being cheated on has put me in a weird place...

[poizon74]

So I've been reading a lot of posts about various people's experiences with being cheated on. No two situations are the same however, and so I decided to go a step further and actually post about my story in the hopes I might get some personalized feedback. But be prepared, it's long!

 

I have been with my g/f for over 9 years, we got engaged about 4 years ago and had been living together for the past 6 years before we moved apart to go to our respective graduate schools. I went to school in NYC and she moved to Colorado (quite a distance away). When it first looked like we would move apart she begged me not to. She was actually very willing to change plans around back then so we could stay together, but very much wanted to come to CO since she had the best school opportunity there. I'm a musician and much preferred to move to a big city, also I found a perfect fit for my school in NYC. She was heart broken when I left, she used to call me up crying all the time and told me that this long distance relationship was not working for her and she didn't want it to go on for all the years we would be apart. I asked her then flat out what she would do, because as much as I also hated being apart I saw it as temporary (even though 4-5 years is a long temporary), and I thought our relationship was strong enough to survive basically anything. I knew I could get through. I did ignore her pain back then and was too busy with my own life to pay her much attention, which I do take responsibility for and regret deeply.

 

Things were not going great but I still had faith that we could survive. Then all of the sudden she started suggesting that we have an "open relationship", to which I was opposed. When I refused she asked if I wanted my ring back... she had planned a trip to come visit and when she did she broke the news that some weeks ago she had in fact cheated on me with one of her friends she met in CO (who was actually in an LDR himself). When she first told me I was of course devastated. I remember thinking that I would honestly do anything for her and to fix the problems we had, but that now she had gone too far, crossed a line which can never be undone and that I could really never forgive her. I told her then that I would be her friend from now on but no more.

 

Well her trip was almost 2 weeks long and in that time with her I realized I couldn't be just friends. We slept together while she visited but I kept up my decision and said once she left to go back to CO that it was over for good. On the last day she gave me back the ring with tears in her eyes. When we talked about things I asked for details, she said the sex was physically good but that there was no love involved and that by sleeping with me again she felt what she was missing and admittedly looking for outside of our relationship. She said she was sorry for what happened but couldn't see how anything would have happened differently since she was fed up with the LDR. She told me she still loved me and didn't want things to end, that I was worth waiting for but that she was just incapable. When I asked why she didn't just break up with me back when I asked "what are you going to do?" she said because she didn't want to break up and still didn't, she didn't see it coming but one night when they were both drunk he came on to her and she let it happen.

 

About a month after I got the ring back and she left I went into a self analyzing spiral, the final result of which I realized that no matter what I did really love her and thought she was absolutely the one for me, and in fact felt like she was worth more than anything else in my life... so I made a strange decision to call her up, basically force her to let me fly out and see her, and told her that I would quit my school, job, band, and leave all my friends and family and move out to CO if she wanted to be with me again. When I told her she started crying again and told me in the month we broke up she had slept with 2 more people (both from "booty calls", or perhaps "booty texts" in this day and age), she asked if that changed my mind... I had to think about it a bit but realized it didn't and in fact was much less hurt and concerned since we were technically broken up at the time. I told her my offer still stood and she took me up on it and was ecstatic about it.

 

I can tell when she talks to me and we are together that she does really love me and I do honestly love her, but is love really all you need? I have forgiven her time and time again in my mind, and when I look closely at what happened I cannot deny my own fault (though of course she was the one who was unfaithful). But I cannot shake this uneasy feeling, and so often little things trigger my emotions (like watching a show or movie involving cheating, even just talking to people about marriage and relationships, or sometimes even just when she'll call or text me to tell me she loves me), I'll break down and start crying uncontrollably (which was always so very unlike me, I always was in very good control of my emotions).

 

I did give up my life and have actually recently just moved back with her. I feel like the circumstances surrounding all this lend themselves to forgiveness very much. She never cheated on me before, admits that if we had stayed together she would have never, and promises to never cheat again, and I do believe her. She was honest about it and in a timely fashion and obviously still wanted me back, and I wanted her back. But even so it's been much harder than I thought it would be. Sometimes I still feel uneasy around her now and in many settings. I feel nervous often when we are having sex, and when we go out I am uneasy as she runs into friends she knows and people she's met. I try to hide it but she has caught me crying before and has been very comforting and sweet about it, I know she's concerned about me.

 

Now I gave all the not-so-detrimental details, but things do get worse... She still talks to the guy she cheated on me with, he is in her circle of friends and though I haven't run into him yet I'm sure I will. I constantly and completely dread seeing him, and when his name is mentioned my heart skips a beat every time. Also she has told me that now from sleeping around a bit that she is unhappy with our sex life. I would say I was never "completely" satisfied with our sex life as well (we would typically have sex often - 2 times a day - but often just in the morning and at night, always in bed, nothing very creative). It was "enough" for me, and her back then, but I agreed with her that it could and should be better. Still, her telling me in essence that the sex must improve for us to stay together, and her still talking to the guy she cheated with (he has also not told his g/f who also moved to CO to be with him! and i feel terrible for her....) really gets to me. That said I did witness one of their AIM conversations in which he actually defended me... said I must be one hell of a guy to do what I did, told her she's need to cherish our relationship and even suggest SHE try things to spice up our sex life. I had met the guy before and liked him, I don't really harbor much direct anger or resentment toward him, and I'm also not really scared that the two of them would get together again...

 

So I am sitting here now in CO still with no job or school or band or friends or anything and still very confused about how I feel, wondering if I did the right thing. I think by giving up what i did I found a new sense of security in myself, like I can do whatever I want and be whoever I want. Often people say similar things after tragic events, I honestly feel stronger now in terms of my personality having so clearly defined my life's priorities. I'm not too worried about her cheating on me again right now either as she seems to be completely re-infatuated with me again after I made this drastic change for her. But still I am uneasy, still crying when I imagine her with other guys, and still finding it very hard to cope with living here where all this happened now.

 

I know deep down that she is my soul-mate and feel we were always meant to be together, but in a way that makes me feel pretty stupid and worthless sometimes. like this is the person I chose all those years ago, and that we still really love each other and always did, but yet she's capable of cheating... I don't want to believe that once a cheater always a cheater but much of the advice and statistics I've read points to that, and that after cheating it's unlikely that the relationship can continue.

 

I still feel like there is something I can do, someway to get around this BS or even turn it around to my favor... but as time goes on I realize that this pain I have likely won't ever go away. I still have some trust in her, but not complete trust, not like before, and I am beginning to doubt I ever will. When she first brought up sex she said it was a big deal for her since we would eventually be married... when she said that it triggered something else and I came to the realization and told her that I don't think I really want to get married anymore. I think that marriage is sacred (it is a sacrament!) and requires divine trust and that I don't no if I'll ever be capable of that again. I'm not sure that I'm husband material anymore, and I don't know if she's wife material either. That made her sad but she said she understood and still wanted to be with me, she says she wants to earn my trust back but I donno if it even can be earned. I often feel completely victimized although I do know in my mind that I share some blame, my emotions just run rampant and I can't help how I feel.

 

Sometimes I feel like I've made two terrible mistakes in a row: 1-moving away when i did really want to be with her and she said it wouldn't work as a LDR, and then 2-not accepting what happened and the decisions i made and instead now choosing to be with her. At this point I ask myself, why did I come here now? beforehand I could have kept this relationship going, when I chose not to I helped to ruin things, but now I'm putting myself back there and causing myself all this grief.

 

Sorry this is all so very long... I guess I'm just wondering do I keep making mistake after mistake here? Did I ruin my relationship and then now ruin my life on top of it? I remember thinking that it was worth leaving everything I had for my relationship, but will I ever even have my relationship back? I'm such a mess of emotions but haven't decided what exactly I'll do now and as I've said I found a new sense of strength that I can do anything... even just moving here I'm capable of leaving on a whim if I think it's the right thing to do. What do you think?

[jumi]

i dont think you are going to get many replies with the length of this msg. i dont want to sound mean but can you summarize this a little?

[poizon74]

yeah, thanks for the advice... basically my finance of 9 years cheated on me while we were in an LDR over the last year. I really want her back so I dropped everything when she told me and moved to be with her. I believe her when she says she never cheated before and won't ever again, but I can't help feeling nervous and perhaps foolish for giving up so much for her.

 

The rest of the details are as above...

[tinktronik]

Do you think there's any way you two could receive some counseling?

 

That and I would suggest that you have a conversation with your girlfriend about breaking off all ties with the man she cheated on you with.

 

I think if I can get more information from you and lines up your girlfriend's take on the situation that I can get more advice. In the meanwhile, I'm sorry that you've been hurt.

[Kamille]

Yes, in my experience, the partner who's most afraid of long-distance is always the one who struggles the most with long-distance.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. It is a big sacrifice you are making for the relationship and it is a big thing you are forgiving. So cut yourself some slack here: you've done the major steps. It's normal that you're struggling through some things! I'm sure your gf understands this and I'm glad to hear she's been consoling you.

 

In the meantime: focus on getting in a groove over there. Meet people, go out and good luck with the job hunting! Things will fall into place. Give it some time.

[Trialbyfire]

She's showing you a pattern of behaviour, one that you NEED to pay attention to. When things don't go the way she wants in a relationship, what's the first thing she does? She looks for external sexual validation of self-worth. She did this to you when you were in a relationship, then did it twice, after your relationship was technically over.

 

Do yourself a favour. Go back to NYC and start living YOUR own life again. There are plenty more fish in the big, wide ocean, where many of them don't need that kind of external validation.

[Rollercoasterr]

She's a silly child. Who does this? When she doesn't get what she wants she's going to open her legs to any guy that wants a piece. If that's the way you want to live your life, then so be it. But be prepared for more of this. Lots more. If you were to make it as a musician, what do you think will happen when you travel???

[poizon74]

Because of the way it happened I honestly don't feel paranoid about her cheating again, maybe I'm just being nieve but I certainly got a vibe that things were not ok for months last time before she cheated, and as I've said now I can tell she's maybe more infatuated with me than ever before. She certainly realizes how much I care now and is being very supportive now. She admitted when I first got here she didn't really believe I would do it, and I could tell when I did her recent attitude towards me completely changed.

 

We are both scientists, so we travel a lot. Also I do often travel for music as well. I haven't had to face a moment like that yet, but I do see that my lack of trust will likely have me feeling edgy again if we're apart for too long. In there lies some of my real confusion... I don't honestly think she would cheat on me again, especially with no warning, but yet I don't have complete trust in her... weird huh?

 

I'm not going back to NYC. I burnt some bridges there for this, besides if I leave I want to go someplace new, maybe LA... I've been thinking if thngs don't work out of heading there perhaps...

 

I'm trying to get settled and make friends. This place is no NYC for sure, and I still abbé no job or idea about a future here but I'm honestly not too worried about that either. I'm really worried that I'll never shake this uneasy feeling, no matter how great she's been to me in the past or even if she was always great to me for the rest of our lives... I have to face that I might very well never get over this and that by in fact stayig with her I am making worse by constantly reminding myself.

 

I won't ask her to stop talking to the OM, but she hasn't in a while. I just told her that I do consider what she does and it does give me insight into her intentions. I'm more worried about running into him in person, what do I say. And I feel so very bad for his g/f not knowing he's cheated on her, many times in fact...

 

And finally, I know she's a silly child. She still always says "I don't know what to tell you". Still says "I didn't know I was going to do it.". But my response has been that she needs to grow up, open her eyes and really think about those thing, she has to "know" herself or I won't stick around much longer. But a good point was hit on.... she was always faithful when I was there to keep her satisfied, but without me in her life is that really the person shed become? Go from my "wife" to a common slut? Now I walked through the flames for us and I'm back so she's happy, but I can tell still childish. She got her wish at every turn and in doing so I don't feel she learned anything. But is it possible for me to teach her?

Edited October 3, 2009 by poizon74

[Kamille]

Your job isn't to teach her anything. She is the only one responsible for her actions. You are responsible for yours.

 

If you think she is a silly child, then I'm sorry to say you are far from having forgiven her.

 

You two have a lot to deal with if you want to make it through this.

 

Realize the people here are judging your relationship on some very limited details that do paint her in a very negative light. You know her. You know how you feel about her.

 

Work with her to resolve this. Take the advice of internet strangers with a grain of salt.

 

If however, you need to let go of some anger, I think you have found a site that will gladly indulge you in judging her.

[Rollercoasterr]

You can't teach her anything, sweetie. If anything you've taught her that she gets exactly what she wants, even with you moving. Actually, especially with you moving. She knows she doesn't have to do anything. She cheats, you come running. That was perhaps the worst move in this. She couldn't handle the physical distance and cheated on you with 3 different guys(you may not say 2 of them are, but it still kind of is), YOU felt bad for whatever reason and decided to move to her and give her the physical contact she needs. Well you had just as much ties to NYC as she does to her place. Why couldn't she move? Why didn't SHE make more effort other than the one she made to get out of her clothes quickly for those booty calls?

 

I don't mean to make you feel bad, but you're really not going to be able to teach this girl anything. She's already spoiled and knows that she can get what she wants from you at anytime.

[poizon74]

I know it isn't my "job" to teach her or anyone anything... but I don't accept that I cannot. I do still honestly see her as very childish, and in a way I am still unable to forgive her even doing all I have right now. There is something i need out of this but I'm not sure just what it is...

 

I don't accept that she is just that way, because she never did anything like this in all the years we were together. I know she can be faithful. And I do think people can change and see the mistakes they have made for what they are, in fact I feel like I have entirely. It's whats given me the strength to risk everything for this relationship. But I do still feel like i need something in return.

 

I guess the simplest way to put it is that she hasn't really DONE anything to make me forgive her, she said sorry, big deal. I have not only said now but DONE important things to show her how much she means to me. I think if I am ever able to get over this I need her to offer me something that warrants forgiveness. I don't know what that is... a simple gift? a few words? I honestly don't know... but I need something from her besides her happiness that I am back in her life. I need something that shows me she's grown beyond the way she lived that allowed this to happen.

 

So far, no matter how great things can be, she hasn't shown me this. But I care enough about her that I want to help her come to that place, and I am willing to give her SOME time to make it there. But if she doesn't I donno how this can go on...

 

no matter how much I care or how much I do for the relationship it doesn't seem to change my feelings, I'm almost positive she needs to do something for that to happen. I moved out here and she told me in doing so I restored her trust and confidence in me, I need her to do something for me that does the same.

[Rollercoasterr]

I moved out here and she told me in doing so I restored her trust and confidence in me, I need her to do something for me that does the same.

 

But what did you ever do to make her need to gain your trust back? I know we're only getting a one sided story here, but seriously, if she thinks that YOU needed to gain HER trust back she's got bigger issues than her cheating, cause she's delusional as well.

[poizon74]

well my first message was kinda long.. so I won't blame you for not reading it all...

 

what I did was tell her I would move out to CO with her. then after she accepted a position here, came out and found a place or us etc, I went back on my word and moved to NYC instead.

 

it is a little more complicated than that... but I know how much I hurt her by not coming out here when I said I would. I can understand she wouldn't trust my word anymore and have confidence that I would really do something like this for her.

 

she now knows, I told her months ago but actually doing it has changed her mind about it and it's very obvious. she's been more than great to me since I've been here, but like I said I might need something more.

 

even with circumstances aside, and her renewed love for me, and the happiness she shares it isn't enough to easy my nerves... I'm still just trying to figure out what (if anything) would.

[Rollercoasterr]

No, that doesn't make you lose your trust for someone like that. Not the way that cheating on your LD love makes you lose it. You did what you had to do to make you happy, you did what you thought was right to make a future for you and her. She didn't hold up her end of the bargain. While you were missing her and thinking only of her, she didn't spare a single thought for you. But yet she lost her trust in you? That's not right. No matter if you didn't move to be with her at first or not, you never strayed. She did. You thought only of her. She didn't. No matter what.

 

I've been through this before. And it's tough. But I do understand.