely want to stay friends because either the timing of the relationship was **** or it just didn't work out at that point in time for some other external factors. Maybe both of you were not ready for a relationship, yet ignored that and ended up in one - case of a bad timing - then realized "Oh ****... this person is awesome but I feel like I can't commit yet." Case of mutual break-up. I believe that even if there is mutual attraction you can be friends but you have to let some time pass. You can't just jump in because if you do, then you're not in it for the friendship but something more. It's selfish.

 

If you say to your ex "I need time to heal and get over this" and he's/she's respectful of this, then you know that they're genuinely interested in becoming friends with you because they respect you as a person and want to keep in touch. You will never be best buddies but there is nothing bad about keeping in touch with the person who didn't hurt you. However, if they hurt you (cheating etc) then it's a whole different story. Even though I've never stayed friends with my exes, I respect some of them and I would be there for them if they needed me. Why be bitter all your life? They were a part of your life once and you saw something good in them and thus, why hate them?! Past is past. Present is present.