I'm gonna go ahead & give her the divorce she so wants!!

[tojaz]

I agree with what Logik said as well, and had no intention to run anybody off. I could personaly care less about his bickering on my thread, only carried on because of the misinformation he was spreading to those who haven't seen the film. What he said to FL was completely uncalled for though, regardless of what tone it is read it (read that in an angry tone). To tell someone coping with divorce, on a divorce support forum no less, that he sees why his wife left is completely unacceptable. We don't need that kind of attitude with all the fragile hearts here.

 

That being said, i think we have taken up enough space on FL's thread here.

TOJAZ

[delajoonal]

seems to me like some LS members judged fredmerc simply because he DID NOT like the movie..HELLO...does he NOT have that right???

 

because most of us got something from the movie or liked it...does NOT mean that all LS members will like the movie, or a book or anything else we may suggest or post...

 

i am a little disspointed in how some have started being a little too clicky and judgementa l:(

 

come on you guys...this person is hurting...i mean its not like WE directed, wrote or starred in the dang movie...wtf do you have to lose just because ONE member didn't like IT???

 

WE ARE ALL HURTING HERE!

 

now HE is gone and look just how much he was hurting..people who lash out and say things like that are prolly in NEED OF LS more than ever...

 

THINK about it?

 

ack..!!

[tojaz]

I'm assuming thats directed at me Dela. Like I said above, I could care less if he liked the movie or not. Dosen't impact my life at all. I will be the first to mention that my words don't always come out right here, and misunderstandings happen. If I came off toward him as angry on my thread, then my apologies, because i wasn't, just wanted to get the facts of the film straight so others who haven't seen it would have all the facts.His arguments pertained to scenes that were not even in the film. My issue was with the sensless remark he made toward FL. If FredMerc is hurting, then we are all here to help him, just like anyother LS'er, but people just looking to spread their pain to others warrant the response he got and the juvenille reply he directed toward me just reinforces that. I don't have the power or even the desire to make anybody leave LS, but I don't mind the negativity being gone.

TOJAZ

[FeelingLonely98]

seems to me like some LS members judged fredmerc simply because he DID NOT like the movie..HELLO...does he NOT !!

 

What is all this about a movie? I thought he was bashing and attacking me?

[tojaz]

Fred was working many threads. Shes refering to my FireProof thread, he took my response to what he said to you as me retaliating for not liking the film.:rolleyes:

[trippi1432]

I too felt that Fred Merc has issues with women and pointed those out about the movie and I agree that he has some issues to work on and he should be coming here to ask for advice....but I didn't agree with him bashing FL98. We are all here because we are looking for acceptance, we are hurting, we are trying to find reasoning and understanding....we want other's advice to our cries for help, not a nasty opinion or comment.

 

I try not to formulate an opinion about someone until I read their threads....you can't be that way unless you know the details and have walked a mile in their shoes. What Fred Merc took from the movie is his own issue that he needs to work out, but bashing FL98 was really uncalled for....he doesn't deserve that. What we are looking for here is empathy and understanding.

[FeelingLonely98]

Thanks tojaz and trippi ...

I saw the movie Fireproof. I decided NOT to ask my stbxw to see it with me after I saw it.

After she dropped the bomb on me she left the house 18 days later. She would have left immediately because the 18 yr old OM was already there waiting ... Just that she had no job and no money and no where to go (didn't want to tell her Mom). She had already "checked out" on bomb drop day - albeit she checked out in about a month's time!! (Just a month earlier we were having some good fun family and personal times - the same as for the last 16 yrs.)

On bomb drop day she then rewrote our history to justify her actions - you know the usual, "I haven't been happy for years", "I haven't been in love for years", ... Now, we all know that ALL 16 year relationships have parts they are not happy with - I personally think we had much less than most. Just that in stbxw's case ALL the stars were in line for her to jump into a HUGE MLC - unemployed for 5 months (and consequently bored every day!), her Father just passed away (for which I paid for all funeral expenses), ETC> (I could go on).

Anyway, I thought if she had some interest in making the M work that movie might have worked but not in our case. I think it is probably helpful in troubled Ms where both parties would like to work out.

[FeelingLonely98]

OK - Now I'm in a different place (I think).

STBXW will pick up ALL her stuff in a few days and take it to a storage house.

I have been sleeping all over the bed - not just on "my side". Enjoying the house not needing straightening up or cleaning so much. The frig is much neater and cleaner now.

My sisters will come over a few weeks after I finish cleaning and painting and help me do a BIG redecoration of the place. turn it into something NEW!!! ;-)

 

In short I am doing the best I can on the 51st Day to move forward ...

Still SAD though!! I would do anything to go back a few months and have my old life back BUT with the new me and my W committed to our M.

 

Am I all over the place?

[tojaz]

Not anymore then the rest of us. I'm on day 201 if you want to count and I still feel for her, miss her and want her back. I still have hope for the future, although it is little more then a small ember where a roaring blaze once stood, it still burns despite her best attempts to douse it. It's a long road FL, and healing is going to take time. How long? I'll let you know when I get there.

TOJAZ

[Chrome Barracuda]

I'm a guy and It's weird that I say this but redecorating is fun. My favorite part is upgrading my room with home theater equipment. My stuff is off the hook.

 

I've always wanted to paint my place, like blood red. I mean I'm tired of plain white.

[FeelingLonely98]

I'm a guy and It's weird that I say this but redecorating is fun. My favorite part is upgrading my room with home theater equipment. My stuff is off the hook.

 

I've always wanted to paint my place, like blood red. I mean I'm tired of plain white.

 

Me too CB --> No more freaking white walls anymore!!!!!!!!

[FeelingLonely98]

I'm actually nervous out of mind. In 24 hours the STBXW is supposed to come to the house to get her 40 boxes of stuff and a few tables and other odds and ends that didn't make it into boxes.

 

I feel like I need to talk to her about something ... Not like a pleading or begging ... ABSOLUTELY not that ... Just sort of about her and why she did this and is she happy and does she miss us ... (I DON't KNOW!!!!!!!) *@#**&!!@* <-- sorry 'bout that.

 

Help? Any advice???

... I am definitley prepped for moving on without her. (She moved out 34 days ago.) Just sort of wish I could roll the clock back and "fix" this. Impossible - I know.

[Logik]

I'm actually nervous out of mind. In 24 hours the STBXW is supposed to come to the house to get her 40 boxes of stuff and a few tables and other odds and ends that didn't make it into boxes.

 

I feel like I need to talk to her about something ... Not like a pleading or begging ... ABSOLUTELY not that ... Just sort of about her and why she did this and is she happy and does she miss us ... (I DON't KNOW!!!!!!!) *@#**&!!@* <-- sorry 'bout that.

 

Help? Any advice???

... I am definitley prepped for moving on without her. (She moved out 34 days ago.) Just sort of wish I could roll the clock back and "fix" this. Impossible - I know.

 

Don't do it. You know you shouldn't. If you do, you'll regret it.

[JaneDoe35]

Don't do it FL, please dont 'talk' to her.

 

Do you even have to be there?

 

If you have to be there, could you be doing something else? Like watching the comedy channel? Cooking a lovely meal for yourself? Decorating? Mowing the lawn?

 

Anything that prevents you from asking her anything.....

 

Good luck......I know it is easier said than done.

[GorillaTheater]

Don't do it FL, please dont 'talk' to her.

 

Do you even have to be there?

 

If you have to be there, could you be doing something else? Like watching the comedy channel? Cooking a lovely meal for yourself? Decorating? Mowing the lawn?

 

Anything that prevents you from asking her anything.....

 

Good luck......I know it is easier said than done.

 

I think redecorating is a great idea. Keeps you busy, and sends a subtle message that you're making the best of the situation instead of wallowing in grief.

[FeelingLonely98]

Thanks for the words of advice guys. I need to "help" her because she is coming alone in a van that she is renting. She is 47 and can't really lift the boxes. Her 20 yr old son and I will load the van. Then she and her son will go alone to the storage place. My 47 yr. old STBXW better not bring her 18 yr old BF.

 

What should I do if she does bring him?? ADVICE???

 

I'll do my best to have any conversations be business-like.

 

She will already see lots of improvements in the house - deep cleaning, some purchases, painting, ... Will definitely let her know that there is life after her.

 

Thanks again my LS friends...

[JaneDoe35]

Ok if he arrives to help with the loading of the truck.

 

I would say 'That's great 'wife' that you thought to hire a boy to help'

 

Then I would go back inside, get myself a cold beer (cocktail if it was me) and sit there and watch them while giving the occasional direction...

 

Maybe I am joking about this, but I am not sure!!!

[FeelingLonely98]

Ok if he arrives to help with the loading of the truck.

 

I would say 'That's great 'wife' that you thought to hire a boy to help'

 

Then I would go back inside, get myself a cold beer (cocktail if it was me) and sit there and watch them while giving the occasional direction...

 

Maybe I am joking about this, but I am not sure!!!

 

Not bad JD. Maybe I will do something like that. Probably not though.

I'll let you all know how it goes. :confused::confused:

[FeelingLonely98]

OK, OK - What do you all think of this?

 

My STBXW has always said her high school years (& the few years after) were hell because of her Mother. Her Mom always her feel like cr*p for even having friends. When she was 18-19 or so she said if she went out with some girlfriends or on a date then her Mother would not talk to her for days or weeks. Her Mom only wanted her for herself and did not want my STBXW to be happy. When my STBXW married her ex-H in her early 20's her Mother and Father did not even attend her wedding because they didn't approve. Even now (today!) during my STBXW's current MLC her Mom is making my STBXW feel horrible and giving her no support. Now I'm sure her Mom thinks that my STBXW is making the biggest mistake of her life - but she should support her daughter, huh? Instead her Mom says she would rather die than live while her daughter is doing this. Anyway - I think my STBXW - in some ways is trying to relive her teenage years now in her MLC by running away from a good M for a full blown A an 18 yr old boy. I really think she feels like she is a teenager now with this OM who is horny 25 hours a day (like all 18 yr old boys).

 

Thoughts, ...

[Zaragon]

OK, OK - What do you all think of this?

 

My STBXW has always said her high school years (& the few years after) were hell because of her Mother. Her Mom always her feel like cr*p for even having friends. When she was 18-19 or so she said if she went out with some girlfriends or on a date then her Mother would not talk to her for days or weeks. Her Mom only wanted her for herself and did not want my STBXW to be happy. When my STBXW married her ex-H in her early 20's her Mother and Father did not even attend her wedding because they didn't approve. Even now (today!) during my STBXW's current MLC her Mom is making my STBXW feel horrible and giving her no support. Now I'm sure her Mom thinks that my STBXW is making the biggest mistake of her life - but she should support her daughter, huh? Instead her Mom says she would rather die than live while her daughter is doing this. Anyway - I think my STBXW - in some ways is trying to relive her teenage years now in her MLC by running away from a good M for a full blown A an 18 yr old boy. I really think she feels like she is a teenager now with this OM who is horny 25 hours a day (like all 18 yr old boys).

 

Thoughts, ...

 

Thoughts are simple. She cheated on you and even if you had erectile dysfunction it's not an excuse. She's not the age to be horny all day every day either. It's the excitement factor like you mentioned a young buck is chasing her. Just stop trying to think about reasons to her behavior. Its just more pain at this point. You can never help understand or justify someones actions in these cases. Free yourself.

 

ps: to relive teenage years you role-play with your husband as a naughty schoolgirl

[FeelingLonely98]

Thoughts are simple. She cheated on you and even if you had erectile dysfunction it's not an excuse. She's not the age to be horny all day every day either. It's the excitement factor like you mentioned a young buck is chasing her. Just stop trying to think about reasons to her behavior. Its just more pain at this point. You can never help understand or justify someones actions in these cases. Free yourself.

 

ps: to relive teenage years you role-play with your husband as a naughty schoolgirl

 

Thanks Z - you're probably right.

 

I just feel certain that the STBXW will come back to me when the fling is over. I am also almost certain I will tell her that it is too late and I wouldn't be able trust her anymore. Now it is me that feels like I love her but I'm not in love anymore. She would have to do a lot of convincing and it would have to be on my terms.

 

BTW - By this time next week we will all have signed notarized D papers submitted to the court awaiting the date to go before the judge. No alimony. She only wants her personal "stuff". She will take all of her debts.

[Angel1111]

OK, OK - What do you all think of this?

 

My STBXW has always said her high school years (& the few years after) were hell because of her Mother. Her Mom always her feel like cr*p for even having friends. When she was 18-19 or so she said if she went out with some girlfriends or on a date then her Mother would not talk to her for days or weeks. Her Mom only wanted her for herself and did not want my STBXW to be happy. When my STBXW married her ex-H in her early 20's her Mother and Father did not even attend her wedding because they didn't approve. Even now (today!) during my STBXW's current MLC her Mom is making my STBXW feel horrible and giving her no support. Now I'm sure her Mom thinks that my STBXW is making the biggest mistake of her life - but she should support her daughter, huh? Instead her Mom says she would rather die than live while her daughter is doing this. Anyway - I think my STBXW - in some ways is trying to relive her teenage years now in her MLC by running away from a good M for a full blown A an 18 yr old boy. I really think she feels like she is a teenager now with this OM who is horny 25 hours a day (like all 18 yr old boys).

 

Thoughts, ...

 

For the life of me, I cannot imagine why a woman your ex's age would want to be with a guy so young. The very idea just turns my stomach. However, what you say above has merit. I do believe she feels like she missed something and is trying to re-live something that was lost to her. Her mother sounds like she doesn't understand her boundaries and she shouldn't be acting like this with her daugther. I do think that this is playing with your wife's emotions.

 

On another note, your ex may not be aware of it but when she gets to retirement age, not only can she get her social security, but she will also be entitled to YOUR social security. It's the law that a woman who was married to a man for ten years or more can draw on his social security. This will not affect you in any way but it does benefit her. Not sure if you want to spill this information to her or not but if she struggles with money, it might be a good thing for her to know.

 

You're handling this all pretty well - I would've been completely blindsided by what your ex has done. I know you'd like for things to go back to the way they were but they just never will. Even if she saw the light and realized what she's done with her life, how could you ever trust her? I mean, every time a teenage boy walked by, you'd wonder if she was lusting after him. It's a shame she's so messed up but I just don't see how the damage could ever be undone. So sad.

 

And, hey, I haven't had white walls in my home since the day I moved out of my parents house. Paint is awesome. I've even painted walls when I lived in an apartment - they just paint over it and it's no big deal. In my house now, I have taupe walls in my living room, coffee-colored walls in my kitchen, and gorgeous fabric on all of my bedroom walls. People underestimate the power of paint and fabric. Both of those things can transform a home and give it a warm and lush feel at a low cost.

Edited October 23, 2009 by Angel1111

[FeelingLonely98]

For the life of me, I cannot imagine why a woman your ex's age would want to be with a guy so young.

 

Her mother sounds like she doesn't understand her boundaries and she shouldn't be acting like this with her daugther. I do think that this is playing with your wife's emotions.

 

The only thing her new 18 yr old BF could give her that I can't is a more "functional member" - if you know what I mean. I am mid-40s you know and it doesn't always work like it did 30 yrs. ago. However, it was good enough for her and if it wasn't I would have gladly and without shame seen a Dr. I mean if she was with a 28 yr old guy at her age of 47 - doesn't that sound a 1000 times more understandable?

 

Her Mom has been bitter her whole life, is not educated (grade school only), and consistently makes my STBXW feel inadequate. Though her Mom did like me.

 

It's the law that a woman who was married to a man for ten years or more can draw on his social security.

 

We have been married 7+ years. I guess I am ok???

 

I would've been completely blindsided by what your ex has done.

 

how could you ever trust her? I mean, every time a teenage boy walked by, you'd wonder if she was lusting after him. It's a shame she's so messed up but I just don't see how the damage could ever be undone. So Sad.

 

I was EXTREMELY blindsided - I had no f*ck*ng idea. i lost 30 lbs. in 30 days Angel. I feel and look great now. Maintaining at the -30 new wight.

 

I'm not sure how I would/could trust her. i'm not even hoping or expecting her to come back now.

 

eople underestimate the power of paint and fabric. Both of those things can transform a home and give it a warm and lush feel at a low cost.

 

I'm continuing the painting and transformation of MY house. I mentioned in another post that my Sister's will come over after painting is done and help me redecorath the whole house. CAN't WAIT!!!!!!

 

THANKS ANGEL!!

Take Care, ... FL98

 

PEACE!

[Dexter Morgan]

Feelinglonley98......it sucks, it definitely sucks. you have to share the marital debt and the assets. no way around that really unless she voluntarily gives it up.

 

just hire the best bulldog divorce attorney you can find.

 

here is the kicker, the huss cheats, and gets to f##k you over again by taking half of the assets. and unfortunately, cheating doesn't come into play in court...it should, but it doesn't.

 

as far as her and running around with her 19yo....don't worry, that will come back to bite her. I'm assuming you are both around or close to your 40's. that being the case, she isn't gonna look as good much longer, and he will still be relatively young. He'll be cheating on her or dump her later when the looks start to go south for someone much more attractive.

 

sooner or later, she'll get whats coming to her, don't worry. 2 women I know of, and one guy, in my town that are older than their affair partners eventually ended up being cheated on. payback's a b!tch, and so is she:)

 

Just get out of this marriage to a witch and start living life. Trust me, once you get back on your feet after the divorce is over, LIFE IS GOOD!!! and sooner or later, it won't be so good for her:cool:

[Dexter Morgan]

Also, can I get her to re-fi the car by herself or someway remove my name from the car loan documents? I foresee her defaulting on the car loan and I don't want to be stuck her piece of cr*p car.

 

yes you can.

 

my x wanted the new car. She wanted me to pay for it. my attorney in negotiations said, "don't think so, aint gonna happen". She had to refinance the car to get my name off of it.

 

and don't agree to refinance the house to get her name off if she wants 1/2 the equity in it. only agree if she signs a quit claim deed. and even then, since closing costs aren't cheap, have your attorney get her in for half the closing costs.....IF she wants her name off. I was granted that.