I'm gonna go ahead & give her the divorce she so wants!!

[FeelingLonely98]

Current Status Update:

 

- on day 41 post my 47 yr. old stbxw dropping the bomb on me (which I NEVER saw coming) I came to the realization it is OVER.

- I have the D forms to complete to send in to the court to have them set up a court date. We decided no lawyers. She wants no alimony and nothing but her "belongings".

- I am packing all her sh*t. This part is very difficult.

- She is shopping for a 1 BR efficiency for her and her 18 yr old BF. Yes, pathetic as that sounds - she is 47 yrs. old and wants to live with a boy 29 years her junior.

(Someone care to explain to me why a little boy wants to be with a 47 yr. old average looking, about 30 lbs. overweight, middle aged woman?)

 

Now, I am 4 & 1/2 days into NC. When I have everything packed and the paperwork is ready, then what? Do I email her? I don't want to serve her. She has no money. I don't want to hurt her - though I shouldn't care, I know. But I want to get on with it. I want her to sign the papers and move her stuff out.

Also, she has one form that she needs to complete on her own and she says she will do it when she can. She is dragging her feet.

 

Any suggestions on what to do next? THANKS !!!!!!!!

[seibert253]

Email her and let her know you have her stuff packed and papers to sign. When can she come and get her things and sign the papers? Then leave it at that.

 

Her reply will let you know if she's dragging her feet.

 

I got to give you props though. Don't know if I would have been so nice. More along the line, "your sh$t's out in my yard, come and get it or it goes to the dump"

[FeelingLonely98]

Email her and let her know you have her stuff packed and papers to sign. When can she come and get her things and sign the papers? Then leave it at that. Her reply will let you know if she's dragging her feet.

 

Yeah, I'll probably do that ... an email AND a text - she sometimes doesn't read her emails for a week or more at a time. Something like "... I've finished packing all your things and they are boxed and ready in the garage. Also, the papers are ready. How soon can you come by to sign the papers and pick up your stuff..."

She will have to take it all to a storage warehouse because she will just have a 1 BR efficiency and currently is in Mom's apt. (not my problem though, right?)

 

I got to give you props though. Don't know if I would have been so nice. More along the line, "your sh$t's out in my yard, come and get it or it goes to the dump"

 

Sometimes I feel like doing that - I just want to be the bigger person in all of this. I hope one day when the regret sets in (when it is too late!!!) she will feel like a pile of cr*p - and remembering how I conducted myself thru this will contribute to this. Maybe she will grow up?!?!?!?

 

Thanks Seibert!

[KTMRider33]

Current Status Update:

 

- on day 41 post my 47 yr. old stbxw dropping the bomb on me (which I NEVER saw coming) I came to the realization it is OVER.

- She is shopping for a 1 BR efficiency for her and her 18 yr old BF. Yes, pathetic as that sounds - she is 47 yrs. old and wants to live with a boy 29 years her junior.

(Someone care to explain to me why a little boy wants to be with a 47 yr. old average looking, about 30 lbs. overweight, middle aged woman?)

 

 

Any suggestions on what to do next? THANKS !!!!!!!!

 

My attempt at an explanation, sounds like MID LIFE CRISIS......screams it in fact!!!!

I'd read up on it.....as much as you can.

As far as what to do next.......let her go, and spin in the wind!!!!

You know she's wrong, I know it, your friends and family know it, but she can't see out of the bubble.

It may take a long time for her to come back down to earth, but you can't wait for that to happen.

You need to just work on your self......eat, sleep, work, look after kids!!!!

Also detach, easier said than done, but the sooner you can get there the better.

[FredMerc]

Wow - That's not a bad idea. Thanks !!!

 

Actually, it is a very bad idea. You don't want that hassle and being that intertwined together. That is just a form of control, and you do not want to be the ex who is a control freak do you? And you will be the monster if you take her car from her and she cannot get to work and do anything for the kids like get groceries etc.

 

Trade the car for some other asset etc. Or just give it to her, like a decent person, since it sounds like she is letting you keep everything else... You want this to be final before the bloom falls off her romance...

Edited October 13, 2009 by FredMerc

[FeelingLonely98]

... sounds like MID LIFE RISIS......screams it in fact!!!! I'd read up on it.....as much as you can.

 

Abso - friggin - lutely ... MLC for sure. I couldn't get her out of it. I am over it now. She is sleeping with someone else while still my wife - well "F You!". She lied to me so much. NEVER once gave me any hope that we could try to fix it. A few weeks ago I would accepted her back to "try" and work on us. I think that is 100% out of my system now.

 

You need to just work on your self......eat, sleep, work, look after kids!!!! Also detach, easier said than done, but the sooner you can get there the better.

 

Doing that big time my friend. Working out. Gettin D papers ready. Packing up stbxw's "stuff. Redoing some of the house. My sisters'll help me "redecorate" the place in a new image!! Making more plans than ever to get out with my teenage boys. ETC. :-) THANKS!

On a socialization note I'm actually going out Saturday to a rock bar that usually has tons of great looking women. I'm not looking for a companion - just to have fun. Actually after 16 years of 1000% devotion and faithfulness to my stbxw, I am not sure I would even know how to "talk" to a woman I may have interest in.

 

The sleep part sucks though. I haven't slept more than 6 hours since Day 1. Usually 3-4 hrs. EVERY night. Last ten days or so average is 5-6 hours.

 

Thanks for the nice words KTM

[FeelingLonely98]

Trade the car for some other asset etc. Or just give it to her, like a decent person, since it sounds like she is letting you keep everything else... You want this to be final before the bloom falls off her romance...

 

Anyway, I am a little taken aback by your "like a decent person" comment. Not sure if you read my original post ... Here it goes VERY short:

46 days ago she dropped the ILY but I'm not in LWY line. Wants independence. She lied about seeing anybody on that Day. Less than a week later she was seen in public with OM. She is 47 the "OM" is 18!!!!! OMFG!!! Admitted it was a full blown A.

She is in the world's biggest MLC ever. She never contributed a whole lot to the 7 yr M. BUT I loved her 1000000% unconditionally. After Day1 of the bomb drop (of which I NEVER saw coming - was totally shocked) she never once agreed to really try and make it work. She has lied to me repeatedly throughout this. I have tried to the much bigger person. I lost 35 pounds in 6 weeks. Now I am on NC for 7 days and very LC for 3 weeks. Packing her stuff and getting D papers ready.

If after all of this that STBXW did to ME - if I would have to then be "decent" and pay off her $18,000 loan and let her keep her little car, WOW!! I have been nothing but decent thru this my friend. Giving her what she wants. She has pushed me into no longer feeling for her or the realtionship. There are no kids of hers to buy groceries for, unless you consider the OM (OB?) that she is screw*ng a "kid".

 

BUT, you do have a point FM, I probably don't want to be tied up in that for 5 years! It was an interesting post by the othe LS poster though.

[FredMerc]

It was just wording (poor perhaps), not a swipe. Just saying it is the decent thing to do... imo.

I know she did you wrong, but you will feel better in the long run if you do the right things.

My wife did pretty much the same thing, just not with a young kid. I gave her half and do not regret it at all. You don't want to get hung up on some small detail and have this romance with OM to fall apart because then her motivation for a quick end to it will be gone.

 

You had updated with this: "She basically she wants no alimony, no part of the house, and only wants her eblongings (clothes, personal effects, etc.) I said "OK" and inside I screamed "THANK YOU!"

So I do not think just giving her the car is a huge deal since you get everything else, but hey it is your call.

 

The whole I will make her pay me and provide me proof of insurance evey month idea reeks of control and humiliation. But hey..... again.... your and the other LS call.... Quite frankly when I read stuff like that I kind of understand why the woman left.

 

 

The sleep part sucks though. I haven't slept more than 6 hours since Day 1. Usually 3-4 hrs. EVERY night. Last ten days or so average is 5-6 hours.

 

 

 

I am taking Lunesta and it helps. I normally do not recommend drugs, but you need to get sleep. Although technically 6 hours is not bad, but if it drops to 3-4 get a doctors advice.

 

My dreams are finally starting to change after 3 months! She would be in my dreams the first few months. Nothing elaborate, but after being together 17 years she would be in my dreams with me just because she always was with me in real life, but now she is not in them and it helps. I know that sounds strange....

 

Good luck at the bar, and just relax. It should be ok.

I have not ventured out into the single world yet, but in time I suppose I will. Keep us updated.

Edited October 14, 2009 by FredMerc

[tojaz]

But hey..... again.... your and the other LS call.... Quite frankly when I read stuff like that I kind of understand why the woman left.

 

Completely uncalled for!

 

LS is a place of advice and support, and this is the Seperation and Divorce Forum, mostly made up of those left behind, people hurting from the loss of their marriage. If you want to poke bitter little jabs like that, I think we'd all appreciate it if you took it somewhere else.

TOJAZ

[FeelingLonely98]

The whole I will make her pay me and provide me proof of insurance evey month idea reeks of control and humiliation. But hey..... again.... your and the other LS call.... Quite frankly when I read stuff like that I kind of understand why the woman left.

 

I am taking Lunesta and it helps.

 

Keep us updated.

 

FM: Trust me - I thought it was an interesting thought about the car but I would NEVER do that. I am actually a very good decent guy and I would loved the stbxw and cared for forever unconditionally under normal circunstances (of which there would be ups and downs as in any normal M) - but I can't love her anymore after what she has done. I guess it was kind of quick - 6 weeks or so - but she has been so heartless and mean to me throughout this that she pushed everything out of my heart faster than most I suppose.

As far as I am concerned, when the D is final I wish her well, and the 47 yr old stbxw and the 18 yr old boy live happily ever after. Very unlikely. When she comes down to earth from her MLC, I am pretty sure she will come to me. I don't want to be like some LS posters have said - like they can't wait for that day to tell the XW to screw off. Not sure what I will do but I am sure it will be cordial.

 

Thanks for the advice ...

[FeelingLonely98]

Completely uncalled for!

 

LS is a place of advice and support, and this is the Seperation and Divorce Forum, mostly made up of those left behind, people hurting from the loss of their marriage. If you want to poke bitter little jabs like that, I think we'd all appreciate it if you took it somewhere else.

TOJAZ

 

Thanks tojaz ... Reading that really hurt me - I guess most LS folks are more like you.

 

PEACE!

[FredMerc]

Completely uncalled for!

 

LS is a place of advice and support, and this is the Seperation and Divorce Forum, mostly made up of those left behind, people hurting from the loss of their marriage. If you want to poke bitter little jabs like that, I think we'd all appreciate it if you took it somewhere else.

TOJAZ

 

Oh give it a rest and grow up! I did not like your little movie, deal with it. You don't need to follow me around and pretend outrage over comments.

 

I posted my opinion about a movie and was called "bitter", where was your claim of "we are here to support each other and rubber stamp everything any of us says no matter how wrong!" then.

 

You disagree with the assessment that making ones wife pay for the car and provide proof of insurance in person every month or they will come over and take it from her when she is giving up everything else is not controling and humiliating, than make it like an adult.. I am not here to validate revenge, humiliation and control freak urges. I am here to find some normal people who are going through the same issues and acting like reasonable responsible adults.

 

Ps way to strip all the context of the remark...

[trippi1432]

It was just wording (poor perhaps), not a swipe. Just saying it is the decent thing to do... imo.

I know she did you wrong, but you will feel better in the long run if you do the right things.

My wife did pretty much the same thing, just not with a young kid. I gave her half and do not regret it at all. You don't want to get hung up on some small detail and have this romance with OM to fall apart because then her motivation for a quick end to it will be gone.

 

You had updated with this: "She basically she wants no alimony, no part of the house, and only wants her eblongings (clothes, personal effects, etc.) I said "OK" and inside I screamed "THANK YOU!"

So I do not think just giving her the car is a huge deal since you get everything else, but hey it is your call.

 

The whole I will make her pay me and provide me proof of insurance evey month idea reeks of control and humiliation. But hey..... again.... your and the other LS call.... Quite frankly when I read stuff like that I kind of understand why the woman left.

 

FredMerc,

 

Marriage is not about control and humiliation and neither is divorce when two people are trying to untwine their hearts after years of doing things right or having things done wrong to them. I don't know your story, but and there are many sides to a story, but bashing LSser's is not a good thing on here. People are here to learn, share and heal....there are many horror stories where couples who split get left holding the bag and kills their credit...I think the case here is not about control and humiliation, but about protecting assets....especially these days with the divorce rate and recession being what it is. You may share your opinions, but keep it cordial, no one here is for bashing other people who are hurting.

 

Thank you,

 

Trippi

[FeelingLonely98]

Thanks Trippi!!

[FredMerc]

FredMerc,

 

Marriage is not about control and humiliation and neither is divorce when two people are trying to untwine their hearts after years of doing things right or having things done wrong to them. I don't know your story, but and there are many sides to a story, but bashing LSser's is not a good thing on here. People are here to learn, share and heal....there are many horror stories where couples who split get left holding the bag and kills their credit...I think the case here is not about control and humiliation, but about protecting assets....especially these days with the divorce rate and recession being what it is. You may share your opinions, but keep it cordial, no one here is for bashing other people who are hurting.

 

Thank you,

 

Trippi

 

 

Where did I bash someone?

Yes the proposal was about control and humiliation. A fact is a fact.

People do not heal by screwing over their ex's, no matter how tempting it may be. They heal by eventually finding forgiveness, and by knowing they did the right things even when they were wronged, and growing from the mistakes that they made in their marriage.

 

thank you.

Edited October 14, 2009 by FredMerc

[FeelingLonely98]

 

You disagree with the assessment that making ones wife pay for the car and provide proof of insurance in person every month or they will come over and take it from her when she is giving up everything else is not controling and humiliating, ...

 

OK - Everyone - I don't even remember who posted that suggestion - but I was NEVER going to do that, OK? I am probably being the nicest person to my STBXW than almost everyone else in my situation. I am doing EXACTLY what STBXW said she wants. Never said any mean hurtful things to her - just told her how I was so utterly extremely disappointed that she would not give us a chance even for 1 minute since the day she dropped the bomb. I felt like I wanted to die for about 4 weeks. This has been the most devestating, hurtful thing I have ever gone through - and I feel often that I will never feel whole again and I definitely feel that a big part of me is dead right now. My heart has been drained by her bitterness, meanness, and cruelty shown to me throughout this, so maybe I am seen as cold because after only 45 days I already feel like this (like it is over) - but BELIEVE me - I am being super cordial and nice throughout this. When STBXW looks back on me I don't want her to see a bitter ex-H, would rather her remember a confident ex-H who did things her way no matter how much it hurt. (Doesn't really hurt so much anymore.) The one source of comfort (other than family) has been this LS site. I don't even remember how I found it. (Gunny, Trippi,. Seibert, Tojaz, ETC.) Please remember FM (and all other LS posters) that your words can really cause a lot damage to some very fragile folks who need the opposite of that at this point oin their lives.

 

PEACE.

[tojaz]

Thanks tojaz ... Reading that really hurt me - I guess most LS folks are more like you.

 

PEACE!

 

Oh give it a rest and grow up! I did not like your little movie, deal with it. You don't need to follow me around and pretend outrage over comments.

 

I posted my opinion about a movie and was called "bitter", where was your claim of "we are here to support each other and rubber stamp everything any of us says no matter how wrong!" then.

 

You disagree with the assessment that making ones wife pay for the car and provide proof of insurance in person every month or they will come over and take it from her when she is giving up everything else is not controling and humiliating, than make it like an adult.. I am not here to validate revenge, humiliation and control freak urges. I am here to find some normal people who are going through the same issues and acting like reasonable responsible adults.

 

Ps way to strip all the context of the remark...

 

:rolleyes:

[trippi1432]

Where did I bash someone?

Yes the proposal was about control and humiliation. A fact is a fact.

People do not heal by screwing over their ex's, no matter how tempting it may be. They heal by eventually finding forgiveness, and by knowing they did the right things even when they were wronged, and growing from the mistakes that they made in their marriage.

 

thank you.

 

All in all Fred Merc, from what I have seen from your other threads, you are trying to find forgiveness yourself, perhaps you did this by giving everything to your wife and moved on with your life...that's good for you. My husband gave me a great proposal as well, he didn't put me first in his life but will learn to put the next person first in his life....nice. Your wife wanted everything in the world and you gave it to her....that's forgiveness? I'm not saying that every divorce needs to end in bickering and maybe you took the easy way out....but every person's situation is different and you might think of it differently if your wife had done something more than "want the world" and still not been satisfied.

[tojaz]

OK - Everyone - I don't even remember who posted that suggestion - but I was NEVER going to do that, OK? I am probably being the nicest person to my STBXW than almost everyone else in my situation. I am doing EXACTLY what STBXW said she wants. Never said any mean hurtful things to her - just told her how I was so utterly extremely disappointed that she would not give us a chance even for 1 minute since the day she dropped the bomb. I felt like I wanted to die for about 4 weeks. This has been the most devestating, hurtful thing I have ever gone through - and I feel often that I will never feel whole again and I definitely feel that a big part of me is dead right now. My heart has been drained by her bitterness, meanness, and cruelty shown to me throughout this, so maybe I am seen as cold because after only 45 days I already feel like this (like it is over) - but BELIEVE me - I am being super cordial and nice throughout this. When STBXW looks back on me I don't want her to see a bitter ex-H, would rather her remember a confident ex-H who did things her way no matter how much it hurt. (Doesn't really hurt so much anymore.) The one source of comfort (other than family) has been this LS site. I don't even remember how I found it. (Gunny, Trippi,. Seibert, Tojaz, ETC.) Please remember FM (and all other LS posters) that your words can really cause a lot damage to some very fragile folks who need the opposite of that at this point oin their lives.

 

PEACE.

 

Don't worry FL, the folks who take the time to actually read your thread know your trying to do it right. Considering how you'll look to the ex when she looks back is a good mindset to be in. Letting go with love is the hardest thing to do in all of this, but it's also the respectful thing to do. I say it a lot, but keep your integrity! Your doing that.

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Thanks Trippi!!

 

You're welcome, hang in there and keep your head up.

[FredMerc]

All in all Fred Merc, from what I have seen from your other threads, you are trying to find forgiveness yourself, perhaps you did this by giving everything to your wife and moved on with your life...that's good for you. My husband gave me a great proposal as well, he didn't put me first in his life but will learn to put the next person first in his life....nice. Your wife wanted everything in the world and you gave it to her....that's forgiveness? I'm not saying that every divorce needs to end in bickering and maybe you took the easy way out....but every person's situation is different and you might think of it differently if your wife had done something more than "want the world" and still not been satisfied.

 

Yes, I don’t want to walk around with a resentful, suspicious heart for the rest of my life. Someday I hope that I can find forgiveness. It is a work in progress.

 

We may all be here because we were the ones wronged, the ones left behind. The reasons our spouses give are all the boiler plate ones: I love you, but I am not in love with you etc.

We are all also flawed as well. None of us are perfect, and none of us were perfect in our marriage no matter what we tell ourselves or each other. If our morals had been less, our love diminished, our character more questionable than we might have been the ones who walked out or cheated. We are the ones who found reasons to try to make it work, to keep the love in our heart, to forgive or look past the flaws.

 

I gave my wife what was fair. She spent 17 years building a life with me and did some lousy things the last 2 years of the marriage. She was legally entitled to half. I gave her half. Would it have given me peace somehow to financially control her even after we are divorced? To have her ruined and watched her struggle penniless? Would I have savored the sweet taste of revenge? Doing the right thing is the easy way out? I love how I cannot point out that one of the suggestions of how to handle the property settlement in this case was a bad idea, and reeked of control and humiliation, but my opinion of a stupid movie or how I handled my settlement can be attacked.

 

Yes, I read every post. The wife wronged the man. She also is leaving everything to him. What is so wrong in pointing out that spiting her over the stupid car is not the right thing? It is an act that cheapens the perpetrator. It is a simple material possession, and one that he does not need and she does. But yes, if you want to control your spouse, make her pay every month and provide proof of insurance to you, if she doesn’t go over and take the damn car like a real man…. No one will think you have control issues....

 

Let’s all pat ourselves on the back now for being the perfect ones, while our ex’s are the bad ones….. You are right this is not the site for me. Good luck to you.

 

Ps I still think the movie sucked! (gasp!) He isn't one of us! Get the torches!

Edited October 14, 2009 by FredMerc

[tojaz]

Mind the door on your way out.

[Logik]

Whoa! It's just a difference of opinion. With forums, we sometimes read things in the wrong tone since written words have no tone, unless you're an awesome writer. Not everybody's an awesome writer and don't have an expert understanding of how to word things to create the tone they wanted to convey. Please don't try to chase anybody away, we need all opinions and help so we can choose which ones we want to use. I'm not taking any sides, but this looks like it started from one misunderstanding and escalated. Now that's where my marriage went wrong and I don't want to see the same problem at the place where I come to get help.

 

PS: Please don't read this comment in an angry tone. Rather a "calm and understanding of everybody's feelings" tone. Let's please be friends. We're all in the same boat, a life-boat, struggling to stay alive in the open waters and at times, some feelings will come out and be perceived in the wrong way.

[FeelingLonely98]

Whoa! It's just a difference of opinion. With forums, we sometimes read things in the wrong tone since written words have no tone, unless you're an awesome writer. Not everybody's an awesome writer and don't have an expert understanding of how to word things to create the tone they wanted to convey. Please don't try to chase anybody away, we need all opinions and help so we can choose which ones we want to use. I'm not taking any sides, but this looks like it started from one misunderstanding and escalated. Now that's where my marriage went wrong and I don't want to see the same problem at the place where I come to get help.

 

PS: Please don't read this comment in an angry tone. Rather a "calm and understanding of everybody's feelings" tone. Let's please be friends. We're all in the same boat, a life-boat, struggling to stay alive in the open waters and at times, some feelings will come out and be perceived in the wrong way.

 

Calm, cool, collected, and level-headed comment from Logik - - > THANKS! (I agree with you.)

[Auroracoladybug]

LOL thanks Tojaz...

 

Seriously FredMerc was being very bitter (though he really didn't like me saying that) about women because of his situation it seemed...no offense taken about his opinions but he seemed to want to point fingers...reading his last post above he even says he is resentful and has suspicious heart he is trying to get past...I respect all posts and give my opinion freely as well...sometimes I have to remind myself that we have only seen so little of each other here on a nickname and can put out that we are "perfect"...we all assume honesty and respect in trying to help

 

I think Logik is right that we don't want to push anyone away if they need us...FredMerc is welcome but I think he hasn't taken the time to get to know that we joke and discuss almost anything...I think we all would agree that we are not perfect...Even Gunny's signature says it.