I'm gonna go ahead & give her the divorce she so wants!!

[trippi1432]

OMG!! Too funny....revenge is best served cold???? Wow!!

[2.50 a gallon]

FL98

 

You doing great with NC.

 

What ever happened to the cats?

 

I don't understand why the STBXW son is putting up with that kind of BS. Patience

 

GT: Perhaps this will cheer you up, I followed your advice many years ago. Not the mom, but an associate OM's wife. Neighbor. No video, but OM did listen through the shared wall. He figured it out when I helped her move her things.

 

Don't get mad, get even

[tojaz]

You know, I'm in a pretty bad mood right now, so you might want to take what I have to say with a grain of salt:

 

I'd f*ck the OM's mom. Hard. Furiously and repeatedly. And send the two of them the video evidence.

 

That made me feel better for some reason.

 

LOL!!!

[trippi1432]

LOL!!!

 

OMG!!! Sick and hilarious!!! LMAO!!!

[FeelingLonely98]

TY. Tojaz, YOU made me laugh out loud. On a Sat. night sitting home alone.

TY. TY. TY. That was too f...ing hilarious.

[tojaz]

TY. Tojaz, YOU made me laugh out loud. On a Sat. night sitting home alone.

TY. TY. TY. That was too f...ing hilarious.

 

Glad I could get a laugh out of you man, you needed one.

TOJAZ

[FeelingLonely98]

FL98 You doing great with NC.

 

Thanks. It's hard though. Day 13 and ZERO contact ... Weird.

I wonder if it will hit her or she'll wonder WTF is going on?

I heard the court hearing paper should arrive in Dec. OMG ... It's almost here.

 

What ever happened to the cats

 

I decided about 6 weeks to be nice and keep them. I could have been a bastard and made her take them or board them in a shelter. I'm not like that. She left a very good M and a nice good decent H who wouldn't do something that hurtful even after all the hurt she has inflicted upon me. Why(?) - because I loved her unconditionally. I still care about her and that would just be mean of me. I won't love her unconditionally while she is f*cking an AP though.

Funny, now the cats lay on my lap when I watch TV - They never did this before for 6 years, always on "Mom's" lap. And they will jump in the bed with me too! I don't really like a cat in my bed, but I feel bad for them - I really think they miss their "Mom".

 

I don't understand why the STBXW son is putting up with that kind of BS. Patience

 

I think the STBXW's son is doing the right thing. The STBXW is REALLY in a fog now, she has transformed into a different person. She is almost in seclusion and won't go around to the family (her side) anymore. She doesn't care because she is "in love" now with the child. (UGH)

The 18 yr old BF has shown himself to be a real piece of trash (I mean sh*t). He has told off my STBXW's Mother. And other things as well. Don't know if you read my thread where he sent ME a threatening text. ANyway, my step-son and I both agree he SHOULD move into the new apt. with her - to "watch" over her. He is 20 and is more mature than the 18 yr old BF & his 47 yr old Mom combined.

I've heard she has nowhere to go on Thanksgiving. (Can't come to my place.) I know her cousins and family would like ME to come by in the evening and visit for a short while. Our household Thanksgiving dinner is more of a mid afternoon meal (about 2:30 or so). Her family's is always around 8:00 - 9:00 or so. I'll more than likely be alone that evening. Not sure what to do.

 

Thanks for asking Gallon!

 

 

PEACE!

[FeelingLonely98]

I am expecting the "Notice of Hearing" for the D this week or next.

I'm Curious as to what you all think of this?

I am on day 24 of NC now. When it arrives I was thinking of an email or text to ask her if she got to make sure she will be at the courthouse that day. Should I just go to the courthouse assuming she got it and understands that she HAS to be there?

Would you suggest any contact here?

[HarmonyHope]

I am expecting the "Notice of Hearing" for the D this week or next.

I'm Curious as to what you all think of this?

I am on day 24 of NC now. When it arrives I was thinking of an email or text to ask her if she got to make sure she will be at the courthouse that day. Should I just go to the courthouse assuming she got it and understands that she HAS to be there?

Would you suggest any contact here?

 

Nope. She's a big girl. Let her take responsibility for her life and showing up. I know you miss her, and this sorta sounds like a flimsy excuse to call her. She'll see right through that. Please don't give her the satisfaction.

[FeelingLonely98]

Nope. She's a big girl. Let her take responsibility for her life and showing up. I know you miss her, and this sorta sounds like a flimsy excuse to call her. She'll see right through that. Please don't give her the satisfaction.

 

OK HH, I was thinking that was the best approach myself...

[Angel1111]

I am expecting the "Notice of Hearing" for the D this week or next.

I'm Curious as to what you all think of this?

I am on day 24 of NC now. When it arrives I was thinking of an email or text to ask her if she got to make sure she will be at the courthouse that day. Should I just go to the courthouse assuming she got it and understands that she HAS to be there?

Would you suggest any contact here?

 

Actually, I think if the divorce is uncontested she doesn't even have to show up. That's her call. I agree with the other poster - there's no reason for you to notify her and make sure she knows about it. Someone in the legal system will make sure she knows.

[FeelingLonely98]

Actually, I think if the divorce is uncontested she doesn't even have to show up. That's her call. I agree with the other poster - there's no reason for you to notify her and make sure she knows about it. Someone in the legal system will make sure she knows.

 

In our state (Fla.) if it is uncontested (i.e., no lawyers) both parties MUST show up in court or there is np hearing.

[HarmonyHope]

If she wants the divorce as badly as she claims she does, she'll show up. Are you perhaps hoping she won't show up and try to stall things?

[FeelingLonely98]

If she wants the divorce as badly as she claims she does, she'll show up. Are you perhaps hoping she won't show up and try to stall things?

 

No, I want the D 100%. Not because I despise her now. I still love her and wish she would come home today and begin reconciliation discussions.

 

Don't know if you remember my story. She wants NOTHING out of this D. No alimony. I get the house. I got all the assets. She gets all her debts. She gets her personal belongings. and the cats! :-(

 

Anyway, I want the D now to protect myself and my sons. A reconciliation if it were ever to happen is independent of whether or not you are still married.

 

However, there is no reconciliation in my future. She is deep into her fog and not stepping out soon and opening her eyes. PLUS, I am not going to be willing to be here for her much longer. You know when she walked out on 9/15 I somberly told her something like she and I both know that the A with 18 yr old can not last and I will be here for you when it ends. At the time I meant it. No longer. I think she may think in the back of her mind I will be. You know she is so stubborn that I think she would try to keep it together with the 18 yr old as long as possible even when she gets to the point where she realizes there is no basis for a meaningful relationship. Just to prove everyone wrong.

[HarmonyHope]

Yes, but I thought she told you at some point that she wanted the divorce. I know that you were the one that initiated it, and I don't blame you. i think that was the right move for you.

[FeelingLonely98]

Yes, but I thought she told you at some point that she wanted the divorce. I know that you were the one that initiated it, and I don't blame you. i think that was the right move for you.

 

On d-day she said ILYBINILWY AND "I want a divorce".

Then about 6 weeks later I started the paperwork. It appeared she was not going to leave the 18 yr old boy and come home and try to fix her M. So I initiated it. She told her son, who in turn told me, something like "What is the rush? Why is he rushing this"? Not sure how that is to be interpreted, ...

 

3 reasons I "rushed" it:

1) She wanted it.

2) I wanted to protect myself and my sons.

3) She is f*ck*ng a little boy and I don't want to be married to someone who is commiting adultery. She treated our 16 yrs like it was 16 minutes. She humiliated me. She never gave the M one chance. She just ran like a selfish coward.

[HarmonyHope]

She told her son, who in turn told me, something like "What is the rush? Why is he rushing this"? Not sure how that is to be interpreted, ...

 

Interesting. My guess is that it makes her uncomfortable not to have total control anymore - which is what she had when you said you'd be waiting for her. She's probably toying with the idea of coming back, which is all the more reason that you have to stick to your guns and not give her any reason to believe that you are ok being plan B.

 

3 reasons I "rushed" it:

1) She wanted it.

2) I wanted to protect myself and my sons.

3) She is f*ck*ng a little boy and I don't want to be married to someone who is commiting adultery. She treated our 16 yrs like it was 16 minutes. She humiliated me. She never gave the M one chance. She just ran like a selfish coward.

 

I don't blame you one bit. She needs to know that there are consequences to her actions, she can't have it both ways, and you aren't going to wait for her to crash and burn with her high-schooler.

[FeelingLonely98]

Interesting. My guess is that it makes her uncomfortable not to have total control anymore - which is what she had when you said you'd be waiting for her. She's probably toying with the idea of coming back, which is all the more reason that you have to stick to your guns and not give her any reason to believe that you are ok being plan B.

 

 

 

I don't blame you one bit. She needs to know that there are consequences to her actions, she can't have it both ways, and you aren't going to wait for her to crash and burn with her high-schooler.

 

Well, she told her son recently that she doesn't not consider me on the back burner as a back-up plan. That if it doesn't work out with the HS boy that she will still go live alone in the apt. I am not sure I believe that.

She can not after working for two months get together enough money to move in to an apt. Supposed to be this week - now probably Jan. at the earliest.

 

I heard from her son that the HS boy has nowhere to stay and is sleeping in a warehouse now. He is dying for his sugar Mama to get her place, huh? So he can his bed. And someone to feed him.

He is an illiterate recent Cuban refugee that doesn't speak English. A lwayer friend of mine from my church told me that he works with probate law with property in Cuba and he knows of many cases whereby these recent refugees "hook up" with older ladies with an agenda. I would not doubt if this case is similar. Maybe he does like her or care for her (she is a charmer!) - maybe even "loves" her. (I know he loves banging her!!)

Anyway, she is in for a rude awakening if this is the case, huh?

[hopesndreams]

Are you ok with her having nothing but her personal belongings and her cats after the D? Good lord, she will have no one and be on her own soon enough. This twat will not stick around for her. Has she ever had a head injury? Or is that what midlife crisis is all about? Being completely brainless?

 

She is in deep trouble. I do understand why you still care and still love her. It's out of your hands now though and you must continue on with D and do find a way, some way to continue life without her because there is no doubt in my mind, she will be back and you will only go through another trauma similar if you take her back. She is messed up, big time. Perhaps she is worth it to you to live the rest of your life suffering. It's your choice. She has been so cruel to you but you can't let go of who she once was. I get that. I do. The best choice, for you, is to keep an eye out for her but live your life for you, not her.

[FeelingLonely98]

Are you ok with her having nothing but her personal belongings and her cats after the D? Good lord, she will have no one and be on her own soon enough.

OK? Not really. But she chose this 100%. She said something like "I want nothing but my personal belongings, my cats, and the cross on the wall that my Mother gave me." I am not even sure she will be on her own soon enough. She can not seem to get the cash together to move into her apt. I am afraid her son may have to quit college to support Mommy. So sad ...

 

She is in deep trouble. I do understand why you still care and still love her. It's out of your hands now though and you must continue on with D and do find a way, some way to continue life without her because there is no doubt in my mind, she will be back & you will only go through another trauma similar if you take her back.

IF I took her back there would not be a similar trauma. I would insist on regular IC for her and a trip to the Dr. to test her mental instability. I really think she is imbalanced and may need meds. And she would have to communicate with me regularly. And if she won't do these things then no deal. No taking her back.

 

Perhaps she's worth it to you to live the rest of your life suffering. It's your choice. She has been so cruel to you but you can't let go of who she once was. I get that. I do.

Yes, she was once a fun, energetic, loving, happy, sexy, giving W. No more. I spent a good deal of my 16 years of life with her suffering - she's always had lots of baggage.

 

The best choice, for you, is to keep an eye out for her but live your life for you, not her.

How can I do this. i.e., keep an eye out for her?

I plan to have NC with her ever again. I don't want to revisit painful memories. How would I know how she is doing? Through her son? What would I do if in 3 months I found out she got laid off and thrown out of her new apt.? Or abused by her new BF? Or went into the hospital? ETC.

She wanted me out of her life, eh? I am soon ready to give her that. I feel sad saying this but she wants no part of me. She has made herself out to be the victim and I am the bad guy.

Edited December 5, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[FeelingLonely98]

UPDATE: STBXW is really feeling it. Her son talked to me today. He's worried. She still is adamant she does not want to try to reconcile - she KNOWS she will never fall in love with me again. (She knows ... !!) He brings this up to her himself - I am not asking him to talk to her about it.

Anyway, he was very emotional. His Mom had a bad argument with her Mom. His Mom also had a big argument with the HS bf. (Funny, in 16 yrs I had one real argument with her - and it was definitley NOT dramatic, no yelling, no violence, etc.) She doesn't have enough money to get her apt. and is trying to find a 2nd job to moonlight. He thinks she may do something drastic. (I know - she is way beyond drastic already, eh?) He told me she said she is thinking of running off to another state where no one can find her and starting her life over. He almost cried and hugged me for like a minute. I'm worried too - but there is nothing I can do. She will not come home to try to fix her problems and then fix us.

I just told her son that she is very troubled now and there is nothing I can do. That he needs to help her now more than ever. Be there for her as much as ever. That she is probably going to fall much farther than she already has.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hopesndreams --> If you could comment on my question to you:

How can I do this. i.e., keep an eye out for her?

 

Posted by hopesndreams:

The best choice, for you, is to keep an eye out for her but live your life for you, not her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Do my LS friends think I should break my 27 days of NC to see if I can help her???? Let her keep falling?

Please advise. Who knows what the right answer is ... ??? HELP!

Edited December 5, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[hopesndreams]

I broke NC with my ex the other day. He left me for a 28 year old MW with a 4 year old son. His emails to me were always full of regrets, misses me, etc. The emails he sends are on my other threads. He had me convinced a few times we could get back together but when things didn't work out by end of July, as he had promised, I stopped seeing him and wouldn't take his calls.

 

I think he's mentally ill. So, I've decided to answer his emails now and again so he could feel better. I'm not feeling any worse than I did before because of it, but there is no chance of getting back together now and of that I truly do believe, therefore, helping him deal with his guilt, shame, regrets etc, is now ok with me. I am quite further along than you though. The NC I did do though, helped me so much on getting over him. I will not go so far as seeing him face to face or hearing his voice though, just replies to his sad emails. That is how I am keeping an eye out for him. I don't want him to do anything stupid.

[FeelingLonely98]

I broke NC with my ex the other day. He left me for a 28 year old MW with a 4 year old son. His emails to me were always full of regrets, misses me, etc. The emails he sends are on my other threads. He had me convinced a few times we could get back together but when things didn't work out by end of July, as he had promised, I stopped seeing him and wouldn't take his calls.

 

I think he's mentally ill. So, I've decided to answer his emails now and again so he could feel better. I'm not feeling any worse than I did before because of it, but there is no chance of getting back together now and of that I truly do believe, therefore, helping him deal with his guilt, shame, regrets etc, is now ok with me. I am quite further along than you though. The NC I did do though, helped me so much on getting over him. I will not go so far as seeing him face to face or hearing his voice though, just replies to his sad emails. That is how I am keeping an eye out for him. I don't want him to do anything stupid.

 

TY hnd. TY. OK - So I am interpreting that you think it MAY be advisable to contact her in some way to see if I can "help" her.

[hopesndreams]

It depends on how strong you are. Can you help her knowing that helping her will not get her back? Who does she have in her life to count on? Has all her family turned her back on her? I think when you are far enough along and know with certainty she is gone and won't get back with you and that you wouldn't want her back anyway, then you would be strong enough to help her. It's inevitable her life will soon be a misery, of her own creation, and she is going to need picked up. Don't do it out of guilt or wanting her back to how she used to be because that is just not possible. You are not to blame for this.

 

Whether you will be there to help her pick up the pieces or whether you cut her out of your life completely and let her family deal with her, is up to you.

 

In my case, I chose to be who I am. Still the caring, generous, unselfish idiot and even though I have been treated like garbage and made to feel worthless by his actions, I can now rise above it, hold my head up, be proud of who and what I am. He didn't steal me as a person, what makes me, me. Will I help a fellow human being when they cry out for help? Absolutely. Is there an ulterior motive for doing so? No, but at one time, not that long ago, the answer would have been yes.

[Angel1111]

He almost cried and hugged me for like a minute. I'm worried too - but there is nothing I can do. She will not come home to try to fix her problems and then fix us.

I just told her son that she is very troubled now and there is nothing I can do. That he needs to help her now more than ever. Be there for her as much as ever. That she is probably going to fall much farther than she already has.

 

Do my LS friends think I should break my 27 days of NC to see if I can help her???? Let her keep falling?

Please advise. Who knows what the right answer is ... ??? HELP!

 

Personally, I don't think it's her son's job to be there for her. That sounds like he would be doing a lot of coddling of someone who needs to learn some hard lessons. If I abandoned my son in the way that she has abandoned hers, he would be knocked off his butt and most likely wouldn't be real understanding about it (nor would I expect him to be). For her son to 'be there' for her, implies sucking it up while his mother muddles through her dumb choices. Kids should never have to raise parents, and they should never be understanding about being deserted. Her son needs to feel what he's going to feel - and let his mother figure it out. If she never experiences the fall-out (aka consequences) from her stupid behavior, then it'll never change.

 

In your case, it would be wise for you to stop trying to rescue this woman. I agree with the other poster who said that each of your posts are getting more and more angry. Your inability to come to terms with HER CHOICE may be one of the reasons she's not there - because she doesn't want to be told what's right or wrong, she isn't interested in what's sensible, she doesn't want more judgement about what she's doing, she doesn't want to be saved, and she doesn't want a perfect marriage. I know it hurts and I know the pain sometimes feels intolerable. But sometimes, love means letting go.