I will finally have my proof.

[steveb]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?threadid=28961

 

Well, the **** is going to hit the fan on Saturday night.

Tomorrow is her 31st birthday.

She is having an "all girl" party at a piano bar.

 

I saw the email in the deleted emails that told everyone when to meet, etc.

Eric was on the list.

She promised she would not see or talk to him.

 

I figure I will find a place for the kids to go, and show up with some flowers.

If he is there, I of course will knock him out, then let my wife know that I am leaving her.

 

If he is not there, she may or may not be upset about me coming. but, I have every right to know what she is doing.

[Tony T]

I think you should show up with some flowers but I don't think you should knock anybody out. That's a great way to go to jail. If you see this guy there, simply wish them the very best, give her the flowers and let her know a divorce will be filed soon. Then exit and see how much fun she has the rest of the evening.

 

You really don't need a woman with this kind of deceit in your life. I am terribly sorry the relationship has degenerated to this degree.

[steveb]

Your right.

I will be a civil as normal.

[lostforwords]

Im so sorry to hear thjat steve..... but tony is right.... dont go showing up ready to kick his asss... the last thing you need is for your kids wondering why or where their dad is..... especially in jail and trust me she sound slike she may be vindictive to tell them ...... just be cool headed about it..... you shgow alot more class and dignity by doing so especially if all her friends are going to be there..... who will look like the asss after you leave if you keep calm and composure...... trust me when i say they will.... good luck to you..... my heart does go to you.... i know what the feeling is like.....

[Arabess]

I wouldn't show up at all. I'd order one of those "Sing-A-Grams" and have some half nude girl sing her a "Happy Birthday....Here are your divorce papers" tune!

 

I'm sorry Steveb. It's so hard when someone totally blind sights you with another love interest. I'm glad you are posting though....so you don't feel like you are all alone in this.

[zero]

dang man - dont hit him. You will go to jail. You will look like an ass. Why knock somebody out? it was not his fault. Had your wife not allowed him to be in this position then it would not have happened. If your wife's friends truely cared about her and you they would have done everything to stop it. It sounds like it is over in her mind as well as her friends'.

 

 

If I were in your shoes I would not go there. You have everything to lose and very little to gain. If you sit calmly and think it out you will know there is no positive benefit to go there at all.

 

This might be difficult to take, but you sound as if you know it is over. Just accept it. I know you want to trust her, but after the email tonight you can not. (question - if you chose to trust her - why did you snoop? - that would be a good thing to think about...)

 

Be the better person here. Make up your mind to end this. You dont need this in your life. Your children dont need this either.

 

I think deep down you know what to do here.

 

You sound like a very smart person and very much like myself (your story rings so true for a previous relationship[engagement] of mine). I would be happy to tell you about it sometime if it would help.

 

You are not alone.

[steveb]

Well, I confronted her last night instead of tonight.

We had a complete breakdown.

 

She finally said that she is going to try to save the marriage.

She is also to go on depression medication on Monday.

My wife finally dropped the "i do not know what I want" act last night and said she would work on us and that the counceler and the meds should help.

 

I gave her another chance. (sucker???)

 

I asked that she call Eric and tell him not to go to her party.

Before she left, I asked if she called him, and she said yes.

 

I found a baby sitter and suprized her with flowers and a birtday baloon.

 

 

When I came in and kissed her, Eric gave me his chair (which was next to her) and moved two seats away.

I wasn't sure who it was.

I asked her if she was upset that I came, and she said "no".

SHe said that she knew I didn't come there because of mistrust, but because I want to fix our relationship.

 

I chatted with her and some of her friends.

 

When she went to the bathroom, I asked him if he was with the party, and when he said yes, I introduced myself.

The said he was Eric and the guy between us had come with him.

 

I decided to take your advise and keep my cool.

After all, she supposedly called him and told him not to come?????

 

I kept him in my table conversations and the various toasts that the bar does. (trying to get under his skin)

He ended up buying the table shots, and I thanked him.

 

He ended up leaving withing 45 minutes of me ariving.

 

I asked my wife as nonchalantly as possible, why he was there.

She said that she told him, but he came anyway, and that he was only there about 2 minutes before I showed up.

 

I continued the night getting the piano players to keep calling her up to sing their "inappropraite" songs to her. (this piano bar is a blast)

 

I was trying to make sure that any attention she got tonight was from me.

 

I am not sure how things will be in the morning.

 

PS. History:

My wife said he is just a friend.

I said that she can't talk to or see him anymore.

When I talked to him on the phone previously, he told me that he was after my wife.

[GeorgiaSongbird]

SteveB..

 

My heart goes out to you both. This is going to be a hard and uphill battle for both of you..

 

Do you think she actually called and told him not to come? I would have made her call him in front of me .. and if I was feeling evil, I would have been listening on an extension while they had the conversation..

 

And as for her saying he had just gotten there ... Yeah, ok..

 

She is going to have to start showing you with her ACTIONS she wants to save this marriage .. and hope for both of you that she does..

 

All things considered, I think you handled the evening well (better than me, I don't know if I could have kept myself under control enough to be polite to him).

 

Good Luck

[moimeme]

Really, I haven't seen anything in your story to be overly alarmed about. First, see how the depression meds work. The depressed mind isn't always all that rational; she may have felt her unhappiness was caused by the marriage rather than being something organic. Once the meds kick in, she may have a whole new outlook on life.

 

There aren't any indications she's having an affair. Neither your wife nor Eric could've kept their cool when you showed up if something was actually going on.

 

You conducted yourself very well at the party. Try to ratchet down your suspicions and worries for a while. Depression meds can take weeks to take effect; don't expect a miracle to happen in a few days. Don't twist yourself into knots picturing infidelity which is likely not happening at all.

 

She is going to have to start showing you with her ACTIONS she wants to save this marriage .. and hope for both of you that she does..

 

Again, don't expect miracles. She isn't going to turn into The Perfect Wife all of a sudden. It's going to take work on both your parts to get your marriage back on track. It's great you're willing to work on it with her. Now don't be impatient about it all. I think things will work out for you in the end but it will take some time.

[steveb]

That is waht we both agreed to last night. To wait out the depression meds and couceling.

 

In reference to trust.

She has admitted flirting with men at the bar while she is there whith freinds who have cheated with their husbands.

Her friends have pulled down her credibilty, sad to say.

She has sent this Eric guy emails just saying "thinking of you", So there is(was?) definately something a little too close there.

 

I have to stay motivated, or else I will curl up into a ball and quit the game.

 

So, if she did call him, and he is still pursuing her, I will have to trat it as a competition with him, and not take it out on her. (if she is really trying)

 

Still confused, but motivated.

 

But like I said, I will know in the morning if she was actually upset or not that I was there at all.

[Lester]

I have been reading your story and I can understand what your going through. I agree that your wife has been cheating. Whether they have had sex or not its cheating. I just hope she can get her mind in the right place and stop all this but I wouldnt hold my breath. Sounds as if she's enjoying what she's doing. She has destroyed your trust and that is a very hard thing to get back.

 

I am truly amazed that you held your temper at the boyfriend. My hats off to you. I wouldnt have been able to do that. Yes its true that she is the one who is stringing him along but he also knows that she is a married lady. Which means hands off.

 

I too am going through something similiar. My wife moved out 3 months ago and I just resently found out that my best friend, who is also married, has been going by and visiting her at night by himself. Theres certain things that men don't do to each other and there damned sure are things that friends don't do. I confronted her about it and she says "he's my friend too." So I called him and simply said "stay away from my wife!" He knew exactly what I meant. So not only am I about to lose my wife of 20 years now I've lost my best friend of even longer.

 

Man I feel for you and hope you can get this all worked out. I know the emotional ride your going through. Good luck.

[moimeme]

I agree that your wife has been cheating.

 

It appals me how rapidly people rush to judgement without knowing all the facts. Thank heavens you haven't acted as Lester suggests he might have in being judge, jury, and executioner without due consideration and investigation.

 

Lester, you fail to understand depression. People in the throes of mental distress do nonproductive things - often to their own detriment. You don't blame them and punish them for that. You figure out what's causing them to do this and then help them fix the problem. Which is what steveb is doing and kudos to him for that.

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by Lester

 

 

I too am going through something similiar. My wife moved out 3 months ago and I just resently found out that my best friend, who is also married, has been going by and visiting her at night by himself. Theres certain things that men don't do to each other and there damned sure are things that friends don't do. I confronted her about it and she says "he's my friend too." So I called him and simply said "stay away from my wife!" He knew exactly what I meant. So not only am I about to lose my wife of 20 years now I've lost my best friend of even longer.

 

 

 

He certainly isn't your friend if he is banging your wife in the middle of the night. Drop both of their a$$es!

[steveb]

Thanks for the support.

 

I "AM" hurt and mistrusting.

My current goals are to not let her see the mistrust and to wait out the depression issue.

[I'mJustAGurl]

I wanted to let you know.. that I am depressed alot... And that I've been on depression meds also... but depression doesn't cause infidelity... So.... the meds aren't going to help that... I do want to offer some advice.. I know your not in the wrong at all.. but if you do want to keep her.. you need to give her alot of attention, and tell her how beautiful/wonderful/ what a good Mother she is... anything you can think of.... get her to do things she enjoys with you..... She may be depressed because she's missing something from you.. I know a lot of wives that this happens too.. then that causes infidelity.. thinking that someone else can give them what you aren't.... I wish you luck, and hope it all works out.

[moimeme]

Um. I never implied that depression caused infidelity. However, depression can make a marriage which might have some issues seem insurmountably troubled. Depression colours your life black; things which you might have easily dealt with become impossible to handle.

[steveb]

Oh, I KNOW that I dropped the ball on Attention and Romance.

And of course, I missed all of the hints that I now remember.

 

I fear it is too late, she seems to reject my attention some days and other days she accepts it.

 

I DO think that the depression affected her ability to try to fix us. It most likely seems to hard to her. And geting attention at the bar is, of course, very easy.

[ENFP]

I'd also like to add some advice about depression, being that I am suffering from it and have recently had it be part of the reason that my boyfriend broke up with me.

 

Depression tends to bring out the most vulnerable side of a person. If your wife feels inadequate about herself as a person, it's a possibility that her attractiveness is part of that. I'm definitely NOT saying that you've been neglecting her, as I don't know the details, but sometimes it's not what is real, but what you imagine is real. Part of my depression is that I get a really negative bias on everything. It was especially hard being in a relationship at that time, as I assumed that this person who meant so much to me was far too good for me. Also, if he didn't do things that I expected as a couple, or he'd do something/say something quite neutral or innocent, I'd take it as a sign that he was losing interest, that he didn't want me, even often that he hated me. Of course, my ex-boyfriend was far less understanding about my problems and kind of freaked out, and also is very insensitive, so very good at wounding me, but the basis is still the same. As the importance of a person/relationship increases, the more I suspect that they are not interested in me. Of course, this may not be the case with your wife, but if I were in her position, I'd be feeling really overwhelmed and not feeling like I could cope. I suppose my advice about your role from here is to show her that there are options for her, which are within her means to obtain.

 

I think the way you've handled this situation is admirable. Many guys in your position would have given up by now. Showing your wife that you're willing to be there for her is such a good first step to her getting her life under control again. As hard as it is, also, you should be careful with things you say. You certainly have a right to feel the way you want to, but if you're tempted to make a guilt-tripping type comment, reconsider it.

 

Hope it helps.

[Lester]

I know a little about depression. I take paxil everyday myself. It makes you very negative and look down on everything but it doesnt make you go out at night partying and cheating on your spouse.

[steveb]

Thanks for the info.