Newly married...and hating it :(

[Stroon]

i've been with my husband for just over two years, and we got married in August this year.

 

now, although i had the usual cold feet etc before the wedding, i was totally convinced that i was doing what i really wanted to do.

 

i'm so gutted, because over the last couple of weeks i've been feeling very differently. when i look at him i just dont see what i used to, and sometimes the mere sound of his voice irritates me more than i can say.

I keep trying to pull myself out of this depression i'm feeling, but its just not working.

 

He hasnt done anything wrong as such, he's just the same as he always was.

 

I'm consumed by a feeling of dread that i've made a terrible mistake, but at the same time i want so much to feel like i did before.

i turned 30 this year, so i genuinely believed i was mature enough for marriage, but i wonder now if i am. I certainly dont feel ready for children.

 

When he calls me his wife it sounds really, really odd.

I'm just so upset that i really thought i had found happiness, that i could settle down and truely belong to someone, and now i'm spoiling it.

 

I've had a few relationships that have loaded me up with rather a large amount of emotional baggage, and one of the men i loved died last year, and i am grieving for him alot at the moment, but i cant seem to unload my feelings of grief and i'm wondering if that has something to do with my present concerns.

 

I just wondered if anyone else here has had the same feelings? did they resolve themselves? is this normal in any way? what do i do?

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

i've been with my husband for just over two years, and we got married in August this year.

 

now, although i had the usual cold feet etc before the wedding, i was totally convinced that i was doing what i really wanted to do.

 

i'm so gutted, because over the last couple of weeks i've been feeling very differently. when i look at him i just dont see what i used to, and sometimes the mere sound of his voice irritates me more than i can say.

I keep trying to pull myself out of this depression i'm feeling, but its just not working.

 

He hasnt done anything wrong as such, he's just the same as he always was.

 

I'm consumed by a feeling of dread that i've made a terrible mistake, but at the same time i want so much to feel like i did before.

i turned 30 this year, so i genuinely believed i was mature enough for marriage, but i wonder now if i am. I certainly dont feel ready for children.

 

When he calls me his wife it sounds really, really odd.

I'm just so upset that i really thought i had found happiness, that i could settle down and truely belong to someone, and now i'm spoiling it.

 

I've had a few relationships that have loaded me up with rather a large amount of emotional baggage, and one of the men i loved died last year, and i am grieving for him alot at the moment, but i cant seem to unload my feelings of grief and i'm wondering if that has something to do with my present concerns.

 

I just wondered if anyone else here has had the same feelings? did they resolve themselves? is this normal in any way? what do i do?

 

Is there an ex you're not over, but thought you were?

 

Are you thinking the grass might be greener with someone else?

 

Do you assume that marriage is the end all be all of life, and you won't have fun anymore?

 

Were you bored in the relationship before getting engaged, assuming that a commitment like that would add the spark you wanted?

 

Have you ever had commitment issues?

 

Have you ever had abandonment or insecurity issues?

 

Were your parents an example of a fun, healthy marriage for you growing up?

 

Have you seen Runaway Bride? What did you think if it?

 

These are some questions that came to mind I think you might answer for yourself. Atleast it's a start. I'm sure others will have input as well.

[Stroon]

Is there an ex you're not over, but thought you were?

Bit tricky that question. I had an unusual relationship with a man for about 6 years. started as purely physical, but ended up emotional as well. He was totally unobtainable, and we were never in a relationship. I ended it when i met my husband. i didnt want the complications that he brought to my life, and I wanted to be true to my husband (i have never cheated on my husband). That guy died last year, just over a year after I last saw him. we had the most amazing physical connection, unlike anything i've ever known, but a relationship was never on the cards. Although i ended it, i am sad he died and feel like a bit of me has died too.

 

Are you thinking the grass might be greener with someone else?

I wont deny I have had passing thoughts of other men, but I have no wish to leave my husband, i want it to work for us.

 

Do you assume that marriage is the end all be all of life, and you won't have fun anymore?

i always seem to end up with 'serious' guys. i wish my H made me laugh more, but i dont think marriage is the end of life.

 

Were you bored in the relationship before getting engaged, assuming that a commitment like that would add the spark you wanted?

TBH i just really loved the idea of being married to my H. I didnt think it would change anything, nor did I want it to.

 

 

Have you ever had commitment issues?

No, i've always been a one man/one woman type of girl. I havent had any casual relationships come to think of it. My last relationship lasted 9 years (but it was complicated)

 

Have you ever had abandonment or insecurity issues?

No. Luckily (but maybe unfairly) i have never been left by anyone, it was always me that ended a relationship.

 

Were your parents an example of a fun, healthy marriage for you growing up?

No. they are divorced now.

 

Have you seen Runaway Bride? What did you think if it?

Not seen it, sorry!

 

These are some questions that came to mind I think you might answer for yourself. Atleast it's a start. I'm sure others will have input as well.

 

thanks for your questions, TBH i am quite perplexed about all this, even after answering the questions.

I'm usually someone who can analize themselves very easily, but i am left confused this time

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

Is there an ex you're not over, but thought you were?

Bit tricky that question. I had an unusual relationship with a man for about 6 years. started as purely physical, but ended up emotional as well. He was totally unobtainable, and we were never in a relationship. I ended it when i met my husband. i didnt want the complications that he brought to my life, and I wanted to be true to my husband (i have never cheated on my husband). That guy died last year, just over a year after I last saw him. we had the most amazing physical connection, unlike anything i've ever known, but a relationship was never on the cards. Although i ended it, i am sad he died and feel like a bit of me has died too.

 

Are you thinking the grass might be greener with someone else?

I wont deny I have had passing thoughts of other men, but I have no wish to leave my husband, i want it to work for us.

 

Do you assume that marriage is the end all be all of life, and you won't have fun anymore?

i always seem to end up with 'serious' guys. i wish my H made me laugh more, but i dont think marriage is the end of life.

 

Were you bored in the relationship before getting engaged, assuming that a commitment like that would add the spark you wanted?

TBH i just really loved the idea of being married to my H. I didnt think it would change anything, nor did I want it to.

 

 

Have you ever had commitment issues?

No, i've always been a one man/one woman type of girl. I havent had any casual relationships come to think of it. My last relationship lasted 9 years (but it was complicated)

 

Have you ever had abandonment or insecurity issues?

No. Luckily (but maybe unfairly) i have never been left by anyone, it was always me that ended a relationship.

 

Were your parents an example of a fun, healthy marriage for you growing up?

No. they are divorced now.

 

Have you seen Runaway Bride? What did you think if it?

Not seen it, sorry!

 

These are some questions that came to mind I think you might answer for yourself. Atleast it's a start. I'm sure others will have input as well.

 

thanks for your questions, TBH i am quite perplexed about all this, even after answering the questions.

I'm usually someone who can analize themselves very easily, but i am left confused this time

 

I'm no expert, but some key things that jumped out at me: 1) the feeling of loss from the other man dying, 2) your parents were not a good example of a marriage, and 3) you having never been dumped.

 

1) I won't say I know how you feel, losing someone like that, because I don't. But I have felt the same connection you described- luckily for me, the emotional was also just as great- because it was a genuine relationship. I think it's detrimental to you and your relationship to think that you lost a part of yourself with him. I'm guessing you compare the physical connection you had with him to your Hubby, and your Hubby comes up short. You mentioned that the other man was unobtainable, that's a key point. I think you long for something that never really existed: an emotional relationship with a man that wanted nothing but a physical connection with you. I wouldn't know how to go about getting over that feeling of loss of a piece of yourself- maybe another member can go further with it- but I do think that's the main problem here. After all, if you feel like a piece of you is gone, how can you ever give it to your Hubby?

 

2) Being around positive examples of marriage is important; I was fortunate to have parents and grandparents that showed me what a great marriage is like. I think you need to hang around more happy couples! They can be the examples that your parents never were. Couples nights with friends or acquaintances that are also hitched up might be a good idea. If they are an older couple, that's even better. Love is contagious! It will also inject some humor and fun into you and your Hubbys lives. Just a thought.

 

3) I don't think this is too big of a deal, but it might point to other underlying issues. The idea that you were ALWAYS the one that was left unsatisfied in your relationships says something. While I don't think it's a commitment issue, it might be an abandonment issue, or a greener grass issue. Not trying to sting you, but even though you said you didn't think those were issues for you, you might want to re-examine. They may well be, under the surface.

 

You should look at your response to abandonment issues again. Because it's not a history of being dumped that creates abandonment issues, like what you might think. But chronically leaving relationships IS a characteristic of abandonment (abandoning the person/situation before they/it can abandon you). This is also where greener grass comes in. There's a REASON for you always being the dumper- you are either always unsatisfied, or you are but you leave them before they can leave you. Something to think about.

Edited October 3, 2009 by UrKillinMeSmalls

[Stroon]

I'm no expert, but some key things that jumped out at me: 1) the feeling of loss from the other man dying, 2) your parents were not a good example of a marriage, and 3) you having never been dumped.

 

1) I won't say I know how you feel, losing someone like that, because I don't. But I have felt the same connection you described- luckily for me, the emotional was also just as great- because it was a genuine relationship. I think it's detrimental to you and your relationship to think that you lost a part of yourself with him. I'm guessing you compare the physical connection you had with him to your Hubby, and your Hubby comes up short. You mentioned that the other man was unobtainable, that's a key point. I think you long for something that never really existed: an emotional relationship with a man that wanted nothing but a physical connection with you. I wouldn't know how to go about getting over that feeling of loss of a piece of yourself- maybe another member can go further with it- but I do think that's the main problem here. After all, if you feel like a piece of you is gone, how can you ever give it to your Hubby?

 

Thats a fair point, and one that i have often pondered. The unobtainable man thing is more complicated than that, but it does ring quite true. as far as the physical goes it was something that i didnt know existed until i met the other guy. so really it was unique to our coupling, like a unique sense of humor you share with a friend.

 

2) Being around positive examples of marriage is important; I was fortunate to have parents and grandparents that showed me what a great marriage is like. I think you need to hang around more happy couples! They can be the examples that your parents never were. Couples nights with friends or acquaintances that are also hitched up might be a good idea. If they are an older couple, that's even better. Love is contagious! It will also inject some humor and fun into you and your Hubbys lives. Just a thought.

 

Good idea, only i dont actually know any!

 

3) I don't think this is too big of a deal, but it might point to other underlying issues. The idea that you were ALWAYS the one that was left unsatisfied in your relationships says something. While I don't think it's a commitment issue, it might be an abandonment issue, or a greener grass issue. Not trying to sting you, but even though you said you didn't think those were issues for you, you might want to re-examine. They may well be, under the surface.

 

You should look at your response to abandonment issues again. Because it's not a history of being dumped that creates abandonment issues, like what you might think. But chronically leaving relationships IS a characteristic of abandonment (abandoning the person/situation before they/it can abandon you). This is also where greener grass comes in. There's a REASON for you always being the dumper- you are either always unsatisfied, or you are but you leave them before they can leave you. Something to think about.

 

That is very true, and was the reason i said (or unfairly) as i think its odd not to have been dumped. saying that, i've only had 3 relationships, each lasting years, so i dont see myself as a serial dumper, although it does give me something to think about.

 

Thank you

[boldjack]

OP, You were not in love with your husband, when you married him. That much is clear. You were one of the many women, who are in love with the idea of being married. This isn't all that unusual. My suggestion is that you separate from your husband, or divorce. You deserve to be happy in your marriage, but so does your husband. Does he suspect that you aren't in love with him? If there are no children involved, You should let him go, so that both of you can find somebody else.

[Angel1111]

As weird as this may sound, I think that marriage has put you in that 'safe' place to fully experience your emotions. Grieving over someone you loved who died, thinking about your feelings for your husband, etc. Because you're safe now, I think you're giving yourself the freedom of exploring all your feelings that you didn't before. They say that the first year of marriage is very hard because of the huge adjustment you must make. If your husband is really no different than before and if you felt sure about what you were doing before you married him, I think you're just experiencing a little sense of loss of freedom and understanding the full impact of committment. Also, you may feel bored because you have him now and the fun is gone. It doesn't have to be that way - it just depends on your approach to marriage.

 

I say just let your feelings run wild for awhile but don't dump on your husband. After a little time has passed, re-evaluate your siutation.

[Stroon]

OP, You were not in love with your husband, when you married him. That much is clear. You were one of the many women, who are in love with the idea of being married. This isn't all that unusual. My suggestion is that you separate from your husband, or divorce. You deserve to be happy in your marriage, but so does your husband. Does he suspect that you aren't in love with him? If there are no children involved, You should let him go, so that both of you can find somebody else.

 

I have never been a woman who was bothered about marriage, and only decided to because it felt right with my husband.

i appreciate your advice but i think (for me) 2 months isnt long enough to settle into a marriage. especially as i never thought i would get married and i assumed that nothing would change.

[Stroon]

As weird as this may sound, I think that marriage has put you in that 'safe' place to fully experience your emotions. Grieving over someone you loved who died, thinking about your feelings for your husband, etc. Because you're safe now, I think you're giving yourself the freedom of exploring all your feelings that you didn't before. They say that the first year of marriage is very hard because of the huge adjustment you must make. If your husband is really no different than before and if you felt sure about what you were doing before you married him, I think you're just experiencing a little sense of loss of freedom and understanding the full impact of committment. Also, you may feel bored because you have him now and the fun is gone. It doesn't have to be that way - it just depends on your approach to marriage.

 

I say just let your feelings run wild for awhile but don't dump on your husband. After a little time has passed, re-evaluate your siutation.

 

i think you're right, and for a long time i have chosen to put my feelings in a box because i didnt want them having reprocussions on the life i was trying to build.

obviously, that isnt the healthiest thing to do, but i'm sure we've all done it before.

i will give myself time to explore my feelings properly.

thank you

[carhill]

And tell your H there are some feelings within yourself you need to resolve and ask him to join you for support in MC. I'd have no problem doing that. Marriage is about facing things *together*. Good luck

[boldjack]

Op, that is why I suggested separation first. Perhaps you weren't prepared for the changes a person has to make, when married. If you separate informally, you both can "step back", and look at your situation in a rational manner, without being influenced by the other.. Good Luck, and I hope that you can work things out.:)

[Stroon]

Op, that is why I suggested separation first. Perhaps you weren't prepared for the changes a person has to make, when married. If you separate informally, you both can "step back", and look at your situation in a rational manner, without being influenced by the other.. Good Luck, and I hope that you can work things out.:)

 

yes, i dont think i was ready for any changes. funny thing is everyone said to me 'dont get married expecting things to change' so I didnt, and now they have! thats sods law for you!

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

And tell your H there are some feelings within yourself you need to resolve and ask him to join you for support in MC. I'd have no problem doing that. Marriage is about facing things *together*. Good luck

 

I definitely agree with this, this is the way I'd go. Separation/divorce is a very drastic measure. MC always > separation.

 

That is very true, and was the reason i said (or unfairly) as i think its odd not to have been dumped. saying that, i've only had 3 relationships, each lasting years, so i dont see myself as a serial dumper, although it does give me something to think about.

 

Thank you

 

I don't think you're a serial dumper, I'm sorry if that's the message I conveyed. The actual NUMBER of times isn't significant, but the ratio is. It may only be 3 times, but that's still %100 of the time. See what I mean?

 

As far as not knowing any couples that are happy together, that's a pretty big deal! Maybe you and Hubby need to make some new friends? Personally I have been around a fair amount of older couples, and they always seem so happy together. So even that retired couple that might live down the street could be a place to start for you.

 

And also, I'm sure that your thing with the other guy was complicated. I wasn't trying to dismiss the feelings around it by simplifying it. I was just trying to get a point accross. I would think that in the grand scheme of things, and when compared to MARRIAGE and VOWS, it would seem basic. However, If your thing with the other man felt richer or deeper than just the physical connection that you initially talked about, then that's a different story. I can imagine how not being over someone (emotionally, physically...) when they pass would be pretty painful. But all the more reason to go for marriage counceling. It shouldn't diminish what you have with the man you're going to grow old with!

Edited October 3, 2009 by UrKillinMeSmalls

[Stroon]

I definitely agree with this, this is the way I'd go. Separation/divorce is a very drastic measure. MC always > separation.

I don't think you're a serial dumper, I'm sorry if that's the message I conveyed. The actual NUMBER of times isn't significant, but the ratio is. It may only be 3 times, but that's still %100 of the time. See what I mean?

 

And also, I'm sure that your thing with the other guy was complicated. I wasn't trying to dismiss the feelings around it by simplifying it. I was just trying to get a point accross. I would think that in the grand scheme of things, and when compared to MARRIAGE and VOWS, it would seem basic. However, If your thing with the other man felt richer or deeper than just the physical connection that you initially talked about, then that's a different story. I can imagine how not being over someone (emotionally, physically...) when they pass would be pretty painful. But all the more reason to go for marriage counceling. It shouldn't diminish what you have with the man you're going to grow old with!

 

Oh, thats fine i totally understand what you were saying, i just didnt want people to think i discard men all the time.

Gosh, feelings are complicated at the best of times for me. I have always been too deep for my own good!

the other guy, well.. i'd need pages and pages and even then i dont know if i could describe it properly. I dont even know if i understood it properly myself, maybe thats one of the problems.

I appreciate all the comments and advice given to me. it helps to see things from other's points of view.

thank you.

[carhill]

I definitely agree with this, this is the way I'd go. Separation/divorce is a very drastic measure. MC always > separation.

 

Our MC, during the course of therapy, pushed for resuming cohabitation when my stbx moved into my mom's empty house to be closer to work. His position was that meaningful work on the M could not take place living separately. Watching the progression of our situation, I would say he is spot-on.

[LOVEcanSUCK]

After reading your post twice, I came to two different conclusions.

 

1.) You need to get a grip. Look, I know marriage can be tough. I am a relationship counselor and I face clients with situations like yours all the time. Generally I find that the people who are experiencing this post-wedding depression are either much too expectant, or inpatient. Listen, you just got married in August, you have experienced two months of marriage. You need to start facing reality. Marriage is not always the rosy image people have in mind. It is quite often hard work. I feel that all you really need to do is to put some effort into your marriage. Marriage is work, plain and simple. All of your life you have had to worry about one person, yourself. Now you are a unit and you have to start communicating with your husband. Talk about your feelings and try to find solutions to get passed them. I have counseled dozens of married couples and the only way real progress comes is when they communicate. Once you do, you will probably find your husband is having the same feelings you have. I find with my clients fear is what stop them from being really happy. You are scared the your marriage is not working, that you are not experiencing the "newlywed bliss" that all newly married couples seem to have. Get over this fear, and admit to yourself what really is the problem. If then you still find yourself holding back try attending a few sessions with a marriage counselor. It will help, and if you and your husband truly love each other you will conquer your problems. As for the children situation, don't worry! Lots of people don't feel ready to have children right after the get married. I would actually recommend you to take some time to deal with the relationship between with your husband. If you do decide to have children you will want to bring them in a loving and wholesome home.

 

2.) The second conclusion I came to would be that you seriously are not in love with your husband. If you think this is the case, calm down and don't rush into any regretful conclusions. Some people get married without really loving each other and then grow to love one another as they go through life together. If you are experiencing situations like "hating the sound of his voice," well, you have two avenues to take. One, get over it, and stop being so superficial, or two, you really cant stand this man and you want to divorce. But right now I would advise you to not even think about divorce. I tell many of my clients to write out a pro and con list about their spouse. Many clients come to the conclusion that: yes, my husband has some traits I don't like, however, the positives outweigh the negatives.

If you are seriously thinking: I don't like or love this man anymore, I would have to say that you will never have a successful relationship. If you married a man you thought you loved, and now do not love him, you do not know what love is. You need to take a serious step back and think about why you are having these problems. Many of the people I talk to have deep phobias of getting into a serious relationship. Im not saying your one of them but you need to find out why you rushed into this relationship.

 

Remember:

1.) Communicate, communicate, communicate. I can stress this enough. Talk to your husband, he will be able to help you through this situation. He really is the only one who knows what your going through.

 

2. Do not be afraid to seek help for this problem. It is very common and chances are it will do you and your spouse a world of good.

 

3.) Face your fears. Talk with yourself about why you are feeling this way. Think back to previous, relationship, problems, and phobias.

 

4.) Lastly, this is a situation you need to confront immediately. Do not put it off , and think it will solve itself. Some time it does just go away. But you still need to confront your feelings.

 

I wish you and your husband the best of luck. And remember, you are not alone. If you have any other questions for me, feel free to contact me at [email protected].

-Kelly

[Stroon]

thank you kelly.

I feel after reading your post that your first conclusion was probably closer to the mark than the second.

I say this because we have been very. very happy and been living together for 14 months prior to getting married.

I feel a huge amount of guilt for feeling this way about him, and very sad that i'm not bursting with happiness over our newly-wed status.

I will talk to him, i find that keeping any problems to ourselves only increases the distance between us and our partners.

[Woggle]

I would divorce him and tell him it is better to do it now than years down the road. This problem will only get worse and will eventually grow into full blown resentment on your part. He will bend over backwards trying to be a better husband while you lose even more attraction to him maybe even resulting in an affair. Just give this marriage a quick death instead of the slow and painful one it will die if you try to make it work.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

I would divorce him and tell him it is better to do it now than years down the road. This problem will only get worse and will eventually grow into full blown resentment on your part. He will bend over backwards trying to be a better husband while you lose even more attraction to him maybe even resulting in an affair. Just give this marriage a quick death instead of the slow and painful one it will die if you try to make it work.

 

That's pretty drastic and rash. She just said she's very, very happy. Going from one extreme to the next doesn't solve anything. Like what was said earlier, MC > separation/divorce.

[Woggle]

That's pretty drastic and rash. She just said she's very, very happy. Going from one extreme to the next doesn't solve anything. Like what was said earlier, MC > separation/divorce.

 

I just know where this type of situation is usually headed. If I were her I would do the kind thing which is it to just end it right now and not waste years of his life thinking his wife truly loves him.

[Stroon]

I would divorce him and tell him it is better to do it now than years down the road. This problem will only get worse and will eventually grow into full blown resentment on your part. He will bend over backwards trying to be a better husband while you lose even more attraction to him maybe even resulting in an affair. Just give this marriage a quick death instead of the slow and painful one it will die if you try to make it work.

 

thanks for the candor but 2 months is way too short to jack it in. I didnt even say that i was considering leaving him.

I'm in a transition faze, i know that. i just need some helpfull words from people who maybe have experienced a similar thing.

[carhill]

one of the men i loved died last year, and i am grieving for him alot at the moment, but i cant seem to unload my feelings of grief and i'm wondering if that has something to do with my present concerns.

 

Get some IC for this. If your feelings are impacting an otherwise healthy relationship negatively, as seems to be outlined here in this thread, the burden is upon you to seek help for your responsibility in that dynamic. My bet is you will examine whether you were in love with this man who died, even after the R ended and you were with your now H. His death froze that emotion within you and has now toxified your M. Happy to be wrong. Get some IC and prove me so

[Stroon]

Get some IC for this. If your feelings are impacting an otherwise healthy relationship negatively, as seems to be outlined here in this thread, the burden is upon you to seek help for your responsibility in that dynamic. My bet is you will examine whether you were in love with this man who died, even after the R ended and you were with your now H. His death froze that emotion within you and has now toxified your M. Happy to be wrong. Get some IC and prove me so

 

no, i dont think you're wrong carhill!

 

thats the problem when people die, you keep them as you remember them best, dismissing the bad things.

thats one of the reasons i'm angry that he died, i never got to get over it properly. Also, he died of an overdose and I suspect maybe it was deliberate. many things happened in his life that led him down that road, some of which i feel partly responsible for.

[carhill]

TBH, if my stbx had received and benefited from IC for the abundantly shyty childhood she had, along with some toxic relationships, our M likely would have survived. As it was, she almost had me believing that my history was just as or more messed up than her own. Once we got MC and I saw the reality of that schism, that was when I knew we were done.

 

I'll implore you to get help before you mess up something good over something from your past and so intrinsically trivial to your M. Yes, it is your past, but it is not the M's past. You're bringing outside stuff into the M. Have you talked with your H about this? Been honest with him? Empathized with his side/position/feelings? I hope you have.

[Stroon]

TBH, if my stbx had received and benefited from IC for the abundantly shyty childhood she had, along with some toxic relationships, our M likely would have survived. As it was, she almost had me believing that my history was just as or more messed up than her own. Once we got MC and I saw the reality of that schism, that was when I knew we were done.

 

I'll implore you to get help before you mess up something good over something from your past and so intrinsically trivial to your M. Yes, it is your past, but it is not the M's past. You're bringing outside stuff into the M. Have you talked with your H about this? Been honest with him? Empathized with his side/position/feelings? I hope you have.

 

totally get you there. I have talked to H about it, obviously from his POV he sees someone who hurt me and messed with my emotions, so although i have spoken to him, he's not massively sympathetic, as far as he's concerned i should more or less be glad he's dead. bit harsh but TBH when i found out he'd died, a little bit of me WAS glad. isnt that awful? it was just cos i knew he wouldn't ever be a temptation to me again, although i had no intention of seeing him.

when there is someone like that from your past whenever things go wrong you want to see them. Not the right way to be but true nonetheless.