subtitled Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 compliments... there was a thread on this a while back, and we established most people find accepting compliments an awkward situation... I do to. Thing is, my (new) boyfriend compliments me on things i consider unrealistic, and it makes me think he is really just lying to win me over or something... despite him being extremely honest, open and loving. Here's an example: We went to the movies, he had a packet of Jaffa's (chocolate thingos..) and he was feeding them to me, that is, he would put one in my mouth every now and then, and i would kiss his fingers at the same time.. He said to me as a joke "yes, i'm trying to make you fat.." and i laughed and he said "i think i'll have to try pretty hard.." Now i'm not hugely overweight, but i would not consider myself slim. I've put on a heap of weight this last year due to it being my last year of school, and study taking over my life, and i'm not comfortable with my body at this point in time. Usually, people don't voluntarily comment on my weight, i'm guessing because it would be a lie for them to compliment me on it, and probably awkward to say im anything but slim. This means that when someone compliments me on my weight i know that it's unrealistic, because i really am not slim.. it's just a fact.. My boyfriend is a tennis player, very fit and has an amazing body... this makes me feel even worse. I guess i just don't get where his compliments are coming from... because he also teases me about not liking sport - or he assumes i dont like it and makes jokes about it. Like last night i was saying how i used to go for night runs and he was like - "what you mean outdoors? running?!" ... it's funny, but at the same time, i sort of question what he really thinks inside... how should i approach his compliments? i must admit i am a cynical/skeptical person Link to post Share on other sites
steveb Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 My wife never believed me when I would compliment her hair or say she was sexy, etc.. I meant it every time, even when she was 100 lbs. overweight. Her low self image negated what I said. Most women do not get that kind of attention, do not dismiss it, welcome it and appreciate it. Now whe is at her proper (??) weight and is now getting compliments from others. She says that she enjoys getting the compliments. I am upset that all of my compliments were ignored and compliments from strangers are adored. I am not sure how you should approach his compliments. My wife just ignored mine. (or sometimes got upset because she though I was lying) I have no answers for this one, just some insight. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 He's already got you. He doesn't need to lie to you to win you over. He's making an effort to compliment you, you should be happy with that. If it makes you uncomfortable, is it what he is saying or your own self confidence cauing that. Don't hold it against him. If you think he is trying to play you, ask him if he is serious and tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. If you think he's trying to hint to you to lose weight, discuss it with him. Tell him how you feel. Telling us wont fix it. He probably means what he is saying or he wouldn't be going to the effort. Sounds to me like he is sincerely complimenting you. People with poor self images tend to project their feelings onto others. Don't decide what he means, ask him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author subtitled Posted November 29, 2003 Author Share Posted November 29, 2003 thankyou for the replies about the losing weight issue... i had planned to lose weight over summer anyway, but not as drastically as i did last year. Last year, i lost quite a bit of weight, to the point where my friends thought it was unhealthy. I still disagree, but anyway, i've put it all back on now! Last night, after i said i used to go for night runs, i said yeh, i guess i used to be "quite buff.... well fit at least" as a joke/half truth and he said "really? ... maybe you should start running again.. no... i like you just the way you are." it was as if what he really thought came through, and then he kind of covered it up... i dunno, i felt slightly disappointed... but at least he's not keeping it all inside, and i can at least half see what he thinks. I would like to ask him about it, but i will feel so strange doing that after only going out with him fo 2 weeks! (i've known him for a few months now though) another thing he jokes about is my hair (not that often) - it's short, black, spunky sort of thing.. and my friend once said he and i were very similar (meaning behaviour etc.) and he said "you mean other than our hair??!" and i reacted as if i was offended (half-jokingly) and he said "hey, if i was that superficial, do you really think i would be wanting to go out with you?" which was comforting, but at the same time, i thought.. ok... so he doesn't like my hair! yes, i guess i am insecure and shouldn't project my insecurities on him, but it's pretty hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author subtitled Posted November 29, 2003 Author Share Posted November 29, 2003 i'll change my avatar to a picture of us... so you can see what i'm talking about (eek....) Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 Very nice looking couple! Link to post Share on other sites
guest Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 maybe hes worried your going to get really fat. maybe he doesnt want to be with a fat person. maybe hes conserned on some level that your gonna get really overweight. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 if he's such a good tennis player... why not ask him to teach you how to play? you'll get some exercise and have some fun. good luck shedding some of that weight, btw! oh, and he probably means those compliments... but they could also be subtle hints at what he'd like you to do (even though he likes you just the way you are!) good luck, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 None of those things sounded like compliments. Mostly, they sounded like very lame jokes. I'd not think 'yes, I'm trying to make you fat' was a compliment, for example. A compliment is "you look very nice". "maybe you should start running again.. no... i like you just the way you are." sounds like he's trying to be funny and then making sure his 'joke' doesn't offend you. "hey, if i was that superficial, do you really think i would be wanting to go out with you?" which was comforting, but at the same time, i thought.. ok... so he doesn't like my hair! " Huh? Now how on earth would you interpret what he said to mean he doesn't like your hair?????? I'd have to stand on my head drunk in a snowstorm in May to come up with that out of what he said. You are worrying too much. You can over-analyze a relationship to death and that's the way you're headed. Just accept that he thinks he's funny and have fun with him. Watch his expression when he says these things. If he's smiling, smile along and pretend you think he's a great wit. He's a cutie and you do make a nice couple. Link to post Share on other sites
LauraD Posted November 29, 2003 Share Posted November 29, 2003 This probably is not a good answer to your question. But about compliments in general, I've been told to Accept Compliments as you would Any Other Kind of Gift! Think about it: When you receive a gift, it is always appreciated and you often tell the person giving the gift, Thank You! Now, a compliment is just like a gift, it is a verbalization of acknowledgement of something positive about you! That is a wonderfully personal kind of gift. As a female, I often have a hard time accepting compliments because I am unsure if they are genuine. But we should always assume the best and believe them! Link to post Share on other sites
Author subtitled Posted November 30, 2003 Author Share Posted November 30, 2003 Originally posted by moimeme None of those things sounded like compliments. Mostly, they sounded like very lame jokes. that's true. lame jokes are one of his specialties, and every now and then he leaps past the lamoness and cracks a really funny one yeh, they weren't really compliments, but he does give other compliments which really are compliments at other times, but they're usually pretty corny and i make fun of him for "scraping the bottom of the barrell" which makes him laugh... i had a good talk with my friends last night about it, they just think i'm being way to insecure and i should get over it. sounds like the logical thing to do ps. changed my avatar back... it's weird seeing myself on the screen Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 30, 2003 Share Posted November 30, 2003 ps. changed my avatar back... it's weird seeing myself on the screen Too bad - you're a cute couple. Then again, who'm I to talk. I'm not about to post my photo LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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