Terrified of death

[Els]

Long story short, we found out that my mum has cancer. Don't know what stage yet, and I'd prefer not to talk about it.

 

The entire incident, besides being emotionally upheaving and painful, spurred me to the realization that it can happen to ANYone. Nobody is immune - babies die all the time, so do teens, adolescents, etc.

 

Life suddenly seems so short, like it could be stripped away at any time. And I realize I'm terrified about what happens when it ends. Because it's the END. Of everything I know, of everything I am. I'll cease to exist.

 

How can anyone (who doesn't believe in the afterlife or reincarnation) NOT be terrified of death???

[Dooda]

Elswyth, what matters isn't how life ends. It's how you live your life that matters. Don't worry about where or when Death could be, because that'll just make you imagine things you don't want to.

 

I know it's very scary to have a loved one nearing Death, and especially that that's your mother, I am very sorry for you. Death is something that we all come to, and I think it's right to say that we won't die. We don't just cease to exist. There must be something that comes after this.

I don't want to force my beliefs unto you, but I think that, there must be something that comes after life.

 

If you don't believe, then believe simply believe that you'll make your life as plentiful as it possibly can be, and that when Death comes, it will have to come and you will embrace it because you are forced to. Death is a part of life.

 

I live in fear everyday, and everyday it's so hard for me to simply say "I am living life".

There's something inside of you asking you to find out more. Find out who you are and what is LIFE to you, and then maybe you'll overcome your fear of death.

[Els]

Thank you for your kind words, Dooda.

 

To be honest, I am enjoying life, and I am living it to the fullest (in my own personal definition). I think that when one enjoys life more, one does tend to be more afraid of it ending, though!

 

I really, honestly think that is why religion is so popular - the thought of having somewhere to go to after you die is probably the most comforting thought one can ever have. But then I ask myself, if I only believe in a religion because I can't stand the thought of ceasing to exist when I die, am I a true believer? Probably not, and then the entire point is moot.

[quankanne]

or it could open you up to other possibilities ... never hurts to peek at what the other side's doing

 

not sure if my faith is responsible for reassuring me that all will be well, because I've got an even deeper-set belief that death's just the next step, and as scary as it may be, there's something reassuring in the fact that this is never going to change. We're born, and we die. In between we love, we learn, we pay taxes, we make mistakes, we laugh, etc. If we're lucky, we impact other lives in a positive way, so much so that when we're gone, we still help people to love, to learn, to laugh, etc.

[Ross PK]

How can anyone (who doesn't believe in the afterlife or reincarnation) NOT be terrified of death???

 

 

For me personally the reason why I'm not terrified of death is because I know I wont know about it when I die, and if I do, then that's cool because that means there is some sort of afterlife. Don't get me wrong though, as long as I'm not depressed I really don't like the idea of dieing one day, because I want to carry on living and enjoying the things I enjoy in life, I don't like the idea of just not existing anymore and probably never existing again.

[laRubiaBonita]

well is it the unknown that you are afraid of- or death itself?

[carvidep]

This is also my biggest fear, and I don't like to talk about it too much. I'd rather say my biggest fear is spiders than dwell on that void that I feel when I wonder what happens when we die.

 

I lost my dog a few weeks ago, we had to put him down. I'm thankful that I was there for it, because I would never want him to be alone when he passed. But it was the scariest thing I've ever seen. His whole being just disappeared right before my eyes. I can't help but wonder where he's gone, and I hope hope and hope that he's happy where ever he is. But I'm back to loving life again and appreciating everything that he brought to this world and my family.

 

I've also come to realize that the more I think about death, the closer it feels. So I actively turn my attention toward goals and what is happening here and now, and being with my loved ones.

[JaggedRoad]

Don't dwell on something that you will have no control over. Death is nothing that should be feared. Spend more time than necessary on the concept of death and it will consume your life. It will become your worse enemy when it shouldn't be. It just happens. That's it. Nothing else to it than that.

[knaveman]

Death is as much a part of life as birth and living. It's as inevitable as your next breath. It shouldn't consume your every thought anymore than breathing or being born should. Death is unavoidable and it does happen to everyone. No one has managed to avoid it yet.

 

Enjoy everything, everyone, and every moment you have now. In other words, live.

[sb129]

Elswyth- I lost my dad to cancer when I was about 17 weeks pregnant. My baby is due next week.

 

I hear exactly what you are saying, and its an awful time, very emotional, and very very sad.

 

However, while this baby won't replace my dad, she is an important reminder that life goes on, and is another reason to live well and happily- we owe it to her.

 

Losing someone close to me made me really appreciate what I have got.

[sb129]

PS- I am really sorry to hear about your mum.

[marlena]

Losing someone close to me made me really appreciate what I have got.

 

I wish it had worked that way for me. It didn't. Losing both parents almost at the same time made me terrified of losing the other people I love so much in this life..my daughter,my sisters,friends. Or even dying myself and leaving everyone I love to suffer my loss. The thought of never seeing them again sends me into a state of panic. This is becoming a big problem in my life and I can't shake off the feeling of doom that hovers over me all the bloody time. This is what my parents left with me...

 

Anyway, Elswyth, I am sorry about your mother. I truly hope she'll win this battle. Hold on to this thought. For all you now, it may be curable. Many people have survived cancer. Hopefully, she'll be one of them. Don't lose hope.

Edited October 4, 2009 by marlena

[Tony T]

Wasting your good time alive worry about death is a sure way to waste the rest of your life. Read what Gibran had to say about it in The Prophet: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/5484/Gib27.htm

[sb129]

Sorry to hear that Marlena- but totally understandable.

 

I think I may be an overly paranoid parent initially, this baby means so much to our family.

[marlena]

Wasting your good time alive worry about death is a sure way to waste the rest of your life. Read what Gibran had to say about it in The Prophet:

 

 

Ah, The Prophet!! I remember reading that book over and over again many,many years ago. Thanks Tony for recalling this beautiful verse. I'll remember these words every time that feeling of foreboding comes over me.

[marlena]

think I may be an overly paranoid parent initially, this baby means so much to our family.

 

As well it should sb. It somehow seems right that the loss of your father be somehow compensated for by the birth of his grandchild. After my parents died, I kept hoping for a new addition to the family. You will make a great mother. I know.

[Jake Barnes]

Wasting your good time alive worry about death is a sure way to waste the rest of your life

How is that any different than living in Tampa?

[Trialbyfire]

Elswyth, both my parents have had cancer and survived. My mother with breast cancer a number of years ago, my father with lung cancer, just this year. Modern medicine has come a long, long way. Chin up!

 

As for death, it can happen any time. You risk death whether you step out of your home or not. Everytime you get into your car to drive, you risk death. Appreciate what you have, which is life, life you need to embrace. If I recall, you have a daughter. Embrace her, give her a kiss, tell her you love her so she knows that you do. Do this for every single person you treasure, so you know that if anything happens to you suddenly which more than likely it won't, they know that they're loved and treasured.

[Els]

Thanks for the well-wishes - while the lab results following my mother's hysterectomy are not out, from macroscopic examination the lymph nodes that were also removed are clear. So there's a good chance that all will be well.

 

I still can't shake the thoughts of death that plague me, though. It never really bothered me that much before, partly due to the youthful thinking that I've a good many years ahead of me, and partly because I was a staunch Christian during that time. Bit hard to be afraid of death when you believe that you'll be reunited with your loved ones and live happily ever after, after you die.

 

But now that I'm questioning that belief, it leaves me in a very shaky situation. I know that the surest way to waste life is to worry about dying. Unfortunately, for me, worry is never quenched by just thinking that it's silly to worry about it - I can't just tell myself not to worry, unless the root cause has been tackled and resolved. The root cause here may not necessarily be death, just my perception of it. Anyhow, I have been going out as normal, although admittedly I'm taking a lot more care with stuff like electrical plugs, driving, etc. And I'm scheduling a full blood test (including tumor markers) and possibly a mammogram for myself, even though I'm only 23.

 

See, I'm afraid my fear goes even beyond leaving loved ones, etc. If I knew that I'd still have a consciousness, that I'd actually KNOW to miss my loved ones, I wouldn't be so terrified. I'm terrified of the end of ME. That everything that I am, my awareness of self and identity and thoughts and personality and feelings and abilities and relationships and EVERYTHING, would just cease to exist. I keep feeling and wishing that there must be something more than that - than just existing and then ending, like the ant that was smushed on my table.

[saffron7]

I'm really sorry to hear about your mother's diagnosis. I truly hope that she'll pull through this.

 

This is kind of off-topic with the death discussion, but I really wanted to share a note about recovery for if/when your mother goes into remission. I strongly encourage her to check out the book "Anti-Cancer: A New Way of Life," by David Servan-Schreiber.

 

Research has found that 80% of cancers are preventable with lifestyle changes. She can greatly reduce her chance of relapse and even increase her chances of beating her current cancer now by changing her diet.

 

Last year I developed severe, debilitating OCD, which I thought was an incurable, lifelong condition. I cured myself in 6 weeks with a drastic diet overhaul. I also read several books on nutrition therapy during that time, and one that helped me enormously was called "The Complete Cancer Cleanse," by Cherie Calbom. I recommend it to all people dealing with cancer or any major health crisis. I believe the information in this book was integral to my healing.

 

Here's an interesting article about how an acidic diet can contribute to the onset and growth of cancer:

 

http://www.canceractive.com/page.php?n=1025

 

I wish your mother the best in this difficult journey, and I encourage her to be vigilant in researching all possible treatment options. There's a lot she can do now with diet, positive thinking, detox, and exercise to rehabilitate her body and help create the ideal conditions for a full recovery.

[saffron7]

p.s. back to the death discussion, here's a really interesting article I came across recently while googling "What does it feel like to die?"

 

It's from a near-death experience account. I don't have any firm thoughts one way or the other on the validity of NDEs. But this text is so interesting and poetic in a way, it stayed with me for a long time after I read it. I do feel myself strongly inclined to want to believe in such accounts. And when I do let myself believe them, they give me a deep, liberating sense of comfort and calm about death. Perhaps this pragmatic benefit of belief is enough to justify holding onto it:

 

http://www.cinemind.com/atwater/FeelDie.html

[Els]

Thanks for your well-wishes too, saffron. Unfortunately, I tend to debunk cancer theories that do not reference solid scientific studies as proof. I believe that following them to an extreme (not eating certain types of food at all, for example) can actually be detrimental to the health of a patient who is recovering from chemotherapy.

 

As for the NDE, I wish I could believe in it, I do. But despite not being entirely skeptical of all possible religious theories of the afterlife, I truly doubt the story in your link. It is highly impossible that one would remain aware of one's identity and thoughts at the moment of death - because if you could, why would you be unaware during anaesthesia and coma?

[marlena]

because if you could, why would you be unaware during anaesthesia and coma?

 

I 'm pretty much convinced this is what happens when the lights go out. I had surgery a couple of years ago. My BIL was the anasthesiologist. He said, "Godd night,Marlena" and that was my last touch with life. I felt nothing. I was practically speaking dead. No consciousness, no feelings, no thoughts..pure oblivion, a return to nothingness, non-extistence. Strangely enough, when I woke up, I felt somewhat cured of my debilitating fear of death. It wasn't so bad, I thought to myself.

 

Unfortunately, that feeling did not last long and I am back to my tormenting myself with existential angst. At times, I try to recover that, "it wasn't so bad feeling" and mostly fail miserably. Sometimes though, it does work. I recall it was rather liberating. Imagine, bodiless, souless, mindless. .. absolutely nothing to burden you. Think about it.

 

So, it seems that we really do have nothing to fear but the fear itself. Like any other phobia, it is senseless and groundless.

[Thornton]

A woman in my village recently fell down the stairs while carrying a glass of water. The glass broke and slashed her throat, and she bled to death. I believe she was in her 40s and was in good health etc. I guess it just shows you how quickly such things can happen.

 

I could give you a million other examples of such things: my uncle was crushed to death in machinery at work, my other uncle was crushed to death by bricks which fell from a condemned house, my grandfather died in a car accident in his 20s and left behind a teenage widow with two children, my cousin died of a punctured lung due to a broken rib he didn't even realise was broken (he had a car crash and the doctor said he was only bruised). Suffice to say that none of us know when we're going to go, and perhaps it's just as well, otherwise we'd worry ourselves silly.

 

My mother always says that everyone has to go eventually, so there's no point worrying about it, it's inevitable. If you believe in life after death then you have nothing to worry about because death isn't the end; if you don't believe in life after death then you have nothing to worry about because you won't know you're dead, you'll just stop living and that'll be the end of it. Imo death is worse for those left behind than for those who died, who are either in heaven or are just dead and therefore don't know what's going on here, according to your belief.

 

In my experience, death always seems more scary for young people; older people often seem to accept it, and even welcome it, because they've had a long life and they feel tired. Perhaps as you get older you'll feel less afraid? However I think your fear is not of death, but of losing your mother and being left behind... your fear of death is from the perspective of the living, not from the perspective of the person who is dying.

[marlena]

Imo death is worse for those left behind than for those who died, who are either in heaven or are just dead and therefore don't know what's going on here, according to your belief.

 

 

Yes, and this augments my anguish. It is much worse.

 

Another reason I abhor the idea of death is because I want to be around to see how the world will be in say 1000 years from now. I am curious by nature and the thought that I won't be around to witness ground-breaking discoveries, inventions, developments, changes, historical events, climate changes etc... really bothers me. I think how sad nad unfair that my world has to end while the world will continue to exist.