Newly married...and hating it :(

[sb129]

so not being seductive is the norm to me, and TBH i am happy with myself and i enjoy being different to other people. it just means i interpret and cope with things differently, but itsnt that all part of lifes rich tapestry?

 

Yes, but it can make life a bit more difficult when other peoples feelings become involved- a marriage is about two people, not just one. (I know you know that).

[Lizzie60]

I only read the OP..sorry if this was said...

 

I think you did a terrible mistake.. that's all.. a mistake that can still be 'corrected' at this point...

 

Divorce! you probably thought that HE was the ONE... but clearly .. he wasn't...

 

We all do mistakes.. and why getting married to the wrong person not be a mistake..

 

You are both still young.. and now is the time to each go your separate ways.. and to find happiness.. for you it could be remaining single and enjoying life.. for him it could be to find another woman to marry...

 

Good luck with whatever you decide..

[Stroon]

OK, so what's your HSP subjective scoring? It's key whether you're sensitive to your environment as opposed to emotionally sensitive. They are different aspects of sensitivity. Personally, I've found being sensitive (sensory) makes me more sensual, both as a giver and receiver. Managing the emotional part is another matter entirely.

 

Do you shy away from sensory-intensive behaviors because of the feeling of overstimulation?

 

Be sure to be as open and honest about yourself as you can with your counselor. If you are HSP, I'd suggest one who is familiar with that kind of sensory experience and psychology. It is an entirely different way of experiencing the world and, generally, a partner who does not feel that way has no point of reference for understanding your perspective. That's where MC helps, in the translation and developing communication skills to bridge the gap.

 

i'm not overly sensitive to my environment, i'm not very social and tend to shy away from crowds but i'm not over stimulated by things around me to the point that i find it unbearable, actually i quite like it in small doses.

 

i'm emotionally sensitive, and its my own emotions that overwhelm me.

 

TBH i'm actually happy as I am! its only when it affects my relationships that it becomes a pain. but my H is very understanding and seems to know when i'm feeling odd, and always says the right things.

[Stroon]

Lizzie maybe would have been better if you had read the whole thread!

[Stroon]

Yes, but it can make life a bit more difficult when other peoples feelings become involved- a marriage is about two people, not just one. (I know you know that).

 

yes, i do have to try hard not to shut my H out by thinking he doesnt understand how i feel.

Simply sharing my problems on here has helped relieve alot of my tension, so thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post for me.

[carhill]

Do you think your emotional sensitivity is inhibiting the formation and continuance of a healthy interpersonal relationship? Good question to ask right about now. Your psychologist will ask you this and then ask why. Be prepared

[Stroon]

and congrats SB129!!

[Stroon]

Do you think your emotional sensitivity is inhibiting the formation and continuance of a healthy interpersonal relationship? Good question to ask right about now. Your psychologist will ask you this and then ask why. Be prepared

 

gosh, emotions are difficult enough aren't they?!!

its weird because i feel like (partly due to my sensitivity) i have so much to give, such a depth to my feelings, but sometimes i cant articulate how i feel.

so that in itself is frustrating, wanting to give, but sometimes not knowing quite how to.

So the only thing I really get frustrated with is myself, and it can be difficult having an equal relationship when you're beating yourself up over things and feeling unworthy of the huge amount of love that your partner has for you.

i have done a few things in my past that i regret, and i've never really forgiven myself for allowing certain things to happen to me, or allowing other people to treat me in a bad way, so i'm my own worst enemy really.

[boldjack]

OP, You have come on LS, presumably to seek answers to the questions you are having about your marriage, and infidelity. You ask for other posters to give you their opinions, then flame them, when they differ with your pre-conceived ideas. These posters can and will try to help, but you have to supply them with enough information, for them to give you good advice. Does it help your situation to come here and bash people , trying to help you? Maybe you should add anger issues to the other problems you have. If you are adamant about staying in a marriage, that you have already been unfaithful in. What do you need us for?

[carhill]

it can be difficult having an equal relationship when you're beating yourself up over things and feeling unworthy of the huge amount of love that your partner has for you.

 

Recognizing this dynamic is half the battle. The other half is finding the answers within yourself to make fundamental changes in how you process and react to the life you exist in. A professional can help you with that. It sounds like you have your husband's support. IMO, you're very fortunate

[Stroon]

OP, You have come on LS, presumably to seek answers to the questions you are having about your marriage, and infidelity. You ask for other posters to give you their opinions, then flame them, when they differ with your pre-conceived ideas. These posters can and will try to help, but you have to supply them with enough information, for them to give you good advice. Does it help your situation to come here and bash people , trying to help you? Maybe you should add anger issues to the other problems you have. If you are adamant about staying in a marriage, that you have already been unfaithful in. What do you need us for?

 

what a ridiculous statement. I HAVENT BEEN UNFAITHFULL IN MY MARRIAGE.

And i have no intention of being unfaithful.

i dont know how you got that idea, but you obviously cant read.

if i get angry, its because i'm being mis-quoted and you're making assumptions.

If you could please quote the line where i said i have been unfaithful to my H, that would be most helpful.

[Stroon]

Recognizing this dynamic is half the battle. The other half is finding the answers within yourself to make fundamental changes in how you process and react to the life you exist in. A professional can help you with that. It sounds like you have your husband's support. IMO, you're very fortunate

 

thank you carhill.

i am very lucky, and i strive to overcome my disorder everyday. its not always easy but the rewards are definately worth it.

[Stroon]

Boldjack, after reading back a little, i noticed that you have been under the impression that the affair I had many years ago was while I was married to my present H.

In fact it wasnt, i have been with my H for 2 years, that affair happened in a previous relationship.

I have never been unfaithfull to my husband in our entire relationship, nor have i been tempted.

 

I can understand your posts now that I realise you thought I was talking about an infidelity during time with my current partner.

 

I noticed the two times i apologized for getting a bit irate with you. I also noticed you did not acknowledge my apologies.

Maybe you didnt notice them?

[boldjack]

Very sorry, Taylor, My bad. I misread the post about the affair. I am still in favor of a trial separation. Both of you have baggage, that you seem to be having difficulty putting behind you. This issue should have been settled before you took your vows. We ALL have baggage, but When I married my second (and present) wife, I made sure that nothing in my past (numerous affairs, and general whoring) would affect my relationship with my wife. I did this,by being totally honest and completely open. If my wife needs to know anything, she has only to ask. You each, need to work on your own issues, THEN work on the marriage. BTW, I did notice your apologies, but refrained from commenting, as a politeness. I would never rub it in.

[Stroon]

Very sorry, Taylor, My bad. I misread the post about the affair. I am still in favor of a trial separation. Both of you have baggage, that you seem to be having difficulty putting behind you. This issue should have been settled before you took your vows. We ALL have baggage, but When I married my second (and present) wife, I made sure that nothing in my past (numerous affairs, and general whoring) would affect my relationship with my wife. I did this,by being totally honest and completely open. If my wife needs to know anything, she has only to ask. You each, need to work on your own issues, THEN work on the marriage. BTW, I did notice your apologies, but refrained from commenting, as a politeness. I would never rub it in.

 

I accept your apology graciously

[sunrays012]

you should feel lucky I wish i had what you have

[Stroon]

you should feel lucky I wish i had what you have

 

I do feel lucky. i appreciate my H very much, although my first post may not seem like I do. I was upset that day, more with myself than anything else.

[The Midnight Rider]

Welcome to the desert of the real.

 

Me and the poor woman I talked into marrying me eloped, ran off to Vegas, and got married in the basement chapel of the Bally's hotel and Casino. It was cheap, tacky and fun. We had the customary wedding pizza and slot pull. Thirteen years later, she still rolls over and says to me softly, "You again?" A few years ago, I got a second job as a waiter in a banquet hall where most of the parties were big, beautiful weddings. Usually about halfway through the reception, I could tell who would last and who would not. Come to find out I was pretty accurate. The bigger the wedding, the quicker the divorce.

 

My point being is this; from the time women are little girls, you are brainwashed into thinking that your wedding is the most important day of your existence. It is a special day for a special girl with specialness and specialty and special, special, special. Everything must be beautiful and wonderful and that poor slob at the end of all this spectacle is expected to be Superman, Prince Charming, and Luke Skywalker all rolled into one rented tux. Everybody remembers that special day and the cake and the dance and all that other crap and forget the most important thing: Uh..guys..there's actually a marriage after this.

 

My guess is that after all the wedding hoopla, you found out your husband does not have a cape. His white stead is the four year old Honda in the driveway. His light saber is the pen he uses to write the checks to pay the bills. When you look around, you realize you have traded adventure for security. Some people take to it and live out their lives in happy contentment. Some realize that if they spend one more day with this idiot, they will have to take up drinking. Heavily.

 

My advice? Look around you. Is your existence REALLY what you want it to be? What is it that you were really looking for when you said "I do?" Do you really want to stay committed to this guy? If not, I'm sad to say, leave and leave RIGHT NOW! Prolonging this is only prolonging the inevitable. Get on with your life so he can get on with his. If you chose to stay, why? What about him makes you want to stay with him for the rest of your lives together? What is the deciding factor that makes you want to deal with his lack of a cape, stead or light saber? Decide, or be caught between this rock and or hard place for a few more years or, worse, the rest of your life.

 

BTW, While in the desert of the real, try to pick some flowers in the oasis. GL!

[65tr6]

I like your post MNR even though you may have come across a bit harsh.

 

OP, if you feel you are lucky then you should be glad that you are happily married to your husband, right ? Sorry...I have trouble understand conflicting statements.

 

I never thought luck plays a big role once you are married. There is lot of actual hardwork needed but that is just me.

 

Or are you saying if you have to do this all over again, you would not have married your husband ?

[jmargel]

Good post, midnight. And unfortunetly it is true most of the time. The wedding should be special for BOTH parties, however it's consumed by the bride (and her family). It then sets up this unobtainable expectation that the MARRAIGE will be just like the wedding.

 

However that's never the case, the problems you have before the marriage are magnified by ten afterwards. Spouses become too comfortable in their way of habit and often take the other for granted. Poor communication follows, then disrespect. Lies and then cheating are usually not far away then.

 

Don't stay in a marriage because you feel you have to, however don't expect the next person you meet to be that prince either. It's simply because he doesn't exist. Movies and TV have made these expectations on what 'real' men should be.

 

Women nowadays just seem to want to throw in the towel so fast. If they would put half the effort into the marriage as they do feeling sorry for themselves or trying to work out their 'real' problems then maybe life would actually improve for them instead of leaving and pushing the baggage onto the next guy.

 

At some point you have to realize this problem does have alot to do with 'you', not the person you are with. It is not your spouse's responsibility to make you happy.

[king pin]

 

Are you thinking the grass might be greener with someone else?

I wont deny I have had passing thoughts of other men, but I have no wish to leave my husband, i want it to work for us.

 

 

This jumped out at me, Although you say you have no wish to leave your H, this post suggests to me that you have considered being unfaithful to him. From previous experiences, I have had these feelings before when with my EX and it ended up with me being unfaithful.

 

If you want it to work with you and your H then you need to dismiss these feelings or you will always be looking out for something better.

[Stroon]

Welcome to the desert of the real.

 

My point being is this; from the time women are little girls, you are brainwashed into thinking that your wedding is the most important day of your existence. It is a special day for a special girl with specialness and specialty and special, special, special. Everything must be beautiful and wonderful and that poor slob at the end of all this spectacle is expected to be Superman, Prince Charming, and Luke Skywalker all rolled into one rented tux. Everybody remembers that special day and the cake and the dance and all that other crap and forget the most important thing: Uh..guys..there's actually a marriage after this.

 

I appreciate the point you're making, but really this does not ring true with me. I've never been a princess, and i had never fantisised about my wedding day being all perfect. We had a very small wedding. I had no preconcieved notions of everything being perfect. all i wanted from my wedding day was for me and my H to get married, and share that with our small group of family and friends. Also, i had no desire for my H to be this superman, i just wanted him as he was, faults and all. I've had enough experience with relationships to understand that no-one is ever perfect, but just that they are perfect for you is what makes you realise that this is the person for you.

 

My advice? Look around you. Is your existence REALLY what you want it to be? What is it that you were really looking for when you said "I do?" Do you really want to stay committed to this guy? If not, I'm sad to say, leave and leave RIGHT NOW! Prolonging this is only prolonging the inevitable. Get on with your life so he can get on with his. If you chose to stay, why? What about him makes you want to stay with him for the rest of your lives together? What is the deciding factor that makes you want to deal with his lack of a cape, stead or light saber? Decide, or be caught between this rock and or hard place for a few more years or, worse, the rest of your life.

 

All i've ever wanted is just to be happy with one person and have a normal relationship. I do believe that he is the person for me, just because it 'feels' right. I cant justify that feeling.

My problem is how I feel about myself in relation to other people. Not a result of anything he has or hasnt done.

[Stroon]

This jumped out at me, Although you say you have no wish to leave your H, this post suggests to me that you have considered being unfaithful to him. From previous experiences, I have had these feelings before when with my EX and it ended up with me being unfaithful.

 

If you want it to work with you and your H then you need to dismiss these feelings or you will always be looking out for something better.

 

When i said 'passing thoughts' all i meant was 'he's quite attractive' etc. just like everyone does. not that i had had any intentions of having a relationship of any kind with anyone else.

Merely noticing if another person is attractive doesn't mean you intend to be unfaithful.

[king pin]

When i said 'passing thoughts' all i meant was 'he's quite attractive' etc. just like everyone does. not that i had had any intentions of having a relationship of any kind with anyone else.

Merely noticing if another person is attractive doesn't mean you intend to be unfaithful.

 

I apologise, I read it totally the wrong way.

[Stroon]

I apologise, I read it totally the wrong way.

 

No worries