Accepting divorce

[Logik]

Hey. Well, since my wife left me end of June, I've just been sitting around practicing LC and being the bigger person by giving her the space she needs etc. Only spoken to her about the kids. Only see her when I fetch the kids. Not talking about the relationship and so on.

 

Here's the story...

 

She tells me over the phone that she needs space. Probably too scared to tell me face to face. I do have a bit of a temper, but I only express my frustration by raising my voice. I have never said a harsh thing to her in anger. She said that she cannot deal with my anger. It only really rears it's ugly head during sports game that I watch and in the traffic on the road, but I know it's no excuse and I am working on it.

 

Anyway, I told her that I would move out to give her space. So I moved in with my brothers. A week later, we went to see a shrink together only for me to find out that she's only there to make sure that I'm ok with her decision. She doesn't love me any more but still cares about me.

 

After that, I decided that I shouldn't be the one to move out, so I went back home. Tried to talk to her. Not begging her to take me back, but tried to talk about the relationship. She didn't want to talk about anything. I just thought that we needed to communicate about it, since she only told me over the phone briefly that it was over and not really talk at the shrink. "too little, too late" kinda stuff.

 

So we had the argument. Me trying to discuss matters, her shutting me out. I said that people even come back after affairs. She then tells me that she had met someone else. I asked her why she had never given me this vital information earlier and she replied with "I had only met him this week, nothing has happened and we didn't know how we felt but if I can feel something that about someone else, then I can't be in this marriage". So she then left to stay with her folks, taking the children.

 

The next morning, she returns to collect clothing etc. She wakes me up. She says that she hadn't met anyone else and she just said that to stop me from trying to discuss out relationship. I took it with a pinch of salt. A week later, I thought I would go and clarify this and try to understand why she doesn't want to stay married. Again, we argued about it. She said again that she hadn't met anyone. Doesn't want to talk about it.

 

That was the last time I tried to talk to her about our relationship. Probably 2.5 months ago. Anyway, two weeks later, she wants me to give her money for the children. I told her that she was the one who decided to take them out of the home that I was providing, so she needs to deal with it. There was a perfectly good home for them to live in and she made the decision alone. Plus, I didn't really have any money to give her, since she took me off her medical insurance and now I had to get my own. This was all via email. She then replies saying that it was disappointing that I could help with their day to day expenses, and that I decided to move back home and displace her and the children and all my fault. Said that she was filing for divorce.

 

I was then ready to give her the divorce when I got some advice from a friend who was in the same position as me a few months before. He told me to sleep on it and not be too hasty. Taking his advice, I decided to try all I could to delay a divorce. I offered to move out of the house, so her and the kids could be in the home. I offered to keep paying what I was paying, so there were no financial pressures adding to the situation. I told her this was going too fast and we needed to cool down before making any decisions like that. She said that she needed to move on and she was not coming back. Not willing to change her mind, and not willing to sit in limbo. I said that if that's what she needed, then she should do it, but just hold back on the finality. She eventually agreed and said we didn't have to discuss the divorce until the end of the year.

 

Anyway, carried on LC. See the kids twice a week. She removed me off her Facebook and Twitter. I'm living with my parents. Then my mother goes into hospital with pneumonia. She was doing well until she had a stroke about 2 weeks ago. Can't move the left side of her body. I'm sure she'll get through it. She's a strong woman and has been through a lot recently. 2 years ago, she had a train tumour, the size of a lemon removed. She's recovering well from that. So now I had the trauma of my marriage and my mom. Not easy. Tell STBXW about my mom and she says that she's sorry and if there's anything she can do etc. Keeps asking if they know the cause of the stroke. They don't, so I can't tell her.

 

Yesterday, she phones to tell me what time I can pick the kids up today. I say ok, etc. and then she asks me what's wrong. Don't know why, maybe something in my voice. I said nothing, because nothing was wrong, and she said I sounded angry. I said I wasn't, anyway, said goodbye.

 

Sends me an email 2 hours later asking if I'm ok and I sounded angry. Then says that maybe we need to finalise everything so we can both get over everything and move on. She doesn't want the awkwardness and tension any more. I replied. I needed to tell her exactly how I felt. So I told her I wasn't angry and I was ok. Then I apoligised for everything that I had did to cause the rift in the relationship. Then I told that if it was what she needed, then she needs to do it. I'll let her go. I wanted her to be happy and hoped that I could be the one to help her find happiness again, but if I couldn't, so be it. I thanked her for being part of my life and showing me what true love feels like.

 

She replied saying that she would never get in the way of my relationship with the children, which I never mentioned, and saying that she thinks it's best to finalise because she needed to move on and I will always bee a part of her life and that her feelings haven't changed but she will always care about me and if I needed more time she would give it to me, she wouldn't finalise now etc. Did she even read my email? I didn't need any reassurance about her feelings or any more time or doubted my relationship with my children. Anyway I replied telling her that the balls in her court. She replied again saying that it would be best for her to move on and not feel awkward around me and end the tension. And that I would be able to move out of my parent's house and closer to them so I could see the children more and it can't be easy living with my parents etc. She's telling me how she thinks I feel. I have no plans of moving out of my parent's house any time soon, until I can get back on my feet financially, which could take a year or more. And I don't see how signing a piece of paper will magically take away her feelings of awkwardness and tension. But I suppose it's not my decision, so I won't fully understand it.

 

So there we have it. Divorce coming. I knew I was just delaying the inevitable, but I'm glad I did. It's been three months and I have gone through a lot in my head, but now see a light at the end of the tunnel. Doing things for myself has helped. Doing things for her has helped as well. By doing what I did, I let her live the same life she had with me around, just without me. So I know that if she had come back, it wouldn't have been for any financial or security reasons. It would've been because she missed having me around, and she obviously doesn't.

 

Next chapter begins. Focus on me and the kids now.

[giotto]

you are such a Logikal person, Logik... well done!

[Nomad1]

From your account of what she is saying, it sounds that she has definitely started a new chapter with someone else. She is anxious and guilty that she is still married and wants to bring it to an end very soon so that she feels that legally, she can hump anyone she likes and you are no longer legally her husband. Things must have progressed fast and far in her new relationship. Be prepared for the anger that will envelop your body and soul for a while. It will come back when you think it's gone. Time to be wise. Don't be too generous! You are facilitating her behaviour. Cut your losses, stay cool, move on! You have no choice in the matter, but if you initiate the formal ending, you will regain your power.

 

Good luck and take care

 

Nomad1

[Logik]

Nomad, I can agree with you there, but I can only work with the information I have been given. I asked her if this was the case and she said no. I suppose time will tell if she's lying or not, but I can't just assume that is the case. These thoughts have been running through my head and I see it on this forum time and time again that wives had said no when there was OM on the scene. Either way, she's gone and I'm gonna have to deal with that. There's obviously greener grass on the other side for her.

 

I have been trying to prepare myself for that eventuality, so I won't be blindsided by it. I know thinking about it and actually finding out are two different things, but all I can do is prepare.

 

Thanks for the responses.

[MrMayI]

logik, i really like the advice you've given around here. i'm certain you know what to do. i agree that if you initiate finality, it helps. i'll also be honest and tell you that signing has taken the awkwardness from the stbx and i. i guess i went from wondering who she was fooling with, to now i just don't want it to affect my daughter. since signing, my daughter has mentioned the 2 suspected OM's, as well as 2 other new guys. ridiculous. makes it a lot easier to realize i have to stand my ground.

[Logik]

Things aren't really going the way she planned. She realised that she can't afford to do this. I knew all along that we would battle financially because of this and I tried to explain this to her 3 months ago. But she knew what she was doing and said we could afford it. Well, she made the choice, now she's gotta find a plan of action.

[Logik]

Quick update. 2 months ago, her parents offered to help her with attaining the house for her financially. Now, they're not interested in investing in our house. So no other option other than to sell. Quite sad. I really liked the house and got a good deal when we bought. Only had it for just over a year though. I wish I could afford to take it on my own, but can't. Once sold, she's gonna have to move back in with her parents with the kids. So it looks like we're back at 22 years old again, living with our parents. Except we now have kids in the picture. Well at least she's going to gain by getting money from me every month in CS.

 

Oh well. Back to being 22. Except, when I was 22 I owned my own car. Still have to get one of those. Don't know how, but I'll have to figure that one out. Plus they're cutting staff at work due to some economic slow down or something. I hope I'll keep my job, I'm sure I will, but there's always that possibility.

 

So, in just over 3 months I've lost my wife, my family unit and my house. Plus my mother had a stroke and I could lose my job, and if not, I'm gonna lose friends at work. I drive around in my grandmother's car, who can't drive at the moment because she's recovering from an operation that's made her almost blind. So apart from the last 3 months, it's been a pretty good year. At least the first 6 months were good.

 

Pardon my rambling. I just needed to vent a bit. I'm not depressed or feel like there's no light at the end of the tunnel. I've decided to go with the flow and let myself accept what's happening and trust that everything will be ok.

 

Here's another analogy for you people reading this. This is what I believe is happening in my life. Think about a plant in your garden. It starts growing out of control and in the wrong direction. What do you do? You prune it. Get it under control. Stake it if it's growing skew. That's what I believe God has done in my life. I'm not a religious person, but I do believe in a higher power. He sees me growing in the wrong direction. So He does what He sees necessary for me to learn and grow in the right direction. This might mean cutting me off from things that have been leading me down the wrong path. I'm not saying that my marriage was the wrong path, just the way I acted in my marriage. The way I took things for granted and let life get in the way. Now what happens to the plant after you prune it? It grows the way it should. It's grows back bigger and stronger. I believe this is what will happen to me as long as I can understand the reasons for my "pruning".

 

That's enough weirdness from my logical brain for now. Thanks for reading this. Even if you think I'm totally nuts!

[delajoonal]

logik...not weird at all..i totally get it;)

 

i like that analogy...i had a bit of a twisted thought when thinking of how to prune and STAKE my problem...i.e. my H...i am sure you can imagine where i am going with this...LOL..

 

and like you, im not super religious but i do have a strong faith and spirituality, and the worse things seem to get for me, the stronger my faith grows too.....

 

good luck ..

[JaneDoe35]

You are not nuts....I am nuts as I cannot get my act together. At least your rambling makes sense and is logical. I just cry and ask for all this to stop. You sound sort of 'calm' & accepting. I admire that. It shows you are sort of surrendering this situation to a higher power.

[WTFO]

You are not nuts....I am nuts as I cannot get my act together. At least your rambling makes sense and is logical. I just cry and ask for all this to stop. You sound sort of 'calm' & accepting. I admire that. It shows you are sort of surrendering this situation to a higher power.

 

 

Yup, Or he's just letting go. And accepting it. Good on you my man.

[Logik]

OK. New development. It's gonna go from LC to basically NC. I see the kids twice a week. Once during the week; I pick them up from day care and take them to the house and bath them and feed them. Then I put them to bed and leave when she gets home from doing whatever it is she's doing, but sometimes she's there, but hides in the bedroom the whole time. I also get to see them one day of the weekend.

 

She phones me and says that it'll probably be better if we do alternating weekends. So I can fetch them on the Friday afternoon and drop them off at day care on the Monday morning every second weekend.

 

She obviously doesn't even want to see me when I drop the kids off or pick them up. She said it's fine if I want to keep it the way it is, but it obviously isn't if she's suggesting an alternative. Oh well, if it's NC she wants, it's NC she gets. The only contact we'll have is her making sure that I'm ok for my weekend with the kids. I also mentioned to her last week that if she wants to shut me out of every aspect of her life, except for kids, then that's her decision. She said that's not the case. So, this new development is obviously her way of showing me that she was telling the truth! Yeh right. I'm done with all the lies and games. Also, I hope she's happy with the OM that "doesn't exist" as well. I'm not an idiot.

 

Thanks again for listening to my vent.

[Logik]

I love roller coasters. I just don't love living on one 24/7. As you can see from my post yesterday, I was angry and bitter. Today I'm the opposite. Yes, logic can take you to a point where you can feel better, but that's where it stops. It can't stop the roller coaster. I have quite a keen sense of "gut instinct" when it comes to life. I've never told anybody this before because it sounds weird, but when I was getting married, I had a feeling that things would end up like this. I ignored it. I didn't know where the feelings were coming from neither did I understand them.

 

Now I'm in the position of pending divorce and not knowing where to place my feelings. I don't know what to do. I always try to do my best and do things that I won't regret later. Back to the gut instinct. When she left me I had the feeling that she would take this all the way to divorce. Then when things are too late, she'll come back claiming that she'd made a mistake. Now I don't know what the too late thing means. Probably would be me not wanting to go back, either because I've found somebody or I'm not interested in going back any more. I hate that I felt this when it happened. I don't want to close off to her. I don't want to get to the point where I don't want her any more.

 

But alas, if this is what is to be, then it must be. All I know that if this is to happen, a chain of events need to unfold in order for it to happen. It's like knowing your future and trying to change it. If you know what's going to happen, even if you try to change it, you end up doing things that will ultimately lead to that same result. I'm not claiming to know the future but my gut instinct tells me otherwise. It has been wrong in certain cases before, but it's also been right in many others.

 

When I don't know what to do, I ask for help from a higher power. Usually, I do get that help, whether it's a new feeling I feel or an event or conversation I have to make me realise something. All I know is that if I let go and let things happen and lead me in a certain direction, I'm not walking that path alone. Now, I'm not religious at all, but I do believe in a higher power and do have quite a big sense of spirituality. It does go a long way in helping you to know what to do.

 

Just a bit down today. Just a little hiccup. I don't like hiccups. They're annoying. Can't hold my breath long enough to get rid of this one!

[FredMerc]

Hi Logik, a lot of this is identical to my recent divorce after 17 years of marriage.

Except my wife originally denied she was having an affair and tried to make it as if I was crazy, and blamed the medication I am taking for medical problems. That is when I logged onto her email, and 5 minutes later knew the real story... I didn't let her right away how much i knew, but chipped away at the lies until she finally told me. I tired reasoning, understanding, and offering forgiveness. I called her from work and told her when I came home we would have some wine, make love and forget the whole thing mattered and just work on making things better again. She asked in a very cold Voice: "You could do that when I am in Love with another man?!?" That and the lying and using my medical problems for cover to do her cheating were twin fatal daggers.... I still tried to reason with her, telling her what she had with this guy was not love but escapism (he is married, has 3 kids and has done this multiple times with woman from his church and never leaves his wife. He even did it with one of my wife’s friends, but he has convinced her he only did that because he couldn't have my wife...) but she cut my reasoning off by saying in exasperation: "He is my true love! He has always been my true love!" That was the final blow..... However, and here is where it relates to you I think, the next morning she denies she said it. She says she thinks she made a mistake in this whole matter, but her heart is not in it. You know someone after 17 years, and this was not sincere. I could feel it. I hugged her and held her though, but as soon as we let go she ran back to her cell phone to check for texts or msg, and then came out ice cold again.

She had coaching throughout this process, they always do when they are the one leaving: either the other guy, a divorcee friend or 2 or 3, a bitter mother or sister that never liked you because you wouldn't kiss their ass and you took better care of their sister than any man would ever take care of them, or just a woman who vies life as a battle of the sexes and doesn’t care about right or wrong…. and this coach told her "You shouldn't have said that! he will use it against you in court." Or “It gives him the upper hand!” So she retracted it. I think that is what happened with your wife as well. She told the truth about the other guy, lied about how long it had been going on, and then retracted it when she was told it was a mistake to tell you.... Either way they are liars….

 

Hey man, it sounds like you are on the right path. Work on yourself. keep moving forward. Find forgiveness in your heart, but also know that the trust will never return, and it shouldn't. Do the right things and be mature, but move forward with your life.

 

Ps The emotions of the betrayal and abandonment comes in waves, but each wave does get smaller and eventually the waves are simply harmlessly lapping at your feet instead of crashing down upon your head and shoulders and knocking you over with their force. You have lost the person you thought was your life partner, perhaps even your soulmate. It is going to hurt. You would not be a well adjusted human if it did not.

Edited October 13, 2009 by FredMerc

[Logik]

This is what I think as well. They have cheerleaders, cheering them on.

[Logik]

Another thing she said is that "everyone" agrees with her in what she is doing but won't talk about it to any mutual friends we have.

[FredMerc]

Another thing she said is that "everyone" agrees with her in what she is doing but won't talk about it to any mutual friends we have.

 

Of course they agree with her, they only have her side of the story, and lord knows what that version is...

When things hit with my wife I told a friend, and showed him one of the emails. He wisely told me" "You are in for a world of hurt. In order for her to justify this she is going to have to turn you into a monster."

[singleithink]

I'm sooo sorry for everything you have had to go through this year no one should ever have to go through all of that, you are so strong i think i would have cracked up if it were me but as they say what comes around goes around hopefully she will learn that the hard way and you will have the last laugh. things can only go up for you from here and you have a great attitude for someone who has had so many knocks Good for you....

I totaly agree with comment about influance in decissions made as from my experance with my husband who walked out looking for nsa s*x online web sites, his 29 year old bro has been doing this for a few years now and boasting about all the woman he has been getting making it look easy and fun, grass and greener but he will soon see his bro is all talk......

The best of look to you stay strong and put u and your kids first

[Logik]

I agree with you. I've gone through every little possibility in my head and expect every possible outcome from this. It is a world of hurt, but I know that the things she's telling others is not true. Some of it is, but she could exaggerate the it to make it sound worse. I am human and I do have flaws. Eventually she will believe what she is telling people to get rid of the guilt she has. I think this is why she doesn't want to be around me. Even if it's for 5 minutes, because she can't look at me and not feel awkward about what she's done.

 

Saying this, I do believe that people do things that they THINK are right. It becomes a situation where you tell a lie to cover something, then have to lie again to cover that lie and it goes on and on until there is a massive web of lies. It starts off small, but ends up massive. Underneath all these lies will be the person who's hiding there, scared to admit what has happened. Coming clean about the first lie would be the first step in untangling the mess created. Putting pride aside and accepting the wrongs that have been done.

 

I say this because I know that the person I married is still there, but stuck in this mess that she has created. She won't see it now because she's benefitting from it. Once the benefits fall away, she has no choice but to admit to it or start another chain that will cover up the first in order to start benefitting again in a different way. I know that I can forgive her for this because she's just lost. When it all comes down to the nuts and bolts of the matter, we are still the same two people who got married and were both in love.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to centre my life around the chance of her coming back, I just need to know that it's a possible eventual outcome, so I know I have thought about it if it does happen. And by forgiveness, I don't mean that I'll only forgive her if she does comes back. I can forgive her even if she doesn't. It's about me learning to love unconditionally. That's the main lesson I want to learn from this.

[Aksion]

Of course they agree with her, they only have her side of the story, and lord knows what that version is...

When things hit with my wife I told a friend, and showed him one of the emails. He wisely told me" "You are in for a world of hurt. In order for her to justify this she is going to have to turn you into a monster."

 

That is exactly what my wife has done with me.

 

Sad, because outside of a few little things, I've done nothing but support, love, and been there for her.

[Logik]

OK. I'm at the point where I can truly start to let this go. I thought I was at this point a while back, but I obviously wasn't. I can start seeing what I can do in my future outside of my marriage. I'm actually quite excited about it. I am not saying that I'm not feeling any pain any more or the roller coaster has ended, I'm just saying that I can see my life without my STBX. I still do have some things to work on but I feel that I'm at a major turning point with my emotions.

 

So, saying that, I'm going to give her what she needs without any more feelings of anxiety or regret. This has happened, and nothing is going to change it. I'm tired of walking through life feeling sorry for myself and my life. I'm finished with trying to prove to her that I'm a good man and that I can work on my flaws. I know I'm a good man and I will work on my flaws for my benefit. We came together for a reason. Obviously that reason has run its course.

 

I know this process is ongoing, so you might find me posting again here in 2 weeks, feeling the total opposite, and I'm ready for that too.

[Logik]

So I said 2 weeks in my previous post. I should said 3 days! It's back again, shredding me into little pieces. I'm angry that I feel angry again. Fighting fire with fire, which doesn't work. Feel like screaming. Oh well, I won't feel like this forever. Why does this coaster have to roll? Can't it end? Up, down, up, down. Stop already! I'm tired and I want to get off.

[jimlovingu2]

... OK, I read your story and most (if not all) of the replies and I agree with most of them. However, let me approach from a different angle. I hope you take this in the right way. I am not blaming you, nor am I blaming your wife. I'll leave that to you and the other responders. I am a believer in "The Law of Attraction". This law says that you are either attracting stuff, or you are attracted TO stuff. There is something in you that attracted her to you. All relationships are symbiotic in this way. Now. this doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it make her one (bad person), it simply allows you to be able to ask yourself "What is it in me that attracts this ****?" BTW, she has the same opportunity. Make some changes in there, and I bet that you will begin to attract a different breed. Someone much wiser than me said: "You don't get what you want, you get who you are".

Also, if you do make those changes in your own head, you'll soon notice that the emotions will fade;she will fade; when you are ready, others will come and you will have the opportunity to learn new lessons:). And, of course, your kids will be fine.

Don't laugh, but, the best way to do this and make those changes is a good Hypnotherapist. Well, that's just my opinion.

jimlovingu2

[giotto]

... OK, I read your story and most (if not all) of the replies and I agree with most of them. However, let me approach from a different angle. I hope you take this in the right way. I am not blaming you, nor am I blaming your wife. I'll leave that to you and the other responders. I am a believer in "The Law of Attraction". This law says that you are either attracting stuff, or you are attracted TO stuff. There is something in you that attracted her to you. All relationships are symbiotic in this way. Now. this doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it make her one (bad person), it simply allows you to be able to ask yourself "What is it in me that attracts this ****?" BTW, she has the same opportunity. Make some changes in there, and I bet that you will begin to attract a different breed. Someone much wiser than me said: "You don't get what you want, you get who you are".

Also, if you do make those changes in your own head, you'll soon notice that the emotions will fade;she will fade; when you are ready, others will come and you will have the opportunity to learn new lessons:). And, of course, your kids will be fine.

Don't laugh, but, the best way to do this and make those changes is a good Hypnotherapist. Well, that's just my opinion.

jimlovingu2

 

thank you for your spam...

[JaneDoe35]

Logik - I don't know of anything I can say that will make you feel better.

 

Your 10:15pm post on 13/10 helped me when I was low as it described so perfectly what my husband is doing.

 

Of course no partner is perfect but nothing we did can excuse this type of behaviour from our spouses. This is about running away and trying to be 'happy'. This is about being immature and eventually it will catch up with them as they didn't stay and resolve the issues.

 

My husband just phoned me. I have not contacted him at all for the last couple of days which is difficult as we have a daughter together. But I did not hear happiness in his voice and for a moment I felt sorry for him. As he is leaving behind someone who has loved him from the moment she saw him. He was just 20 and I was just 21.

 

Imagine, just a short time ago we were living a life without all these thoughts invading our minds. I must have had a lot of free headspace. My counsellor says this is one crazy emotional adventure. I love rollercoasters too, just not the relationship sort.

[Logik]

Thanks JD. I feel this way now because my wife has said that the D will start soon, probably this week. I knew it was coming, but you can't really prepare for the actual filing. I just want it to happen quickly and painlessly. Like jumping straight into a cold pool instead of walking in slowly, prolonging the shock. I'd like to fast forward to a year from now all the dust has settled and I'm well on my way to feeling normal again. Maybe I'll also have some more answers by then?