Newly married...and hating it :(

[carhill]

Imagine for a moment the horrible memories of an abusive or incestuous father. A father whom you loved but treated you unimaginably horribly. A father who just died. A father with whom you have a lifetime of unspoken words of anger and hurt and unfinished business with. All those emotions pile up and affect the essence of who you are; your perspective. You try to shut them off, push them away, but they always keep coming back.

 

I picked something extreme because it generates strong feelings of empathy with most people.

 

In your case, IMO, you have unfinished business that the untimely death of this person created. You likely have other similar paths of closure to achieve. Those paths, and the emotions they evoke within you, are changing your perspective. Can you see that? Why on earth would the voice of your H annoy you? Think about that. He's been a loving and supportive fixture in your life. Do you see that it's not really his voice, but rather the projection, by you, of those other paths upon his being and persona?

 

I've dealt with unfinished business of another type (different from the topic of this post) in my life and could clearly see how projections by myself were my contributions to the downfall of my M. None of us is without responsibility. I hope this works out for you

[Stroon]

In your case, IMO, you have unfinished business that the untimely death of this person created. You likely have other similar paths of closure to achieve. Those paths, and the emotions they evoke within you, are changing your perspective. Can you see that? Why on earth would the voice of your H annoy you? Think about that. He's been a loving and supportive fixture in your life. Do you see that it's not really his voice, but rather the projection, by you, of those other paths upon his being and persona?

 

I've dealt with unfinished business of another type (different from the topic of this post) in my life and could clearly see how projections by myself were my contributions to the downfall of my M. None of us is without responsibility. I hope this works out for you

 

briefly described as 'emotional baggage' and yup, i have a load of that!

I dont think for one moment that this has anything to do with my H, rather my own festering issues coming out.

I welcome it though, its healthy and a faze of long awaited re-newal beckons. thanks for your wise words

[seoa]

How are you with reading self-help books (some people love 'em, some don't use them)...?

 

If you do - I'd recommend "the conscious bride" - sheryl nissinen... found it in a charity shop recently, and haven't read anything similar:

from the intro:

 

Through my discussions with other women, I learned that I was not alone in my confusion. Whenever I told women that I was researching the "dark" underbelly of the wedding journey, I was nearly unanimously met with exclamations of relief: "You mean I'm not the only one to have experienced anything less than perfect bliss around my engagement and wedding?!"

 

Unfortunately, most brides keep their difficult feelings at bay during the engagement. But eventually, usually on the wedding night, honeymoon or sometime in the early months of marriage, the bride will crumble. The darker emotions will make themselves known and insist on being reckoned with."

 

I'm surprised people told you nothing would change with marriage - that's the opposite of what I've always heard - something does change psychologically with that new commitment, whether you logically think that it "ought" to or not...

 

The book above should help with identifying with other women who all thought that they were alone in struggling with the transition, and gives ideas about moving through those phases...

 

I think the annoying-voice thing is a red-herring... you are feeling emotions that you are not expecting, and don't know how to handle (yet), so you're displacing that discomfort into something more concrete... Just don't let yourself get carried away with the negativity towards him - get some IC, and force yourself to focus on his good points while you're working on the underlying stuff so that you don't talk yourself into hating him unnecessarily...

[boldjack]

After reading some of your other posts on other threads, I am beginning to think that you have more "baggage", than you are letting on. You might have sexual issues, that could be affecting your M, as well as the grief issue. Have you considered that?

[Stroon]

After reading some of your other posts on other threads, I am beginning to think that you have more "baggage", than you are letting on. You might have sexual issues, that could be affecting your M, as well as the grief issue. Have you considered that?

 

Jack, i have loads of sexual issues! i'm quite happy to admit that i have lots of baggage, although i havent gone into detail about what it is. i'm glad you raised the point though.

i'll try to simplify..

i got together with my ex about 10/11 years ago, after about 2 months he said he wasnt bothered about sex, but we still had it, but only a proper session once a month while we were high. not very flattering that your SO only wants to spend time on it when wasted. anyway, I stayed, because in every other way he was perfect. time went on, i used to get so frustrated, it used to hurt a lot and not being vain, but i used to get a lot of flattery from men and compliments etc. so i just couldnt understand why he didnt want me.

So, in order to protect myself, subconciously over time i began to condition myself into not thinking about sex with him, when you cant have something, thinking about it drives you crazy right?

but i still tried to approach him, so one day (about 2 years into relationship) he said 'i dont want the responsibility of satisfying you' (nice huh?) 'so why dont you get a bit on the side?' i was shocked, but understood that he wanted me to stay so was looking for a solution (f*cked up I know)

i didnt do anything about it, until i met a man (the man) about 6 months later, he was perfect for the job and amazing chemistry so I embarked on an affair with this man (with my partners consent) it wasnt what i really wanted, I wanted me and my SO to be happy just the two of us. looking back the situation was so strange, but i did it.

so although i was now getting sex off this other guy, but only about once a month, so i'm still frustrated most of the time, and always wanting to see this guy.

i'm now seperating my feelings of love and lust, projecting the lust purely onto this other guy, and the love onto my SO.

after a few years my SO decided he did now want to have a sex life with me, but, as you can understand, i had now completely removed him from my desires. he told me to stop seeing the other guy, which i did but after 6 months started it up again.

so initially i had one man frustrating me, then two, then back to one with the SO trying to sleep with me and it feeling very weird and me not wanting him at all, but still loving him.

the other guy makes things difficult by doing what we always agreed we would not do and tells me he loves me, (i've now been seeing him for 6/7 years) just that, no offer as such. he's f*cked up at this point and cant handle any relationship. and knowing what a player he is/was i didnt trust him and didnt want a relationship either.

so i leave my SO, as my head if well and truely f*cked, i tell the other guy i cant see him anymore and thats how that chapter in my life ends.

 

I never, ever got over the rejection and consequences of my ex not wanting me. it hurt so much, i felt i had so much to give, emotionally and physically but no-one to give it all too. i just wanted my ex to appreciate all the wonderfull feeling i had for him, but he didnt understand.

 

so after conditioning myself not to think about sex from all those years ago, i now find i have a very low libido. i try to get horny, but i just dont feel it very often.

I hate it, my H is very attractive and can be a very sensitive lover. it kills me that i refuse him so much, especially because i know exactly how awful it feels when you want to make love but your partner doesnt.

My H says he understands, but its not fair on him, i really want to give him what he wants and to feel that closeness between us. its not that i dont want him, i just dont want sex generally.

 

so there it is, lots of sexual emotional baggage. and the thing is, even knowing why i am the way I am doesnt help, emotionally i like to think i'm perceptive and mature so i totally understand whats going on but not how to reverse all those years of emotional conditioning.

 

it feels quite good getting that off my chest..

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

Maybe you don't feel sexy yourself?

[Stroon]

Maybe you don't feel sexy yourself?

 

you're right, i dont have a problem with my physique but mentally i dont see myself in that way.

I've never been any good at seduction, cos i almost feel silly, like i'm flattering myself.

even when physically i was at my best i still couldnt. even before my long saga started i was the same.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

I'm sorry but I don't understand how that is possible. You described the physical connection you had between you and the other man as 'amazing', how did that work if even at your 'best' you were not seductive in any way?

 

I think the connection you fondly refer to isn't so much a connection, but a personal comfort level. I think you felt more comfortable with your sexuality with the other man than you do your Hubby, for whatever reason. In other words, you were able to let go and be a sexual nympho type with the other man; but with your Hubby, you don't feel as free/safe/confident being sexual with him. No one but you could possibly know the reasons behind this thought.

Edited October 4, 2009 by UrKillinMeSmalls

[Stroon]

I'm sorry but I don't understand how that is possible. You described the physical connection you had between you and the other man as 'amazing', how did that work if even at your 'best' you were not seductive in any way?

 

because the other guy did all the seducing, no seducing required on my part at all. when i get going i'm fine, its the initial bit that i find difficult.

 

I think the connection you fondly refer to isn't so much a connection, but a personal comfort level. I think you felt more comfortable with your sexuality with the other man than you do your Hubby, for whatever reason. In other words, you were able to let go and be a nympho type with the other man, but with your Hubby, you don't feel as free/safe/confident being sexual with him. No one but you could possibly know the reasons behind this thought.

 

i've never been uncomfortable with my sexuality, with the other guy it was a case of each of us instinctively knowing what the other wanted, without having to be told. We both confirmed how special that was and how much we both valued it.

 

its true that i did feel more of a nympho with the other guy, but thats partly down to the anticipation of only seeing him once a month. with a months worth of pent up frustration, when its let out it is more intense.

when you can have it anytime, the need just isnt as great.

 

I'm very happy with the connection that I have with my H when we are intimate, i just wish i felt sexy more often.

[boldjack]

I was just wondering, because you mention in another thread, about having threesomes and such. Do you have difficulty being satisfied with one person? Now to find out you've had affairs (with or without your husband's consent) and still are not satisfied, so much that sex no longer interests you, makes me believe that you need therapy for yourself. I think that you should divorce or separate, because you have too many issues of your own, to be able to handle the transition and challenges of married life. Fix yourself first, then see if marriage will be less traumatic and more Idyllic. Good Luck.

[inhindsight]

I have never been a woman who was bothered about marriage, and only decided to because it felt right with my husband.

i appreciate your advice but i think (for me) 2 months isnt long enough to settle into a marriage. especially as i never thought i would get married and i assumed that nothing would change.

 

Why did it feel right with your H? What about your relationship felt right, that made you decide you wanted to?

 

Maybe these are the feelings you should be exploring. Because I do think it is too soon in the marriage to feel it won't work. That first year is bloody difficult, but if you can try to remember why you fell in love with him, then it may help bring you some clarity.

[Stroon]

I was just wondering, because you mention in another thread, about having threesomes and such. Do you have difficulty being satisfied with one person? Now to find out you've had affairs (with or without your husband's consent) and still are not satisfied, so much that sex no longer interests you, makes me believe that you need therapy for yourself. I think that you should divorce or separate, because you have too many issues of your own, to be able to handle the transition and challenges of married life. Fix yourself first, then see if marriage will be less traumatic and more Idyllic. Good Luck.

 

thats not how it is at all. the threesome was a stupid mistake, on the request of one of the men. it was something i did to find out what it was like, nothing more. its totally normal to be curious. it happened once, many years ago.

 

if you'd read my posts correctly you'd see that the affair (singular) was not my idea, and something i did in order to keep my relationship going.

obviously it was a mistake, and ultimately didnt work, but unless you've been in that situation i find it difficult to see how you can come to such a sweeping assumption about my motives or intentions.

 

i only had difficulty being with my ex because he didnt want a sexual relationship with me, i want more than anything to be happy with one person, my sexual problems now are as a result of my past experiences, not due to my being unsatisfied with one person. i've never had secret affairs, one night stands, EA's or anything else of that veign.

 

I didnt realise that i would seemingly be judged in this way, i am only asking for advice, not for my past actions to be ridiculed.

you cant possibly know enough about me from what i've written, people are far more complex than that.

I just hope people dont enter into something as serious as divorce because a poster has advised them to on the back of a few typed paragraphs.

[Stroon]

Why did it feel right with your H? What about your relationship felt right, that made you decide you wanted to?

 

Maybe these are the feelings you should be exploring. Because I do think it is too soon in the marriage to feel it won't work. That first year is bloody difficult, but if you can try to remember why you fell in love with him, then it may help bring you some clarity.

 

why does anything ever feel right? it just does, and i'm very determined to make it work, and to get over my personal problems as far as relationships are concerned.

[Stroon]

boldjack,

i did try to edit my post but i couldnt.

maybe reacted a little aggresively to your comments, so i dont wish to come across as rude.

TBH i was surprised by the way you had taken my comments, also adding on your assumption about the threesome i mentioned in another thread came across a tad judgemental. I surely cant be the only person who has ever done things they regretted?

 

it may be my fault for not explaining myself properly, but i truely didnt realise i was giving the impression of being a cheating, serial bed-hopping woman, always looking out for the next man to satisfy my overly demanding needs.

thats certainly not the case, and i took a bit of offense, so, i am sorry for over-reacting.

[inhindsight]

why does anything ever feel right? it just does, and i'm very determined to make it work, and to get over my personal problems as far as relationships are concerned.

 

You don't need any other explanation that it feels right. If it does, it does.

 

You have already made the decision to make it work, and committed to it, and so it shall.

 

Remember, nothing worth fighting for is pain-free. Good luck!

[boldjack]

Taylor, I was only trying to help, and was using your own posts, to illustrate that your personal problems, Whatever they are, are impacting the way you approach your marriage. I don't think that you are a cheap woman, but you DO have problems sexually. So does your husband. In the beginning of a marriage, there are enough problems, and changes to go around, without the added burden of sexual disfunction. Separation, isn't divorce, it can be considered a "time out", that will allow you both to try to find answers to your problems, without the added pressure of married life. Everybody makes mistakes, but you are just starting out, it would be far better to get these issues fixed now, whether you stay together or not, than to create an unhappy marriage, or to bring children into one.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

i've never been uncomfortable with my sexuality. I'm very happy with the connection that I have with my H when we are intimate,

 

Then why are you unable to do any seducing with your husband? I think you may be lying to yourself.

[seoa]

because the other guy did all the seducing, no seducing required on my part at all. when i get going i'm fine, its the initial bit that i find difficult.

 

Have you really admitted to yourself that what your original guy did, in refusing you sex and sending you elsewhere, was emotional abuse...?

 

He might have been fabulous in many other respects, but this was *awful* behaviour on his part, and it's not surprising you're feeling 'knocked about' by 10 years of it...

 

We're all suggesting IC - I really do think it could help, because as you rightly say, we're offering advice from a set of text statements - but if you haven't already, then I think it would be worth dealing with this episode as 'abuse' (as you would if you'd been being hit) - get angry over it... realise it wasn't you that triggered it, but you did stay the victim... grieve over how badly you were treated... determine never to be treated that way again... and finally, forgive him and forgive yourself - not sweeping it under the carpet - forgiveness in the sense of fully acknowledging what went on, and choosing to let it go so that you can move forward in a healthy way...

 

its true that i did feel more of a nympho with the other guy, but thats partly down to the anticipation of only seeing him once a month. with a months worth of pent up frustration, when its let out it is more intense.

when you can have it anytime, the need just isnt as great.

 

With many years of rejection on such an intimate level by your partner, I'm not surprised that you have a fear of rejection - which I suspect wouldn't have kicked in as strongly with this guy, because the one & only reason you were with him was the sex... So you knew for sure that he wanted you sexually...

 

Your relationship with your husband is more complex... He has chosen to be with you for many reasons, only one of which is the sex... So it really doesn't seem surprising that you would find it harder to put yourself in that place of vulnerability with him - and seducing someone makes you very vulnerable...

 

I'm very happy with the connection that I have with my H when we are intimate, i just wish i felt sexy more often.

 

You would know better than us - are there ways in which your husband can make you feel more secure in opening up that way... Or is it not something that hubbie can help with at this stage...?

 

you're right, i dont have a problem with my physique but mentally i dont see myself in that way.

I've never been any good at seduction, cos i almost feel silly, like i'm flattering myself.

even when physically i was at my best i still couldnt. even before my long saga started i was the same

 

This is purely practical (and I still think IC could have value) but have you thought about joining a pole-dancing or belly-dancing class...? They are usually women-only, so you avoid the issue of using other men for sexual validation (always dodgy if you're trying to save an existing relationship), but will teach you to move in ways that will help you unleash your inner femininity...

 

Of the two, belly dancing is definitely more about the femininity - its middle-eastern origins are more about the female-bonding and child-bearing-exercise etc, rather than about flaunting sex appeal... But there's really something about getting that level of control over your hips & body...

 

Edit: http://www.worldbellydance.com/England.html

Edited October 5, 2009 by seoa

[giotto]

TB, I believe you should seek individual therapy to find out where the problem - if a problem at all - lies (in yourself). People and situations do change and you must find the reason of this change before commiting to a separation or a divorce. Sounds to me that that baggage of yours is quite heavy and needs sorting... Don't rush into things... it wouldn't be fair on your husband, yourself and your relationship and you are still fairly young... maybe you are going through a premature mid-life crisis?

[Stroon]

Taylor, I was only trying to help, and was using your own posts, to illustrate that your personal problems, Whatever they are, are impacting the way you approach your marriage. I don't think that you are a cheap woman, but you DO have problems sexually. So does your husband. In the beginning of a marriage, there are enough problems, and changes to go around, without the added burden of sexual disfunction. Separation, isn't divorce, it can be considered a "time out", that will allow you both to try to find answers to your problems, without the added pressure of married life. Everybody makes mistakes, but you are just starting out, it would be far better to get these issues fixed now, whether you stay together or not, than to create an unhappy marriage, or to bring children into one.

 

Jack, i'm sorry that i reacted so strongly. i took execption to a couple of things you wrote, and unfortunately without the help of a 'tone' things written can be taken different ways. i was a bit defensive and i do appreciate all advice given.

[Stroon]

Then why are you unable to do any seducing with your husband? I think you may be lying to yourself.

 

actually i'm not at all.

i dont think that a person has to be seductive in order to be sensual.

i didnt realise that being seductive was a pre-requesit of an emotionally balanced person?

[carhill]

IME, I lost my ability and desire to be sensual and seductive when I lost my emotional balance. To me, those aspects are an outgrowth of a balanced emotional state. Perhaps opining they are a 'result of' rather than 'pre-requisite for' would be better received?

 

I still see moments/periods of that (unbalance) today and MC helped me identify the symptoms as such. You'll occasionally see those periods in my posting style. That's how I know I'm not ready for another intimate relationship yet, even though I'm detached completely from my stbx. Once that balance returns with consistency, then I'll feel I'm ready.

 

Professional help will benefit you, if you want this to work. It's up to you

[Stroon]

TB, I believe you should seek individual therapy to find out where the problem - if a problem at all - lies (in yourself). People and situations do change and you must find the reason of this change before commiting to a separation or a divorce. Sounds to me that that baggage of yours is quite heavy and needs sorting... Don't rush into things... it wouldn't be fair on your husband, yourself and your relationship and you are still fairly young... maybe you are going through a premature mid-life crisis?

 

you're quite right to point at the age thing, TBH i have just found myself suddenly at 30yrs old, wondering where the time went. so maybe getting married while all my emotions are in upheaval was not the wisest thing to do.

My problem is decifering whether or not i actually have genuine problems in my relationship, or whether i'm just going through a difficult time in general.

i will seek councelling to help me find the truth.

[Stroon]

IME, I lost my ability and desire to be sensual and seductive when I lost my emotional balance. To me, those aspects are an outgrowth of a balanced emotional state. Perhaps opining they are a 'result of' rather than 'pre-requisite for' would be better received?

 

I still see moments/periods of that (unbalance) today and MC helped me identify the symptoms as such. You'll occasionally see those periods in my posting style. That's how I know I'm not ready for another intimate relationship yet, even though I'm detached completely from my stbx. Once that balance returns with consistency, then I'll feel I'm ready.

 

Professional help will benefit you, if you want this to work. It's up to you

 

ah, i see a problem here, i have NEVER felt that way! I've always been emotionally unbalanced. as a child i was highly strung and excessively sensitive.

although its made life difficult at times i've just always accepted and embraced it as an integral part of myself. i was diagnosed with a mild high functioning autistic disorder a few years ago.

 

so not being seductive is the norm to me, and TBH i am happy with myself and i enjoy being different to other people. it just means i interpret and cope with things differently, but itsnt that all part of lifes rich tapestry?

Edited October 5, 2009 by Stroon

[carhill]

OK, so what's your HSP subjective scoring? It's key whether you're sensitive to your environment as opposed to emotionally sensitive. They are different aspects of sensitivity. Personally, I've found being sensitive (sensory) makes me more sensual, both as a giver and receiver. Managing the emotional part is another matter entirely.

 

Do you shy away from sensory-intensive behaviors because of the feeling of overstimulation?

 

Be sure to be as open and honest about yourself as you can with your counselor. If you are HSP, I'd suggest one who is familiar with that kind of sensory experience and psychology. It is an entirely different way of experiencing the world and, generally, a partner who does not feel that way has no point of reference for understanding your perspective. That's where MC helps, in the translation and developing communication skills to bridge the gap.