nicegirl Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 My situation is kinda complicated, but I'd appreciate any advice. My boyfriend of over a year is still best friends with his ex, whom he dated for 3 years. She now lives across the country, but they usually talk on the phone frequently. He has told me he loves her as a friend only. About 3 months into our relationship, when it was still very new, he visited her and they slept together. He told me about it, we broke up for a bit, but then got back together without really defining the relationship. A few months after that he visited her again and again slept with her. He told me about it that time too. The next time he spent time with her, a few months later, he did not sleep with her. He told me he didn't feel that way anymore. Our relationship was getting a little more serious around this time, he started calling me his girlfriend again, etc. I've always had a big problem with his friendship with her. It's really the only major issue in our relationship. Everything else is wonderful. He tells me he loves me and he would never again cheat on me. For the past couple of months he has been staying at my place all the time, only going home to check his mail occasionally. He got rid of his phone so he hasn't talked to her in a while. Now he is getting his phone back and one of the reasons is so he can call her. He gets frustrated because he says he doesn't know what to do, if he even mentions her to me let alone calls her, it upsets me. This is true, but I don't know what to do either. He says that he wishes he could change the past, but he can't. But he definitely does not ever want to sleep with her again. I wish he would just stop talking to her. He tells me that they are good friends and he doesn't just cut someone off like that. It eats me up inside. I love my boyfriend very much, and I know he loves me, should he stop contacting her if I ask him to? Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 wow - you have put up with way too much. All I can say is that it's time you left him...you are just way too nice for his own good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nicegirl Posted December 1, 2003 Author Share Posted December 1, 2003 Well he doesn't have any family or friends that he is really close with, so he says his friendship with her is important to him. He has told me in the past that for a long time she was his only friend, and they are best friends, and he's not going to give that up. I just love him so much and don't want to walk away from this relationship, but I don't know what else I can do. He told me that he loves me and is committed to me, I believe him, so why can't I stop feeling jealous and insecure about her? Link to post Share on other sites
Al Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 Wow, you have put up with this guy through a lot! But I think if you really want to stick with this guy that talking about things is going to help you both get through this. If he can keep his relationship with his ex, just a friendship I wouldn't ask him to stop talking to her. Otherwise he might continue his conversations behind your back. I think the best thing is to keep this subject open in your relationship. He understands it bothers you but he's honest with what happens between him and his ex. Not that you should continue to stay with him if he continues to sleep with her-leave him if he EVER does it again. But as long as he continues to listen when you voice your concerns and he continues to tell you what the story is between them, I think this is something you can work through together. Then eventually your feelings between you two will grow stronger and you won't be insecure about his relationship with his ex. I am friends with my ex boyfriend and we talk quite frequently when I see him out and at first my boyfriend was very insecure about the situation. But as time went on and I proved that it was nothing but a friendship my boyfriend began to understand the friendship and now doesn't have a problem with it. He now understands that this guy was a big part of my life (we dated for 5 years) and it's hard to completely throw away feelings for someone that you were with for so long. I don't love this guy anymore but I do have feelings for him like I have for my other friends. Once I proved to my guy that this was the case, things between him and I only got stronger. I wish you the best of luck and if you are as in love as you say, I hope everything works out. Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted December 1, 2003 Share Posted December 1, 2003 Originally posted by nicegirl He told me that he loves me and is committed to me, I believe him, so why can't I stop feeling jealous and insecure about her? Because he has given you every reason to be jealous and insecure. If she's one of his only friends in the world, and he wanted to keep that friendship alive while pursuing a romantic relationship with you, he shouldn't have slept with her. It's as simple as that. He sounds like a guy who blurs relational boundaries -- a little too intimate with women who are supposedly just friends. And I don't mean just physical intimacy. There is also the fact that this ex of his was receptive to sleeping with him. Where is she at? What role is he playing in her life? I hate to say this but I would break up with him if I were you. You've got pretty clear cut evidence that this guy simply doesn't know how to conduct himself in a relationship. You might at first think he should be given points for his honesty, and perhaps he should. I'm willing to believe that he is not consciously deceiving you. But he doesn't have a good grip on where he stands vis a vis this ex. At the moment, things with you are good, so he doesn't have a need for his ex in certain ways. Thus he doesn't feel attracted to her right now. But if things with you get a little rocky (and every relationship has bad patches), will he look to her again for comfort, etc? Again, what about her? Is she supportive of his relationship with you, or does she try to undermine it? She's not your friend, that's for sure. I tend to view friendships of the opposite sex as only being appropriate if the friend in question can be just as friendly (at least in theory, barring personality differences) with your partner. His ex is not your friend -- would she ever be? If you heard their phone conversations, would you be appalled? If their friendship can't be extended to include you to some degree, and if their interactions couldn't withstand scrutiny, then I think their friendship is inappropriate. He clearly doesn't recognize that. And you could try to explain it to him -- maybe you have -- but it doesn't sound like a message he's receptive to. So I do think you've got to face up to the fact that he doesn't have room in his heart for you. He may not be in love with his ex, but since he refuses to get rid of the remnants of their old relationship, and make a clean, unencumbered start with you, he might as well still be in love with her. Good luck. I know how hard it is to be with a guy who blurs his relationships. It's not fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nicegirl Posted December 1, 2003 Author Share Posted December 1, 2003 Thanks, that's good advice. I'll try to be more understanding of their friendship. I'm just a jealous person anyway, unfortunately, so it's extra hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author nicegirl Posted December 1, 2003 Author Share Posted December 1, 2003 Midori- that's certainly something to think about. Maybe I'll show him your post and see what he has to say. He says that when he talks to her she always asks how I am and how things are going with us. She has a boyfriend, but I also think that she does get jealous of me. Link to post Share on other sites
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